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Friday, March 30, 2012

My new baby

When I graduated college I bought my first car.  It was a Ford Escape, red, with a moonroof and a 6 change CD player.  Maybe it was the fact that my hard earned money went into the purchase of the car, maybe it was the snazzy red color, the zippiness of it, the cute factor.....Whatever it was....I was in love with that car.  Well, a few years later we PCS'd to Ft Carson, Colorado.  My husband loves to car shop (what man doesn't I guess) and at the time, he was really heavy into Jeeps.  He had a Wrangler and hated Fords.  He took me to a dealer to "browse" and asked if I wanted a new car.

Do I want a new car?????  Well sure, honey bunny.  It was foreign to me to just wake up one day and decide to make a major purchase like that.  My dad is the king of Consumer Reports and in our household growing up, a purchase like that would take weeks, if not months, of researching.  So when my hubby asked me if I wanted one, the answer was yes.  That day I drove home a 2007 Jeep Grand Cherokee.

I never really liked it.  Once the newness wore off, I regretted trading in my beloved Escape.  The Cherokee had no moonroof, a single CD player, and cloth seats.  But, it was a hearty vehicle.  Trust me, that thing was driven cross country, been in accidents, dinged, etc and it just kept going.  However, I worked hard to pay it off early and I just figured I would drive it until it died.  However, it is up in miles.  and it is not fun to drive.....it's practical.

My husband goes through cars like some people go through changes in underwear.  In the 8 years we've been together he's gone through...I think 5-6 cars.  I've gone through 2.    It's kind of annoying how he trades in cars at the drop of a hat.  His latest toy is a Challenger and I told him he is not getting another car for a LONG TIME.  I hate the Challenger.  It's not family friendly.  Case in point, we all drove in it yesterday for the first time and putting the kids in the back seats was a pain.

My car is the designated family car.  Lately I'd been thinking about getting a minivan.  It suited my practicalness with the amount of seats and I'd been looking at Town and Country with the leather seats and the dvd screens in the back.  But there's just something about driving a minivan.  My mom still drives a minivan.  I'm not a soccer mom yet.  Part of me said to get a sedan because they get better gas mileage.

This week we randomly decided to drive through some lots.  We looked at the Town and Country but before we did....we stopped at Volkswagen to look at the Passats.  While there I saw it.  She was beautiful and I loved it.

2012 Volkswagon Tiguan

I love her so much.  I sat in it and said this is it.  I love the sporty feel of it and it's quite zippy.  There's actually a lot of head room in it and man oh man, I love the panoramic moonroof that goes all the way back.  It has (gasp) heated seats.  Man oh man, i'm in heaven.   The only thing lacking is the cargo room in the trunk.  But, with my Jeep Cherokee, the trunk just became a place to put more crap so this is a way to monitor my habit of stashing crap in the trunk instead of taking it into the house. 

So there ya go, my new baby.  I'm not so happy with having a car payment again, but this fits me way better than the Jeep Cherokee ever did.




Thursday, March 29, 2012

Approved for Caregiver status!

Last Thursday I had the in home assessment.  I blogged about it, so feel free to read up on my experience.  Anyway, Friday I contacted my coordinator just to ask what the time frame would look like to hear the status on approval.  He told me he was in the middle of writing my approval letter.  Wow, that was fast!  Monday morning I received a packet in the mail that said I was approved and it had information for direct deposit into my checking account.

So, I encourage you to look into the Caregiver program if your spouse is disabled from Post 9/11 combat.


Monday, March 26, 2012

Laundry is not a dirty word

I hate laundry.  For 2 adults, a child and an infant, we have quite the load of dirty clothes.  Every time I have to attack that dreaded chore, I cringe a bit inside.

It seems that laundry is the never-ending chore.  No matter how hard I try, I cannot get caught up.  About the time I get all of the loads washed and folded and put away, a new pile awaits me.  Never.  Ending.

I don't actually mind the washing part.  We have a laundry chute that our clothes go down and ends up in the basement.  The only clothes that don't go down are the kids clothes.  Each child has their own laundry basket in their room and it's not much to lug those down to the basement either.  Sometimes our daughter's clothes end up down the chute also, so it's really just the baby's clothes that are kept separate and the only reason for that is the fact that his clothes get washed in Dreft.

I hate that moment that I open up cabinets to the bottom of the laundry chute.  I open them and there's usually a pile of clothes waiting for me.  A pile, so high, that towers up into the chute above it.  I have to be very careful pulling out the clothes, because one false move and the whole pile will come raining down on me in an avalanche of dirty clothes.   Sigh.

I'm not much for sorting the clothes.  I usually gather as many as i can and shove them in the washer.  We have a high efficiency and I can cram a lot in there.  The only snafu with this method is my husband's nasty habit.   He smokes and for some God-only-knows-reason, he shoves the cigarette butts in his pants pockets.  He says its so he doesn't litter.  I call it flat out laziness.  He is home 80% of the time and we do own trashcans.   I've tried rebelling and telling him I'm not doing his laundry unless he cleans out his pockets, but since he doesn't care if he stays in the same clothes for days at a time, this didn't really work.  So my sorting also consists of digging into his pockets and pulling out butts and tossing them in the trash.  Then my hands smell like nasty cigarettes.  Ew. Ew. Ew.

The part I hate the most about doing laundry?  It's the actual sorting and putting away once they're clean.  I'm the only one who seems to know how to do this job too.  I tell ya, I'm a real one-woman-machine here.  By the time I've sorted, and cleaned pockets and washed and also taken care of the baby and Hubs in between washings, I'm beat.  I end up piling the cleaned clothes onto beds where they stay for days until I get them put away.  Or, I tend to dump them into a clean laundry basket until I get to putting them away.  Problem is, I tend to not do that very quickly and by the time I do, the cycle has started all over again.

Never. Ending.

Maybe someday the Laundry Fairy will come visit me and take over this chore.  Or maybe someday my husband will actually take initiative and start doing the laundry himself.

I think I have a better chance of the Fairy coming.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Caregiver Assessment

Recently I applied to become my husband's official Caregiver through the VA.  Click here to read about the program.  It's a newer program designed to offer support and official recognition of those who care for our wounded warriors.  There are benefits involved, including medical insurance if you don't already have it, counseling, and a monthly stipend.  Since I resigned from my job to stay home to care for my husband, this benefit was especially appealing.

So far, the process has been painless.  We applied and have a coordinator at the local VA who has helped with answering questions about the process and letting me know what to expect.  I've finished up the online training and today was our in-home assessment.  The assessment made me a little nervous, because I wasn't sure what to expect.  Turns out, it was also painless and quick.

A nurse came over this morning to do the assessment.  She sat down with me and asked me a series of questions covering a variety of topics.  Some didn't apply to me (wound care, foley care....my husband has no physical injuries) but some did.  At first, she spoke to me by myself but then I called up Hubs from the basement because it was easier for her to see him herself to answer questions.  For instance, one question was if he had an ambulatory needs.  Watching him walk into the room without any help answered that one, for example.

After she talked to us together, Hubs went back downstairs while I answered some questions alone.  It was a burden scale, to see how big of a burden I felt caring for him.  I hated that part.  The scale went something like "rarely, sometimes, most of the time, always" and I answered most of them with sometimes.  Yes, sometimes I am stressed.  Sometimes I do feel like it's all on me.  She told me I got a 7 and one more point would have put me at being "stressed".  I don't know how I feel about that.  I explained some days are stressful, some days not that bad.  Thus, sometimes.  Had I gotten into the "stressed" range, I don't know what that would have meant.

The visit was short.  She was here about a half hour tops.  I had my house cleaned yesterday just so everything would be fresh and sparkly for her visit, and she didn't even leave the living room.  Oh well, at least my house is clean.  I recommend writing down the things you do for your veteran beforehand.  I did and it was nice to be able to refer to my list.  I actually didn't realize what all I do for my husband until I started writing it down.  The bonus was at the end, she took the paper with her to refer to so I'm glad I did it.  Just a suggestion if you apply.

The nurse said she'd see me in 3 months, so guess that's a good sign.  I asked what was next in the process and she said she'd give all the data to the coordinator and he'd be in touch with me via a phone call.  I dont think it will take that much longer to get it all nailed down.  I think am going to get something.  I already took the caregiver training and I can't see them having me do that unless I qualified for something.

Any other questions let me know.  I'll keep you updated on the conclusion of this process.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

I'm the outgoing one now?!?

My husband's PTSD has made me more social in general.  That in itself is crazy because I have always been very shy.  All through school I was really quiet, so much so that some people thought I was stuck up.  No, I wasn't.....just shy and very self-consious.

My husband was the exact opposite.  He was very boisterous and outgoing.   In college he knew everyone and everyone knew him.  When I met him, he still was quick to smile and joke and was still outgoing.

However, the demons have slowly stolen that from him.  He has withdrawn into himself so much that the outgoing person that was my husband is not really there anymore.  He would be perfectly happy to not interact with anyone or go out really at all.  It's strange because I've always been the kind of homebody who has that one person to confide in and that's it.  So, it's quite ironic that I ended up being the more outgoing of the two of us.

I try my best to get him out and about and make some sort of connections with people.  Most of the time he bitches about going out and there are times he just flat out refuses to go. Sometimes his refusal puts me in an awkward spot with our friends.  For example, this morning our neighbors texted me to invite us over for a BBQ tonight.  Both Hubs and I get along really well with them so I said yes.  He wasn't very happy with me for that:

"Why do you make plans without asking me first?"   Because, I thought, if I conferred with him first about stuff like this he would 95% of the time say no.  Anyway, I had said yes and then he was against going.  So then I had to text her back and tell her that the kids and I would be there, but he was actually going to be home watching the NIT tournament.

I know, kinda lame, but true.  Anyway, 5pm came and we walked over to the neighbors bearing my gift of chocolate chip cookies as my contribution to the BBQ.  Hubs was just finishing up the game.  After about 20 minutes the neighbors asked about him.  In fact, they offered to put the game on at their house.  So I tromped back over to ask the Hubs.  He told me he didnt want to go.

It sucks, I gotta say.  I had to go back over there and tell them sorry, my husband just doesnt want to come over.  I could have lied, but I gave up covering for him awhile ago.  I just tell the truth now, in as nice a way as possible.

"He has had a bad day all day.  I'm really sorry, but he isn't going to come over.  He's feeling anti-social"

They understood.  They know he has PTSD from the war, but it still sucks.  What should have been a fun family time with the nice neighbors once again turned into me and the kids.  I'm a little bitter about that.  I know I shouldn't be, but I am.  We're a family, dammit.  And why wouldn't you want to go next door and have some burgers?  That's all it was!  We were back home in an hour.

Argh.  So frustrating.  Can't believe I'm the more outgoing one now.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Migraine

So I woke up with a slight headache this morning that soon turned into a full blown migraine. I hadn't had one that bad in a long time. Unfortunately Hubs went to the VA all day so he was gone. My mom comes over once a week to tidy up (I'm not a slob, but she cleans way better than I) and today was her day. The baby slept for two hours and do did I but even the nap did not touch the headache

Hubs called after his appointment and offered to bring me home some Excedrine Migraine and a Starbucks. The coffee drink is actually in the freezer because I about puked drinking it. I love those things so that's a testament on how sick I was.

Finally I am starting to feel a little better. My earlier blog post was about how Hubs wasn't involved but I tell you when it really matters he steps up. He has been out there handling the kids and he took care of me. He does care in his own way.

Thank you migraine, for reminding me.

Separate beds, separate lives?

I hate that we sleep in separate beds.  It's been this way since we got back together after our separation, so.....almost 2 years now?  2 years of sleeping by myself, on my side of a king size bed.  Sometimes I wonder why I don't spread out.  Why I don't sleep at a diagonal to take up all the space I can since he's not there.

Because that's his spot.  Even after all this time apart, I never take over the whole bed.  I guess maybe subconsciously, I'm hoping every night he'll come to bed.....our bed.  But, in reality, he hardly ever does.  Occasionally if I make him feel bad enough or pout enough he'll come for a night or two.  But really, why should I be practically begging him to sleep next to me?  Shouldn't he WANT to sleep by me.

He has his excuses reasons.  He says he has trouble going to sleep at night so he watches TV in the living room and then falls asleep.  He also says he is afraid that during a nightmare, he'll wake up and somehow hurt me or maybe kill me in my sleep.

Whatever.

First of all, we used to have a TV in our bedroom and he still never came to bed.  Second, he's never hurt me or acted out while I was sleeping.  It's just excuses he uses to push me further away.  In fact, the other night we had an argument and he said something about leading separate lives.  Truth of the matter is, we are pretty much doing that already.  He sleeps by himself, eats by himself 80% of the time, doesn't go out with us to do stuff unless I plead.  He doesn't help with homework with A or help at all with C unless I put the baby in his arms and say "here".

I'm tired of it all.  I'll never divorce him unless he put the kids in danger (which he never has), but I get the feeling he'd be much, much happier if he could just go do his own thing and never deal with us again.  In fact, he's pretty much said that all he wants is to be left alone.

So what do I do?  Keep trying in the hopes that someday he'll reach out and give me some affection?  That maybe one day more than a passing glimmer of the old Hubs will come through?  I miss having a husband, a best friend.  I miss having someone ask me how it's going, or to give me a hug or rub my shoulders when I'm stressed.  I may be married, but I don't have a husband.  I have a roommate.


Thursday, March 15, 2012

The School Bus Dash

Every morning I am amazed that I get our daughter on the bus in time.

It's no small feat.  She has one speed these days, and it's sloooooow.   I've tried getting her up 15 minutes earlier, but she adjusts for that and seems to go into extra pokey those days.  It drives me crazy, yet she is unfazed by it all, even with her mother bellowing at her to hurry up.

Daughter is 6 and in Kindergarten.  She gets up an hour before the bus comes.  Should be plenty of time, right?  I do make her take a shower in the mornings.  We used to do it at night but she has horrible bed head and doesn't like me brushing her hair.  It was a power struggle most mornings (when we don't have time!!!!) and she often ended up going to school looking like a little ragamuffin with her hair.  So, we implemented the morning shower routine.

It theory, it works out lovely.  She hops in the shower, I take the dog out and lay out her breakfast while she's in there and we end up with lots of time.  However, it never works that way.  For starters, she LOVES to take a long shower.  I am constantly in there, "hurry up, the bus is coming" and "2 more minutes".  After the two minutes I've been known to turn off the shower, but the little bugger turns it right back on or has a headful of shampoo.  It doesn't matter how much I prompt, or yell, or harp.....she goes her own speed.

The shower ends up taking the most time, but eating breakfast is another time waster.  She eats her cereal so slowly!  I've tried other foods to hurry her along.  Foods like poptarts, toast; but she eats them all with the same slow pace.

The end result is me usually grabbing her arm and hauling her into the bathroom with 5 minutes to go before the bus is due, to brush her hair while she brushes her teeth.  Then I drag her into the living room and she jams on her shoes and complains about putting on a coat (it's not summer yet, and YES you still need a coat.  I don't care what xxx mother says or what xxx does, you're wearing one!)  Lastly, I kiss her on the head and boot her out the door just as the school bus is pulling up.

It exhausts me every day.  Although we haven't missed the bus yet, I know it's coming.  And I dread it.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

2nd marriages after KIA

I was reading the latest entry on a blog I follow.  If you want a really good blog on military spouse-hood and the realities of being a military widow, I suggest reading it.  A Little Pink in a World of Camo is written by a lady whose husband passed away overseas.  It is touching, funny, thought-provoking and emotional all at the same time.  Anyway, the latest entry was about the anniversary of her husband's death.  It was pretty emotional to read, as she remembered the knock at the door and discussed that morning.

Rachel is dating again.  It sounds like she's doing well and has met a great guy.  After I read her blog, I started thinking and wondering about the boyfriends and spouses of widows.  These have to be special guys.  I think of a wonderful lady I know whose husband served with mine.  He passed away early on in the war and she was pregnant at the time with their third child.  His widow went on to marry again and they have a child of their own now, as well as the three from her first marriage.

Is it hard for these guys?  They wouldn't be together if war hadn't torn the first husband away.  I would think they'd have to be some of the most understanding, unselfish people on earth.  I know our friend, when Osama Bin Laden was killed she got pretty emotional and posted pictures on her facebook of her husband's gravesite.  How does the 2nd husband deal with that?   Was it hard to watch his wife cry about her first love?  Does he feel weird when her first husband's accomplishments are touted to their children?

Even boyfriends.....Is it difficult to date a widow?  Are they afraid they'll be compared to the first husband/boyfriend?

Just thinking out loud I guess.  And so grateful that there ARE so many men/women who can be that strong to marry the widow of a soldier.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

off the meat wagon

The last few days have been really stressful.  We had all that drama with the psycho troop leader and then Hubs and I had an argument.  And that was just through Tuesday!   But, the drama and stress was not done yet!


Yesterday Hubs left to go get more work on his tattoo sleeve (I hate tats, but what can ya do?).  Our daughter wasn't home yet and it was just me, the baby, and our dog.  It was pretty nice out, and I decided to walk the dog across the road to get the mail.  I went there, realized Hubs had already got it, and walked back.  I went back in the house and put the dog back in her crate so I could concentrate on the baby.  Not even 30 seconds after I put her in the crate the doorbell rang.


I really thought about not answering it, but I wondered if it was the neighbor.  If only I had not answered!  Oye!  At the door was a guy.  He was one of those dudes that drives a meat truck around.  Yes, a meat truck.  I know what you're thinking: 

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The guy explained that he had been in the neighborhood and was trying to sell the last bit in his truck so he could get home to his kids and take them to the park.  Again, had I really taken a step back I would have realized that this was no good and told him to buzz off.  However, I got sucked in.  The guy showed me the meat, explained how great a deal it was, and how he'd throw in a box of seafood.  

I tried to call the Hubs, but he had his phone off.  (Damn tattoo appointment, otherwise he would have been there and this would have been avoided).  I knew that Hubs liked to grill out, and it was nice out, and I felt bad for the guy who just wanted to get home to his kids.  Sooooo, I fell for it.

I bought two cases for $400.00.   I hauled it in and really, even before the truck was out of the drive I was second guessing myself.  What had I just done???  But, I thought that this would at least last us for months and month.  I tried to call Hubs several times and left both voicemails and text messages.  

Needless to say, it did not go over well.  Hubs was PISSED OFF.  Not only did he explain that I got ripped off, but he kept reminding me what he could have bought for that amount of money.  I felt bad enough, but with him harping about it all night long, I really felt like crap.  Worse, I looked up the company and it had super bad reviews and the Better Business Bureau even said it was out of business!  I was convinced I had just been swindled and I didn't even want to eat any of the meat anymore.  Who knew where it came from?

I was up all night worrying.  Hubs kept me up pretty much til 3 in the morning bitching to me about it.  Then he'd say, "it's not your fault" but then he would dive right back into what a crap deal it was.  

It was a long night.

This morning as soon as my kid was on the school bus I called the local number on the receipt.  I was so bummed out and pissed at myself.  As I dialed the number, I was more than half convinced that it would be disconnected or something.

However, I will say that the customer service was excellent.  A guy answered right away and I explained that my husband did not like the selection and we wanted to send it back.  No questions asked, he said he'd have Tom, the customer service rep call that afternoon and take care of me.  Tom ended up calling two hours later.  Turns out, he was going to be out our way within the hour and he'd pick up all the meat and seafood.

Hallellujah!!!

The guy did come (about 90 minutes later) and boxed up all the meat that I had had to unbox to fit in my freezer.    He handed Hubs our check and that was that.  

I have learned a valuable lesson.  Don't be so quick to trust someone.  Never make large purchases, even in good faith, without talking to your spouse, and, above all else....Don't buy meat off a truck!


Tuesday, March 6, 2012

barely holding on

"Dont know if I'll make it, but watch how good I fake it"


Its getting to me --- this way of living.  I've got to be the strong one.  Keep up appearances of a happy life for my kids.  So often im crying on the inside, but smiling on the outside.   If i just keep pretending, then its not real.   But in reality, the truth is hard to ignore.


His depression causes me anxiety.  I walk on tip toes around him to avoid confrontations.  I snap at the kids and at him because my patience is running low.  I give and give and i'm running on fumes.


But at the same time, i try to be perky to friends.  I pretend everything's fine because thats easier than admitting its not fine.


Marriage shouldnt be this hard.  I know he cant help it.  His PTSD is awful.  I keep out the hope he will get better and appreciate what he has.  His brain injury has changed him.   I keep hoping the cloud will lift and the man i fell in love with will be there.   He's in there somewhere, buried deep.


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Monday, March 5, 2012

Crazy Psycho Troop Leader

The nastiness with the troop leader continued.

I did all I could to rectify the situation.  I contacted the classroom teacher, the other child's mom who had been CC'd, and BOTH said it was blown out of proportion.  I decided to let it go, keep daughter in the troop and just hope that this lady gets on meds or something soon.

Well, that didn't happen.  She sent a half-assed email to me saying she had watched our girls play at school and "maybe" I had been right, that maybe it was normal kid stuff.  The following sentence said, "most of it".  Then she said she hoped we could move forward.  I didn't respond, just grateful things were calming down.

Today she emails me that I haven't been replying so maybe I'd thought about transferring my daughter to another troop.  I replied no, she was staying put.  At the same time, my husband sent his own email to her.

I know, I know......you let a guy with frustration issues email some lady?  To be fair, his email was short, but to the point.  In it, he told the troop leader to not email me or him anymore.  He emailed that we werent moving our daughter unless she became a problem in scouts and that personal emails would not be acknowledged.  He also said that the only problem seemed to lay with her, because the other student's mom and the teacher had not issues.

So what does this whack-a-doo do?  She fires back to Hubs that "How DARE you disrespect me".  She also emailed me that Hubs had threatened her and so we were going to have no contact until she could sort it out with Girl Scouts and the school.


What. The. Heck.


To make a long story somewhat shorter, Hubs called the Girl Scout council and left a message then when the lady called back we explained the situation and she said we could switch troops.  She gave us the names of other troops and I contacted one and the lady is super sweet.  I'm so thankful to have found another troop.  It's a bit more inconvenient because they meet at this lady's house and not at school.  Oh well.  Small price to pay for peace of mind.

I did email this troop leader one last time, to let her know that our daughter would be switching troops and that we had been in contact with the Girl Scouts.  This crazy lady responds that she had already been in contact to get rid of our daughter because she couldn't possibly work with the parents.  She also said that I am NEVER to text, email, or phone her again and to stay away from her and her family at the Girl Scout event this Saturday.

Wow.  Just wow.  I have met some people who lacked grace and tact before, but this lady takes the cake.  I do feel bad that my daughter's friendship with this little girl is basically doomed because we cant get along but dang it.....WE didnt do anything.  I am about ready to post all the emails on here so y'all can read it and see I was about as diplomatic and respectful and tactful as you can get.




So long iphone

I loved my iphone.  It was sleek, really easy to use and fun.  I loved the apps for it; I was practically addicted to facebook on it.  However, the carrier we used for our beloved iphones doesn't have 4G and when my husband's buddy was down for the funeral, they did a speed test and his 4G was faster than our home network.

So, goodbye to that carrier.  The new carrier has iphones also, but we ended up going with Droids.  Hubby went off to get them on his own while I stayed home and manned the fort.  He came home with a Droid Bionic and a Razor for himself.  I like my droid, but it's so darn confusing!  My iphone was so easy to navigate; one button on the whole phone so not that hard to figure out!  The droid makes me want to rip my hair out.

I could go back to the iphone on the new carrier, but Hubs tells me the droid has so many more features and things to do, that I'm going to suck it up.  I think once I get used to it and mess with it awhile, it should be okay.

Anyone else have a droid?  Whatcha think about it?

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Miss the life

I was cruising Facebook this morning while feeding the baby and saw pictures a friend took of their recent PCS to California. There were some comments posted about how beautiful it was; one person commented on the openness of the area. She also posted a picture of her housing area.

Looking at them, I got a little nostalgic. I had met her back when our husbands were stationed in Colorado. We had been neighbors and we got along well. Only a year after living there, however, Hubs got medically separated and eventually medically retired. We packed up, moved back to the Midwest, and said adios to military life.

Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if PTSD had never entered it. I'm sure Hubby would still be in the Army. He was brilliant at his job and well respected by his men. I don't know where we'd be living, but we'd have moved several times by now; raising Army brats and living the military life.

I miss it. I miss seeing new places, meeting new people. I miss being woke up by the bugle at sunrise (ok, maybe not that). I miss the life.

My husband always is talking about traveling or moving to different places. He makes fun that I'm happy in our small Midwestern town. What he doesn't realize is that I would love to travel. I'd love to have new adventures and meet new people and try new things. That's one of the best parts of the life we had....seeing the world. However, PTSD changed that. PTSD is so sporadic and unknown. I never know what the day will bring. Will he be happy, depressed? What will set him off? In the everyday life of instability, I need some stability. My kids need stability. He needs stability. And so, we live here in a fairly nice home with good neighbors in a safe town with family not too far away.

But secretly, I miss our past life so much.