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Saturday, August 24, 2013

PTSD: A view into our home

      People sometimes ask me what it's like to be with someone who suffers from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  They tell me that they "couldn't do it".  Some people are quick to tell me I need to leave and never come back.  Others think that my husband's PTSD symptoms are blown out of proportion or that he just needs to "get over it".   Trust me, I wish he could just "get over it".  Truth is that he cannot.  PTSD is an injury.  If a soldier lost a limb or an eye in combat, people wouldn't say to just "get over it".  But somehow, with the invisible wounds people expect soldiers to just bounce back.

     PTSD is cyclical.  It moves in waves.  It's always present, but for us and our situation, there seems to be ups and downs.  Think of it like a roller coaster.  Sometimes the dips go pretty low and sometimes the tops of the hills last longer than the dips.  The whole goal with PTSD is to treat it so that eventually, the highs outlast the lows and the highs last longer and the lows are shorter.

     There are a lot of different symptoms of PTSD.  Instead of going into all of them, I'm going to talk about the ones that affect my husband and our household the most.  If you read this and you know someone who has PTSD, some of these may ring familiar with you:

1.  Anger and Bitterness

This one is pretty hard for me.  I can tell we are going to be hitting a wave of PTSD when my husband starts talking smack about everyone and anyone around him.  He will say he hates everyone, except me, the kids and our parents and siblings.

He will spout off horrible, mean things about people he doesn't even know and its hard to deal with.  His rants are pretty illogical and he usually has no basis for his anger.  Sometimes, it gets so bad I cannot stand to be around him because it's so depressing to hear someone talk about how the whole world sucks.

 That's probably the hardest symptom to deal with.  I don't want my kids to pick up on his bitterness.  I don't want my kids to be jaded like he is.

2.  Depression and Isolation

When my husband gets into a cycle, his depression always gets worse.  For him, he isolates A LOT!  Hubs will go down to the basement and lay on the futon in the dark and ignore me and the kids.  Sometimes he will just lay in bed all day and refuse to get up.  On the days I can get him out of bed, he migrates to the couch where he will lay there and watch TV without interacting with the rest of our family.  It's pretty hard to deal with, to be honest.  When he gets like this, I just try and give him space.  I've found that pressing him to get up and get active usually backfires on me.  I'll give him a day or so to be moody and sad and then I'll try and get him up and out to do an activity with the kids.

3.  No Patience

Hubs will get really frustrated with me and the kids.  He'll get easily annoyed and he will yell at the kids or start swearing.  When he gets like this, I usually take the kids out of the situation.  I try and go out for the day to visit my mom and dad or take the kids to the zoo or something......just to give him time to calm down and cool off.

4.  Poor Hygiene

This one is disgusting.  When he gets into the PTSD zone, oftentimes Hubby will wear the same clothes for days, and he will refuse to shower.  Since he is unemployable and stays home most days, it really only affects me and the kids.  I'll try and urge him to shower and shave.  He's gotten better about it, but there can be times where he wont shower for 3 days or so.  YUCK!

5.  Obsessing/OCD

Hubs will do this.  For example, he has an OCD thing with vacuuming.  He will vacuum the same spot int he carpet over and over.   On the other hand, he will also go on tirades about having a clean house, but he only cleans certain sections of it.

Hubs will get an idea in his head about something he wants to do, like a hobby and he will go balls to the wall about it and buy everything and anything he can about the subject.  However, pretty soon he gets tired of it and moves on to something else.  I can't tell you how much money we've spent dealing with his hobbies.

Lastly, Hubs obsesses about money.  He will redo the budget over and over, and if we get just a little low on money he will spiral down into "woe is me" and he will start to talk about how we're going to lose the house, and all our possessions, when in actuality, we are nowhere near that point.


       So there ya go.  There are more symptoms, but these are the ones I can think of off the top of my head.  As I said, the anger is the worst.  He will spout such vile, nasty comments about people and he will talk about how everyone is crap.  It's hard to hear.  I try to be positive about life.....It's hard to do, being around someone who is a downer 90% of the time.  If I allow myself to be pulled into his depression, it will be the end of me.  I can't live like that.  It's hard to be with someone who is constantly worrying and stressed and who can be such a complete ass to people for no reason.

However, I keep doing what I do.  The one thing to remember with PTSD, is that it IS a cycle.  There are both highs and lows and really, you have to learn to weather the bad times and hope and pray that the good times are straight ahead.

Good Luck!








Friday, August 23, 2013

Duck Dynasty lessons

I've calmed down a little since earlier.

He's still being an asshole, but I'm trying not to let it get to me.  I know he's hurting really badly right now.  It's weird, he was just fine days ago and then the downward spiral started out of the blue and it came fast.

He came in about a half hour ago.  We hadn't really talked since the argument earlier.  He had stayed downstairs on the futon, covered up by a blanket in the dark and I was upstairs with the kids.  That was fine with me.  I didn't want to talk to him when he was like that.  Well, when he came in a few minutes ago, he was still crabby and he also was talking about how he doesn't trust anyone and he started asking me who i could count on for anything.   I answered "mom and dad".  Him too.....but I will admit that I can count on my parents more than my husband.  I know my parents will always drop whatever they are doing if I called and needed them.  They've been there for me.    Hubs is there for me too, but when he's in a deep PTSD mood, I will say that his own feelings are most important to him and I'm kind of left to fend for myself.

He talked a little, but soon left to go back downstairs.  Now, we've given up cable (groan) and we got an antennae and we've been utilizing Netflix.  It's an adjustment, but we're saving quite a bit.  Anyway, while he was talking I was on my laptop going to A&E's website to watch the full episode of Duck Dynasty.   I watched last week's episode which focused on Phil and Miss Kay's wedding anniversary.  I sat there watching it, and at the end of the episode Phil and Kay renewed their wedding vows.

If you are a fan of Duck Dynasty, I suggest you read Willie and Korie's book.  In it you find out that back in the day, Phil was a drinker and he was just plain mean.  He came around, obviously, but there were some hard time for Phil and Kay.   Watching the episode, I actually cried when Kay was saying her vows to Phil.   To paraphrase, she said she loved him when he was not so nice, and she loves him now, when he's really nice.

Here is the clip.  Watch out, you'll cry:



So after watching that I realized, once again, that no marriage is perfect.  We all have our struggles. Some more than others, for sure.  But.....We all have them.

I love my husband.  He's a good soul who is tormented.  It still doesn't make it right for him to be an ass, and I'm a strong enough person to let him know.  Still, I stop and think for a minute and realize we've come a long way.

I hope someday we will renew our vows and I can say that I loved him when he was not so nice, and now he's really nice!

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Asshole

Why can't he be happy?   We've had a good run over the last few months.  I almost forgot how awful he can make me feel and how quickly he can make me cry.

He's definitely starting up one of his long cycles.  It seems an ugly twist of fate that he always gets this way in the fall.  Autumn is my absolute, hand's down, favorite time of year.  I love the pumpkins, the weather, football, corn mazes, haunted houses, candy apples....everything!   It's especially cruel then that during my favorite time of the year is when his PTSD is the absolute worst.  We miss out on so many family memories because he doesn't want to go, or doesn't feel good.   In the past I've stayed home not wanting to make memories without him.  I cling tight to the American family ideal.

It's crap.

I've got to just go out and do it myself.  He isn't going to be much use of anything for awhile.  All the freaking drugs he's on and none of them work to pep him up.   Nope.   The only drug that works at all for him is weed.  Seriously?   I'm like the biggest opponent to legalizing marijuana but unfortunately it's the only thing that makes my husband likeable.  And....he's out.   He doesn't have any and he doesn't have ready access to any.   So really, for the next unseen many weeks, he's just going to be a total ass.  It's totally unacceptable to me.  Having PTSD doesn't give you an excuse to be an asshole.   I get that he is stressed and worked up, but that doesn't give you the right to yell at me or the kids.

Earlier today I told him I was going to my mom's.  I was heading downstairs to get my laundry together when I stopped myself.  I'm always the one leaving.  Many years ago, we got into a huge fight and I kicked him out of the house.  He ended up going to his mother's and we remained separated for a year. Now, whenever we have a big enough argument that one of us should leave, it's always me.   He says it's because his mom told him never to leave the house again.

Thanks a fucking lot, mother in law.    How bout you think of your grandkids who have to be hauled across town to my mother's house and ripped from their beds?   Did you ever think of that?  NO!

I go, because it's easier.  It's easier than trying to make him leave.  He's such an ass when he gets that way, that he won't go willingly.  Instead of making an even bigger ruckus in front of my babies, I've always just packed a bag and talked about the "fun times" we'll have at grandma's.

Tonight I just decided not to do that again.  He's not physical, he won't hurt me or the kids physically.  Emotionally......well, he's hurt me so much in the past that I'm starting to get a pretty thick skin.  As far as the kids go, he's not too bad with them.  He knows when he's getting pretty bad and he'll leave and go into the basement.  That's where he is now, in the basement.

So, for now, we are not talking and we'll just go about our business as separately as possible.    I don't think the kids will be too affected.  They are used to their dad disappearing downstairs to play video games or needing time alone.

Am I fucking up my kids?  When I stop and think about it, I'm appalled that this is "normal" for my kids.  My only hope is to get through school, safe up money and put us in a better place.  One way or the other


Monday, August 19, 2013

Another round of PTSD starts up

     I should have seen this coming.  Things had been going so well, however, between the Hubs and I, that I got lulled into a false sense of security.  Ever since March, when I was hospitalized for that darn gall bladder, things had been pretty good between him and I.  We have had minimal fights, and for the most part, I was finally starting to enjoy marital life.

    That's the funny thing about PTSD.  You never really know when it's going to hit.  Here we were, swimming along happily when BAM......PTSD strikes again.   It started a little less than a week ago:  I started noticing the shorter fuse for his temper, the more frequent outbursts of swearing, and the change in his physical appearance.  Hubby has a habit of wearing the same clothes for days.  He will sleep in them and wear them for at least two days in a row.  It's disgusting.  It's bad enough when he does that when it's winter out, but here in the dog days of summer......Gross.   

Along with the lack of changing clothes, I noticed his facial hair going to crap.  He tries hard to grow a beard and mustache.   Some people look great in a beard and a 'stache.   He does not.  The crappy thing is, that he KNOWS he looks bad in one.   It'd be different if it was the sexy 5'oclock shadow thing going on, or a few days of scruff.  Nope.  Instead, he grows it out so its scraggly and his mustache has that nasty part down the middle that some men get that looks creepy.  To compound the look, his beard grows in gray.  Not all the way around, either.  It has hairs growing in gray just on his chin.   

Like I said, he knows he looks like crap with a beard and mustache.  He's said it to me before.  I have come to determine that the facial hair starts growing when he is feeling depressed.  I try, in a nice way, to motivate him to shave.  I tell him how much younger he looks without it (he does!) and how it's not his best look and how often by having a better outwards appearance, you can make yourself feel better internally.  

Last night he said he was going to trim it up and I thought "Hallelujah!"   This afternoon we were outside and I commented about how I thought he was going to trim it up.  "I did" was the reply.  What????   His idea of trimming is to get some of the neck hair off.  That's it.  He still has wild long hairs growing in every which way, still has the creepy mustache line, and still has the gray hairs coming in.  I told him I didnt like it and he told me something along the lines of "when I start caring, I'll let you know".

That hurt.  I don't know why......He's told me before that he doesn't care what I think.  When he's like this, in the middle of a PTSD cycle, it's true.  I know that when he's feeling better, he does care.  But right now, he doesn't.  It hurt because I had been in a state of denial that another cycle of PTSD was upon us.  Life had been so nice for the last 4 months or so.  I forgot how much it can suck.  

I have to start putting on my thick skin again.  I've let myself go soft the last few months.  Being soft lets the hurt in......I have cried more in the last week than I have in months.  Stupid stuff really.  Comments that shouldn't cut me, do.  The rude, sarcastic comments are back and I have to get used to them again.....I have to remember that although his words and actions hurt, he doesn't really want to hurt me.    I have to remember that his crappy, mean attitude is just an outward reflection of his shit mood internally.

It doesn't help though.  It still hurts.  But, I have to buck up.......I can't spend my days crying or tip toeing around him.  I'm too busy for that.     Here's hoping that this latest flare up doesn't last long.

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Prayers for Corbin

If you are on Facebook, you may notice a lot of people who have children or loved ones who are seriously ill often put up community pages that allow people to check in and keep up with how the sick loved one is doing.

My sister in law followed a page like that.  I don't think she knew the family at all, but the facebook page is called Prayers for Corbin.   Corbin was born in April of this year and is a beautiful baby boy who happened to be born 7 weeks early AND was born with Trisomy 13.   If you aren't familiar with Trisomy 13, I encourage you to Google it.  Basically, it's a chromosome abnormality and most babies with it die within a year.   I had a colleague whose son was born with Trisomy 13 and he died within four hours of birth.  So, it was amazing that Corbin lived as long as he did.

I'm heartbroken to say that baby Corbin passed away this morning at a hospital in North Carolina.  I almost cried reading about it online, even though I've never met and most likely will never meet the family.  

But, this post isn't about heart ache.   You see, what amazed me most about reading Corbin's page was how strong his parents remained and how optimistic they were.  Even at the end, hours before he died, they remained hopeful but realistic.  In fact, today his mom posted and it was about how happy they were the last 24 hours.  Yes, they were obviously heartbroken that he was dying, but they were celebrating the amazing life he had.   He touched so many lives in his short 135 days and taught so many, many people about the power of love.   It's an amazing story, and I think the waves of peace and love that Corbin created will continue to ripple on, long after he's been off this planet.

I guess, in closing, my thought from this entire post is that you must remain positive about life.   I've had people tell me they can't believe how positive I remain about everything that I've been through in my life in terms of my health, my marriage, etc.   My answer is always, "someone else always has it worse than I do, and I'm thankful and grateful for what I have".     It's true.  Look at Corbin's parents.  Here they are, preparing for their only child to die, and she is choosing to celebrate, and not mourn.  I'm not saying they won't grieve.  How could they not.  I'm sure the tears would come.  I would be devastated by the loss of a child.  However, I am amazed by how strong they are and how they choose to honor Corbin's spirit.

Friday, August 16, 2013

Back to School

Well, I'm in.   10 years after graduating with my bachelor's degree, and many, MANY possible career changes later, I have finally.....FINALLY started my post baccalaureate degree.

I started this latest process only weeks ago.  I guess that's how I roll.   I mean, I got married pretty quick after meeting my man, I got preggo right after getting married....Once I make up my mind about something, things tend to go pretty quickly.  Anyway, I had decided to stick with special education.  I had applied, was about to be accepted, and had already met with the program advisor.  It would be hard work, but I could and would get done in two years, in time to keep my license I already had without it expiring in June 2014.

Then, just days later, I found THE program.  I was browsing around on the college's website and came across Higher Ed Admin.  Intrigued, I clicked on the link and that forever changed everything.   Higher Ed is a program for people who want to work in higher education administration, aka - colleges and/or universities.  As I read about the program, I realized that this degree was right up my alley.   I mean, come on!  I have had so many issues trying to figure out what I truly want to do in my life.  What better than to work in a college or university environment, advising students on what to do with THEIR lives???

In a spur of a moment, I contacted the accelerated admissions advisor and met with her days later.  I actually met with her a week to the day after I had met with the special ed advisor.   I switched my intended degree over  and waited to see if I got admitted.  I was!  Quickly, I registered for classes and this past Tuesday was my very first class!

I LOVED IT!!!   I knew, from that very first class, that I had finally found my program.  It's going to be hard work, but I know it's what I want to do.

I guess the moral of this story is that don't settle for a job that you don't like.   Do what you need to do to make ends meet, but never give up the dream of doing something bigger and better.  It may take awhile.....It's taken my 10 years to get my crap together and figure it all out, but I'm so glad it happened this way.  If i had gone with nursing, or teaching, or something else....I would have missed out on this opportunity.   Everything happens in due course, at least that's what I'm finding.

Now, off to study!  I have loads of reading to do before next week!


Wednesday, August 7, 2013

PTSD and school/jobs

My husband has not worked a job since his medical discharge from the Army in summer of 2008.   He receives social security benefits and compensation from the VA so we have income from him, as well as income from my job.   So lack of funds has not been the issue.  However, not having a job has really affected him in terms of esteem and his mood.

It's funny how society judges you on your profession.   You go to a class reunion and you talk about what you do.  Meeting someone new on a date, you talk about your job.  Your kids talk about what their dad or mom does to their friends.  Imagine not having anything to say.....Imagine your children having to tell their friends that daddy doesn't work at all.   Kids may not judge, but their parents sure do.    Thoughts enter their brains.   "Oh, a deadbeat dad."   "What a schmuck".   Negative thoughts before they even know what the situation is.

For a long time my husband would lie about his career plans.  When asked, he would tell his friends that he was in grad school.  I told him that that would only get him so far.  Eventually people would wonder why he was still in school 5 years later for a two year degree.  Why did he lie?  Because he was embarrassed.  A lot of his friends from college are successful professionals.   It's sad that he sacrificed so much for our country, and has done more than a lot of people will ever do in their lifetimes and he feels that that is not enough.  

He did try to go to school a few years ago.  He had gone to residential treatment for 6 weeks and felt like he had his shit together enough to go back to school and get some kind of degree.  He enrolled at a small, private,  christian university close by to our apartment we were living in at the time.  For the first quarter he seemed to be thriving.   He was motivated to do well and was pulling good grades in his classes.   However, the roller coaster that is PTSD eventually set in about October and he withdrew from the university in January.  In the end, going back to school proved to be too stressful for him.  His grades began to plummet, he started skipping classes, and he eventually lost all interest in going.

  I'll admit, I was pretty discouraged when he quit school.  He had such potential.  He still does.  After that semester, the PTSD seemed to rear it's ugly head even more than usual.  He plummeted into a deep depression.  He couldn't be a soldier anymore, something he was excellent at, and now he couldn't seem to go back to school either.

Part of it had to do with fear.   He was consumed for several years with the fear that if he went back to school and eventually got a job, that the VA would declare him miraculously cured from PTSD and he would lose all his benefits.  The fear came from being scared about taking care of his family.  The benefits he receives are how he supports his family.  The thought of that getting taken away from him really scared the crap out of him.  He has finally, FINALLY, through opening up and talking to his psychologist started to realize that he will never lose all of his benefits.  He goes to therapy several times a week, and even though he's getting better at handling his disability, he still has a disability!

My husband has recently started talking about going back for some classes.  He has taken up an interest in gardening and considered a degree in botany.  He talked to his psych about it today, and while his psych was encouraging, he was also careful.  His psych made the comment that he would hate for Hubs to go back to school and somehow it ruin his interest in his hobby.  It's frustrating.  Part of me is like, "what does he know?"   But, on the other hand, I could see that potentially happening.  His doc did suggest that Hubs take a few noncredit classes somewhere for fun.  It's a step!

  It's frustrating because society judges him.  People just don't understand, I guess.  For example, during my recent girls weekend we talked about our husbands and of course the question came up, "what does your husband do?"  I give my standard answer that he is a combat veteran who is retired.  Sometimes, given the people I'm talking to, the conversation goes further on and I explain that he's disabled.  Anyway, this weekend that happened and I got the whole, "he can't do anything?"  

Um, yes he can do something.  He can keep fighting the fight.  He can keep going to treatment and working on being the best father and husband he can be.  We both hope that someday he can go back to school and maybe someday start another career.  However, just because he can't right now, that doesn't make him any less of a man, of a provider.  

I wish people/society would get that concept.  Wounded warriors are wounded for a reason.  Try walking a mile in their shoes.  I guarantee that most of society wouldn't be able to do that.  It's no wonder that they come back different people, unable to go back to how they were before.  If a wounded warrior can't go back to school or a job, it doesn't make them any less of a person.




Tuesday, August 6, 2013

R&R - Girls Weekend!!!

I had an absolutely awesome weekend.  Back in February a friend of mine sent out one of those facebook- event thingies inviting a ton of her friends to a Girls Only Weekend at her boyfriend's cabin in northern Wisconsin.  I think I was one of the very first to respond with a big, fat YES.   Oh my gosh, I was so excited to be invited and I looked forward to the weekend away.

We left Friday after Amy got off of work.  The hours before being picked up seemed to drag by.  I was like a little kid again, impatient with anticipation and giddy with excitement to be on our way.  When she got to my house a little after five on Friday night, I quick kissed the kids, waved by to the Hubs and practically ran out the front door to the waiting car.

I was FREE!!!!   For close to 48 hours I had no responsibilities.  No diapers to change, no dishes to do, zero loads of laundry to run; pure freedom was in my grasp.   Don't get me wrong.  Of course I love my children and my husband, but this was my chance to relax and unwind and recharge my batteries.  I don't remember the last time I had a weekend all to myself, with no worries.  Even on weekends when Hubs had taken the kids to see his parents, I was still running around doing laundry and cleaning.   This was much needed and much deserved.

 My friend's boyfriend has a small cabin up north close to a lake.  We went boating on Saturday, renting a pontoon boat and spending all day on the water.  It was a little cool at first, but it turned out to be a beautiful day.   The water was pretty damn frigid, even being the first of August so we stayed on the boat and got some sun.   Some of us got more sun than others.   I come from Irish and German heritage and I tend to burn.   Saturday was no different.   I am now a lovely shade of tomato red and I can't wear a bra because it hurts too much.  

Oh well, totally worth it!

The weekend was such a needed mini vacation.   I think it's important to get away occasionally and spend time with friends.   That's needed in regular marriages, but especially for the spouses of wounded warriors.  It's so important to take care of yourself and by doing so, you can take better care of the veteran.  I will admit, I didn't really worry much about the Hubs and the kids this past weekend.  Yes, my husband has PTSD but he has come such a long way and besides, he is their father!!  He should be able to handle his own offspring.  That being said, I got asked at least twice by some of the girls who went with me how Hubs would do being by himself.  Happy to report, he did fine.

 The weekend was perfect and I feel refreshed.  I've noticed today that I have much more patience for my daughter.  I think being away has helped with my parenting too.  

I can't wait for next year.  We're already planning it!