We'll always have Paris

Things are tough around here.  The household has been under a lot of stress this fall with our daughter's         issues going on and with stress building up from PTSD.  I honestly don't know what the future holds these days.  The other night hubs and I had a fight.  It started out small, but don't most start out that way?  I was in the laundry room which is in a part of the basement that isn't finished.  Hubs opened the door and threw a huge handful of clothes at me.  I was already having a bad day, and that just irritated me.  I knew he had no intention of doing any of that laundry.  I told him so, and he smarted off and started throwing toys in the room too.

To make a long story short, I open handed slapped him across his chest when he picked up a tray of toys to chuck in there.  I lost it.  He has been going into rages lately and been throwing things.  For example,   he recently got mad and threw a wooden spoon across the kitchen breaking it in half.  When he picked up that tray I thought, "oh no you don't!".  I told him to stop but my words mean nothing and instead of walking away I slapped him.

I hate that I did that.  I don't want to be that person.  He hurts me with words so I hurt him with my hand.  I don't think so.  That's NOT RIGHT and it CANNOT happen again.

Who have I become?  What has become of our marriage?  I am so sad all the time, and I have no patience anymore.  I cannot remember the last time we kissed or hugged or the last time he said "I love you" without me saying it first.  When we first got together, we laughed a lot and had so much fun together.  I honestly cannot remember when we last laughed together.

It's coming up on Thanksgiving.  Almost a decade ago I became engaged in Paris on Thanksgiving Day.  That was the best time I can remember having with my husband.  I felt like the center of his universe.  We laughed together, seeing the sights of Paris and exploring together.....Without any inkling of the struggles that lay ahead of us.  I still remember riding the bus and seeing Napoleon's tomb with him and viewing Notre Dame.  We only had a weekend and the highlight was him proposing under the Eiffel Tower after dinner.  When we left Paris we said someday we'd be back.  Maybe for our 20 year anniversary.

Now, I am not even sure we will make it to our 20 year. Heck, I'm not sure I'll make it to my 10 year anniversary.  That makes me heartbroken.  When you get married you get married for life.   You promise for better or worse, sickness and health.  But what happens when that person you married seems to have become a completely different person.  I feel like I'm in mourning for what could have....what SHOULD have been.

I don't know what the future holds, but at least we'll always have Paris.  That is a memory I will treasure forever.

Miss the life

I was cruising Facebook this morning while feeding the baby and saw pictures a friend took of their recent PCS to California. There were some comments posted about how beautiful it was; one person commented on the openness of the area. She also posted a picture of her housing area.

Looking at them, I got a little nostalgic. I had met her back when our husbands were stationed in Colorado. We had been neighbors and we got along well. Only a year after living there, however, Hubs got medically separated and eventually medically retired. We packed up, moved back to the Midwest, and said adios to military life.

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if PTSD had never entered it. I'm sure Hubby would still be in the Army. He was brilliant at his job and well respected by his men. I don't know where we'd be living, but we'd have moved several times by now; raising Army brats and living the military life.

I miss it. I miss seeing new places, meeting new people. I miss being woke up by the bugle at sunrise (ok, maybe not that). I miss the life.

My husband always is talking about traveling or moving to different places. He makes fun that I'm happy in our small Midwestern town. What he doesn't realize is that I would love to travel. I'd love to have new adventures and meet new people and try new things. That's one of the best parts of the life we had....seeing the world. However, PTSD changed that. PTSD is so sporadic and unknown. I never know what the day will bring. Will he be happy, depressed? What will set him off? In the everyday life of instability, I need some stability. My kids need stability. He needs stability. And so, we live here in a fairly nice home with good neighbors in a safe town with family not too far away.

But secretly, I miss our past life so much.