Earlier I blogged about new siding and the new roof and windows. Hubs and I decided TOGETHER that this needed to be done and we discussed PRIOR to signing a contract how we would pay for it. Today the window dudes came and installed three new windows and a new sliding glass door. I was at work for most of it, but came home as they were finishing up. Hubs was laying in the bedroom uninvolved in the process. I heard the foreman come and so I went and told Hubs to come out and he said he had already talked to him. Okie dokie.
Well, I went out to say bye and the foreman told me that the guys hadn't rehung our blinds because they had been installed incorrectly before. I wasn't suprised, the people who owned the home before us must have been on something when they did some of the stuff to this house. He left and Hubs wandered out. I told him about the blinds and he started swearing and telling me it was my fault because I didn't tell them to hang them up. Never mind the fact that I told him to come out and he didn't. It's amazing how I turn into the verbal whipping boy.
Hubs got pissy and quit talking. I went to my Bible Study (my one sliver of peace in my evening) and came home around 9pm. I walked in and saw that nothing had been put away and so I cleaned up the kitchen and went to take a bath. Right before I'm getting in the tub he comes to the doorway and asks "what's your problem".
I hate that. What's my problem? Whats YOUR problem? A few minutes ago he came in and told me i was being bitchy. I got that he is now stressed about paying for all this. He then got mad because I"m not stressed. I just don't get it. We talked about it, he assured me all was good, all will be good, all is good. I didn't have much to say. I knew whatever I would say he'd twist it around in his head so I didn't even bother.
Then he told me not to talk to him tomorrow. So, as he was walking out of the bedroom I told him happy birthday because tomorrow is his birthday. He must have thought i was being smart because he told me Fuck you.
If I'm honest with myself.....the love is gone. I know it, he knows it. It sucks so badly to be in a marriage where you feel degraded all the time. Why don't I leave? Scared I guess. 98% of the time our marriage is miserable. Maybe I hold out for that 2%. I don't know. I guess I'm also scared about how I would provide for my kids as a single mom. I'd figure it out, but we wouldn't be able to keep the house, and I'd be financially ruined. My daughter does not adjust to change well at all, so moving her again would be devestating for her. She needs consistency.
So what do I do? I guess.....I need to just focus on me and the kids. I can't change him. I can't make him happy, he can't make me happy so I'll focus on making myself happy and finding peace within myself.
I'm going to go cry now.