Ignoring the nonsense

Sometimes it's really hard not to argue with your veteran.  When he belts out some stupid argument and acts like an ass, all you want to do is tell him to shut it.  Instead, you keep quiet, not wanting to start a yelling match.  You know that if you argue back or try and make valid points, he won't listen and will instead fire back with nasty remarks.    So instead, you sit and try and ignore the nonsense spewing from his mouth.

Sometimes this strategy works.  Other times, your silence is greeted with an increase in moronic comments from him.  He is trying to get you riled up.  For some reason, he wants to piss you off so much and the fact that you're calm makes him all the more agitated.

It takes all the resolve and willpower you can muster not to open your mouth and tell him EXACTLY how you think he is acting.  You want so badly to tell him that your 2 year old is behaving with more class and maturity than he is, but you don't.

Instead, you keep quiet.  In the end he storms out, cursing under his breath.  Cursing the fact that you didn't participate in the war of words.  Cursing the fact that deep down, he knows he is acting childish and immature.

You breathe a sigh of relief that he's out of the room.  And then you quietly mutter under your breathe the first word that comes to mind….

Asshole.

Kitty issues

I wish I could start today over.  Yuck.

I woke up this morning on my own.  Wondering what woke me up, I stretched out in my bed and then I realized what must have woke me up......When I was stretching, my foot hit a cold, west spot on my bed.   Some animal, one of the cats, peed on my bed.  This really ticked me off because last night my new kitten had some nasty diarrhea behind my curio cabinet.

After stripping the bed, and loading some of the bedding into my washer I took the kitten and her litter box and dumped her in the half bathroom.  I don't know what to do with her.  She hadn't had any accidents in the week we'd had her.  The only thing I can think of, is that yesterday morning before work, I moved her litter box downstairs to the basement with my other cat's litterbox.  I put them side by side in the laundry room.  I showed both cats where they were and left it at that.

This morning I realized, after the whole pee in the bed incident, that neither of my cats had gone since yesterday.  WTF???   So I don't know if they didn't like the basement laundry room, or if one of the cats was bullying the other out of the litter box.  I figured I will just separate the cats and see if any more accidents occur within the next few days.  THen maybe I'll try again and put the boxes downstairs in another part of the basement.  She keeps this up though, and she's out of here!   It's a bummer.  I just want a nice kitty to play with my other cat.  Why isn't ANYTHING easy?

After that whole debacle, I was happy to get out of the house.  I went with my neighbor to a local church for their cookie walk.  We are talking wall-to-wall cookies.  You walk in, they give you a box and a plastic glove and let you go and fill up your box.  It was 8.00 a pound and i ended up spending $14.00 in cookies.  I thought it was a lot, but they're not going to last long in this house!

Hubs has been blah today.  Last night he was feeling good and invited the neighbors over to play board games.  We ended up just watching our babies play together, but it was still fun!  THis morning, however, he is grumpy.   I mentioned a parade today and that our nighbors invited us to go and he got all cranky.   He wants to do his own thing on the weekends because he is so bored on the weekdays.   I get that, but the weekends are family time....least in my eyes.  We're all home, we can go do stuff together.    He'd rather go ride his motorcycle and do things he likes to do.

It's just frustrating.  I totally get out he is bored during the week.  He has no job, no hobbies, and he is afraid of losing his rating so he won't go volunteer somewhere or do anything.  PTSD is holding him hostage!

Done.

It's amazing to me how quickly things can turn ugly and how effortlessly he can point the blame at me.

Earlier I blogged about new siding and the new roof and windows.   Hubs and I decided TOGETHER that this needed to be done and we discussed PRIOR to signing a contract how we would pay for it.  Today the window dudes came and installed three new windows and a new sliding glass door.  I was at work for most of it, but came home as they were finishing up.  Hubs was laying in the bedroom uninvolved in the process.  I heard the foreman come and so I went and told Hubs to come out and he said he had already talked to him.   Okie dokie.

Well, I went out to say bye and the foreman told me that the guys hadn't rehung our blinds because they had been installed incorrectly before.  I wasn't suprised, the people who owned the home before us must have been on something when they did some of the stuff to this house.   He left and Hubs wandered out.  I told him about the blinds and he started swearing and telling me it was my fault because I didn't tell them to hang them up.  Never mind the fact that I told him to come out and he didn't.  It's amazing how I turn into the verbal whipping boy.

Hubs got pissy and quit talking.  I went to my Bible Study (my one sliver of peace in my evening) and came home around 9pm.  I walked in and saw that nothing had been put away and so I cleaned up the kitchen and went to take a bath.  Right before I'm getting in the tub he comes to the doorway and asks "what's your problem".

I hate that.  What's my problem?  Whats YOUR problem?  A few minutes ago he came in and told me i was being bitchy.  I got that he is now stressed about paying for all this.  He then got mad because I"m not stressed.  I just don't get it.  We talked about it, he assured me all was good, all will be good, all is good.  I didn't have much to say.  I knew whatever I would say he'd twist it around in his head so I didn't even bother.

Then he told me not to talk to him tomorrow.  So, as he was walking out of the bedroom I told him happy birthday because tomorrow is his birthday.  He must have thought i was being smart because he told me Fuck you.

If I'm honest with myself.....the love is gone.  I know it, he knows it.  It sucks so badly to be in a marriage where you feel degraded all the time.  Why don't I leave?  Scared I guess.  98% of the time our marriage is miserable.  Maybe I hold out for that 2%.  I don't know.  I guess I'm also scared about how I would provide for my kids as a single mom.  I'd figure it out, but we wouldn't be able to keep the house, and I'd be financially ruined.  My daughter does not adjust to change well at all, so moving her again would be devestating for her.  She needs consistency.

So what do I do?  I guess.....I need to just focus on me and the kids.  I can't change him.  I can't make him happy, he can't make me happy so I'll focus on making myself happy and finding peace within myself.  

I'm going to go cry now.

what to do, what to do?

Hubs and I had a really bad argument the other day.  It was on the 4th of July and if you read the post from that day, it alluded to the fact that we'd had a nasty fight.  I was ready to just be done with it.  It started off a small thing, nothing really, but everything gets turned into a mountain of stress with the Hubs.  He got stressed and then he asked if I wanted a freaking separation.  WTF, no I do not.  I did that before, we were separated for a little over a year.  No, if we ever separated again, it would be permanently.

I figured he would calm down once he left, but he continued to send me nasty emails about how I was to leave him alone when he got home and how I wasn't "allowed" to talk to him.  What the hell?  I just let it go.  But, he was still pissy when he got home.  I remember he walked in the door, walked over to me, literally dropped our 9 month old on my lap and went out in the pool.  Nice.  Then later, he was even nastier.  I couldn't figure out what was his deal.  Then he started in on one of my family members and how he was a loser and an idiot because this particular family member is in the military and got a DUI and that is not how soldiers do things.  Anyway, he kept going on and on and the thing is....he was smiling while he was doing it.  He was enjoying that I was crying and so upset.  

That did it.  I told him I want a divorce.  "You're gonna get a divorce over that?"  Yes I am.   It wasn't the comments he made, it was the attitude, I saw the joy on his face while he made me cry.  He loved every second of it.  It made me sick, that this guy I married, who had once been so sweet, had turned into someone who enjoyed causing misery to others. 

The next day I went to my parents for dinner and I didn't mention a word to them.  I had been sick the day before so that was my excuse for Hubs not coming.  My dad took a family picture that day, and I remember he said something to me about photo editing my husband into the picture, since mom and dad are using that as christmas cards.  Whatever, is what I thought.  I managed to make it through the day without crying.

I got home and he came to me and got teary eyed and asked me not to leave him.  In a way, I think of it as abuse.  I don't think me means for it to be that way, but this is always how it is.  We fight, he's nasty, then he is sweet and calm and asks me to stay and he'll try harder.....until the next time it happens.  The crap thing is....I always fall for it.  I always have that little bit of hope that this time there really will be a change.

My husband sometimes reads my blog so when he reads this I am sure he won't be happy, but oh well. Here's the Gods honest truth.....I'm still not sure that divorce isn't the best option for me and the children.  I am not sure if I love my husband.  I love him but I don't know if I'm in love with him.  If we were single, I sure wouldn't be attracted to his personality now.....and I know he wouldn't be to mine.  We have nothing in common anymore except we created two little miracles that we both love.  

The other night, as we lay on the floor in our son's bedroom talking about things, we pledged to try and have more fun in our lives and be more easy-going.  That's one of the things I miss.....When we first got together everyone commented on how well we fit together.  We were both so easy-going and chill with everything.  We also both loved a lot of the same stuff:  live music, sports, traveling.   Now, he doesn't want to do anything and on the rare occasions he does want to go out, his good mood never lasts the entire day.  

PTSD has destroyed my happy little family.  My husband is a shell of what he once was.  He is so depressed, irritable, irrational and moody that it drives me bat-shit crazy.  I've become this hypervigilent, extra sensitive bitch woman who jumps on any little thing because if I don't stay on him and hound him, it won't get done.  Our daughter wets her pants and she's almost 7 and doesn't seem to care, and our son.....well.....he's good but I do worry about him too, growing up in this environment.

So why don't I go?  Why don't I pack up my babies and high tail it out of here?  Where would I go?  What would I do?  He's not a bad person.  he does love us in his own way and he does try.  He isn't physical, just intimidates when he gets mad with his words and actions.   I don't know what to do.  I am going to get my daughter and myself into counseling.  She needs it and I think I do too.  I need someone outside of the situation, NOT FAMILY, to talk to about this crap.  

I hate PTSD.

stressed.

Ok, I am stressed.


I've tried hard to keep up a good front the last few weeks.  I've tried to be optimistic about the treatment Hubs is getting at the VA.  I spun it into a good thing.....How with him being gone for 6 weeks I will have peace and quiet and be able to run the ship my way.  


It's starting to get to me.  It just seems like there's always something.  When he's home I feel like we spend a good majority of the time doing nothing in particular.  No commitments, we just go with the flow.  Well, since he's been gone, I feel like all I've done is run here and run there and put out one fire after another.  It's not that it's been hard....it's just been never-ending.  


The last few days have been especially stressful.  Our daughter started soccer, which I love, but that means taking her to practice and a game 2x a week.  It's been cold and overcast the last two times, and it wouldn't be a big deal, but without Hubs, I have to take the baby and it's freezing out.  Today it's supposed to be rainy and the high is only supposed to be 40 degrees, so I am secretly hoping that her practice gets canceled.


There was also the bunny situation.  Having to coordinate having someone come over and watch the kids so I could take her to the humane society wasn't a big deal, but ever since our daughter has been crying for her rabbit back.  The rabbit she never paid any attention to she now wants back.  That's not happening, but listening to her cry and whine about it is taxing.


She also had another episode of wetting the bed and the baby boy is teething.  Yesterday he had massive diahrea.  I hope it's teething anyway, and not the flu.  And now this morning, the bathtub faucet broke.


It is small stuff, but it's adding up.  Plus, I don't feel like Hubs is supporting me at all.  When he was home this past weekend, I told him I really wanted to talk to him on the phone while he's gone.  He told me he's tired at the end of the day but dammit, so am I!!  I thought after our conversation that the communication would be better.  Instead, I've heard nothing since he left except a text Monday to tell me he didn't want to come home this weekend but he wanted me to schlep the kids down there so we could do something close by down there.


I'm doing the best I can, but damn, this shit's getting old.  All I want to do is crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head and not have to deal with the world.  But, I can't do that.  My kids rely on me and my dog and cat would kill each other without my supervision.


But really, this sucks.

barely holding on

"Dont know if I'll make it, but watch how good I fake it"

Its getting to me --- this way of living.  I've got to be the strong one.  Keep up appearances of a happy life for my kids.  So often im crying on the inside, but smiling on the outside.   If i just keep pretending, then its not real.   But in reality, the truth is hard to ignore.

His depression causes me anxiety.  I walk on tip toes around him to avoid confrontations.  I snap at the kids and at him because my patience is running low.  I give and give and i'm running on fumes.

But at the same time, i try to be perky to friends.  I pretend everything's fine because thats easier than admitting its not fine.

Marriage shouldnt be this hard.  I know he cant help it.  His PTSD is awful.  I keep out the hope he will get better and appreciate what he has.  His brain injury has changed him.   I keep hoping the cloud will lift and the man i fell in love with will be there.   He's in there somewhere, buried deep.

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