Do you ever stop and ask yourself "Is this really my life"? And then after doing so, get depressed? I don't allow myself to think What If very much, but sometimes I do stop and wonder about how different our lives would be if PTSD had never entered the scene.
I'm pretty sure my husband would have stayed in the military. He was a damn good NCO and I know he would have progressed up the ranks. He had thoughts about becoming a warrant officer and I know that if he had pursued it, he would have excelled. Both hubby and I like to travel, so it would have been interesting to move around every three years in the military. I don't know if we would have lived on post, or maybe bought a house off-post somewhere. Our kids would have been military brats and I would most likely still be teaching. Moving every couple years would mean getting a new job for me, and teaching is portable. Or maybe I would have become a stay-at-home mom.....I would have loved that.
Or, maybe after a couple years, the deployments would have gotten too hard. Maybe Hubs would gotten out, or maybe retired early. I try and imagine Hubs going to work every day in a suit and tie. Part of me giggles out loud, because it has been YEARS since I've seen him in anything dressier than a sports coat and even that is so rare I don't remember the last time he wore one. I close my eyes and imagine him leaving in the morning, kissing me goodbye and then coming home at the end of the day to dinner on the stove, almost ready and the kids playing quietly. OK, maybe the kids playing quietly is a bit of a stretch.
Point is, I feel like i'm in mourning for the life we were supposed to have. Is that bad? If I start to feel bad for myself, even a little, Hubs tells me to stop feeling sorry for myself. I get so mad because I am hurting too. He has PTSD, but it's affected my life also. I sure did not foresee this as my life. The constant bickering, the worrying, the feeling of being inept at being able to help your partner. I so badly want the white picket fence and the happy family life. Why does it have to be so hard for us? Is this some kind of test? I sometimes tell Hubs that I feel like Job from the Bible.
Ok, enough, ENOUGH! See, if I sit here and pine about my life, I'll get depressed. I try to remain upbeat and I KNOW that there are so many people worse off than me, so I shouldn't complain. However, I think sometimes you just have to vent otherwise you'll go crazy. So that's what this was....a blog post about the "what if's". But that's not my life, my life does have PTSD in it and we aren't in the military anymore. My husband is unemployable and I do most of the work around here in child rearing and house keeping and that's just the way it is.