I am not big on resolutions. Why make half-hearted promises when in actuality, you know you aren't going to follow through? That's me. I make some every year, and every year....usually by mid January...I'm like "screw it".
However, this year is different. I have just one resolution: Be Happy.
I am going to be happy and not let my stress, worries, or anger at situations affect my children. I'm going to enjoy motherhood, because it is such a wonderful gift to have children. No more being too busy or stressed to read night-time stories. I will spend more time listening and doing things than placating her with toys. For my son, I will get down on the floor more and play with him! I will also take way more pictures this year.....because my babies are growing up way too fast!
I will make an honest attempt not to sweat the small stuff. This is hard for me, because I worry and then it eats at me. However, I will resolve not to make mountains out of molehills and to breathe before I take action.
I guess this one resolution I made has several parts to it. However, they are all part of me being HAPPY.
Here's to a great 2013.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Friday, December 28, 2012
#26 Acts
Like many people across the United States, across the World, I am still reeling from the tragedy in Connecticut. I, unfortunately, have seen more than one mass shooting in my time. The Columbine Shooting occurred in.....was it 1999? That was the year after I graduated high school and that was horrific. I also remember the VA Tech shooting. I was really affected by the shooting in the movie theatre that happened in Colorado this past summer. Each event hurt. Human beings have the ability to be so, so cruel.
However, the Sandy Hook tragedy has hit me the hardest. I think there's several reasons for this: I work in an education setting so I can picture in my mind how horrible it was for the teachers and kids. My own daughter is the same age as those sweet children. It really, really bothers me. There is so much hate and misery in the world, it's depressing to turn on the news.
A few days ago I was watching TV and trying to just veg on the couch. I was too lazy to find the remote when Brian William's Rock Center came on. I've never watched it, but for some reason I did that night. I saw the piece on Ann Curry and the 26 Acts. In case you missed it, Ann Curry tweeted shortly after the massacre a tweet about doing 26 Acts of Kindness. One act for each person killed in the school. I loved the idea. Evidently it's spreading all around the country on Twitter. If you look up #26Acts you'll see people tweeting about it.
I've decided to join in on it. I want to bring some happiness to people. If I can make 26 people smile, then that's awesome. I'm also hoping that those 26 people continue to do random acts of kindness to others.
Please please PLEASE, comment below if you want to join in on the 26 Acts train. If we all do 26 Acts....think of all the people we can touch!
Sunday, December 23, 2012
a man's basement is his castle
Well it wouldn't be Christmas without a few meltdowns, would it? I'm not talking the kids, either.
Little bit of background: Our house has a finished basement. It's not huge by any stretch of the imagination and without the sealed...um....seal that goes over the sump pump pit, the basement occasionally reeks of sewage (we've had it checked out...not toxic and the seal is not in the budget yet). However the finished part was my husband's oasis. There was just enough room for a large TV, a couch and his amp and guitars. The other side of the basement was the kid zone filled with toys.
As much as my husband enjoyed being down there, it wasn't just for him. Slowly our daughter started taking over the basement. She is very creative and has an art desk. Her room is a bit small so we put it in the basement. Well, she is part hoarder I think and the desk turned into one big trash heap full of papers, papers, and more papers mixed in with crayons, markers, empty chip bags, etc etc. My husband periodically yells at her to go clean up the mess downstairs but her idea of clean and ours vary greatly.
Today, he finally hit his boiling point. He went down there after telling her to clean and once again, found papers on the floor, toys out, and a new stain on the carpet from nail polish. He decided that the basement officially is to become a storage room and that's it. He then proceeded to take down his wall art, pack up his guitars, move the furniture to the center of the room and essentially, close down the basement.
While he was doing this, I was trying to talk to him. I told him I'd clean it up and why didn't he get all of us down there to clean it up together? He just kept saying it was storage now. When I told him that since he didnt want to be down there any more, I'd take it over. That went over like a lead balloon. It seemed that since it was ruined for him, then no one would get to enjoy the basement. Seriously, he can act like such a kid sometimes! I think that's why he and our daughter sometimes butts heads. She's like a mini-husband in female form!
I kicked him out of the basement and started vacuuming and cleaning. I filled a trash bag full of papers and just random crap that had accumulated down there. While I was doing that, Hubs kept coming downstairs and bitching about the stains on the carpet caused by play dough, spilled Kool-Aid, and nailpolish. However, when I brought up spills he had done on the carpet, he argued with me that he hadn't caused any stains. My point was....WHO CARES??? It's a basement. A little steam cleaning action and the stains will come up. They aren't that noticeable.
The outcome of all this is my basement is cleaner now but there's still furniture stacked up in the middle of the room. He came down after I had vacuumed and said he'd put it back together later. I swear, that man drives me bat shit crazy sometimes. He makes the smallest little issue into such a huge ordeal. I guess that is maybe the PTSD kicking in. He did tell our daughter he was really stressed and he shouldn't be so mad.
Today is done, tomorrow is a new day. Christmas Eve day.....that should bring it's own set of stressors dealing with family and travel and all that. But, one day at a time! Off to bed now for me!
Little bit of background: Our house has a finished basement. It's not huge by any stretch of the imagination and without the sealed...um....seal that goes over the sump pump pit, the basement occasionally reeks of sewage (we've had it checked out...not toxic and the seal is not in the budget yet). However the finished part was my husband's oasis. There was just enough room for a large TV, a couch and his amp and guitars. The other side of the basement was the kid zone filled with toys.
As much as my husband enjoyed being down there, it wasn't just for him. Slowly our daughter started taking over the basement. She is very creative and has an art desk. Her room is a bit small so we put it in the basement. Well, she is part hoarder I think and the desk turned into one big trash heap full of papers, papers, and more papers mixed in with crayons, markers, empty chip bags, etc etc. My husband periodically yells at her to go clean up the mess downstairs but her idea of clean and ours vary greatly.
While he was doing this, I was trying to talk to him. I told him I'd clean it up and why didn't he get all of us down there to clean it up together? He just kept saying it was storage now. When I told him that since he didnt want to be down there any more, I'd take it over. That went over like a lead balloon. It seemed that since it was ruined for him, then no one would get to enjoy the basement. Seriously, he can act like such a kid sometimes! I think that's why he and our daughter sometimes butts heads. She's like a mini-husband in female form!
I kicked him out of the basement and started vacuuming and cleaning. I filled a trash bag full of papers and just random crap that had accumulated down there. While I was doing that, Hubs kept coming downstairs and bitching about the stains on the carpet caused by play dough, spilled Kool-Aid, and nailpolish. However, when I brought up spills he had done on the carpet, he argued with me that he hadn't caused any stains. My point was....WHO CARES??? It's a basement. A little steam cleaning action and the stains will come up. They aren't that noticeable.
The outcome of all this is my basement is cleaner now but there's still furniture stacked up in the middle of the room. He came down after I had vacuumed and said he'd put it back together later. I swear, that man drives me bat shit crazy sometimes. He makes the smallest little issue into such a huge ordeal. I guess that is maybe the PTSD kicking in. He did tell our daughter he was really stressed and he shouldn't be so mad.
Today is done, tomorrow is a new day. Christmas Eve day.....that should bring it's own set of stressors dealing with family and travel and all that. But, one day at a time! Off to bed now for me!
Saturday, December 22, 2012
This shit's for the cats
Holy crappage.
About a month ago we brought home our sweet little rescue kitty for the 2nd time. We brought Whiskers home for the first time back in October but she very soon developed a upper respiratory infection. The humane society told me it's easier to heal in a home setting, but since it's very contagious and we have another cat, we chose to send her back to the shelter to get better. She was then put in foster care at an employee's home. One month later, we got the call that she was all better and right after Thanksgiving, we brought her home to us.
Well, within days after we brought her home, she got the runs. I figured it was just from new food and thought it would settle down. It didn't. Instead it got worse. I took her in after a week or two and she was tested positive for Giardia. Evidently, she can have this from the mom. I was surprised that the humane society hadn't caught it, but looking back, I think she may have gotten it from foster care. Although it was annoying, we got her on medicine and I thought that that would be that. Not so fast. A week later, I woke up and felt pee on my bed. Then, after getting up and walking out to the kitchen, i stepped in cat shit. Yuck.
My poor cat was literally leaking out her butt. Disgusting, I know, and if you're drinking coffee or eating anything while reading this, I apologize. I quick grabbed her and threw her in the bathroom with the kitten, who had been quarantined at that point. A vet trip later, and she too is on medicine for Giardia.
I've literally been dealing with poop for over a month now. The kitten finished her medicine yesterday and she still has loose bowels. The older cat, I havent' seen a bowel movement from her in awhile. Then, about a week ago, my toddler developed diarrhea. I figured it was from teething. However, it's lasted a freaking week. THe last straw came this morning. Our daughter had some GI issues in the toilet she took a shower. She was getting dressed and it just whooshed out of her. All over the floor. Seriously?????
We took both kids to Urgent care and a 90 minute wait led to the diagnosis of......nothing. We have to bring in stool samples and then they will tell us if they have Giardia. Sooooo, if we get one turned in tomorrow we won't know til Monday if they have it. Meanwhile, my husband is ready to shoot the cats because they have infested our home with the poop plague. I have mixed feelings on this. I don't want him to hurt the cats, obviously, but I'm about done with these felines. It's like a never-ending cycle.
I'm so frustrated. Why is it so hard for us to have something NORMAL? Thousands of people adopt cats and then adopt a second cat with no issues! I'm sure hundreds of people have cats that have a parasite and they don't infect their households. DAMMIT!
We have established we are not a dog household. Maybe we aren't a cat household either.
Fish anyone? Pet rock???
About a month ago we brought home our sweet little rescue kitty for the 2nd time. We brought Whiskers home for the first time back in October but she very soon developed a upper respiratory infection. The humane society told me it's easier to heal in a home setting, but since it's very contagious and we have another cat, we chose to send her back to the shelter to get better. She was then put in foster care at an employee's home. One month later, we got the call that she was all better and right after Thanksgiving, we brought her home to us.
Well, within days after we brought her home, she got the runs. I figured it was just from new food and thought it would settle down. It didn't. Instead it got worse. I took her in after a week or two and she was tested positive for Giardia. Evidently, she can have this from the mom. I was surprised that the humane society hadn't caught it, but looking back, I think she may have gotten it from foster care. Although it was annoying, we got her on medicine and I thought that that would be that. Not so fast. A week later, I woke up and felt pee on my bed. Then, after getting up and walking out to the kitchen, i stepped in cat shit. Yuck.
My poor cat was literally leaking out her butt. Disgusting, I know, and if you're drinking coffee or eating anything while reading this, I apologize. I quick grabbed her and threw her in the bathroom with the kitten, who had been quarantined at that point. A vet trip later, and she too is on medicine for Giardia.
I've literally been dealing with poop for over a month now. The kitten finished her medicine yesterday and she still has loose bowels. The older cat, I havent' seen a bowel movement from her in awhile. Then, about a week ago, my toddler developed diarrhea. I figured it was from teething. However, it's lasted a freaking week. THe last straw came this morning. Our daughter had some GI issues in the toilet she took a shower. She was getting dressed and it just whooshed out of her. All over the floor. Seriously?????
We took both kids to Urgent care and a 90 minute wait led to the diagnosis of......nothing. We have to bring in stool samples and then they will tell us if they have Giardia. Sooooo, if we get one turned in tomorrow we won't know til Monday if they have it. Meanwhile, my husband is ready to shoot the cats because they have infested our home with the poop plague. I have mixed feelings on this. I don't want him to hurt the cats, obviously, but I'm about done with these felines. It's like a never-ending cycle.
I'm so frustrated. Why is it so hard for us to have something NORMAL? Thousands of people adopt cats and then adopt a second cat with no issues! I'm sure hundreds of people have cats that have a parasite and they don't infect their households. DAMMIT!
We have established we are not a dog household. Maybe we aren't a cat household either.
Fish anyone? Pet rock???
Monday, December 17, 2012
The Sandy Hook Elementary Shooting
Unless you're living under a rock, you've heard of the massacre at Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, CT. I think it may be one of those times in life that looking back, you can remember where you were when you heard about it. For me, I saw a blip on the internet in the morning before I went to work. Honestly, and this sounds horrible, but my first thought was not sadness, outrage, or shock. No, my first thought was "not again". It seems like there has been so many mass shootings lately. So many, in fact, that I'm afraid the shock factor is wearing off.
That said, once I got to work (and I work at an elementary school), I didn't think about it again and went about doing my thing. However, later in the day I had a minute and I opened up a computer and went to CNN.com and saw the headline. My heart dropped in my chest. 20 dead....all little children? I remember looking over at the teacher I was with at that time, who happened to be a 3rd grade teacher and I walked over to him and he was at his desk looking at the same headline. We exchanged looks and both shook our heads in frustration and sadness.
Sadness. That doesn't begin to cut it. Heartache. Disbelief. Heartbreak for the parents and the siblings left behind.
I don't have an answer to the gun violence in America. Stricter gun laws are a part of it but that won't fix everything. If someone really wants to do harm, they'll find a way. However, now is the time to open the dialogue more about gun control and more so, mental health care.
Please say a prayer for those children and teachers killed on Friday.
That said, once I got to work (and I work at an elementary school), I didn't think about it again and went about doing my thing. However, later in the day I had a minute and I opened up a computer and went to CNN.com and saw the headline. My heart dropped in my chest. 20 dead....all little children? I remember looking over at the teacher I was with at that time, who happened to be a 3rd grade teacher and I walked over to him and he was at his desk looking at the same headline. We exchanged looks and both shook our heads in frustration and sadness.
Sadness. That doesn't begin to cut it. Heartache. Disbelief. Heartbreak for the parents and the siblings left behind.
I don't have an answer to the gun violence in America. Stricter gun laws are a part of it but that won't fix everything. If someone really wants to do harm, they'll find a way. However, now is the time to open the dialogue more about gun control and more so, mental health care.
Please say a prayer for those children and teachers killed on Friday.
Friday, December 14, 2012
Stepped in something this morning.....ew!
Today has not been a good morning, to say the least. I woke up 10 minutes late and was running around trying to get our daughter ready for school. I was in the kitchen making her toast and realized my foot was wet. Looking down I realized I had stepped in cat crap. Oh yuck! not just any cat poop, but diarrhea. Double yuck. I looked around and saw puddles in the kitchen and then found a wet spot in the living room also on the carpet. Evidently my older cat, Polly, has the runs as well as the new kitten. Awesome.
I hurried up and picked her up and put her in the bathroom with the other one. She was leaking poo as I walked with her. I am guessing she must have gotten it from the kitten. Great. My husband started complaining about the costs of the cats (which really, our first cat has only cost us food and one shot a year....but this is going to be two vet visits in a week). I called the vet, and can't get her in til after work. I wish Hubs would have taken her this morning but there's no way he's dealing with the cat. In the meantime, they're both locked up in the bathroom sharing germs.
This was all before 8am. After getting our munchkin off to school, the arguing started. How we have no money, how he wants to file bankruptcy. I didn't have anything to say. I was upset because I used to be good at handling money situations but the toll of dealing with him has made me sloppy. I didnt want to talk. Sometimes, when you're that upset, you just don't want to talk about it. He doesn't get that. "Why are you mad at me? Why won't you talk to me?"
"I have nothing to say" (because I didn't).
Well after following me around asking me what was wrong we talked. Anything I say to him he takes personally so that's why I don't talk to him. Now he's laying in our bed with the covers pulled over him sulking. God forbid I cry or complain because then all of a sudden "You're just feeling sorry for yourself"
Well, you know what? Maybe I am! Why can't I feel sorry for myself? My life has not gone how I wanted it to at all. Most of the time I keep a stiff upper lip and carry on but dammit....Life sucks sometimes. And all I want to do is be able to vent. Can't complain to him though or he takes it as a personal attack. I tried talking to my mom on the phone but she goes all Pollyanna on me which annoys the shit out of me. I don't want to hear how "this too shall pass" or any other stupid sayings. When I call to complain, I just want to get it all out there, have her say, "i'm sorry, that does suck". Acknowledge that my life is hard sometimes!! This is why I don't call my mother often. She sticks in little sayings and paints it as a fleeting moment and then usually, then she goes into something similar she's going through. This morning I got to hear about how her dog has a scratched cornea and needs to go to the vet and how "I don't have money either, but animals love you unconditionally and we need to take care of them..." BARF!
Ok, now I need to go to work. Let's hope this day turns around!!
I hurried up and picked her up and put her in the bathroom with the other one. She was leaking poo as I walked with her. I am guessing she must have gotten it from the kitten. Great. My husband started complaining about the costs of the cats (which really, our first cat has only cost us food and one shot a year....but this is going to be two vet visits in a week). I called the vet, and can't get her in til after work. I wish Hubs would have taken her this morning but there's no way he's dealing with the cat. In the meantime, they're both locked up in the bathroom sharing germs.
This was all before 8am. After getting our munchkin off to school, the arguing started. How we have no money, how he wants to file bankruptcy. I didn't have anything to say. I was upset because I used to be good at handling money situations but the toll of dealing with him has made me sloppy. I didnt want to talk. Sometimes, when you're that upset, you just don't want to talk about it. He doesn't get that. "Why are you mad at me? Why won't you talk to me?"
"I have nothing to say" (because I didn't).
Well after following me around asking me what was wrong we talked. Anything I say to him he takes personally so that's why I don't talk to him. Now he's laying in our bed with the covers pulled over him sulking. God forbid I cry or complain because then all of a sudden "You're just feeling sorry for yourself"
Well, you know what? Maybe I am! Why can't I feel sorry for myself? My life has not gone how I wanted it to at all. Most of the time I keep a stiff upper lip and carry on but dammit....Life sucks sometimes. And all I want to do is be able to vent. Can't complain to him though or he takes it as a personal attack. I tried talking to my mom on the phone but she goes all Pollyanna on me which annoys the shit out of me. I don't want to hear how "this too shall pass" or any other stupid sayings. When I call to complain, I just want to get it all out there, have her say, "i'm sorry, that does suck". Acknowledge that my life is hard sometimes!! This is why I don't call my mother often. She sticks in little sayings and paints it as a fleeting moment and then usually, then she goes into something similar she's going through. This morning I got to hear about how her dog has a scratched cornea and needs to go to the vet and how "I don't have money either, but animals love you unconditionally and we need to take care of them..." BARF!
Ok, now I need to go to work. Let's hope this day turns around!!
Monday, December 10, 2012
just checking in
I'm sitting here watching some recorded Grey's Anatomy. Another weekend has come and gone. I really feel like the longer the weekend, the shorter it seems. The school district had a teacher work day on Friday and the aides didn't have to attend. We spent the day at the YMCA. Well, actually, we didn't. Hubs went early to work out and shoot hoops and I was going to bring in the kids in a little bit. Well, packing up two kids and myself for the pool at the Y took a lot longer than I thought. By the time I got there and in the pool, it was 3:30. Hubs was already in the pool and we were only in there for 30 minutes when he was ready to go. well, hell no was I going to try and hustle both kids out of the pool by myself and attempt to dress them by myself so we all got out. Seriously, next time we go it will definitely be for longer than 30 minutes!
The rest of the weekend has gone by quickly. Took our daughter to the optometrist on Saturday because she failed her vision screening. I was STUNNED to learn that she is practically blind in her left eye. We're talking 20/200. WOW! Her other eye is practically perfect. I"m really worried that one lens is going to be coke-bottle thick and the other one thin. I took her to Walmart because I figured she just needed a slight prescription. I had no idea how bad her eyesight is. THen, afterwards, I got home and Googled and they kept talking about eye patches to help with it, which the optometrist did not mention so YIKES. Her glasses should be in on Wednesday so I'll ask when we pick them up.
I'm feeing antsy lately. I feel like I should be doing something, that something is going to happen but I don't know what. At the same time, I'm kind of down. Christmas used to be my favorite time of the year. It sucks, however, when money is tight. I want so badly to make a million cookies with my daughter. i want to decorate the halls, put up lights everywhere. I'd love to buy my kids everything they could desire and purchase the largest tree I can find. However, we're barely scraping by this month. Go figure that the month of Christmas is also the month we overpay on a car payment and decide to tackle our debt by making a huge-ass payment. STUPID! Mental note, start a Christmas Club fund!
The rest of the weekend has gone by quickly. Took our daughter to the optometrist on Saturday because she failed her vision screening. I was STUNNED to learn that she is practically blind in her left eye. We're talking 20/200. WOW! Her other eye is practically perfect. I"m really worried that one lens is going to be coke-bottle thick and the other one thin. I took her to Walmart because I figured she just needed a slight prescription. I had no idea how bad her eyesight is. THen, afterwards, I got home and Googled and they kept talking about eye patches to help with it, which the optometrist did not mention so YIKES. Her glasses should be in on Wednesday so I'll ask when we pick them up.
I'm feeing antsy lately. I feel like I should be doing something, that something is going to happen but I don't know what. At the same time, I'm kind of down. Christmas used to be my favorite time of the year. It sucks, however, when money is tight. I want so badly to make a million cookies with my daughter. i want to decorate the halls, put up lights everywhere. I'd love to buy my kids everything they could desire and purchase the largest tree I can find. However, we're barely scraping by this month. Go figure that the month of Christmas is also the month we overpay on a car payment and decide to tackle our debt by making a huge-ass payment. STUPID! Mental note, start a Christmas Club fund!
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Career change
I've been trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I'm in my almost mid-30's and I think I finally got it.
It's been a long journey: in college I thought I wanted to do nursing. That didn't pan out, so I ended up getting my teaching license. While I like teaching, I don't LOVE it and I never got around to getting a masters in it. Even after I moved states and discovered that I HAD to take additional classes to keep my license, I didn't. I just didn't know if I wanted to go back and get a masters degree in something I wasn't sure I wanted to stay in permanently.
For awhile I thought I wanted to do nursing again, but I think I like the idea of wearing scrubs all day as opposed to actually working as a nurse. The long hours, sticking people for IV's and shots, and the gross body fluids just aren't my thing. So then I started contemplating going for my masters in Occupational Therapy. I think if I had discovered this career back when I was first in college, it would have rocked it. However, while the career sounds really interesting and fun, I have next to no classes in sciences and the prereqs for an OT degree have a bunch of science and math courses. Ug.
Recently I started looking at how to get into a program that has full funding. A high school friend of mine is now an oceanographer in New Orleans after getting a full ride at Oregon State. However, most of the programs are science or math related and pretty much all of them are PhD. I started looking around and thought hard about Counseling Psychology. Unfortunately, the deadline to apply was today and I discovered this fact 2 weeks ago......Not near enough time to get all my crap in.
My husband has really been pushing me to look at gaining a masters in Social Work. Hmmmm. I won't get rich doing social work, but it is something I have thought about for a long time. I remember way back when I was in college, I went to see the advisor in the school of social work. I was struggling in college because I just didn't know what route to take and I thought that if I could switch majors I would be able to turn it around. The douche-bag of an advisor, however, was very quick to point out that I was struggling and pretty much told me that I would never be good enough to enter the School of Social Work. She wouldn't even let me explain myself. I was in her office less than 5 minutes.
Bitch.
I went on, might I add, to gain a degree in Education and I got high honors. So yes, I was able to turn my shit around.
I just think that this may be my calling. I don't really want to work in Child services though. I think if I saw abused children I would not be able to leave it at work. It would eat at me. That part freaks me out. I think I'd like to work in a hospital setting perhaps, discharge planner? Eventually go back after 2 years and get my Licensed Clinical Social Worker and do mental health with the VA.
It's a scary thought, going back to school. I'm not sure the Hubs fully understands how much our life would change. I'd be gone during the day at class and nighttime would be studying at the kitchen table (or a library, or Sbux, etc). He'd have to step up and do more housework and he'd definitely have more time with the kids. I'm scared. What if I suck? What if i regret going back because my kids miss me and I miss them?
I'm not getting any younger though and I think if I don't get on it and apply soon, then I'll just have to hang up the idea of going back to school.
It's been a long journey: in college I thought I wanted to do nursing. That didn't pan out, so I ended up getting my teaching license. While I like teaching, I don't LOVE it and I never got around to getting a masters in it. Even after I moved states and discovered that I HAD to take additional classes to keep my license, I didn't. I just didn't know if I wanted to go back and get a masters degree in something I wasn't sure I wanted to stay in permanently.
For awhile I thought I wanted to do nursing again, but I think I like the idea of wearing scrubs all day as opposed to actually working as a nurse. The long hours, sticking people for IV's and shots, and the gross body fluids just aren't my thing. So then I started contemplating going for my masters in Occupational Therapy. I think if I had discovered this career back when I was first in college, it would have rocked it. However, while the career sounds really interesting and fun, I have next to no classes in sciences and the prereqs for an OT degree have a bunch of science and math courses. Ug.
Recently I started looking at how to get into a program that has full funding. A high school friend of mine is now an oceanographer in New Orleans after getting a full ride at Oregon State. However, most of the programs are science or math related and pretty much all of them are PhD. I started looking around and thought hard about Counseling Psychology. Unfortunately, the deadline to apply was today and I discovered this fact 2 weeks ago......Not near enough time to get all my crap in.
My husband has really been pushing me to look at gaining a masters in Social Work. Hmmmm. I won't get rich doing social work, but it is something I have thought about for a long time. I remember way back when I was in college, I went to see the advisor in the school of social work. I was struggling in college because I just didn't know what route to take and I thought that if I could switch majors I would be able to turn it around. The douche-bag of an advisor, however, was very quick to point out that I was struggling and pretty much told me that I would never be good enough to enter the School of Social Work. She wouldn't even let me explain myself. I was in her office less than 5 minutes.
Bitch.
I went on, might I add, to gain a degree in Education and I got high honors. So yes, I was able to turn my shit around.
I just think that this may be my calling. I don't really want to work in Child services though. I think if I saw abused children I would not be able to leave it at work. It would eat at me. That part freaks me out. I think I'd like to work in a hospital setting perhaps, discharge planner? Eventually go back after 2 years and get my Licensed Clinical Social Worker and do mental health with the VA.
It's a scary thought, going back to school. I'm not sure the Hubs fully understands how much our life would change. I'd be gone during the day at class and nighttime would be studying at the kitchen table (or a library, or Sbux, etc). He'd have to step up and do more housework and he'd definitely have more time with the kids. I'm scared. What if I suck? What if i regret going back because my kids miss me and I miss them?
I'm not getting any younger though and I think if I don't get on it and apply soon, then I'll just have to hang up the idea of going back to school.
Kitty issues
I wish I could start today over. Yuck.
I woke up this morning on my own. Wondering what woke me up, I stretched out in my bed and then I realized what must have woke me up......When I was stretching, my foot hit a cold, west spot on my bed. Some animal, one of the cats, peed on my bed. This really ticked me off because last night my new kitten had some nasty diarrhea behind my curio cabinet.
After stripping the bed, and loading some of the bedding into my washer I took the kitten and her litter box and dumped her in the half bathroom. I don't know what to do with her. She hadn't had any accidents in the week we'd had her. The only thing I can think of, is that yesterday morning before work, I moved her litter box downstairs to the basement with my other cat's litterbox. I put them side by side in the laundry room. I showed both cats where they were and left it at that.
This morning I realized, after the whole pee in the bed incident, that neither of my cats had gone since yesterday. WTF??? So I don't know if they didn't like the basement laundry room, or if one of the cats was bullying the other out of the litter box. I figured I will just separate the cats and see if any more accidents occur within the next few days. THen maybe I'll try again and put the boxes downstairs in another part of the basement. She keeps this up though, and she's out of here! It's a bummer. I just want a nice kitty to play with my other cat. Why isn't ANYTHING easy?
After that whole debacle, I was happy to get out of the house. I went with my neighbor to a local church for their cookie walk. We are talking wall-to-wall cookies. You walk in, they give you a box and a plastic glove and let you go and fill up your box. It was 8.00 a pound and i ended up spending $14.00 in cookies. I thought it was a lot, but they're not going to last long in this house!
Hubs has been blah today. Last night he was feeling good and invited the neighbors over to play board games. We ended up just watching our babies play together, but it was still fun! THis morning, however, he is grumpy. I mentioned a parade today and that our nighbors invited us to go and he got all cranky. He wants to do his own thing on the weekends because he is so bored on the weekdays. I get that, but the weekends are family time....least in my eyes. We're all home, we can go do stuff together. He'd rather go ride his motorcycle and do things he likes to do.
It's just frustrating. I totally get out he is bored during the week. He has no job, no hobbies, and he is afraid of losing his rating so he won't go volunteer somewhere or do anything. PTSD is holding him hostage!
I woke up this morning on my own. Wondering what woke me up, I stretched out in my bed and then I realized what must have woke me up......When I was stretching, my foot hit a cold, west spot on my bed. Some animal, one of the cats, peed on my bed. This really ticked me off because last night my new kitten had some nasty diarrhea behind my curio cabinet.
After stripping the bed, and loading some of the bedding into my washer I took the kitten and her litter box and dumped her in the half bathroom. I don't know what to do with her. She hadn't had any accidents in the week we'd had her. The only thing I can think of, is that yesterday morning before work, I moved her litter box downstairs to the basement with my other cat's litterbox. I put them side by side in the laundry room. I showed both cats where they were and left it at that.
This morning I realized, after the whole pee in the bed incident, that neither of my cats had gone since yesterday. WTF??? So I don't know if they didn't like the basement laundry room, or if one of the cats was bullying the other out of the litter box. I figured I will just separate the cats and see if any more accidents occur within the next few days. THen maybe I'll try again and put the boxes downstairs in another part of the basement. She keeps this up though, and she's out of here! It's a bummer. I just want a nice kitty to play with my other cat. Why isn't ANYTHING easy?
After that whole debacle, I was happy to get out of the house. I went with my neighbor to a local church for their cookie walk. We are talking wall-to-wall cookies. You walk in, they give you a box and a plastic glove and let you go and fill up your box. It was 8.00 a pound and i ended up spending $14.00 in cookies. I thought it was a lot, but they're not going to last long in this house!
Hubs has been blah today. Last night he was feeling good and invited the neighbors over to play board games. We ended up just watching our babies play together, but it was still fun! THis morning, however, he is grumpy. I mentioned a parade today and that our nighbors invited us to go and he got all cranky. He wants to do his own thing on the weekends because he is so bored on the weekdays. I get that, but the weekends are family time....least in my eyes. We're all home, we can go do stuff together. He'd rather go ride his motorcycle and do things he likes to do.
It's just frustrating. I totally get out he is bored during the week. He has no job, no hobbies, and he is afraid of losing his rating so he won't go volunteer somewhere or do anything. PTSD is holding him hostage!
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Guilty Pleasures
I have a guilty pleasure. It's called Grey's Anatomy.
I won't pretend that there aren't times that the damn show pissed me off. I mean, how many tragedies can one hospital go through? But, there's something great about curling up in my lazy boy, my warm footie socks on, watching Grey's. Not sure what it is but I like it.
My other guilty pleasure is driving through McDonalds at least once a day and ordering a large Coke. Thank God for drive throughs. I have a bit of a caffeine addiction and if I work it right, the Coke lasts mosts of the day.
What's your guilty pleasure?
I won't pretend that there aren't times that the damn show pissed me off. I mean, how many tragedies can one hospital go through? But, there's something great about curling up in my lazy boy, my warm footie socks on, watching Grey's. Not sure what it is but I like it.
My other guilty pleasure is driving through McDonalds at least once a day and ordering a large Coke. Thank God for drive throughs. I have a bit of a caffeine addiction and if I work it right, the Coke lasts mosts of the day.
What's your guilty pleasure?
Friday, November 16, 2012
Can't sleep
I hate insomnia.
Here it is, 12:45am and I'm awake. I'm not even a little sleepy. Well, okay.....maybe a tad tired, but not much! I don't know why, but it gets to be late at night and I end up being up.
I'm thinking it's because everyone is asleep, and I can finally think about stuff without being interrupted by little ones who want hugs, or milk, or a DSI plugged in, or husbands who don't know where their stuff is.....Yup, at night it's just me and the cat.
I used to love staying up late. I got a lot of stuff done and then I could sleep in and be fine. Those days are gone, however. I kind of got by when my daughter was a baby. Hubs was deployed and I wasn't working so it was awesome: Stay up late and then in the morning lay comatose on the couch while she and I watched tv. Then, after mommy recouped, we'd go to a mommy and me group or baby-mommy swim lessons. However, now it's a completely different story.
For starters, now I have to get my daughter up and at 'em for school. This is not an easy task. She's very pokey in the morning and I gotta say I don't help because I hit Snooze a few too many times. She gets on the bus a little before 8am and I would LOVE to go back to sleep at that point, but about the time I heard the bus drive away, I start to hear my son wake up in his crib.
Ugh.
I love it, believe me. I wish I could snuggle with him like I did with her. Lay there in our pj's and watch The View or Good Morning America. However, morning time is rushed around here. I try and get him fed, and then I go through like a freak trying to get as much done as possible before I head off to work. Then, once i'm home at night, then it's hurry hurry to get dinner made, cleaned up, baths, homework.....the anthem of mothers everywhere.
I'm the first one up and the last one to sleep. I think this burning the candle at both ends is going to catch up to me. Maybe this weekend I'll try to go to bed early. Yeah right!
Here it is, 12:45am and I'm awake. I'm not even a little sleepy. Well, okay.....maybe a tad tired, but not much! I don't know why, but it gets to be late at night and I end up being up.
I'm thinking it's because everyone is asleep, and I can finally think about stuff without being interrupted by little ones who want hugs, or milk, or a DSI plugged in, or husbands who don't know where their stuff is.....Yup, at night it's just me and the cat.
I used to love staying up late. I got a lot of stuff done and then I could sleep in and be fine. Those days are gone, however. I kind of got by when my daughter was a baby. Hubs was deployed and I wasn't working so it was awesome: Stay up late and then in the morning lay comatose on the couch while she and I watched tv. Then, after mommy recouped, we'd go to a mommy and me group or baby-mommy swim lessons. However, now it's a completely different story.
For starters, now I have to get my daughter up and at 'em for school. This is not an easy task. She's very pokey in the morning and I gotta say I don't help because I hit Snooze a few too many times. She gets on the bus a little before 8am and I would LOVE to go back to sleep at that point, but about the time I heard the bus drive away, I start to hear my son wake up in his crib.
Ugh.
I love it, believe me. I wish I could snuggle with him like I did with her. Lay there in our pj's and watch The View or Good Morning America. However, morning time is rushed around here. I try and get him fed, and then I go through like a freak trying to get as much done as possible before I head off to work. Then, once i'm home at night, then it's hurry hurry to get dinner made, cleaned up, baths, homework.....the anthem of mothers everywhere.
I'm the first one up and the last one to sleep. I think this burning the candle at both ends is going to catch up to me. Maybe this weekend I'll try to go to bed early. Yeah right!
Friday, November 9, 2012
where to go with this?
I like blogging but I'm facing an identity crisis with this one. I started the blog as a way to vent my frustrations with my husband's PTSD. Eventually my bitching became annoying to me, not to mention depressing. So, I switched it up and tried to throw in some lighter stuff......
But do I want to put the lighter stuff in here? Hmmmm? Part of me wants to blog about other things, PTSD is a huge part of my life, but it isn't my entire life (although sometimes I feel that way). But on the other hand, it's a blog where people can go to for advice or to just read about PTSD to educate themselves or to realize that they aren't alone.
Ug. What to do, what to do?
If anyone out there reads my blog, please let me know. Let me know what you want out of it.
Thanks!
But do I want to put the lighter stuff in here? Hmmmm? Part of me wants to blog about other things, PTSD is a huge part of my life, but it isn't my entire life (although sometimes I feel that way). But on the other hand, it's a blog where people can go to for advice or to just read about PTSD to educate themselves or to realize that they aren't alone.
Ug. What to do, what to do?
If anyone out there reads my blog, please let me know. Let me know what you want out of it.
Thanks!
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Can't we all just get along?
Election Night 2012 is history now. Thank God all the political tv ads, mailings, and yard signs are now gone. Well.....the yard signs remain but it's been raining all day today and quite a few I've noticed are getting quite soggy and run down-looking. Hopefully most, if not all, will end up in tomorrow's garbage.
I'm not holding my breathe that the Grand Ole Party and the Democrats can actually learn to get along and get stuff done. I'm pretty sure that it's going to be the same-old-same-old. Depressing.
Last night I was watching Fox News and at one point EARLY on, they mentioned what would happen if it was a tie in the electoral college. I missed part of it, but the gist I got was that the House would choose the president and the Senate would choose the VP. We all know how the election turned out, but it got me wondering.....What would happen if this was the case all the time? What if we HAD to choose one from each party? I can hardly imagine what it would be like for Mitt to work daily with Biden or if Obama had Paul Ryan as his 2nd in command.
They'd be forced to *Gasp* work together. What a concept!
Maybe they should do that all the time. Have an Election with the candidates separated....imagine choosing Obama without Biden or Romney without Ryan....hmmmm.
Makes ya think, doesn't it?
In the meantime, I can only pray and hope that Washington D.C learns to work together......but I'm not holding my breath.
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Election Night thoughts
Annoyed.
Cannot believe Obama won again. Hello!?! Do I love with idiots in this country? The economy sucks, there's the whole Libya fiasco, and yet he is still elected.
Blah.
Friday, November 2, 2012
I voted early, now give me my sticker
I have never done an absentee ballet before for an election. Call me a nerd, but I like going in on Election Day and casting my vote in person. There's something about being around other like-minded individuals who, although they may be voting differently than me, are still exercising their right to vote. Well, if you're in the U.S you are painfully aware of how close this race is between Romney and Obama. I say painfully because, if you're like me, you've gotten piles of campaign mail shoved in your mailbox, and are downright done with the ads on TV. Anyway, the experts are saying it is a very close race and will be of historic nature.
Translation: It will be hella busy come Tuesday at the polls.
I decided to go in early and vote absentee. I had some second thoughts at one point and almost chickened out. I remembered how in elections past, absentee ballets had gone missing. Nothing would piss me off more than if I voted early and then they lost ballets. But, I am a relatively trusting soul so and I really did not want to stand in line on Tuesday for any amount of time.
I gotta say, it was super easy. I went to the City Hall a little after 9am this morning and there was no line. They had 3 voting booths set up and there was a gentleman registering to vote, and about 3 other people in the process of voting but it was all very smooth and I only waited about 2 minutes. The only real difference I noticed between voting early and on Election Day was that after I was done filling out my ballet, I had to put it in an envelope and seal it up. Then, I gave it back to one of the workers.
I think early voting is going to be HUGE this election. Today was the last day to do it, but I know of at least a handful of people who have done it that I know personally. It certainly was nice not to have to wait around and it was also great to avoid lines.
I may vote early every year!
Translation: It will be hella busy come Tuesday at the polls.
I decided to go in early and vote absentee. I had some second thoughts at one point and almost chickened out. I remembered how in elections past, absentee ballets had gone missing. Nothing would piss me off more than if I voted early and then they lost ballets. But, I am a relatively trusting soul so and I really did not want to stand in line on Tuesday for any amount of time.
I gotta say, it was super easy. I went to the City Hall a little after 9am this morning and there was no line. They had 3 voting booths set up and there was a gentleman registering to vote, and about 3 other people in the process of voting but it was all very smooth and I only waited about 2 minutes. The only real difference I noticed between voting early and on Election Day was that after I was done filling out my ballet, I had to put it in an envelope and seal it up. Then, I gave it back to one of the workers.
I think early voting is going to be HUGE this election. Today was the last day to do it, but I know of at least a handful of people who have done it that I know personally. It certainly was nice not to have to wait around and it was also great to avoid lines.
I may vote early every year!
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Thankful Day 1
If you're on Facebook you've noticed the annual "Thankful Lists" have popped up. The gist is that every day you post something you're thankful for. Well, I don't really see me doing it every day but I'm going to try and blog about things I'm thankful for. My blog can be pretty pathetic and depressing and sometimes it's good to just remind myself of the blessings in my life.
So, today I am thankful for a good humane society. Yes, you read that right. Last week we adopted a cute little baby kitten to be a playmate for our 2 year old fat cat, Polly. Well, the kitten (who still has no name) went to the vet Monday and he noticed one of her eyes was teary. Instead of doing anything, he just told me to monitor it. Well, it got worse, her appetite decreased, and I was really nervous that she would give it to our other cat.
I phoned the pound where we got her and they were SO helpful. The lady on the phone, Lisa, explained everything so carefully and took the time to listen to my concerns. We ended up deciding to take her back to the shelter where she will have treatment for free and this way she will be in isolation from other cats. I was so sad becuase if she had stayed here, she would have been quarantined to a very small bathroom which would have been horrible for her.
Short and sweet, but hey....there ya go. I'm thankful for kind Lisa at the Humane Shelter and the great staff there who are taking care of our sweetie pie until she can come back home with us!
So, today I am thankful for a good humane society. Yes, you read that right. Last week we adopted a cute little baby kitten to be a playmate for our 2 year old fat cat, Polly. Well, the kitten (who still has no name) went to the vet Monday and he noticed one of her eyes was teary. Instead of doing anything, he just told me to monitor it. Well, it got worse, her appetite decreased, and I was really nervous that she would give it to our other cat.
I phoned the pound where we got her and they were SO helpful. The lady on the phone, Lisa, explained everything so carefully and took the time to listen to my concerns. We ended up deciding to take her back to the shelter where she will have treatment for free and this way she will be in isolation from other cats. I was so sad becuase if she had stayed here, she would have been quarantined to a very small bathroom which would have been horrible for her.
Short and sweet, but hey....there ya go. I'm thankful for kind Lisa at the Humane Shelter and the great staff there who are taking care of our sweetie pie until she can come back home with us!
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Wish I had gone into Photography!
Last Saturday I took the kids to get their photos taken at a local park. The photographer is a friend of a friend and a Navy wife. I went to a wedding over the summer and she was the photographer and since my little man turned one recently, I decided I REALLY needed to get some more pictures of him up on my walls. When my daughter was born, I faithfully took her every three months to JC Penney to get her pictures taken. This time around, I have been so lax about it. He had pictures professionally taken when he was three months old and that's it.
Sooooo, Saturday was a big day. Kellie took some WONDERFUL pictures. I just got the email tonight that the proofs were ready and I've been browsing them. They are SO GOOD! I am having a hard time choosing exactly which pictures I want. Having pictures professionally taken by a photographer (think NO chain stores like JCP or Sears) isn't exactly cheap. Even with my military discount she gave me, it was a hefty price just for the session. Now I have to pay more to get the proofs or pay $100 for a CD of the images and THEN pay more for the proofs I want from the CD. It can very quickly add up.
It'd be easier if most of them sucked. If there was only one or two good ones then i would know right away which ones to order. However, she got quite a few great shots of my son, my daughter, and the two of them together. I know I want a large print of the two of them together, and then several of my son, and one of my daughter by herself. Then of course, the grandparents and aunts want pictures. I'm like AHHHHHH!
I am kicking myself that I did not go into photography. What a really great career to go into! You get the privilege of taking pictures of people, of making memories for them of that instant in time. There's creativity involved in getting the right shot, the editing process, yadda yadda.....Plus, there's versatility because you're your own boss. You decide when you want to book a session with someone.
However, even as I think this....I'm not sure I'd want to go into it at this point in my life. I'd have to get a really nice camera and take the classes.....While I like the idea, im just not sure I'd be good at it. So, I guess I'll let the professionals do it and I'll stick with snapping shots on my Iphone or my Droid.
In the meantime.....How am I supposed to pick from all the gorgeous prints of my bambinos?????
Sooooo, Saturday was a big day. Kellie took some WONDERFUL pictures. I just got the email tonight that the proofs were ready and I've been browsing them. They are SO GOOD! I am having a hard time choosing exactly which pictures I want. Having pictures professionally taken by a photographer (think NO chain stores like JCP or Sears) isn't exactly cheap. Even with my military discount she gave me, it was a hefty price just for the session. Now I have to pay more to get the proofs or pay $100 for a CD of the images and THEN pay more for the proofs I want from the CD. It can very quickly add up.
It'd be easier if most of them sucked. If there was only one or two good ones then i would know right away which ones to order. However, she got quite a few great shots of my son, my daughter, and the two of them together. I know I want a large print of the two of them together, and then several of my son, and one of my daughter by herself. Then of course, the grandparents and aunts want pictures. I'm like AHHHHHH!
I am kicking myself that I did not go into photography. What a really great career to go into! You get the privilege of taking pictures of people, of making memories for them of that instant in time. There's creativity involved in getting the right shot, the editing process, yadda yadda.....Plus, there's versatility because you're your own boss. You decide when you want to book a session with someone.
However, even as I think this....I'm not sure I'd want to go into it at this point in my life. I'd have to get a really nice camera and take the classes.....While I like the idea, im just not sure I'd be good at it. So, I guess I'll let the professionals do it and I'll stick with snapping shots on my Iphone or my Droid.
In the meantime.....How am I supposed to pick from all the gorgeous prints of my bambinos?????
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Happy birthday to me!
Today is my birthday.
As far as my birthdays go, this one was actually pretty decent. It's been unseasonably nice lately so last night I went to sleep with the windows open and so it was delightful waking up this morning to a nice breeze blowing in through the window. Then, I went and got a coffee from Caribou Coffee. I was in such a good mood I decided to do a Random Act of Kindness and buy the coffee for the guy behind me in the drive through. I hope he enjoyed it!
Work was pretty good. My students were kind of antsy. Is it a full moon? Perhaps the fact that tomorrow are the Halloween parties? Not sure but either way, they may have been ornery but they weren't bad.
One of the best things about today though......My husband told me Happy Birthday......unprompted! This is a big deal. Hubs and I don't make a big deal out of birthdays for each other. I would like to make more out of them, but Hubs just doesn't. In birthdays past, it's been known that I have gone without a happy birthday from him. Usually he will say it after I prompt him, or the kids will tell him. Either way.....doesn't feel too special when you have to ask to be told happy bday. That's why this was so nice today. He came up and put his arm around me and told me Happy Birthday. Short and sweet but I'll take it!
I think that's one of the most discouraging aspects of his PTSD; the fact that he is so detached from everyone and has such trouble showing affection. I'm not a really super affectionate gal, but I love hugs and a kiss would be nice. I want to feel appreciated, dammit! Anyway, his small gesture, which to most people would be the bare bones of what you should do for your spouse on her birthday, was a huge gesture to me because he DOESN'T do them normally.
Anyone else's spouse like this?
Sunday, October 14, 2012
writing a book?
My aunt was a teacher. She taught 4th grade for years and years and I adored her. One of my favorite things to do was write stories on notebook paper and then mail them to her to read. She would read them, and then....here's the best part....she would send it back with notes and encouragement. I LOVED it!
I've always loved writing. When I was a kid I would fill notebook after notebook with stories, poems, and an occasional illustration or two. I had dreams of becoming a writer, of making it BIG. I thought I was a pretty good writer. Darn good, in fact. However, looking back, perhaps my aunt just did a really good job of stroking my ego. That said, I did always do well in English and have been told I have a knack for it.
So what happened? I think life caught up with me. I grew up and as the years went by the idea of being a professional writer sounded sillier and sillier. Even now, I think maybe I should have pursued it. Maybe gotten a degree in English and taught high school kids how to write essays properly and cite their sources. Perhaps I would have gone on to publishing; moved to New York and become a huge success story in the publishing business.
Or not.
Even now I still secretly, in the back of my head, think that I would like to make it a career somehow. They say you should write about something you know. The obvious thing, to me, would be to write about PTSD and how it has affected my marriage, my kids, my life in general. But I just don't know what route to take with that. I feel like our story isn't done....how can I write an incomplete story? I could tell our story so far....but wouldn't that cheat the reader at the end? There's no ending yet. I don't know how our PTSD story will end. I am hopeful it will end with a happy ending, but who knows?
Still.....Something to think about.
I've always loved writing. When I was a kid I would fill notebook after notebook with stories, poems, and an occasional illustration or two. I had dreams of becoming a writer, of making it BIG. I thought I was a pretty good writer. Darn good, in fact. However, looking back, perhaps my aunt just did a really good job of stroking my ego. That said, I did always do well in English and have been told I have a knack for it.
So what happened? I think life caught up with me. I grew up and as the years went by the idea of being a professional writer sounded sillier and sillier. Even now, I think maybe I should have pursued it. Maybe gotten a degree in English and taught high school kids how to write essays properly and cite their sources. Perhaps I would have gone on to publishing; moved to New York and become a huge success story in the publishing business.
Or not.
Even now I still secretly, in the back of my head, think that I would like to make it a career somehow. They say you should write about something you know. The obvious thing, to me, would be to write about PTSD and how it has affected my marriage, my kids, my life in general. But I just don't know what route to take with that. I feel like our story isn't done....how can I write an incomplete story? I could tell our story so far....but wouldn't that cheat the reader at the end? There's no ending yet. I don't know how our PTSD story will end. I am hopeful it will end with a happy ending, but who knows?
Still.....Something to think about.
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Fall into Autumn
Autumn is probably my favorite time of year, for several reasons. For one, I love the cooler temps. There is nothing like throwing on a sweatshirt to run errands or cuddling up on the couch with a fire going on a cool Fall evening. Fall is also home to the best sports! Who doesn't love college football or watching some Monday Night Football? Then there's the food! Give me pumpkin pie, apple cider and apple donuts any day of the year and I'll be a happy camper. To top it off, the scenery is gorgeous! I love living in Wisconsin this time of year, with the leaves changing colors. It's beautiful.
Yep, it's my favorite time of year, but it goes too quickly! It doesn't help that the season is so short; you blink an eye and it's going to be winter. However, it's also a season that seems to be full of appointments, activities, and things to do! Today is actually the only Saturday in 6 weeks that I have nothing to do. It's amazing to be sitting here in some scrubs and a hoodie and just chilling watching some Michigan football and listening to the rain fall outside. All I need now is some hot chocolate or some apple cider and I'll be set!
So far, knock on wood, this season has also lacked some PTSD drama. Even though it's my favorite time of year, it's also a time that is full of anniversaries for the Hubs. Usually from about October 1st until February, we are on pins and needles trying to avoid setting him off and giving him his space to help process and deal with the anniversaries. I'm not sure why this year is different, but I'm going to take it while I can get it. I'm sure we are just in the "dip" in the roller coaster that is PTSD. But, like I said, I take it while I can and enjoy it while it lasts.
Yep, it's my favorite time of year, but it goes too quickly! It doesn't help that the season is so short; you blink an eye and it's going to be winter. However, it's also a season that seems to be full of appointments, activities, and things to do! Today is actually the only Saturday in 6 weeks that I have nothing to do. It's amazing to be sitting here in some scrubs and a hoodie and just chilling watching some Michigan football and listening to the rain fall outside. All I need now is some hot chocolate or some apple cider and I'll be set!
So far, knock on wood, this season has also lacked some PTSD drama. Even though it's my favorite time of year, it's also a time that is full of anniversaries for the Hubs. Usually from about October 1st until February, we are on pins and needles trying to avoid setting him off and giving him his space to help process and deal with the anniversaries. I'm not sure why this year is different, but I'm going to take it while I can get it. I'm sure we are just in the "dip" in the roller coaster that is PTSD. But, like I said, I take it while I can and enjoy it while it lasts.
Friday, September 28, 2012
Weekend away
Leaving, on a jet plane. Don't know when I'll be back again....
OK, no. Not really. I'm actually leaving in a car and I'll be back Sunday morning. And oh, by the way.....I'm ditching my family and leaving Hubs to fend for himself.
This weekend would have been my sister's wedding. Yes, would have been. Her fiancé ended the engagement and relationship a few months ago, leaving her devastated in the short term but thankful in the long term because she realized it was for the best. She's doing great, but she's mourning the loss of a wedding. This weekend would have been all about her on her day. Sooooo.....mom and I are taking her on a little Girls Weekend Away. We're only going to be a few hours away, but I'm a little nervous about it because Hubs is going to be home alone with the children.
Hubs is a great dad. He had his moments when our son was teeny tiny because he couldn't handle the colic and pretty much was a hands off dad. However, he's come around and does a great job. That said, he doesn't multi-task very well. I'm not sure how it will go down when Junior needs a bottle or a bath and our daughter is bellowing that she needs food or a story read to her. I can practically guarantee that the dishes will be piled up high when I come back and there will be a mess so my relaxing weekend will be spent Sunday cleaning up after my family.
However, I am choosing NOT to focus on that, because if I do I'm going to cause anxiety in myself. Nope, instead I'm going to relax and have a good time. I'm not sure what's on the agenda for the weekend. We're going to a little town a ways away and I think the plan is to shop and eat and just relax. I'm okay with that. Frankly, there are other places I would have chosen to go but mom planned it all and well.....you can kind of tell a 60-some year old lady planned this. Not very hip. But, oh well. I'm just going with the flow!
So, stay tuned for my next blog post for a rundown on how it goes and what kind of mess my kidlets and hubby get into while I'm gone.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Top 10 Twitter reactions to Packers/Seahawks #MNF
10. Brit Hume
Replacement refs doing the best they can. That's the problem. Sort of like President Obama.
9. Andrew Jerell Jones
The NFL owners have done the impossible. They have made Chicago Bears fans feel bad about the Green Bay Packers. #NFL
I love this league and love the game of football, but tonight’s debacle hurts me greatly. This is NOT the league we’re supposed to represent
6. Michael Silver
'What the f--- just happened?' pic.twitter.com/eyq9cCtt
The nfl needs to come to gb and apologize to us for fucking us! These refs r bums!
These games are a joke.
Got fucked by the refs.. Embarrassing. Thanks nfl
Fuck it NFL.. Fine me and use the money to pay the regular refs.
any others?
Friday, September 21, 2012
The Aftermath
I'd love to report that since my last post, things have made a rapid turnaround and life was wonderful.
It didn't and it's not.
Yesterday was no better. Hubs was gone all day at the VA so we didn't see much of each other but in the.....maybe 2 hours we did spend in each other's company, we got into another argument. He has this habit of leaving and not telling me where he's going. Last night I told him I wanted to go buy a Bible for my study group because I had no idea where mine had gone. He mentioned he had one downstairs somewhere. But he never said he'd go get it and the downstairs storage area is a scary part of our basement where the lightbulb is burnt out and there are piles of crap everywhere.
So, after the kids were in bed I just left. Got in my car and went to Barnes and Noble and picked out a Bible. I was gone maybe an hour tops. I got home and he asked me where his Coke was. He evidently texted me asking me to get him one, but I'd left my phone at home. He told me since we were just doing what we want to do, he wouldn't worry anymore about just leaving. I tried to tell him I was making a point, but it went right over his head and once again, bad me. bad me.
******
We did talk a little more. He's doing some kind of deep therapy at the VA and it's bringing up a lot of stuff from a specific trauma he went through in Iraq. Last night I told him he was mean and he said he knew he was. I told him he enjoys being mean and he said he didnt' and then he gave me a notebook that he has where he wrote about the trauma.
First off, I am all in favor of switching therapists there. I'm not quite sure WHY they would have him do this deep shit and then drive home an hour. I think if he does this kind of stuff he needs to be there to process it all. I'm hoping he really does switch doctors and this isn't just talk.
Second of all, I'm sorry he went through that. Believe me, just reading his journal entry made me feel like throwing up. I can't imagine what it was like to have to be there.
However: We aren't the enemies. I didn't do anything to him and I can't stand how he delights in being mean and cynical. He honestly enjoys it. He says he doesn't but I've seen the smile when he's being mean. He enjoys hurting others. That is what disgusts me.
***
So yeah, life not so peachy right now. I think we're just going to try and co-habitate together for the kids. Maybe things will get better, but I can't wait around to see if they do. I need to focus on what I can do, to help myself and my kids. In the meantime, I'll try and stay out of Hurricane Hubs way!
It didn't and it's not.
Yesterday was no better. Hubs was gone all day at the VA so we didn't see much of each other but in the.....maybe 2 hours we did spend in each other's company, we got into another argument. He has this habit of leaving and not telling me where he's going. Last night I told him I wanted to go buy a Bible for my study group because I had no idea where mine had gone. He mentioned he had one downstairs somewhere. But he never said he'd go get it and the downstairs storage area is a scary part of our basement where the lightbulb is burnt out and there are piles of crap everywhere.
So, after the kids were in bed I just left. Got in my car and went to Barnes and Noble and picked out a Bible. I was gone maybe an hour tops. I got home and he asked me where his Coke was. He evidently texted me asking me to get him one, but I'd left my phone at home. He told me since we were just doing what we want to do, he wouldn't worry anymore about just leaving. I tried to tell him I was making a point, but it went right over his head and once again, bad me. bad me.
******
We did talk a little more. He's doing some kind of deep therapy at the VA and it's bringing up a lot of stuff from a specific trauma he went through in Iraq. Last night I told him he was mean and he said he knew he was. I told him he enjoys being mean and he said he didnt' and then he gave me a notebook that he has where he wrote about the trauma.
First off, I am all in favor of switching therapists there. I'm not quite sure WHY they would have him do this deep shit and then drive home an hour. I think if he does this kind of stuff he needs to be there to process it all. I'm hoping he really does switch doctors and this isn't just talk.
Second of all, I'm sorry he went through that. Believe me, just reading his journal entry made me feel like throwing up. I can't imagine what it was like to have to be there.
However: We aren't the enemies. I didn't do anything to him and I can't stand how he delights in being mean and cynical. He honestly enjoys it. He says he doesn't but I've seen the smile when he's being mean. He enjoys hurting others. That is what disgusts me.
***
So yeah, life not so peachy right now. I think we're just going to try and co-habitate together for the kids. Maybe things will get better, but I can't wait around to see if they do. I need to focus on what I can do, to help myself and my kids. In the meantime, I'll try and stay out of Hurricane Hubs way!
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Done.
It's amazing to me how quickly things can turn ugly and how effortlessly he can point the blame at me.
Earlier I blogged about new siding and the new roof and windows. Hubs and I decided TOGETHER that this needed to be done and we discussed PRIOR to signing a contract how we would pay for it. Today the window dudes came and installed three new windows and a new sliding glass door. I was at work for most of it, but came home as they were finishing up. Hubs was laying in the bedroom uninvolved in the process. I heard the foreman come and so I went and told Hubs to come out and he said he had already talked to him. Okie dokie.
Well, I went out to say bye and the foreman told me that the guys hadn't rehung our blinds because they had been installed incorrectly before. I wasn't suprised, the people who owned the home before us must have been on something when they did some of the stuff to this house. He left and Hubs wandered out. I told him about the blinds and he started swearing and telling me it was my fault because I didn't tell them to hang them up. Never mind the fact that I told him to come out and he didn't. It's amazing how I turn into the verbal whipping boy.
Hubs got pissy and quit talking. I went to my Bible Study (my one sliver of peace in my evening) and came home around 9pm. I walked in and saw that nothing had been put away and so I cleaned up the kitchen and went to take a bath. Right before I'm getting in the tub he comes to the doorway and asks "what's your problem".
I hate that. What's my problem? Whats YOUR problem? A few minutes ago he came in and told me i was being bitchy. I got that he is now stressed about paying for all this. He then got mad because I"m not stressed. I just don't get it. We talked about it, he assured me all was good, all will be good, all is good. I didn't have much to say. I knew whatever I would say he'd twist it around in his head so I didn't even bother.
Then he told me not to talk to him tomorrow. So, as he was walking out of the bedroom I told him happy birthday because tomorrow is his birthday. He must have thought i was being smart because he told me Fuck you.
If I'm honest with myself.....the love is gone. I know it, he knows it. It sucks so badly to be in a marriage where you feel degraded all the time. Why don't I leave? Scared I guess. 98% of the time our marriage is miserable. Maybe I hold out for that 2%. I don't know. I guess I'm also scared about how I would provide for my kids as a single mom. I'd figure it out, but we wouldn't be able to keep the house, and I'd be financially ruined. My daughter does not adjust to change well at all, so moving her again would be devestating for her. She needs consistency.
So what do I do? I guess.....I need to just focus on me and the kids. I can't change him. I can't make him happy, he can't make me happy so I'll focus on making myself happy and finding peace within myself.
I'm going to go cry now.
Transformations!
There's a lot of work going on here around the ole homestead.
We bought our house a little over a year ago. The outside was painted Cedar planks painted a yucky shade of grey. To top it off, there were vertical planks going up at some points a la 1980's. I tolerated that, but what really drove me insane was the fact that none of the windows in our great room opened....a fact we didn't realize until after we bought it. They were original windows and they were large, but painted shut and no screens or anything in them. It was a real pity because on the other wall, was a sliding glass door that unfortunately did not open easily. At. All. The few times we've opened it, my husband has had to really use a lot of force to get it open and then it takes a lot of effort and sweat to get it closed again. That one also did not have screens.
Well, we decided enough was enough! We have been in transformation mode around here. First, the nasty grey cedar siding was ripped off and we now have a beautiful red aluminum siding that looks like wood but isn't. It makes our house pop and we've already had lots of compliments from neighbors who have walked by and seen the work in progress. Today the window guys showed up early and are installing new windows and a sliding glass door in our great room right now, as I type.
YAHOO!!!
Seriously, I am so excited to be able to open the window and slide open the door and get a nice cross-breeze. That room always got so hot in the summers and cold in the winter. The last straw for me was when our neighbors came over for a BBQ over the summer and she came in with her infant son who is only a few weeks younger than mine and she had to leave because it was so hot in there. It was embarrassing and it wasn't even that warm outside.....it was just the nature of the room.
Besides the house work going on, I'm also trying to do some work on myself. I did end up signing up for a small group at church and our first time meeting is tonight. I know the group leader and I'm hoping to make some new friends and get to know God a little better. I'm not a "holier-than-thou" type person but I think spirituality is important to help you get through in life. I don't know where I'd be without the Big Man upstairs.
So, lots of action going on! I need to end this post though, because I'm off to work in a few minutes. Thankfully, I like my job. The hardest part is actually leaving because I want to stay and cuddle with my baby, but once I'm there it goes fast. Watch, now that I said that today will probably drag and be horrible! Haha, hope not!
We bought our house a little over a year ago. The outside was painted Cedar planks painted a yucky shade of grey. To top it off, there were vertical planks going up at some points a la 1980's. I tolerated that, but what really drove me insane was the fact that none of the windows in our great room opened....a fact we didn't realize until after we bought it. They were original windows and they were large, but painted shut and no screens or anything in them. It was a real pity because on the other wall, was a sliding glass door that unfortunately did not open easily. At. All. The few times we've opened it, my husband has had to really use a lot of force to get it open and then it takes a lot of effort and sweat to get it closed again. That one also did not have screens.
Well, we decided enough was enough! We have been in transformation mode around here. First, the nasty grey cedar siding was ripped off and we now have a beautiful red aluminum siding that looks like wood but isn't. It makes our house pop and we've already had lots of compliments from neighbors who have walked by and seen the work in progress. Today the window guys showed up early and are installing new windows and a sliding glass door in our great room right now, as I type.
YAHOO!!!
Seriously, I am so excited to be able to open the window and slide open the door and get a nice cross-breeze. That room always got so hot in the summers and cold in the winter. The last straw for me was when our neighbors came over for a BBQ over the summer and she came in with her infant son who is only a few weeks younger than mine and she had to leave because it was so hot in there. It was embarrassing and it wasn't even that warm outside.....it was just the nature of the room.
Besides the house work going on, I'm also trying to do some work on myself. I did end up signing up for a small group at church and our first time meeting is tonight. I know the group leader and I'm hoping to make some new friends and get to know God a little better. I'm not a "holier-than-thou" type person but I think spirituality is important to help you get through in life. I don't know where I'd be without the Big Man upstairs.
So, lots of action going on! I need to end this post though, because I'm off to work in a few minutes. Thankfully, I like my job. The hardest part is actually leaving because I want to stay and cuddle with my baby, but once I'm there it goes fast. Watch, now that I said that today will probably drag and be horrible! Haha, hope not!
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Small Groups
My family and I have somewhat of a September-May relationship with church. As in, we start going in September when Sunday School starts and ends in May when Sunday school is over. We don't go much, if at all, in the summer months. Well, today was Rally Sunday and the start of Sunday School again and so I was in church again today.
I had several "ah-ha" moments. First, a friend of mine spoke about Small Groups starting up. She explained how she had gone through a lot of things in her life without small groups, but two years ago she joined one and shortly after her infant son passed away. She knew the Holy Spirit was there, gently guiding her to that Small Group because it was those women that she turned to first in her time of need. Had she not gone, she never would have met them, and wouldn't have had the support of them during that most difficult time.
Then, the sermon talked about opening yourself up to God. At the very end, the pastor talked about not missing the gifts God shows us every day. Then, "if most of your interactions are online or on Facebook instead of in person you're missing something". That hit home. Most of my interactions ARE on Facebook. I don't have many friends at all. My husband's PTSD issues have sucked a lot out of me and for years I've been cocooned up, just trying to focus on my family and keep us going. As a result, many friendships have suffered and died. I really, REALLY want and need friends. I need girlfriends to call up and talk to. I looked in my phone the other day at my contacts. It was sad.....I have like 2 friends in there, the rest are family and I don't remember the last time I phoned those friends.
I need to make myself more available and be a friend to get a friend. I need to open myself up to the gifts out there and look at things in a more positive light. I'm not kidding myself.....My husband still has major issues, my marriage is still sucky, and my life is chaotic and not so happy. However, I can choose to look at things in a different light. I can choose to make myself more available to friends, to give more to the world.
For starters, I'm going to join a Small Group at church. I'll figure out child care, but I'm committing. Also, I'm going to get out of my comfort zone and reach out to others. I'm not the only one who has worries and stress and troubles. I need to remember that, and see how I can help others. I think by doing so, others will help me.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
School, stress, and bank accounts
Yeseterday was the first day of school for kids here in Wisconsin. Some people out of state are amazed that our kids start so late. I personally like the late start. Summer officially ends with Labor Day so it's nice to go back after that last hurrah to summer. I will admit, however, that come the end of May, beginning of June when i start reading Facebook statuses about last days of school and my kids still have 3 weeks to go: Then I get a little jealous and woe the late start. However, in reality, I live in the upper midwest and it doesn't even get really hot until July so why not stay in school and start later in the fall.
Anyway, yesterday was the first day of first grade for my Munchkin and the first day of a new job for me. I was a little stressed getting her up, lunch in the backpack and out the door. I go to work around lunchtime so it would have been nice to clean up the house a bit, or have a few minutes of peace and quiet with my cup o' joe. However, as soon as the bus pulled away I had another stressor to deal with. I had to go to the bank.
My mother in law had been Hubby's Representative Payee for his social security. One day she called me up and said she didn't want to do it anymore. No big deal. We went to Social Security and switched it over to me. All I had left to do was go to the bank and open the checking account for him. My mother in law told Hubs all she needed was the Social Security check. Not so, Not so.
I went to the bank and first of all, the twat lady didn't know what the hell I was talking about.
"It's like a custodial account, for my husband"
"We only do custodial accounts til age 18"
"I just need an account he isn't on"
"So a joint account"
This is when I started mentally hitting my head on the wall. THe lady was clueless. Then she told me she needed court papers documenting this. What? I left and phoned the Hubs to tell him the bad news. Wow. He did not take it well. He yelled. A lot. When I got home he was surprised I was quiet and upset. I explained that it wasn't my fault and I'm tired of being his verbal punching bag.
Long story short, I had a good cry on his shoulder and went back that afternoon with the paperwork I needed from Social Security. A sarcastic thanks a lot to my MIL for not telling me everything I needed. The lady still didn't have a clue and I'm a little doubtful that my checks will come out the right way, but we'll see. Something tells me I should start shopping around for a better bank.
The rest of the day was good, thank goodness. Munchkin enjoyed her first day of 1st Grade. I saw her in the hall, talking a way in line. She didn't see me though. I enjoyed my first day. I spend the first two hours with kindergarten working with some students with pretty severe needs. Holy cow, they tired me out both mentally and physically. The last two hours I go to the upper elementary grades to help another student 1:1. That was nice. I bet there will be some days with that student but yesterday was easy peasy.
Monday, September 3, 2012
iPad goes splat
Well.....we don't have an iPad anymore. My daughter was obsessed with it, spending all her time on it playing silly, stupid apps. Hubs and I monitored her usage and we would put it up high but the little stinker would climb up and get it down. In my defense, originally she was only to play educational games on it.
Well, over the past 2 days she went on an app marathon totaling up.....get ready..........over $1000 in charges for apps such as "gems", "pet world" and "garden". Yes....over a grand on these things. We're not even sure how the hell she did that. Hubs caught it at first and took the code off the credit card and contacted Apple who agreed to take off $450 of the original $500 purchases she made. We had a long talk with her and thought all was good. Nope. She got ahold of it again and purchased $600 in apps. The apps she purchased, many were $50 apps so it escalated quickly. I don't know how she did it because the security code was off the credit card. Between you and me, I don't know why he didn't take the ENTIRE credit card info off....but it's sometimes hard to rationalize his thinking. So, Hubs cannot call Apple back and say "oopsie, please refund these charges too!" So, our darling daughter is in the dog house and we are stuck paying all that money. When Hubs found out about the second time, he went bezerk and ended up smashing the iPad to smithereens on the floor. Yeah.....mature, right? Once again, he said he "saw red" and his thinking was that if he destroyed the iPad then there would be no way she could do it again. Ahhhh, PTSD strikes again. Act first, think later......
Soooo, now we are without an iPad. The only real bummer (besides the fact that iPads are expensive and that was a dumb thing to do) is that I used the Kindle app a lot on there and ALL my books were on that thing. I don't want another iPad, our daughter is obviously addicted to technology and even without the credit card info on there at all, I'm over it.....the only time she is using a computer now is at school or when she's older to write reports! However, I do miss reading my books on the Kindle app. My birthday is in a few months, Hubs talked last night about getting me a new Kindle or a Nook from Barnes and Noble. That might be nice. Does anyone have either of those? Which do you prefer?
As for our daughter, she is learning the lesson of a dollar. No NOTHING for a long, long time. Yikes!
Well, over the past 2 days she went on an app marathon totaling up.....get ready..........over $1000 in charges for apps such as "gems", "pet world" and "garden". Yes....over a grand on these things. We're not even sure how the hell she did that. Hubs caught it at first and took the code off the credit card and contacted Apple who agreed to take off $450 of the original $500 purchases she made. We had a long talk with her and thought all was good. Nope. She got ahold of it again and purchased $600 in apps. The apps she purchased, many were $50 apps so it escalated quickly. I don't know how she did it because the security code was off the credit card. Between you and me, I don't know why he didn't take the ENTIRE credit card info off....but it's sometimes hard to rationalize his thinking. So, Hubs cannot call Apple back and say "oopsie, please refund these charges too!" So, our darling daughter is in the dog house and we are stuck paying all that money. When Hubs found out about the second time, he went bezerk and ended up smashing the iPad to smithereens on the floor. Yeah.....mature, right? Once again, he said he "saw red" and his thinking was that if he destroyed the iPad then there would be no way she could do it again. Ahhhh, PTSD strikes again. Act first, think later......
Soooo, now we are without an iPad. The only real bummer (besides the fact that iPads are expensive and that was a dumb thing to do) is that I used the Kindle app a lot on there and ALL my books were on that thing. I don't want another iPad, our daughter is obviously addicted to technology and even without the credit card info on there at all, I'm over it.....the only time she is using a computer now is at school or when she's older to write reports! However, I do miss reading my books on the Kindle app. My birthday is in a few months, Hubs talked last night about getting me a new Kindle or a Nook from Barnes and Noble. That might be nice. Does anyone have either of those? Which do you prefer?
As for our daughter, she is learning the lesson of a dollar. No NOTHING for a long, long time. Yikes!
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Getting ready for the students
I started back to work this week. I'm not going to lie....I didn't want to go. I've been on an extended maternity leave, in essence, and when it came time to leave I didn't want to go.
I'm not exactly sure how it's going to work out. It's really different being a para and not the teacher. I keep gravitating towards the sped teachers and there have been times that they start talking teacher talk and I'm listening in and nodding my head....and then I realize what I'm doing and realize I have no say in it and it's not really my business. That's a little weird to me and will take some getting used to.
Things have been a little chaotic at work. I don't feel like people have had their shit together. The only info I got was a short, one paragraph letter stating the hours I was to work this week and then my regular hours starting next week when the kids come. No info on where to go, how to get ID's, computer access, procedures, etc etc. I just feel out of the loop and I hate it. I'm very schedule oriented and I need to know what to do, when to do it, and what to expect. These people seem a little too easy breezy whatever attitude.
Tomorrow is my last day before the students come on Tuesday. I still have to get computer access and a key to the room where I'm to store my stuff. Not holding my breathe that that will happen before Tuesday.
Fingers crossed all will go well.
I'm not exactly sure how it's going to work out. It's really different being a para and not the teacher. I keep gravitating towards the sped teachers and there have been times that they start talking teacher talk and I'm listening in and nodding my head....and then I realize what I'm doing and realize I have no say in it and it's not really my business. That's a little weird to me and will take some getting used to.
Things have been a little chaotic at work. I don't feel like people have had their shit together. The only info I got was a short, one paragraph letter stating the hours I was to work this week and then my regular hours starting next week when the kids come. No info on where to go, how to get ID's, computer access, procedures, etc etc. I just feel out of the loop and I hate it. I'm very schedule oriented and I need to know what to do, when to do it, and what to expect. These people seem a little too easy breezy whatever attitude.
Tomorrow is my last day before the students come on Tuesday. I still have to get computer access and a key to the room where I'm to store my stuff. Not holding my breathe that that will happen before Tuesday.
Fingers crossed all will go well.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Someone's missing their funny bone
PTSD is such a nasty thing. It is anxiety. All the time. When you're anxious you don't find humor in things. You instantly turn to worst case scenarios and make mountains out of mole hills, sometimes out of ant hills! It has caused so much heartache and tears and bouts of anger in my household and it's taken away the humor in my husband.
Case in point:
Tonight I let my 8 month old bulldog out back to do her business. The hubby was gone so I left her out there while I got the kids ready for bed. Afterwards, I opened up the sliding glass door, opened the screen door and stepped out into the night, shutting the screen door behind me. Well, I unhooked her collar from the lead and she took off like a bullet out of a gun.
Straight through the screen door.
I couldn't believe it. The dumb-ass dog must have not seen the screen. I couldn't believe she went through it like that, like there was nothing there. I was annoyed, already thinking ahead to when I was going to find time to fix it, but after a minute or two I smiled. It was kind of funny!
I called up the Hubs to let him know. He found it less than humorous. In fact, he was downright pissed off about it. He started swearing into the phone about how he hated the dog, how she was no good, yadda yadda, etc etc. I ended up hanging up on him because he was so grouchy and I think he was enjoying hearing himself yell, to be honest.
He was still a ways off in the car so he didn't make it home for another 40 minutes or so. He walked in, yelled at the dog, grouched at everyone, and sat down on the couch, bitching about random crap. Then when I told him it was kind of funny, that the dog did that, he said, "yeah, it's funny to you. You don't have to pay for it". I don't really get that....it's his old stand by veiled insult to me. Because I've stayed home to raise our kids and take care of him, we have lived off of his income alone. Somehow, when he says that, I think I'm supposed to be offended. I used to be, but now I mentally roll my eyes and tell him to take a pill.
Anyway, I wish he found humor in the small stuff. Life would be a little easier if he would. Come on, a big fat bulldog puppy just burst through a screen door like a knife through butter. Yes, it's going to be a pain to fix but only because we'll have to take the time to either take the screen in, or fix it ourselves.
In the grand scheme of things, it isn't a big deal and it was funny!
At least, I thought so...
Case in point:
Tonight I let my 8 month old bulldog out back to do her business. The hubby was gone so I left her out there while I got the kids ready for bed. Afterwards, I opened up the sliding glass door, opened the screen door and stepped out into the night, shutting the screen door behind me. Well, I unhooked her collar from the lead and she took off like a bullet out of a gun.
Straight through the screen door.
I couldn't believe it. The dumb-ass dog must have not seen the screen. I couldn't believe she went through it like that, like there was nothing there. I was annoyed, already thinking ahead to when I was going to find time to fix it, but after a minute or two I smiled. It was kind of funny!
I called up the Hubs to let him know. He found it less than humorous. In fact, he was downright pissed off about it. He started swearing into the phone about how he hated the dog, how she was no good, yadda yadda, etc etc. I ended up hanging up on him because he was so grouchy and I think he was enjoying hearing himself yell, to be honest.
He was still a ways off in the car so he didn't make it home for another 40 minutes or so. He walked in, yelled at the dog, grouched at everyone, and sat down on the couch, bitching about random crap. Then when I told him it was kind of funny, that the dog did that, he said, "yeah, it's funny to you. You don't have to pay for it". I don't really get that....it's his old stand by veiled insult to me. Because I've stayed home to raise our kids and take care of him, we have lived off of his income alone. Somehow, when he says that, I think I'm supposed to be offended. I used to be, but now I mentally roll my eyes and tell him to take a pill.
Anyway, I wish he found humor in the small stuff. Life would be a little easier if he would. Come on, a big fat bulldog puppy just burst through a screen door like a knife through butter. Yes, it's going to be a pain to fix but only because we'll have to take the time to either take the screen in, or fix it ourselves.
In the grand scheme of things, it isn't a big deal and it was funny!
At least, I thought so...
Sunday, August 19, 2012
The Dirty Girl Run
Today I was a Dirty Girl.
Last May I heard about the Dirty Girl Mud Run. It's a 5K non-timed run that involves obstacles, fun and lots and LOTS of mud. I had just started my whole "I'm-going-to-be-healthier" kick, I signed up hoping and thinking that by the time August rolled around, I'd be svelte and in tip-top shape. Well, I'm definitely not svelte and while I'm in better shape than I was, I'm still not what I would call, athletic. However, I was really excited for today to get here.
The Dirty Girl Mud Run benefits the National Breast Cancer Foundation. A small portion of each registration fee goes to that Foundation. It's also a fun obstacle course where women can dress up in costumes, there's music, food afterwards, and lots of fun. I found out about it through the mom's group at my church. They wanted to put together a team and I was all in. However, I ended up texting a friend about it, because I knew that she did a lot of marathons and 5K's. She was all in, and asked me to be on her team with some of her coworkers. Sooooo, I ended up going with them and not my fellow moms. MISTAKE.
This morning I saw on Facebook that this friend had posted that she wasn't going to do the run because she had the "beginnings of a summer cold". Are you freaking for real? It annoyed me further because she evidently let the other girls on the team know, but not me or my sister (who is also her friend and on the team). Oh well, wasn't going to let it get to me. If she didn't want to participate, it's her loss not mine. At the end of the race, we showered and we couldn't find her afterwards. I texted her and she texted back that she was already on the freeway. Argh.....she left with the two other girls and worse, she had our freaking tickets for our FREE BEER in her pockets. Next year, I'm not messing with that....going back to my moms group!
The great thing is that this run was for all ability levels so it was untimed and I didn't feel bad walking. The rest of my so-called team took off and I saw them occasionally way ahead of me. Other than that, my sister would run to the next obstacle, go through it, and then wait for me. I appreciated that. Another reason I'm ditching teams next year. Who leaves your teammate behind?
I liked most of the obstacles. There was a few that sucked. One in particular was a large wall you had to scale. I admit, I went around....the back and all. There were quite a few areas where you had to army crawl through mud under ropes. My sis and I had fun with those! At one point we were slapping mud on each other's ass and laughing so hard as we got up from it. Another I really liked had like 5 tubes you had to crawl through, again in the mud.
The second to last obstacle sucked. It was a really long army crawl underneath a really low net. The problem was that there were rocks and pebbles underneath the mud. Crawling on your knees hurt like a bitch. Army crawling more on your belly was fine, but took forever. That was by far the most painful.
I would definitely do it again. I'd switch teams to one that was more focused on team-comradory and I'd want to make sure I am in a little better shape. Other than that, I loved it. I recommend doing it. I think of all the crap I've been through with the PTSD in my husband, the marital issues, the kid issues, financial stress.....and to be able to leave all that behind, even if only for an afternoon, and run and do this stuff for me.....to say I did it.....that was an awesome feeling.
I did it!!!
Sunday, August 12, 2012
the picnic in the park
Today was a good day.
Hubs got up before 10. He actually went outside and emptied our pool, hosed it out, and then went around and sprayed the hornets nests that have been accumulating around her house. He told me he wanted to do something as a family today. I was surprised but I went with it.
He wanted to go grocery shopping (on a Saturday? with both kids???), and our daughter wanted to buy a pet snake. Yuck, yuck, YUCKY! We did go to the petstore to look at them. She held a little snake and I was shocked that my little girly-girl liked snakes. I couldn't get past the whole live mice as food thing. We left without anything, thank goodness.
We were about to go home and I said it would be nice to go to the park. Hubs hates the park. However, he said he'd take us. On the way, he actually had a nice suggestion. How about we drive through the sub shop drive-thru and get some subs and drinks and have a picnic at the park? I was flabbergasted. I couldn't believe that those words came out of his mouth. I went with it though!
Something so simple: Eating subs at the park on a picnic bench and then pushing my baby boy on the swing and helping my little girl with the monkey bars. Hubs did spend a little time isolating on the bench messing with his phone, but he took a turn pushing the boy and then he also got on the merry go round and had our daughter push him around.
Sometimes I'm just so grateful for life's little pleasures!
Hubs got up before 10. He actually went outside and emptied our pool, hosed it out, and then went around and sprayed the hornets nests that have been accumulating around her house. He told me he wanted to do something as a family today. I was surprised but I went with it.
He wanted to go grocery shopping (on a Saturday? with both kids???), and our daughter wanted to buy a pet snake. Yuck, yuck, YUCKY! We did go to the petstore to look at them. She held a little snake and I was shocked that my little girly-girl liked snakes. I couldn't get past the whole live mice as food thing. We left without anything, thank goodness.
We were about to go home and I said it would be nice to go to the park. Hubs hates the park. However, he said he'd take us. On the way, he actually had a nice suggestion. How about we drive through the sub shop drive-thru and get some subs and drinks and have a picnic at the park? I was flabbergasted. I couldn't believe that those words came out of his mouth. I went with it though!
Something so simple: Eating subs at the park on a picnic bench and then pushing my baby boy on the swing and helping my little girl with the monkey bars. Hubs did spend a little time isolating on the bench messing with his phone, but he took a turn pushing the boy and then he also got on the merry go round and had our daughter push him around.
Sometimes I'm just so grateful for life's little pleasures!
Friday, August 10, 2012
Gallbladder
I think I may have gallstones.
I have not really given one thought to my gallbladder. It worked, chugging along like it should and so, it did what it did without any thank you from me. Then, it crapped out on me.
Wednesday the Hubs was gone at the VA all day and I was home with my two babies. My sweet tooth was acting up so I took the kids through Sonic's drive through and we ordered a large butterfingers blast and a large tater tot....each. It was a special treat and I was starving. Well, shortly after finishing that meal (and I DID finish it all), I laid down on my bed on my stomach ready to browse around online for a few minutes.
All of a sudden, and I do mean all of a sudden, I got a pain in my chest and then it wrapped around to my back. Right between the shoulder blades. It was awful. I tried switching positions to alleviate the back pain but at the same time, I felt like my heart was going to explode right out of my chest. I thought for a second that I may be having a heart attack. I managed to get down on all fours on the floor to try any position I could think of to help the pain. At one point, I remember thinking that the paramedics were going to come in and find me dead in my disaster of a bedroom and dang, I should have put those clean clothes away.
I breathed through the pain trying to figure out what I was going to do. My neighbor was gone, my husband was gone and he wouldn't have his phone on in group. I didn't know who would watch my kids if I went to the hospital. Finally I decided to tough it out and see if it started to feel better. At one point I told myself only 2 more minutes and then I'm going to have to call 911.
Well, the pain finally started to subside. I was sore the rest of the day. Then, Thursday night I had two more attacks after eating some pizza. Stupid, I wasn't even thinking of the dairy.
I ended up having a CT today of my heart to make sure everything is hunky-dory there, and the prelim reports are that it is okay. The nurse told me the preliminary report on my ultrasound I had today stated I have some gallstones in my gallbladder. The full report will be available Monday. So, I guess that means I'm going to have to hurry up and get my gallbladder removed because this chick is not dealing with this pain! It was HORRIBLE. It ranks right up there with childbirth and the kidney stone I had a few years ago.
This weekend I'm playing it safe and not eating any dairy if I can help it. I read dairy makes it worse. So does fatty food, red meat, and foods high in cholesterol. Seriously, this had made me realize that my diet is crap. I'm sitting here wondering what the heck I'm going to be eating!
I have not really given one thought to my gallbladder. It worked, chugging along like it should and so, it did what it did without any thank you from me. Then, it crapped out on me.
Wednesday the Hubs was gone at the VA all day and I was home with my two babies. My sweet tooth was acting up so I took the kids through Sonic's drive through and we ordered a large butterfingers blast and a large tater tot....each. It was a special treat and I was starving. Well, shortly after finishing that meal (and I DID finish it all), I laid down on my bed on my stomach ready to browse around online for a few minutes.
All of a sudden, and I do mean all of a sudden, I got a pain in my chest and then it wrapped around to my back. Right between the shoulder blades. It was awful. I tried switching positions to alleviate the back pain but at the same time, I felt like my heart was going to explode right out of my chest. I thought for a second that I may be having a heart attack. I managed to get down on all fours on the floor to try any position I could think of to help the pain. At one point, I remember thinking that the paramedics were going to come in and find me dead in my disaster of a bedroom and dang, I should have put those clean clothes away.
I breathed through the pain trying to figure out what I was going to do. My neighbor was gone, my husband was gone and he wouldn't have his phone on in group. I didn't know who would watch my kids if I went to the hospital. Finally I decided to tough it out and see if it started to feel better. At one point I told myself only 2 more minutes and then I'm going to have to call 911.
Well, the pain finally started to subside. I was sore the rest of the day. Then, Thursday night I had two more attacks after eating some pizza. Stupid, I wasn't even thinking of the dairy.
I ended up having a CT today of my heart to make sure everything is hunky-dory there, and the prelim reports are that it is okay. The nurse told me the preliminary report on my ultrasound I had today stated I have some gallstones in my gallbladder. The full report will be available Monday. So, I guess that means I'm going to have to hurry up and get my gallbladder removed because this chick is not dealing with this pain! It was HORRIBLE. It ranks right up there with childbirth and the kidney stone I had a few years ago.
This weekend I'm playing it safe and not eating any dairy if I can help it. I read dairy makes it worse. So does fatty food, red meat, and foods high in cholesterol. Seriously, this had made me realize that my diet is crap. I'm sitting here wondering what the heck I'm going to be eating!
Thursday, August 9, 2012
rain
It's a rainy day today. I woke up this morning at 6:45 when my baby boy decided to let me know he was hungry by screaming in his crib. This kind of weather just makes me want to curl up with a good book. Problem is, I can't!
It's tiring be a stay at home mom. I got up this morning and took care of the kiddos, took out the trash for the garbage guys, fed the dog, the cat, and did some dishes.....all while my husband slept downstairs on the couch. It is annoying, I won't lie. I'd love to be able to sleep half the day away. I went down there at 10 and tried to get him up and going....didn't work. At 11am I went down and told him to get his ass up. He told me to leave him alone. I can't. If I did he would still be down there now.
I know he's depressed, I know it's PTSD and not laziness. It's still hard though. I worry constantly about something happening to me. If I died or was incapacitated, my kids would be screwed. I told Hubs that today, and he told me he'd be able to take care of the kids. Not sure how he would do that. I don't know if, because I'm here, he lets all the work slide to me because he knows I'll take care of it. Beats me, but it's scary. He's a great dad, don't get me wrong....but it worries me. Stuff like that.
Anyway, he's up now. And maybe on that note, I will go take a nap. haven't been feeling good lately and the baby is sleeping and my daughter is playing quietly in her room.
Off I go....to sleep in my bed, with the window open and the breeze coming in with the rain coming down gently.
It's tiring be a stay at home mom. I got up this morning and took care of the kiddos, took out the trash for the garbage guys, fed the dog, the cat, and did some dishes.....all while my husband slept downstairs on the couch. It is annoying, I won't lie. I'd love to be able to sleep half the day away. I went down there at 10 and tried to get him up and going....didn't work. At 11am I went down and told him to get his ass up. He told me to leave him alone. I can't. If I did he would still be down there now.
I know he's depressed, I know it's PTSD and not laziness. It's still hard though. I worry constantly about something happening to me. If I died or was incapacitated, my kids would be screwed. I told Hubs that today, and he told me he'd be able to take care of the kids. Not sure how he would do that. I don't know if, because I'm here, he lets all the work slide to me because he knows I'll take care of it. Beats me, but it's scary. He's a great dad, don't get me wrong....but it worries me. Stuff like that.
Anyway, he's up now. And maybe on that note, I will go take a nap. haven't been feeling good lately and the baby is sleeping and my daughter is playing quietly in her room.
Off I go....to sleep in my bed, with the window open and the breeze coming in with the rain coming down gently.
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