Pages

Friday, September 28, 2012

Weekend away

Leaving, on a jet plane.  Don't know when I'll be back again....

OK, no.  Not really.  I'm actually leaving in a car and I'll be back Sunday morning.  And oh, by the way.....I'm ditching my family and leaving Hubs to fend for himself.

This weekend would have been my sister's wedding.  Yes, would have been.  Her fiancĂ© ended the engagement and relationship a few months ago, leaving her devastated in the short term but thankful in the long term because she realized it was for the best.  She's doing great, but she's mourning the loss of a wedding.  This weekend would have been all about her on her day.  Sooooo.....mom and I are taking her on a little Girls Weekend Away.  We're only going to be a few hours away, but I'm a little nervous about it because Hubs is going to be home alone with the children.

Hubs is a great dad.  He had his moments when our son was teeny tiny because he couldn't handle the colic and pretty much was a hands off dad.  However, he's come around and does a great job.  That said, he doesn't multi-task very well.  I'm not sure how it will go down when Junior needs a bottle or a bath and our daughter is bellowing that she needs food or a story read to her.   I can practically guarantee that the dishes will be piled up high when I come back and there will be a mess so my relaxing weekend will be spent Sunday cleaning up after my family.  

However,  I am choosing NOT to focus on that, because if I do I'm going to cause anxiety in myself.  Nope, instead I'm going to relax and have a good time.  I'm not sure what's on the agenda for the weekend.  We're going to a little town a ways away and I think the plan is to shop and eat and just relax.  I'm okay with that.  Frankly, there are other places I would have chosen to go but mom planned it all and well.....you can kind of tell a 60-some year old lady planned this.  Not very hip.   But, oh well.  I'm just going with the flow!

So, stay tuned for my next blog post for a rundown on how it goes and what kind of mess my kidlets and hubby get into while I'm gone.   







Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Top 10 Twitter reactions to Packers/Seahawks #MNF



10.  
Replacement refs doing the best they can. That's the problem. Sort of like President Obama.


The NFL owners have done the impossible. They have made Chicago Bears fans feel bad about the Green Bay Packers. 

Sorry guys. I thought there were a few more innings to play. 

I love this league and love the game of football, but tonight’s debacle hurts me greatly. This is NOT the league we’re supposed to represent


'What the f--- just happened?' 

The nfl needs to come to gb and apologize to us for fucking us! These refs r bums!

 C'MON MAN! Can't even be upset anymore. All I can do is laugh. Laugh at the  for allowing America's game to come this. WOW!

These games are a joke.

Got fucked by the refs.. Embarrassing. Thanks nfl

Fuck it NFL.. Fine me and use the money to pay the regular refs.


any others?  


Friday, September 21, 2012

The Aftermath

I'd love to report that since my last post, things have made a rapid turnaround and life was wonderful.  

It didn't and it's not.

Yesterday was no better.  Hubs was gone all day at the VA so we didn't see much of each other but in the.....maybe 2 hours we did spend in each other's company, we got into another argument.  He has this habit of leaving and not telling me where he's going.  Last night I told him I wanted to go buy a Bible for my study group because I had no idea where mine had gone.  He mentioned he had one downstairs somewhere.    But he never said he'd go get it and the downstairs storage area is a scary part of our basement where the lightbulb is burnt out and there are piles of crap everywhere.  

So, after the kids were in bed I just left.  Got in my car and went to Barnes and Noble and picked out a Bible.  I was gone maybe an hour tops.  I got home and he asked me where his Coke was.  He evidently texted me asking me to get him one, but I'd left my phone at home.    He told me since we were just doing what we want to do, he wouldn't worry anymore about just leaving.  I tried to tell him I was making a point, but it went right over his head and once again, bad me. bad me.

******

We did talk a little more.  He's doing some kind of deep therapy at the VA and it's bringing up a lot of stuff from a specific trauma he went through in Iraq.  Last night I told him he was mean and he said he knew he was.  I told him he enjoys being mean and he said he didnt' and then he gave me a notebook that he has where he wrote about the trauma.  

First off, I am all in favor of switching therapists there.  I'm not quite sure WHY they would have him do this deep shit and then drive home an hour.  I think if he does this kind of stuff he needs to be there to process it all.  I'm hoping he really does switch doctors and this isn't just talk.

Second of all, I'm sorry he went through that.  Believe me, just reading his journal entry made me feel like throwing up.  I can't imagine what it was like to have to be there.  

However:  We aren't the enemies.  I didn't do anything to him and I can't stand how he delights in being mean and cynical.  He honestly enjoys it.  He says he doesn't but I've seen the smile when he's being mean.  He enjoys hurting others.  That is what disgusts me.   

***

So yeah, life not so peachy right now.  I think we're just going to try and co-habitate together for the kids.  Maybe things will get better, but I can't wait around to see if they do.  I need to focus on what I can do, to help myself and my kids.  In the meantime, I'll try and stay out of Hurricane Hubs way!

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Done.

It's amazing to me how quickly things can turn ugly and how effortlessly he can point the blame at me.

Earlier I blogged about new siding and the new roof and windows.   Hubs and I decided TOGETHER that this needed to be done and we discussed PRIOR to signing a contract how we would pay for it.  Today the window dudes came and installed three new windows and a new sliding glass door.  I was at work for most of it, but came home as they were finishing up.  Hubs was laying in the bedroom uninvolved in the process.  I heard the foreman come and so I went and told Hubs to come out and he said he had already talked to him.   Okie dokie.


Well, I went out to say bye and the foreman told me that the guys hadn't rehung our blinds because they had been installed incorrectly before.  I wasn't suprised, the people who owned the home before us must have been on something when they did some of the stuff to this house.   He left and Hubs wandered out.  I told him about the blinds and he started swearing and telling me it was my fault because I didn't tell them to hang them up.  Never mind the fact that I told him to come out and he didn't.  It's amazing how I turn into the verbal whipping boy.

Hubs got pissy and quit talking.  I went to my Bible Study (my one sliver of peace in my evening) and came home around 9pm.  I walked in and saw that nothing had been put away and so I cleaned up the kitchen and went to take a bath.  Right before I'm getting in the tub he comes to the doorway and asks "what's your problem".

I hate that.  What's my problem?  Whats YOUR problem?  A few minutes ago he came in and told me i was being bitchy.  I got that he is now stressed about paying for all this.  He then got mad because I"m not stressed.  I just don't get it.  We talked about it, he assured me all was good, all will be good, all is good.  I didn't have much to say.  I knew whatever I would say he'd twist it around in his head so I didn't even bother.

Then he told me not to talk to him tomorrow.  So, as he was walking out of the bedroom I told him happy birthday because tomorrow is his birthday.  He must have thought i was being smart because he told me Fuck you.

If I'm honest with myself.....the love is gone.  I know it, he knows it.  It sucks so badly to be in a marriage where you feel degraded all the time.  Why don't I leave?  Scared I guess.  98% of the time our marriage is miserable.  Maybe I hold out for that 2%.  I don't know.  I guess I'm also scared about how I would provide for my kids as a single mom.  I'd figure it out, but we wouldn't be able to keep the house, and I'd be financially ruined.  My daughter does not adjust to change well at all, so moving her again would be devestating for her.  She needs consistency.

So what do I do?  I guess.....I need to just focus on me and the kids.  I can't change him.  I can't make him happy, he can't make me happy so I'll focus on making myself happy and finding peace within myself.  

I'm going to go cry now.

Transformations!

There's a lot of work going on here around the ole homestead.

We bought our house a little over a year ago.  The outside was painted Cedar planks painted a yucky shade of grey.  To top it off, there were vertical planks going up at some points a la 1980's.   I tolerated that, but what really drove me insane was the fact that none of the windows in our great room opened....a fact we didn't realize until after we bought it.  They were original windows and they were large, but painted shut and no screens or anything in them.  It was a real pity because on the other wall, was a sliding glass door that unfortunately did not open easily.  At. All.   The few times we've opened it, my husband has had to really use a lot of force to get it open and then it takes a lot of effort and sweat to get it closed again.  That one also did not have screens.

Well, we decided enough was enough!  We have been in transformation mode around here.  First, the nasty grey cedar siding was ripped off and we now have a beautiful red aluminum siding that looks like wood but isn't.  It makes our house pop and we've already had lots of compliments from neighbors who have walked by and seen the work in progress.  Today the window guys showed up early and are installing new windows and a sliding glass door in our great room right now, as I type.

YAHOO!!!

Seriously, I am so excited to be able to open the window and slide open the door and get a nice cross-breeze.  That room always got so hot in the summers and cold in the winter.  The last straw for me was when our neighbors came over for a BBQ over the summer and she came in with her infant son who is only a few weeks younger than mine and she had to leave because it was so hot in there.  It was embarrassing and it wasn't even that warm outside.....it was just the nature of the room.

Besides the house work going on, I'm also trying to do some work on myself.  I did end up signing up for a small group at church and our first time meeting is tonight.  I know the group leader and I'm hoping to make some new friends and get to know God a little better.    I'm not a "holier-than-thou" type person but I think spirituality is important to help you get through in life.  I don't know where I'd be without the Big Man upstairs.

So, lots of action going on!  I need to end this post though, because I'm off to work in a few minutes.  Thankfully, I like my job.  The hardest part is actually leaving because I want to stay and cuddle with my baby, but once I'm there it goes fast.  Watch, now that I said that today will probably drag and be horrible!  Haha, hope not!


Sunday, September 9, 2012

Small Groups

  Sometimes you're in the right place, at the right time and you hear exactly what you need to hear. That happened today for me.

  My family and I have somewhat of a September-May relationship with church.  As in, we start going in September when Sunday School starts and ends in May when Sunday school is over.  We don't go much, if at all, in the summer months.  Well, today was Rally Sunday and the start of Sunday School again and so I was in church again today.

I had several "ah-ha" moments.  First, a friend of mine spoke about Small Groups starting up.  She explained how she had gone through a lot of things in her life without small groups, but two years ago she joined one and shortly after her infant son passed away.  She knew the Holy Spirit was there, gently guiding her to that Small Group because it was those women that she turned to first in her time of need.  Had she not gone, she never would have met them, and wouldn't have had the support of them during that most difficult time.

Then, the sermon talked about opening yourself up to God.  At the very end, the pastor talked about not missing the gifts God shows us every day.  Then, "if most of your interactions are online or on Facebook instead of in person you're missing something".  That hit home.  Most of my interactions ARE on Facebook.  I don't have many friends at all.  My husband's PTSD issues have sucked a lot out of me and for years I've been cocooned up, just trying to focus on my family and keep us going.   As a result, many friendships have suffered and died.  I really, REALLY want and need friends.  I need girlfriends to call up and talk to.  I looked in my phone the other day at my contacts.  It was sad.....I have like 2 friends in there, the rest are family and I don't remember the last time I phoned those friends.

I need to make myself more available and be a friend to get a friend.  I need to open myself up to the gifts out there and look at things in a more positive light.  I'm not kidding myself.....My husband still has major issues, my marriage is still sucky, and my life is chaotic and not so happy.  However, I can choose to look at things in a different light.  I can choose to make myself more available to friends, to give more to the world.  

For starters, I'm going to join a Small Group at church.  I'll figure out child care, but I'm committing.  Also, I'm going to get out of my comfort zone and reach out to others.  I'm not the only one who has worries and stress and troubles.    I need to remember that, and see how I can help others.  I think by doing so, others will help me.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

School, stress, and bank accounts

Yeseterday was the first day of school for kids here in Wisconsin.  Some people out of state are amazed that our kids start so late.  I personally like the late start.  Summer officially ends with Labor Day so it's nice to go back after that last hurrah to summer.  I will admit, however, that come the end of May, beginning of June when i start reading Facebook statuses about last days of school and my kids still have 3 weeks to go:  Then I get a little jealous and woe the late start.  However, in reality, I live in the upper midwest and it doesn't even get really hot until July so why not stay in school and start later in the fall.

Anyway, yesterday was the first day of first grade for my Munchkin and the first day of a new job for me.  I was a little stressed getting her up, lunch in the backpack and out the door.  I go to work around lunchtime so it would have been nice to clean up the house a bit, or have a few minutes of peace and quiet with my cup o' joe.  However, as soon as the bus pulled away I had another stressor to deal with.  I had to go to the bank.

My mother in law had been Hubby's Representative Payee for his social security.  One day she called me up and said she didn't want to do it anymore.  No big deal.  We went to Social Security and switched it over to me.  All I had left to do was go to the bank and open the checking account for him.  My mother in law told Hubs all she needed was the Social Security check.   Not so, Not so.

I went to the bank and first of all, the twat lady didn't know what the hell I was talking about.  

"It's like a custodial account, for my husband"

"We only do custodial accounts til age 18"

"I just need an account he isn't on"

"So a joint account"

This is when I started mentally hitting my head on the wall.  THe lady was clueless.  Then she told me she needed court papers documenting this.  What?  I left and phoned the Hubs to tell him the bad news.  Wow.  He did not take it well.  He yelled.  A lot.   When I got home he was surprised I was quiet and upset.   I explained that it wasn't my fault and I'm tired of being his verbal punching bag. 

Long story short, I had a good cry on his shoulder and went back that afternoon with the paperwork I needed from Social Security.  A sarcastic thanks a lot to my MIL for not telling me everything I needed.  The lady still didn't have a clue and I'm a little doubtful that my checks will come out the right way, but we'll see.  Something tells me I should start shopping around for a better bank. 

The rest of the day was good, thank goodness.  Munchkin enjoyed her first day of 1st Grade.  I saw her in the hall, talking a way in line.  She didn't see me though.  I enjoyed my first day.  I spend the first two hours with kindergarten working with some students with pretty severe needs.  Holy cow, they tired me out both mentally and physically.  The last two hours I go to the upper elementary grades to help another student 1:1.  That was nice.  I bet there will be some days with that student but yesterday was easy peasy.


Monday, September 3, 2012

iPad goes splat

Well.....we don't have an iPad anymore.   My daughter was obsessed with it, spending all her time on it playing silly, stupid apps.  Hubs and I monitored her usage and we would put it up high but the little stinker would climb up and get it down.  In my defense, originally she was only to play educational games on it.  

Well, over the past 2 days she went on an app marathon totaling up.....get ready..........over $1000 in charges for apps such as "gems", "pet world" and "garden".    Yes....over a grand on these things.  We're not even sure how the hell she did that.  Hubs caught it at first and took the code off the credit card and contacted Apple who agreed to take off $450 of the original $500 purchases she made.   We had a long talk with her and thought all was good.  Nope.  She got ahold of it again and purchased $600 in apps.  The apps she purchased, many were $50 apps so it escalated quickly.  I don't know how she did it because the security code was off the credit card.  Between you and me, I don't know why he didn't take the ENTIRE credit card info off....but it's sometimes hard to rationalize his thinking.  So, Hubs cannot call Apple back and say "oopsie, please refund these charges too!"   So, our darling daughter is in the dog house and we are stuck paying all that money.    When Hubs found out about the second time, he went bezerk and ended up smashing the iPad to smithereens on the floor.  Yeah.....mature, right?  Once again, he said he "saw red" and his thinking was that if he destroyed the iPad then there would be no way she could do it again.     Ahhhh, PTSD strikes again.   Act first, think later......

Soooo, now we are without an iPad.  The only real bummer (besides the fact that iPads are expensive and that was a dumb thing to do) is that I used the Kindle app a lot on there and ALL my books were on that thing.  I don't want another iPad, our daughter is obviously addicted to technology and even without the credit card info on there at all, I'm over it.....the only time she is using a computer now is at school or when she's older to write reports!  However, I do miss reading my books on the Kindle app.  My birthday is in a few months, Hubs talked last night about getting me a new Kindle or a Nook from Barnes and Noble.  That might be nice.   Does anyone have either of those?  Which do you prefer?

As for our daughter, she is learning the lesson of a dollar.  No NOTHING for a long, long time.  Yikes!