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Tuesday, December 31, 2013

End of year post

Well, here it is…..6pm on New Year's Eve and I'm lounging at home with my family.  We have no plans to go out.  Are you kidding?  With the crowds and the drunk drivers on the road we hardly ever go out on New Years Eve.  However, Hubby just had his gall bladder out the day after Christmas so even if we were up to going out, he's not up to going out.

2013 hasn't been the worst year nor has it been the best.  We've definitely had our fair share of heartaches in the year as well as some nice moments.  I can only hope that this next year is better than this year.  My little brother is getting married in 2015, Hubby is getting his C&P for Permanent and Total, I'll still in grad school, and who knows what else.

May the new year bring you peace and love.

Monday, December 23, 2013

Understanding

This has definitely been a very trying time of year for us--- for him.  It always is, every year.  However, he finally let down his walls this past week and let me in.  I know, as I have known all along, that his anger is his defense mechanism that flares up when he feels upset.  He very rarely shows sadness or fear to me.  Anger is almost always the predominant emotion and that can, and does, cause a lot of tension and frustration between us. 
This past week he let me in.  He cried on my shoulder, he talked to me about his traumas instead of shutting me out, and he let me help him.  I felt like we were partners again and not strangers or enemies living in a house together.  I wish it could be like that more often.  If he would let me in and allow me to be there for him, I think we'd have a much better relationship.  Instead, he tries to act tough and keep things from me because he doesn't want to hurt me or expose me to his pain.  What he doesn't realize is that yes, the things that he has gone through and what he has to deal with on a daily basis are horrific, but they don't have the same hold on me that they do on him.   He could lean more on me and let me share his stress or take it away.  Ironically, by trying to protect me and keep me from his pain by acting out in anger, he ends up hurting me more with his outbursts and anger.  

I need to hang on to these moments and remember that underneath the mean words and sarcastic, biting comments, is someone who is hurting and in pain.  Let me be clear, it's not okay to be nasty and Lord knows, he needs to work on communicating better and thinking about what he's going to say before he blurts out horrible things.  That being said, I can work on things too and try to be more understanding.  I do vent frustrations and lately I've gotten pretty despondent and bitter about how things have been going.  I need to take time for myself in a healthy way.   

Bottom line, I need to make sure to take time for my own mental health. I can't help him if I'm not in a good spot.  Hubby needs to take time and think before he acts and let me in instead of keeping me away.  I'd love to say that this is going to happen right away but let's be real.  He has had PTSD for 10 years and we're still trying to figure it all out.  I don't have all the answers and neither does he.  

What works for you?  What doesn't?


  

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Tis the season...

I'm so stressed out.  This time of year should be fun, but instead it leaves me tired, depressed and stressed.

In fact, this entire Fall has been awful.  Our daughter has had some really difficult issues to work through these last few months. I think we *finally* are at a place with her in her treatment that is a good place to be.  She's gained weight, seems happier, and overall is doing much better. It definitely took its toll on Hubs and I thought.  When she was at her worst, Hubs couldn't stand t be around her so I did a lot of it solo.

This time of year is also hard because there are lots of anniversaries for my husband.  While he admits he has never been a huge Christmas nut, ever since he got out of the service, he has shown little excitement for the season. He tries, for the kids, to be happy and cheerful. If it were up to him, however, he would stay in our basement from about Halloween until February.  Christmas is my favorite time of year, or it used to be…..I try hard not to let his depression be contagious and zap my holiday spirit.  It's hard though.

To top it all of, Hubs recently put in for his Permanent and Total since he's 100% and it's been over five years since he was discharged. This, however, has added even more stress to him. For instance, today he freaked out because he realized that his paperwork was wrong. He had used a service officer to submit it. When he found out the guy screwed up, he went ballistic.  He had me call but he refused to talk to them so with me being the go-between he wasn't satisfied with the answers. He then went over the guy's head to the top.  His service officer called Hubs back and oh…guess what…..not that big a deal. He'd fix it.

I guess that's the part I'm so frustrated about personally.  Hubby has no patience at all. He takes any bit of information and flies off the handle with it.  It's not just the paperwork, it's everything.  Kids act up, he can't handle it.  Someone says one little thing to make him mad, he yells at them.  His temper is awful lately.

I'm hoping and praying this most recent bout of PTSD anger gets over quickly.  I feel awful for him.  He has panic attacks daily now and he's so miserable.  I pray for peace for him and for us as this Christmas season arrives.


Saturday, November 30, 2013

Late night/Early morning

Here it is.....4:15 in the morning and I'm wide awake.  It's becoming a nasty habit, this staying up til all hours of the morning.  It started the night before last with a really bad migraine.  I had taken our daughter to see Frozen and after we came home I noticed a bit of a headache creeping in.  I figured it was the usual holiday headache.  I don't know about you, but holidays usually bring about a headache at one point or another.  I think it's because I want the holidays to be perfect and I try too hard.  Eventually the stress gets to me.

Anyway, I laid down with a slight headache and when I woke up about an hour later, it was a full blown migraine.  I ended up sleeping on the cold floor in our very small bathroom next to the toilet.  I felt like my head was going to explode out of my eye socket.  If you are unlucky enough to experience bad headaches, you know what I mean by that.  Anyway, I was in there on the floor for hours.  Hubs came in after I'd been in there for awhile bringing me two excedrine migraine pills and some pepsi to take it with.  I was so thankful!  I was able to lay back down and sleep well and when I woke up at about 1am the migraine was much better.  Only problem was, then I was wide awake and I stayed awake until about 5am.

The next day, Thanksgiving,  Hubs and the kids left to go to my inlaws and they left EARLY so he could be there in time to watch the Packers on tv.  I was going to go, I really was.  Hubs took one look at me and told me to stay.  I got some much needed sleep and tackled a massive paper that is due on Monday for class.  However, I missed out on all the yummy food and family times which was a bummer.  My Thanksgiving meal consisted of Snickers ice cream, some taco dip and Pepsi.

So here it is, late at night or early in the morning, depending on how you look at it.  I cannot sleep.  I fell asleep earlier on the couch and woke up around 2am and now I'm up.   This is not a good cycle I want to get into.....Monday morning that alarm clock is going to be going off and it's going to be tough for me, I can tell already.

So why can't I sleep?  Maybe too much going through my head these days.  My mind is filled with all the things on my to-do list.  Things like:  getting out all the Christmas decorations, finding a tree, finishing up my paper, making sure Hubby gets to his appointments this week, making sure my daughter gets to her OT appointments.  Then I'm worried about how she's doing.   Is she adjusting well, will this OT help with her issues?  What about my son?  He still isn't talking much and the speech path will be here this coming week to help him.  Is he making progress?  I just want my 2 year old to talk!  I can't wait to hear him say "i love you"

I need to remember to breathe.  I can't do everything at once and I need to remember that.  It's hard though.  Maybe I'm up this late because it's the only time I can really process things without being interrupted.  I don't know. 

Sleep......come to me

Saturday, November 23, 2013

We'll always have Paris

Things are tough around here.  The household has been under a lot of stress this fall with our daughter's         issues going on and with stress building up from PTSD.  I honestly don't know what the future holds these days.  The other night hubs and I had a fight.  It started out small, but don't most start out that way?  I was in the laundry room which is in a part of the basement that isn't finished.  Hubs opened the door and threw a huge handful of clothes at me.  I was already having a bad day, and that just irritated me.  I knew he had no intention of doing any of that laundry.  I told him so, and he smarted off and started throwing toys in the room too.

To make a long story short, I open handed slapped him across his chest when he picked up a tray of toys to chuck in there.  I lost it.  He has been going into rages lately and been throwing things.  For example,   he recently got mad and threw a wooden spoon across the kitchen breaking it in half.  When he picked up that tray I thought, "oh no you don't!".  I told him to stop but my words mean nothing and instead of walking away I slapped him.

I hate that I did that.  I don't want to be that person.  He hurts me with words so I hurt him with my hand.  I don't think so.  That's NOT RIGHT and it CANNOT happen again.

Who have I become?  What has become of our marriage?  I am so sad all the time, and I have no patience anymore.  I cannot remember the last time we kissed or hugged or the last time he said "I love you" without me saying it first.  When we first got together, we laughed a lot and had so much fun together.  I honestly cannot remember when we last laughed together.

It's coming up on Thanksgiving.  Almost a decade ago I became engaged in Paris on Thanksgiving Day.  That was the best time I can remember having with my husband.  I felt like the center of his universe.  We laughed together, seeing the sights of Paris and exploring together.....Without any inkling of the struggles that lay ahead of us.  I still remember riding the bus and seeing Napoleon's tomb with him and viewing Notre Dame.  We only had a weekend and the highlight was him proposing under the Eiffel Tower after dinner.  When we left Paris we said someday we'd be back.  Maybe for our 20 year anniversary.

Now, I am not even sure we will make it to our 20 year. Heck, I'm not sure I'll make it to my 10 year anniversary.  That makes me heartbroken.  When you get married you get married for life.   You promise for better or worse, sickness and health.  But what happens when that person you married seems to have become a completely different person.  I feel like I'm in mourning for what could have....what SHOULD have been.

I don't know what the future holds, but at least we'll always have Paris.  That is a memory I will treasure forever.

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

my daughter has an anxiety disorder

 Have you ever seen those depression medication ads on TV?  The ones where they discuss how living with depression affects everyone around you?  Living with someone who has PTSD definitely affects everyone in the household and while I'm an adult and can deal with the roller coaster of emotions (most of the time!), my babies are not adults. They're just that......my babies.  A recurring nightmare/worry I have is that living with someone who is often mad, agitated, or withdrawn will have lasting negative affects on my children.

Parenting is hard enough without having to throw that in the mix. For the most part, I think my kids are dealing with it okay.  My youngest is just a toddler and I don't think it's really affected him much at all yet.  Hubs is around our son more than I am, since I work outside the home and go to school and he stays home with him.  Hubs does well with him.

He wasn't always so involved.  When our daughter was our son's age she was living with her dad when he was at one of his lowest points.  She was there when we went through the medical discharge of the Army and the subsequent "Hell Year" when Hubs wasn't receiving any assistance from the VA and was self medicating with alcohol and herbs.  She was in the home when he kicked in doors to yell at me, and she witnessed him punching walls in frustration.  My worry about her well being and psyche living with that turmoil is the largest reason I decided to split from my husband.  For over a year I lived in my parents basement and he lived with his parents and our little baby girl was shuffled back and forth on weekends. It worked out in the end.....the separation forced him to take a good look at himself and decide if he wanted a family or not. It was due to that separation that he decided to seek residential help at the VA. 

However, I worry that all that frustration and stress has had it's affect on my oldest child.  My baby girl suffers from anxiety and has developed really poor social skills.  It's been such a struggle with her lately.  At our whit's end, we enrolled her in a day treatment program to help her focus on her anxiety.  You see, my little baby girl has become a picker.  She picks her skin, leaving open wounds on her arms, legs, and thighs.  In addition to that, she also has some anger problems to address and it's been a real challenge living with her these last few months.

I think back.....when she was two, and Hubs was deployed, I had her evaluated for early speech.  She didn't qualify.  In addition to not qualifying (she was close), the evaluators also said she had great social skills and was advanced.  So here it is, half a decade later, and she's gone from having advanced social skills to having very poor social skills.  Is it my fault?  Is it because she saw her dad suffer in those early years after he returned from war?  Did she witness all the yelling, anger, and sadness and somehow internalize it into this?

I know I can't beat myself up over this.  There's no way to reverse time and do things differently.  I did what I did because I thought it was the best at the time for all involved.  But it still hurts.  And it still sucks...

Saturday, November 9, 2013

betrayal

Like many veterans, my husband often speaks of how his fellow soldiers are his "brothers".  These men  went through hell together and have an inseparable bond.  No one gets it, like a fellow brother.

Imagine the hurt, the incredible sense of betrayal then that happens when one of those brothers turns on another.

It's no secret my husband has severe PTSD.  He is not always the nicest guy in the world, that's for sure.  However, he by no means deserved what he got about a month ago from a fellow soldier.....Not just any soldier, but one who my husband had always considered a close friend and confidant.  This fellow solider is still active duty and allegedly suffers from PTSD too.  In fact, he had talked to my husband about his struggles in the past.  This soldier is married to a foreigner and they have children together.  The wife of this soldier liked to put things on Facebook.  Comments that often spoke about how great her country was and often in a passive aggressive way, smacked on the U.S.

Now, this lady lives on US soil, her kids are half American and her husband is a United States Soldier. My husband and I chose to ignore her pictures she posted with shrewd comments and her rants on American healthcare and such.  I get it.....I get frustrated with my country too but excuse me....It's MY country and I can talk crap about it if I want to.  You, someone who won't give up their own citizenship to their country and is a foreign visitor simply CANNOT.

One day about a month ago, this wife posted some comment about the US and her country.  My husband finally had had enough and shot off a comment back.  His "brother" started giving my husband crap.  Her husband rightfully so defended his wife, which was fine.  However, he then started attacking my husband where it hurts.....with his PTSD.

This "brother" called my husband lazy and told him to get a job.  My husband was stunned.  I took the computer and wrote back that shame on him for saying that.....That he obviously does not understand PTSD if he thinks my husband is lazy.

"Maybe you have voices in your head too,then" was the reply.  I couldn't believe it.  I'm usually pretty calm, but I was about to go ape shit crazy on this guy.  How dare he be so rude and so clueless about PTSD when he himself has said he suffers from it.  My husband, in a rare moment of calmness, took the laptop and simply wrote, "we're done.  Thank you".

It tears me up.  My husband was simply defending his country against a person who was constantly smearing it.  The other soldier then hit way below the belt.  This other soldier is also studying to be a reverend.....or he was.....not sure if he still is.  I sure hope not.  The church does not need such a hypocritical ass leading congregations.

Perhaps this other soldier was simply putting on a show for his wife.  Maybe he was in denial and felt that by attacking my husband he was distancing himself from PTSD.  Whatever the reason, that soldier is now dead to my husband.  He will never forgive him for the words he said.  I don't blame him.


Sunday, October 27, 2013

Support the Vets

I was in the McDonalds drive through tonight, appeasing my need for their fountain pop.  Seriously, McDonalds has the BEST Coke.  While I was in line, I noticed a "Support The Troops" yellow ribbon on the back of the car in front of me.  It made me smile, as it always does when I see them.

Then I started thinking.  Where are the "Support The Veterans" ribbons?  Are their such ribbons?  A quick Google search and I found some!

        Or        
















Now, I have seen yellow ribbons a lot; on cars, houses, trucks, etc.  However, I do not remember the last time I saw a Support a Vet ribbon.  Yes, Veterans are Troops.....but people tend to forget about the struggles they go through after they leave the service.  I for one am going to go buy a blue ribbon and stick it on my car to proudly state that I support our troops.....Both while they are actively protecting our country and after......when support may be even more needed to deal with the wounds left from battle.




Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Keeping on, Keeping on

Life has been hectic.  Not bad, just hectic.

Seems like Autumn is always so busy.  It's such a short season and it really goes by way too quickly.  With munchkin back to school, my job starting back up, and my own college classes beginning it has been chaotic around here.  Now I understand why people always say to go to school before you have a family.  It's so much harder to go back after you have kids.  I'm pretty good at time management and getting my stuff done for classes.  It's just.....I still feel guilty having to study late at night or hurrying them off to bed so I can study.  I keep trying to remember that it's all for the better....That after I have my master's degree and I get a good job it will mean more income and opportunities for us as a family.  It's just hard right now.

Hubby is doing good with all the busy-ness. There have been learning curves along the way as we both try and navigate this new way of living.  He has had to do more on the home front in terms of getting supper ready, making sure homework is done, and tucking kids in for the night.  He's done it all very well.  Sure there have been a few blowups along the way as stress from both of us has mounted up. However, we've worked through it and I think that's the important part.

I'm not going to glaze over and say everything is hunky dory but we're still going, keeping on, keeping on.

Friday, September 6, 2013

Words

Words can hurt.  More than a punch, a slap in the face.  Words, once they are said cannot be taken back.  They are out there forever, ringing in the ears of those who heard the words.

Some words are meant to be cruel.  Others blast out unintentionally causing damage.  The pentup frustration, sadness, anger, and bitterness of a situation comes out in the words.  Other words come out, and they are heard wrong.  Wounding when it was not the intention and no explaining will soften the blow.

Be careful what you say.  Once they are out there, you cannot take them back.

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Busy week

This week is kicking my ass.

Monday my houseguests left after a week long stay.  Both Hubs and I crashed Monday afternoon.....A week of entertaining and having people in your home took it's toll.  Tuesday was the first day back to school for munchkin and back to work for me.  Munchkin loves her class, which is great.   I am less than thrilled with my placement this year.   Let's just say, it's going to be a hell of a year. I also had night class last night and had to meet with my group tonight for a group project.

I'm exhausted.   I need a vacation or a day off.  I'll settle for a nap.

Ain't happening.

Saturday, August 24, 2013

PTSD: A view into our home

      People sometimes ask me what it's like to be with someone who suffers from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  They tell me that they "couldn't do it".  Some people are quick to tell me I need to leave and never come back.  Others think that my husband's PTSD symptoms are blown out of proportion or that he just needs to "get over it".   Trust me, I wish he could just "get over it".  Truth is that he cannot.  PTSD is an injury.  If a soldier lost a limb or an eye in combat, people wouldn't say to just "get over it".  But somehow, with the invisible wounds people expect soldiers to just bounce back.

     PTSD is cyclical.  It moves in waves.  It's always present, but for us and our situation, there seems to be ups and downs.  Think of it like a roller coaster.  Sometimes the dips go pretty low and sometimes the tops of the hills last longer than the dips.  The whole goal with PTSD is to treat it so that eventually, the highs outlast the lows and the highs last longer and the lows are shorter.

     There are a lot of different symptoms of PTSD.  Instead of going into all of them, I'm going to talk about the ones that affect my husband and our household the most.  If you read this and you know someone who has PTSD, some of these may ring familiar with you:

1.  Anger and Bitterness

This one is pretty hard for me.  I can tell we are going to be hitting a wave of PTSD when my husband starts talking smack about everyone and anyone around him.  He will say he hates everyone, except me, the kids and our parents and siblings.

He will spout off horrible, mean things about people he doesn't even know and its hard to deal with.  His rants are pretty illogical and he usually has no basis for his anger.  Sometimes, it gets so bad I cannot stand to be around him because it's so depressing to hear someone talk about how the whole world sucks.

 That's probably the hardest symptom to deal with.  I don't want my kids to pick up on his bitterness.  I don't want my kids to be jaded like he is.

2.  Depression and Isolation

When my husband gets into a cycle, his depression always gets worse.  For him, he isolates A LOT!  Hubs will go down to the basement and lay on the futon in the dark and ignore me and the kids.  Sometimes he will just lay in bed all day and refuse to get up.  On the days I can get him out of bed, he migrates to the couch where he will lay there and watch TV without interacting with the rest of our family.  It's pretty hard to deal with, to be honest.  When he gets like this, I just try and give him space.  I've found that pressing him to get up and get active usually backfires on me.  I'll give him a day or so to be moody and sad and then I'll try and get him up and out to do an activity with the kids.

3.  No Patience

Hubs will get really frustrated with me and the kids.  He'll get easily annoyed and he will yell at the kids or start swearing.  When he gets like this, I usually take the kids out of the situation.  I try and go out for the day to visit my mom and dad or take the kids to the zoo or something......just to give him time to calm down and cool off.

4.  Poor Hygiene

This one is disgusting.  When he gets into the PTSD zone, oftentimes Hubby will wear the same clothes for days, and he will refuse to shower.  Since he is unemployable and stays home most days, it really only affects me and the kids.  I'll try and urge him to shower and shave.  He's gotten better about it, but there can be times where he wont shower for 3 days or so.  YUCK!

5.  Obsessing/OCD

Hubs will do this.  For example, he has an OCD thing with vacuuming.  He will vacuum the same spot int he carpet over and over.   On the other hand, he will also go on tirades about having a clean house, but he only cleans certain sections of it.

Hubs will get an idea in his head about something he wants to do, like a hobby and he will go balls to the wall about it and buy everything and anything he can about the subject.  However, pretty soon he gets tired of it and moves on to something else.  I can't tell you how much money we've spent dealing with his hobbies.

Lastly, Hubs obsesses about money.  He will redo the budget over and over, and if we get just a little low on money he will spiral down into "woe is me" and he will start to talk about how we're going to lose the house, and all our possessions, when in actuality, we are nowhere near that point.


       So there ya go.  There are more symptoms, but these are the ones I can think of off the top of my head.  As I said, the anger is the worst.  He will spout such vile, nasty comments about people and he will talk about how everyone is crap.  It's hard to hear.  I try to be positive about life.....It's hard to do, being around someone who is a downer 90% of the time.  If I allow myself to be pulled into his depression, it will be the end of me.  I can't live like that.  It's hard to be with someone who is constantly worrying and stressed and who can be such a complete ass to people for no reason.

However, I keep doing what I do.  The one thing to remember with PTSD, is that it IS a cycle.  There are both highs and lows and really, you have to learn to weather the bad times and hope and pray that the good times are straight ahead.

Good Luck!








Friday, August 23, 2013

Duck Dynasty lessons

I've calmed down a little since earlier.

He's still being an asshole, but I'm trying not to let it get to me.  I know he's hurting really badly right now.  It's weird, he was just fine days ago and then the downward spiral started out of the blue and it came fast.

He came in about a half hour ago.  We hadn't really talked since the argument earlier.  He had stayed downstairs on the futon, covered up by a blanket in the dark and I was upstairs with the kids.  That was fine with me.  I didn't want to talk to him when he was like that.  Well, when he came in a few minutes ago, he was still crabby and he also was talking about how he doesn't trust anyone and he started asking me who i could count on for anything.   I answered "mom and dad".  Him too.....but I will admit that I can count on my parents more than my husband.  I know my parents will always drop whatever they are doing if I called and needed them.  They've been there for me.    Hubs is there for me too, but when he's in a deep PTSD mood, I will say that his own feelings are most important to him and I'm kind of left to fend for myself.

He talked a little, but soon left to go back downstairs.  Now, we've given up cable (groan) and we got an antennae and we've been utilizing Netflix.  It's an adjustment, but we're saving quite a bit.  Anyway, while he was talking I was on my laptop going to A&E's website to watch the full episode of Duck Dynasty.   I watched last week's episode which focused on Phil and Miss Kay's wedding anniversary.  I sat there watching it, and at the end of the episode Phil and Kay renewed their wedding vows.

If you are a fan of Duck Dynasty, I suggest you read Willie and Korie's book.  In it you find out that back in the day, Phil was a drinker and he was just plain mean.  He came around, obviously, but there were some hard time for Phil and Kay.   Watching the episode, I actually cried when Kay was saying her vows to Phil.   To paraphrase, she said she loved him when he was not so nice, and she loves him now, when he's really nice.

Here is the clip.  Watch out, you'll cry:



So after watching that I realized, once again, that no marriage is perfect.  We all have our struggles. Some more than others, for sure.  But.....We all have them.

I love my husband.  He's a good soul who is tormented.  It still doesn't make it right for him to be an ass, and I'm a strong enough person to let him know.  Still, I stop and think for a minute and realize we've come a long way.

I hope someday we will renew our vows and I can say that I loved him when he was not so nice, and now he's really nice!

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Asshole

Why can't he be happy?   We've had a good run over the last few months.  I almost forgot how awful he can make me feel and how quickly he can make me cry.

He's definitely starting up one of his long cycles.  It seems an ugly twist of fate that he always gets this way in the fall.  Autumn is my absolute, hand's down, favorite time of year.  I love the pumpkins, the weather, football, corn mazes, haunted houses, candy apples....everything!   It's especially cruel then that during my favorite time of the year is when his PTSD is the absolute worst.  We miss out on so many family memories because he doesn't want to go, or doesn't feel good.   In the past I've stayed home not wanting to make memories without him.  I cling tight to the American family ideal.

It's crap.

I've got to just go out and do it myself.  He isn't going to be much use of anything for awhile.  All the freaking drugs he's on and none of them work to pep him up.   Nope.   The only drug that works at all for him is weed.  Seriously?   I'm like the biggest opponent to legalizing marijuana but unfortunately it's the only thing that makes my husband likeable.  And....he's out.   He doesn't have any and he doesn't have ready access to any.   So really, for the next unseen many weeks, he's just going to be a total ass.  It's totally unacceptable to me.  Having PTSD doesn't give you an excuse to be an asshole.   I get that he is stressed and worked up, but that doesn't give you the right to yell at me or the kids.

Earlier today I told him I was going to my mom's.  I was heading downstairs to get my laundry together when I stopped myself.  I'm always the one leaving.  Many years ago, we got into a huge fight and I kicked him out of the house.  He ended up going to his mother's and we remained separated for a year. Now, whenever we have a big enough argument that one of us should leave, it's always me.   He says it's because his mom told him never to leave the house again.

Thanks a fucking lot, mother in law.    How bout you think of your grandkids who have to be hauled across town to my mother's house and ripped from their beds?   Did you ever think of that?  NO!

I go, because it's easier.  It's easier than trying to make him leave.  He's such an ass when he gets that way, that he won't go willingly.  Instead of making an even bigger ruckus in front of my babies, I've always just packed a bag and talked about the "fun times" we'll have at grandma's.

Tonight I just decided not to do that again.  He's not physical, he won't hurt me or the kids physically.  Emotionally......well, he's hurt me so much in the past that I'm starting to get a pretty thick skin.  As far as the kids go, he's not too bad with them.  He knows when he's getting pretty bad and he'll leave and go into the basement.  That's where he is now, in the basement.

So, for now, we are not talking and we'll just go about our business as separately as possible.    I don't think the kids will be too affected.  They are used to their dad disappearing downstairs to play video games or needing time alone.

Am I fucking up my kids?  When I stop and think about it, I'm appalled that this is "normal" for my kids.  My only hope is to get through school, safe up money and put us in a better place.  One way or the other


Monday, August 19, 2013

Another round of PTSD starts up

     I should have seen this coming.  Things had been going so well, however, between the Hubs and I, that I got lulled into a false sense of security.  Ever since March, when I was hospitalized for that darn gall bladder, things had been pretty good between him and I.  We have had minimal fights, and for the most part, I was finally starting to enjoy marital life.

    That's the funny thing about PTSD.  You never really know when it's going to hit.  Here we were, swimming along happily when BAM......PTSD strikes again.   It started a little less than a week ago:  I started noticing the shorter fuse for his temper, the more frequent outbursts of swearing, and the change in his physical appearance.  Hubby has a habit of wearing the same clothes for days.  He will sleep in them and wear them for at least two days in a row.  It's disgusting.  It's bad enough when he does that when it's winter out, but here in the dog days of summer......Gross.   

Along with the lack of changing clothes, I noticed his facial hair going to crap.  He tries hard to grow a beard and mustache.   Some people look great in a beard and a 'stache.   He does not.  The crappy thing is, that he KNOWS he looks bad in one.   It'd be different if it was the sexy 5'oclock shadow thing going on, or a few days of scruff.  Nope.  Instead, he grows it out so its scraggly and his mustache has that nasty part down the middle that some men get that looks creepy.  To compound the look, his beard grows in gray.  Not all the way around, either.  It has hairs growing in gray just on his chin.   

Like I said, he knows he looks like crap with a beard and mustache.  He's said it to me before.  I have come to determine that the facial hair starts growing when he is feeling depressed.  I try, in a nice way, to motivate him to shave.  I tell him how much younger he looks without it (he does!) and how it's not his best look and how often by having a better outwards appearance, you can make yourself feel better internally.  

Last night he said he was going to trim it up and I thought "Hallelujah!"   This afternoon we were outside and I commented about how I thought he was going to trim it up.  "I did" was the reply.  What????   His idea of trimming is to get some of the neck hair off.  That's it.  He still has wild long hairs growing in every which way, still has the creepy mustache line, and still has the gray hairs coming in.  I told him I didnt like it and he told me something along the lines of "when I start caring, I'll let you know".

That hurt.  I don't know why......He's told me before that he doesn't care what I think.  When he's like this, in the middle of a PTSD cycle, it's true.  I know that when he's feeling better, he does care.  But right now, he doesn't.  It hurt because I had been in a state of denial that another cycle of PTSD was upon us.  Life had been so nice for the last 4 months or so.  I forgot how much it can suck.  

I have to start putting on my thick skin again.  I've let myself go soft the last few months.  Being soft lets the hurt in......I have cried more in the last week than I have in months.  Stupid stuff really.  Comments that shouldn't cut me, do.  The rude, sarcastic comments are back and I have to get used to them again.....I have to remember that although his words and actions hurt, he doesn't really want to hurt me.    I have to remember that his crappy, mean attitude is just an outward reflection of his shit mood internally.

It doesn't help though.  It still hurts.  But, I have to buck up.......I can't spend my days crying or tip toeing around him.  I'm too busy for that.     Here's hoping that this latest flare up doesn't last long.

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Prayers for Corbin

If you are on Facebook, you may notice a lot of people who have children or loved ones who are seriously ill often put up community pages that allow people to check in and keep up with how the sick loved one is doing.

My sister in law followed a page like that.  I don't think she knew the family at all, but the facebook page is called Prayers for Corbin.   Corbin was born in April of this year and is a beautiful baby boy who happened to be born 7 weeks early AND was born with Trisomy 13.   If you aren't familiar with Trisomy 13, I encourage you to Google it.  Basically, it's a chromosome abnormality and most babies with it die within a year.   I had a colleague whose son was born with Trisomy 13 and he died within four hours of birth.  So, it was amazing that Corbin lived as long as he did.

I'm heartbroken to say that baby Corbin passed away this morning at a hospital in North Carolina.  I almost cried reading about it online, even though I've never met and most likely will never meet the family.  

But, this post isn't about heart ache.   You see, what amazed me most about reading Corbin's page was how strong his parents remained and how optimistic they were.  Even at the end, hours before he died, they remained hopeful but realistic.  In fact, today his mom posted and it was about how happy they were the last 24 hours.  Yes, they were obviously heartbroken that he was dying, but they were celebrating the amazing life he had.   He touched so many lives in his short 135 days and taught so many, many people about the power of love.   It's an amazing story, and I think the waves of peace and love that Corbin created will continue to ripple on, long after he's been off this planet.

I guess, in closing, my thought from this entire post is that you must remain positive about life.   I've had people tell me they can't believe how positive I remain about everything that I've been through in my life in terms of my health, my marriage, etc.   My answer is always, "someone else always has it worse than I do, and I'm thankful and grateful for what I have".     It's true.  Look at Corbin's parents.  Here they are, preparing for their only child to die, and she is choosing to celebrate, and not mourn.  I'm not saying they won't grieve.  How could they not.  I'm sure the tears would come.  I would be devastated by the loss of a child.  However, I am amazed by how strong they are and how they choose to honor Corbin's spirit.

Friday, August 16, 2013

Back to School

Well, I'm in.   10 years after graduating with my bachelor's degree, and many, MANY possible career changes later, I have finally.....FINALLY started my post baccalaureate degree.

I started this latest process only weeks ago.  I guess that's how I roll.   I mean, I got married pretty quick after meeting my man, I got preggo right after getting married....Once I make up my mind about something, things tend to go pretty quickly.  Anyway, I had decided to stick with special education.  I had applied, was about to be accepted, and had already met with the program advisor.  It would be hard work, but I could and would get done in two years, in time to keep my license I already had without it expiring in June 2014.

Then, just days later, I found THE program.  I was browsing around on the college's website and came across Higher Ed Admin.  Intrigued, I clicked on the link and that forever changed everything.   Higher Ed is a program for people who want to work in higher education administration, aka - colleges and/or universities.  As I read about the program, I realized that this degree was right up my alley.   I mean, come on!  I have had so many issues trying to figure out what I truly want to do in my life.  What better than to work in a college or university environment, advising students on what to do with THEIR lives???

In a spur of a moment, I contacted the accelerated admissions advisor and met with her days later.  I actually met with her a week to the day after I had met with the special ed advisor.   I switched my intended degree over  and waited to see if I got admitted.  I was!  Quickly, I registered for classes and this past Tuesday was my very first class!

I LOVED IT!!!   I knew, from that very first class, that I had finally found my program.  It's going to be hard work, but I know it's what I want to do.

I guess the moral of this story is that don't settle for a job that you don't like.   Do what you need to do to make ends meet, but never give up the dream of doing something bigger and better.  It may take awhile.....It's taken my 10 years to get my crap together and figure it all out, but I'm so glad it happened this way.  If i had gone with nursing, or teaching, or something else....I would have missed out on this opportunity.   Everything happens in due course, at least that's what I'm finding.

Now, off to study!  I have loads of reading to do before next week!


Wednesday, August 7, 2013

PTSD and school/jobs

My husband has not worked a job since his medical discharge from the Army in summer of 2008.   He receives social security benefits and compensation from the VA so we have income from him, as well as income from my job.   So lack of funds has not been the issue.  However, not having a job has really affected him in terms of esteem and his mood.

It's funny how society judges you on your profession.   You go to a class reunion and you talk about what you do.  Meeting someone new on a date, you talk about your job.  Your kids talk about what their dad or mom does to their friends.  Imagine not having anything to say.....Imagine your children having to tell their friends that daddy doesn't work at all.   Kids may not judge, but their parents sure do.    Thoughts enter their brains.   "Oh, a deadbeat dad."   "What a schmuck".   Negative thoughts before they even know what the situation is.

For a long time my husband would lie about his career plans.  When asked, he would tell his friends that he was in grad school.  I told him that that would only get him so far.  Eventually people would wonder why he was still in school 5 years later for a two year degree.  Why did he lie?  Because he was embarrassed.  A lot of his friends from college are successful professionals.   It's sad that he sacrificed so much for our country, and has done more than a lot of people will ever do in their lifetimes and he feels that that is not enough.  

He did try to go to school a few years ago.  He had gone to residential treatment for 6 weeks and felt like he had his shit together enough to go back to school and get some kind of degree.  He enrolled at a small, private,  christian university close by to our apartment we were living in at the time.  For the first quarter he seemed to be thriving.   He was motivated to do well and was pulling good grades in his classes.   However, the roller coaster that is PTSD eventually set in about October and he withdrew from the university in January.  In the end, going back to school proved to be too stressful for him.  His grades began to plummet, he started skipping classes, and he eventually lost all interest in going.

  I'll admit, I was pretty discouraged when he quit school.  He had such potential.  He still does.  After that semester, the PTSD seemed to rear it's ugly head even more than usual.  He plummeted into a deep depression.  He couldn't be a soldier anymore, something he was excellent at, and now he couldn't seem to go back to school either.

Part of it had to do with fear.   He was consumed for several years with the fear that if he went back to school and eventually got a job, that the VA would declare him miraculously cured from PTSD and he would lose all his benefits.  The fear came from being scared about taking care of his family.  The benefits he receives are how he supports his family.  The thought of that getting taken away from him really scared the crap out of him.  He has finally, FINALLY, through opening up and talking to his psychologist started to realize that he will never lose all of his benefits.  He goes to therapy several times a week, and even though he's getting better at handling his disability, he still has a disability!

My husband has recently started talking about going back for some classes.  He has taken up an interest in gardening and considered a degree in botany.  He talked to his psych about it today, and while his psych was encouraging, he was also careful.  His psych made the comment that he would hate for Hubs to go back to school and somehow it ruin his interest in his hobby.  It's frustrating.  Part of me is like, "what does he know?"   But, on the other hand, I could see that potentially happening.  His doc did suggest that Hubs take a few noncredit classes somewhere for fun.  It's a step!

  It's frustrating because society judges him.  People just don't understand, I guess.  For example, during my recent girls weekend we talked about our husbands and of course the question came up, "what does your husband do?"  I give my standard answer that he is a combat veteran who is retired.  Sometimes, given the people I'm talking to, the conversation goes further on and I explain that he's disabled.  Anyway, this weekend that happened and I got the whole, "he can't do anything?"  

Um, yes he can do something.  He can keep fighting the fight.  He can keep going to treatment and working on being the best father and husband he can be.  We both hope that someday he can go back to school and maybe someday start another career.  However, just because he can't right now, that doesn't make him any less of a man, of a provider.  

I wish people/society would get that concept.  Wounded warriors are wounded for a reason.  Try walking a mile in their shoes.  I guarantee that most of society wouldn't be able to do that.  It's no wonder that they come back different people, unable to go back to how they were before.  If a wounded warrior can't go back to school or a job, it doesn't make them any less of a person.




Tuesday, August 6, 2013

R&R - Girls Weekend!!!

I had an absolutely awesome weekend.  Back in February a friend of mine sent out one of those facebook- event thingies inviting a ton of her friends to a Girls Only Weekend at her boyfriend's cabin in northern Wisconsin.  I think I was one of the very first to respond with a big, fat YES.   Oh my gosh, I was so excited to be invited and I looked forward to the weekend away.

We left Friday after Amy got off of work.  The hours before being picked up seemed to drag by.  I was like a little kid again, impatient with anticipation and giddy with excitement to be on our way.  When she got to my house a little after five on Friday night, I quick kissed the kids, waved by to the Hubs and practically ran out the front door to the waiting car.

I was FREE!!!!   For close to 48 hours I had no responsibilities.  No diapers to change, no dishes to do, zero loads of laundry to run; pure freedom was in my grasp.   Don't get me wrong.  Of course I love my children and my husband, but this was my chance to relax and unwind and recharge my batteries.  I don't remember the last time I had a weekend all to myself, with no worries.  Even on weekends when Hubs had taken the kids to see his parents, I was still running around doing laundry and cleaning.   This was much needed and much deserved.

 My friend's boyfriend has a small cabin up north close to a lake.  We went boating on Saturday, renting a pontoon boat and spending all day on the water.  It was a little cool at first, but it turned out to be a beautiful day.   The water was pretty damn frigid, even being the first of August so we stayed on the boat and got some sun.   Some of us got more sun than others.   I come from Irish and German heritage and I tend to burn.   Saturday was no different.   I am now a lovely shade of tomato red and I can't wear a bra because it hurts too much.  

Oh well, totally worth it!

The weekend was such a needed mini vacation.   I think it's important to get away occasionally and spend time with friends.   That's needed in regular marriages, but especially for the spouses of wounded warriors.  It's so important to take care of yourself and by doing so, you can take better care of the veteran.  I will admit, I didn't really worry much about the Hubs and the kids this past weekend.  Yes, my husband has PTSD but he has come such a long way and besides, he is their father!!  He should be able to handle his own offspring.  That being said, I got asked at least twice by some of the girls who went with me how Hubs would do being by himself.  Happy to report, he did fine.

 The weekend was perfect and I feel refreshed.  I've noticed today that I have much more patience for my daughter.  I think being away has helped with my parenting too.  

I can't wait for next year.  We're already planning it!

Monday, July 29, 2013

University visit with built in therapy

Today I took a little field trip to a university in the area to meet with a professor regarding what courses I need to take to get my certification up to date for the state.   The university butts up right next to the shore of Lake Michigan.  I had never been on campus before, and as I drove up I was amazed at the view.



The picture doesn't really do it justice.  I got there a few minutes early and parked my car and walked over to the bluffs. I think I stared out at the water for a good 10 minutes or so, just watching the waves and an occasional sailboat come by.  

There's something therapeutic about water.  I'm not a water baby.....I couldn't care less if I never went in it, but I LOVE to watch it.  I would just love to have a house on a lake with a balcony where I could sit out there in the morning with my coffee and watch the waves or just stare at the water.  Today when I got to the college, I was a little nervous about meeting with the professor, but looking at the water just soothed me.

  If you recall, I had been accepted into the University of Wisconsin's School of Social Work for the fall semester.  I declined acceptance after I had a chance to be on campus and interact with the departments.  Nothing, NOTHING against the U of W....it's a fantastic school.  But, it's more than an hour from me, and it's such a large institution.  I very much felt like a very small fish in a very large pond.  It turned out to be much too intimidating and overwhelming for me.

This university I visited today is very small.  Turns out, I didn't need to be stressed about meeting the professor because she was AWESOME!   She spent about 40 minutes with me discussing all my options and answering any questions I had.  I'm still not quite sure which route to take, but I now have much more information and I know that I can email or call her with any additional questions I have.    There's something to be said for small colleges and universities and the individual attention you receive there.  

The journey to figure out what I want to be "when I grow up" continues, but I feel like I am a million steps closer now than I was yesterday.  I also have a great place to visit now to get my great water views! :)

Sunday, July 28, 2013

yard work

What happened to Summer???   Here in the upper Midwest the weather has taken a very cool turn.  I am actually loving the 60's and cloudy weather because just a week ago it was close to 100 here and very muggy.   Gotta love weather in the Midwest!  Anyway, Hubs and I are taking advantage of the cooler temps and getting some yard work done.

Ok, actually......Hubby is the one doing the brunt of it.  He took it upon himself to go and buy a chainsaw and trim up our two very large, very overgrown pine trees that are in our front yard.  He got both of them trimmed up pretty good and started burning some of the branches last night and again this morning.  He seems to be enjoying himself.  I'm not sure what it is about it that appeals to him.  It might be that it's outside and he can use a chainsaw (boys with toys), or maybe it's the fact that he got to see progress pretty quickly.   Whatever the reason, he's been on top of the chore and he's even talking about doing more yard work.

I'm loving it.  Not only does my yard look better, but it's good for Hubs.  He's active, doing productive things for our home, and he's involving our oldest child to help by bribing her to haul branches and sticks in return for money or time on a video game.   It's really a win-win for everyone.  

Now------How can I get him to finish up the projects INSIDE the house????   :)









Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Hot days cool nights

This summer has been busy, busy, busy.   After I decided to ixnay the whole Social Work degree thing, I started teaching a self-contained life skills class this summer.  I was approached to do it by an administrator in the district to do it since she knew I had a teaching license in that area.  It sounded okay to me, half days for four weeks and there were four aides and another teacher in there with me.

Holy cow, it's not easy!  Even with two teachers, it's so time consuming.   It makes me wonder if I'd ever want to teach a self contained class again.  I love the kids, but being together that long, whew!  Today I went with one student to an outside class because his aide that goes was sick.  It was a sports class where all they do is play field games.  I couldn't help but think to myself that this was grossly unfair.   This teacher gets paid the same amount I do, and she plays kickball everyday while I'm running around making copies, planning full blown lessons.....jeez.

But I still like it a lot.  I'm still committed to making teaching my career and not treating it like a passing job.  There were two open positions that opened up for a special education teacher so I applied.   I don't technically have my cross-cat license here, even though I've taught it in the state.  I was just so happy to get an interview!   I thought it went really, really well and I still think that even though I got an email today saying that they're going with other candidates.

I am not too upset.  I emailed back asking for feedback because I figure I can use their advise in the future for interviews.   I'm thinking it's because of the license snafu, but I'm happy to continue to work for the district as a para, especially while I'm back in school.   No worries!

I feel like this blog doesn't really fit me anymore.   I started it as a way to vent about my problems and struggles with my husband's PTSD.  I'm happy to report that we're finally in a good place and that the good place has lasted now for awhile.  I still think my hospitalization back in March really helped our marriage by making us realize how much we rely and appreciate each other.  However, i'm thinking I'm going to change this blog soon, or maybe move to another blog altogether.

Changes coming soon!

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

What I want to be when I grow up

If you follow my blog at all you have noticed a recurring theme.  The theme is that I don't know what I want to be when I grow up.  I have my bachelor's degree and have worked in the school systems for years.  While I liked my jobs, I always thought about that next step in my career.  I just wasn't sure what that next step was.

This past winter I thought I had figured it all out.  I applied and was accepted into the University of Wisconsin's School of Social Work for my masters degree.   When I got the acceptance letter, I was giddy with excitement.  Since that day, I have gone through a lot of emotions with the whole process.  For starters, even getting anything done at the university seemed to take quite a long time.  I soon began             to realize that I really was a very small fish in a large pond.  Combined with that, as the school year ended, I started to feel nostalgic and sad.  On the very last day of school, one of my students ran back and gave me a hug goodbye.  That was significant because all year this kid had yelled and complained that I was pushing him too far.  I almost cried when he did that gesture.

Before beginning my masters, I had to complete a statistics class.  It was supposed to start today.  Again, as time came, I started to think more and more about going back to school.  I realized that I'd be gone all day and when I got home I'd be studying.    The university is about an hour from me, so that's a lot of travel time.  I knew it'd only be for two years, but lately the Hubs and I have really got along and as a family we've enjoyed spending time together.  I realized that as much as I wanted to be a social worker (and I do!) I wanted to be around my family more.  I didnt want to miss special events in my children's lives and I wanted to be able to be there for them and Hubs.

So tonight I went online and canceled my class and withdrew from this semester.  That means no social work program in the fall since I needed the stats class.   A large part of me is sad, I'm not going to lie.  I know that at some point in the future I may wonder "what if" and regret not going to school.  However, a bigger part of me is relieved.  I'm also excited.  I have always treated my teaching jobs as just that....jobs.  Now I'm going to start treating it as a career.


Saturday, June 8, 2013

Still going and it's June

For whatever reason, the school district I work at and my kids attend is going one whole week longer than everyone else in the counties around us.

What. The. Hell.

I'm okay with the fact that by being in Wisconsin we go longer than other states.  I have friends in Colorado who were done with school 3 weeks ago.  The weather up here in the Upper Midwest sucks in the spring and this year has been especially wet and nasty, so it's not like I've missed out on a ton of beach days by working.  But knowing that we are one of the last schools to get out for summer.....torture.

It doesn't help that I have colleagues who happily changed their facebook statuses on Friday at 3:00 o'clock on the dot.  Statuses such as "School's out for the summer", "FREEDOM" and "Closed for business" filled up my newsfeed all afternoon.  One ex co-worker even commented to me how she would be thinking of me all this next week as she laid on the beach and sipped a beverage.  Darn her!  Meanwhile I will be stuck working the final week and I'm sure that this week is going to crawl by.

So for all you people whose kids have been out of school for weeks already, I hope you are enjoying yourselves and your kids because some of us are still working!


Sunday, May 26, 2013

Kids will do the darndest things

My son has some sort of fascination with deodorant.   He's not even two yet.

The other day I caught him rifling around in my purse that I had stupidly left on the floor in a prime location to be burglarized.  He tossed my wallet, and found my Secret.  Hey, a girl always needs to be prepared to layer on a little extra freshness, right?  Anyway, he grabbed the blue container, ripped the lid off and before I could blink, he had rubbed some all over his sweet little head.

I didn't have time right then to give him a bath, so my child ran around for two hours with a white head and smelling like springtime.


About 20 minutes ago my daughter came to me with my husband's deodorant.   "Throw it away", I told her.  I figured if it was just laying around, then it must be empty.  Well, instead of tossing it in the garbage, she decided to give it to her brother who immediately rolled some onto his head.

Sigh......


At least it isn't Desitin.   When I was little my mom found me in my room covered in it.  Small prayer of thanks that I didn't come across THAT!

Saturday, May 4, 2013

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime

There's a quote I've heard before and while looking it up I realized that it's actually a poem.  I couldn't find the author's name but here it is below.  I think most people have heard the beginning line before:


Reason Season Lifetime
People always come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.
When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.
When someone is in your life for a REASON,
It is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty,
Or to provide you with guidance and support,
To aid you physically, emotionally, or even spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend to you, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
This person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they just walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.
When people come into your life for a SEASON,
It is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.
They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.
And like Spring turns to Summer and Summer to Fall,
The season eventually ends.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
Those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person anyway;
And put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas in your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
Thank you for being part of my life,
Whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.
Author – Unknown
**********************
It seems that a lot of friends have come and gone in my life.  Some have been my own choice, and others have been fate.  I'm sad to say that it seems another friend's season with me has come to an end.  This one was based on my own choice, but it still hurts.  I'm not perfect, I am human.  I'd like to not hold a grudge, be able to move past the pain and the feeling of being deserted in my time of need but I can't.  
You see, a friend of mine, someone I had become closer to throughout the last few months, and had hoped to continue to strengthen a bond with, hurt me.  It was during last month during my whole surgery ordeal when I was laid up in a hospital room and my kids and husband were left at home.  Offers of help and assistance came once....and I took her up on her offer of meals and support, only to have her never carry through.  
I got it.  She was going through some hard times in her personal life and although I was disappointed with her, I decided to let it go.  Until about a week after I was out of the hospital when a mutual friend ended up with surgery for her tonsils.  This friend of mine organized meals delivered to her house for a week, and other supports.  I am not begrudging someone help.  But I felt so......alone.  So abandoned. Why were my needs not as important as this other mutual friends? 
That whole situation put a bad taste in my mouth.  I have since distanced myself from her.  She hasn't called, hasn't texted, hasn't facebooked.  Perhaps this friend was not quite the friend I thought she was.  However, I am grateful for her.  She came along when I didn't really have any other supports around me.  She listened, made me laugh, and gave hugs.  And for all that, I thank her.  

Saturday, April 27, 2013

parenting is so hard

I love being a mother.  That being said, it's damn hard.  My oldest, in particular, is exceptionally difficult.  When she was born she had some health concerns and I remember praying when she was in the NICU that she would grow up to be strong.  Well, she is definitely strong-willed and bull headed that is for sure.

I feel guilty but sometimes she drives me crazy.  She has an issue of wetting her pants because she is too caught up in stuff to go.  Not cool.  We have been to urologists, psychologists, and psychiatrists and  nothing has worked.  FYI - she also has ADHD which is the reason for the psychiatrist.  However, nothing has helped.  she wets her pants or will drip and then she smells.  Oh God, the smell.   My husband and I are at our whits ends.  It usually ends up with us yelling at her, and that doesn't help anything.

In addition to the pants wetting, she is also extremely sassy.  It's like a 17 year old trapped in a child's body.  If this is what she is like now, God help me when she's a teenager.

I heard once that if kids are difficult as babies they will be easier as teenagers and vice versa.  I really hope that smoother sailing is ahead for us because right now I want to rip my hair out in frustration.


Tuesday, April 2, 2013

A new appreciation

Things have been good around here.  In fact, things have been downright pleasant.  Even though the whole gall bladder surgery was a real pain in the ass (and stomach and side and back) I think the whole experience has brought Hubs and I closer together.  I think it did him good to see me laid up in the hospital and him be in charge of the kids and dog and house all by himself.  It made him realize how much I do.  In turn, I really started to appreciate everything he was doing while I was in the hospital.

Even after I was discharged, he continued to amaze me.  He has been really good about picking up the slack because I'm not supposed to lift anything over 10 pounds.  In fact, he yells at me when he sees me carrying our toddler around.  I tried to explain that I don't carry him that much and I carry him on my left hip.....opposite side of all my incisions.  But still he yells and I like it.

It means he cares.

One of the big things I noticed while I was in the hospital was his comments on facebook.  He left numerous posts about how he hated seeing me in pain; How he missed me.  He posted about how much he loved me and wished I wasn't in pain.  

That was HUGE. This is a guy who does not show emotion very much at all.  This is the guy who doesn't like me to even sit by him on the couch or hug him because it makes him uncomfortable.  For him to say all that, and then be so sweet and loving when I got home has been amazing.

We haven't argued in 2 weeks, which for us is huge.  We have been so used to having little spats and those have pretty much disappeared.  I'm not dumb.   I know that at some point this honeymoon period will go away and we will argue again.  But then again, maybe not.  Maybe this hospitalization was just what we needed to realize what we meant to each other.  I know I appreciate him more and I think he appreciates me more also.

Whatever it is, I'll take it.  And when things get bumpy down the road I'll try to remember this time and everything we've gone through because we definitely love each other and this surgery has brought out the good in both of us.

Thanks crappy gallbladder and stupid pancreas.  You faulty organs have helped my marriage more than any therapist has!

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Gall bladder

I started getting gall bladder attacks during my second pregnancy.  I can remember being in my bedroom and then getting this God-awful stomach ache.  It passed relatively quickly and I don't think I even realized at that point what it was I was dealing with.  Then, last summer right before work started, I got about 3 days in a row that I go the attacks.  The worst happened when my husband was out of town for the day and I was home with my infant and my little girl.   The pain was so bad, I laid on my bedroom floor and thought to myself, "so this is what a heart attack feels like".

I did go in and get a both an ultrasound and a CT scan and sure enough, gall stones.  Seriously?  I had had some kidney stones a few years ago and my heart issues have always been around.   One more organ giving me issues, oh come on!  I did think about doing surgery, but starting back to work after my baby was quickly approaching and I knew I couldn't get in before work started.  So, I put it off.

Months went by and I didn't think much of it.  About 2 weeks ago, I got another attack.  Again, hubby and this time baby were visiting family hundred miles away and so my mom came and took my munchkin for awhile.  That attack lasted about 7 hours and then I was fine.  In the back of my mind I planned to make an appointment over the summer to get the darn gall bladder out.

Well, fast forward to last Wednesday night.  Hubby is always home late on Wednesdays.  He called and said he was bringing supper home and supper turned out to be fried chicken and onion rings.  I had one large breast and two onion rings and almost instantly I realized that they just didnt taste that good and I wasn't feeling so hot.  We ate late, at around 7pm and I went to bed kind of early because I just didn't feel myself.

By midnight I was en route to the closest ER with my husband driving, my groaning in the front seat, and my two kids bundled up and sleeping in the back of the car.  Hubs walked me into the ER and then went back out to stay with the kids.  We wanted to let them sleep instead of taking them into the hospital.

I was very quickly diagnosed with gallstones and pancreatitis.  WHAT?  I had not even thought that was a possibility, that pancreatitis.  Evidently one of the stones and gotten stuck in the duct between the pancreas and the gall bladder and my pancreas had "sludge" in it and was inflamed.  THe docs told me I was being admitted and I'd have that sucker out pretty quick.  I quick called my husband in the car and told him to take the kids home and back to bed.  I figured they wouldn't be doing surgery until the morning and by then we could have a relative come and stay with the baby while our daughter was at school.

Turns out, that my cardiologist wanted me to switch to the hospital he was at.  Made sense.  I have unique cardiac needs.  Let's just say, however, that the surgeon who was going to do it at the first hospital got his panties in a twist when he found that out.  What a conceited, rude doctor?  He came up and grilled me on why I would want to leave.  So glad I got out of there!

My husband took me over to the other hospital and I got settled in, only to be told that since it was now Friday morning surgery would not occur until Monday.  It was the weekend and they had to wait for my pancreas to heal up a bit.  Know what that meant?  Not only was I stuck in a hospital for days and days,  but it also meant I couldn't eat ANYTHING the entire time.  That's right, I had no food or liquid except ice chips for 5 days.  That was the worst part, that and my pancreas making me want to kill myself because the pain was so bad.  So bad in fact, that not even morphine could make it ease up all the way.

Now, you know my husband has anxiety issues.  There he was, with his wife in the hospital and two kids to take care of at home with a puppy.  He actually sent the two kids to my inlaws for the weekend. It still stunk because he wasn't there that much.  I know he had lots to do but my mom, dad, and sister took over staying with me.  I didn't mind for the most part, was just sad Hubs wasn't there.

I had my gall bladder removed yesterday.  I remember when I was being wheeled down, that my husband was still not there.  He had an appt at the VA to see his psych at 9am and with my surgery starting at 10 he had time to go.  Turns out, he was more nervous/anxious than we realized and he didn't make it back before I went into surgery.  He made it back before I was wheeled back into the room.  In fact, he had been there for 5 minutes when the phone rang to let the family know how I was and when my parents reached for the phone, he got a little p.o about it.  I saw both sides.  Really, my husband was the one who should have asnwered and gotten all the info, but he wasnt there and even though my parents understood, I think it was weird for them because all my other surgeries as a kid, it was them waiting for the call from the OR.  Oh well.....glad I was passed out and missed all that nonsense!  It's a blessing really, that so many people were there for me.

The surgery went well.  They did it laposcopically instead of cutting me open.  It's less invasive that way, but let me tell you, they are still pulling an organ out of you through a hole in your belly button.  OW!  I woke up in the recovery room in pain.  Later I felt much better and went without pain meds for quite a few hours.  Last night the pain got pretty bad, but a few oxycodone and it was better.

So that's it.  My gall bladder is gone.  I'm still sore and my stomach is still swollen from where they pumped gas into me to see the organs better.  I'm off work the rest of this week and then next week is spring break and i'm off 2 days after that is over because I can't go back until i see my followup appointment.    I have an extended spring break I guess.  Not how I wanted that to happen, but I'm hoping i feel better really soon.

My biggest problem is going to be the weight restriction.  I can't lift over 10 pounds for 6 weeks because I could very easily give myself a hernia.  Not a huge deal with my job, but I have a toddler.  He is not going to understand that I can't lift him up in or out of his crib, or have him climb  up on me.  My poor Hubs is going to have to be the one to do all that and I'm a little nervous.  I think he'll do great, but if the kids start acting up, I think my husband could get really snippy really fast.  However, maybe I'm wrong.  The week I was in the hospital, he did really well being the single parent.  So proud of him!

That's my story.  My pancreas is tender.  I tell you what, if you have gall bladder attacks, run, don't walk to a surgeon and get an appointment to get that sucker taken out.  I waited too long and as a result I didn't get to do it on my terms.


Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Stupid Groundhog got it WRONG.

I guess I really was sick and tired of being sick and tired.....I hadn't realized that it'd been over a month since I last blogged.  I think the winter blues have gotten to me a little.  I swear, this winter has been SO. INCREDIBLY. LOOOOOOONG.

The snow is driving me crazy.  Here it is the middle of March and tonight the high is 9 degrees.  That is insane.  Why do I live in the upper Midwest again?  Hopefully this is winter's last hurrah since spring arrives officially tomorrow.

Still waiting on grad school.  I got an email that I've been recommended for admission to the program, but I still need official admittance from the university.  I forgot to send in my final transcripts....oops.  I'm hoping now that I've mailed them in, that I'll hear soon.  Fingers crossed!

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

sick and tired of being sick....and tired

The new year has not been kind to me so far in terms of my health.  Nothing major, but I have had one thing after another go wrong since mid January.

  First, I got an oh-so-lovely sinus infection.   It started on a Wednesday and I made it through my work week but holy cow, I have not been that miserable in a long time.  The pressure alone was enough to drive me crazy and then adding onto that the congestion and then the drainage.....uck.  I went to urgent care but since my snot was clear and not green, they told me it was allergies.  I do not think so!  They gave me Flonase, which did absolutely jack crap for me.  Mucinex is what finally brought me some relief.

Got through that, the whole cold and sinus infection lasted about two weeks.  Then, last Wednesday I went to work with my tummy feeling a little queasy.  Again, I was a trooper and made it through the day but by the end of it, I was freezing cold and felt like I was going to lose it from either end at any time.  Got home, and didn't even make it to the toilet before I puked in the sink.  Last week was rough, Thursday morning Hubs got the same thing, and Thursday night baby boy got it.   We were a family swimming in germs.

Then, this morning, I woke up with a runny nose and cough.  SERIOUSLY?  I'm so tired of being sick.  I need a vacation to somewhere warm where I can nap in the sun and swim in the clear, warm ocean.  However, I don't see that happening anytime soon.  So, until then, I will continue to take my multivitamin and disinfect the house with Lysol.


Saturday, January 19, 2013

Playing the "what if" game

Do you ever stop and ask yourself "Is this really my life"?  And then after doing so, get depressed?  I don't allow myself to think What If  very much, but sometimes I do stop and wonder about how different our lives would be if PTSD had never entered the scene.

I'm pretty sure my husband would have stayed in the military.  He was a damn good NCO and I know he would have progressed up the ranks.  He had thoughts about becoming a warrant officer and I know that if he had pursued it, he would have excelled.   Both hubby and I like to travel, so it would have been interesting to move around every three years in the military.  I don't know if we would have lived on post, or maybe bought a house off-post somewhere.  Our kids would have been military brats and I would most likely still be teaching.  Moving every couple years would mean getting a new job for me, and teaching is portable.  Or maybe I would have become a stay-at-home mom.....I would have loved that.

Or, maybe after a couple years, the deployments would have gotten too hard.  Maybe Hubs would gotten out, or maybe retired early.  I try and imagine Hubs going to work every day in a suit and tie.  Part of me giggles out loud, because it has been YEARS since I've seen him in anything dressier than a sports coat and even that is so rare I don't remember the last time he wore one.  I close my eyes and imagine him leaving in the morning, kissing me goodbye and then coming home at the end of the day to dinner on the stove, almost ready and the kids playing quietly.  OK, maybe the kids playing quietly is a bit of a stretch.

Point is, I feel like i'm in mourning for the life we were supposed to have.  Is that bad?  If I start to feel bad for myself, even a little, Hubs tells me to stop feeling sorry for myself.  I get so mad because I am hurting too.  He has PTSD, but it's affected my life also.  I sure did not foresee this as my life.  The constant bickering, the worrying, the feeling of being inept at being able to help your partner.  I so badly want the white picket fence and the happy family life.  Why does it have to be so hard for us?  Is this some kind of test?  I sometimes tell Hubs that I feel like Job from the Bible.

Ok, enough, ENOUGH!  See, if I sit here and pine about my life, I'll get depressed.  I try to remain upbeat and I KNOW that there are so many people worse off than me, so I shouldn't complain.  However, I think sometimes you just have to vent otherwise you'll go crazy.  So that's what this was....a blog post about the "what if's".  But that's not my life, my life does have PTSD in it and we aren't in the military anymore.  My husband is unemployable and I do most of the work around here in child rearing and house keeping and that's just the way it is.

Friday, January 4, 2013

Applying to Grad School

I'm having a bit of a Peter Pan dilemma.  I have really struggled with answering the question "What do I want to be when I grow up?"   It took me what feels like forever in college to choose education as a major.  After I got my degree, it did not take me long to think about returning to school to get an advanced degree.  However, life happened that changed my plans.  I got married, got pregnant pretty much right away, and then moved around with the Army.  I kept telling myself that once we were settled somewhere long term, then I would start school again.

Well, crud.  Here it is 8+ years later and I haven't as much taken ONE class.  Let's be real, going to school is really expensive and I didn't want to drop a load of money, or go into debt for a degree I wasn't 100% sure I wanted to get.  Plus, I have a lot of interests.  Trying to pin one interest down over the others was difficult.  However, I finally decided I'm not getting any younger and I know that I don't want to teach again.  With that, I have to return to school.

I applied to the University of Wisconsin and I'm anxiously awaiting my letters of recommendation to come in.  I'm a little concerned because I've been sending reminder emails and updates and so far none of my 4 people who agreed to write one have submitted a letter yet.  Urgh!  I will keep reminding.  They only have one more week to write it, so COME ON PEOPLE!

I have to admit that I'm really nervous.  I know I would be really really good at the program, but if I don't get into the program, well.....I've put all my eggs in one basket.  If I don't get in, then I'm going to reevaluate and go from there.

Cross your fingers, please that I get in!!!