Friday, March 16, 2012

Separate beds, separate lives?

I hate that we sleep in separate beds.  It's been this way since we got back together after our separation, so.....almost 2 years now?  2 years of sleeping by myself, on my side of a king size bed.  Sometimes I wonder why I don't spread out.  Why I don't sleep at a diagonal to take up all the space I can since he's not there.

Because that's his spot.  Even after all this time apart, I never take over the whole bed.  I guess maybe subconsciously, I'm hoping every night he'll come to bed.....our bed.  But, in reality, he hardly ever does.  Occasionally if I make him feel bad enough or pout enough he'll come for a night or two.  But really, why should I be practically begging him to sleep next to me?  Shouldn't he WANT to sleep by me.

He has his excuses reasons.  He says he has trouble going to sleep at night so he watches TV in the living room and then falls asleep.  He also says he is afraid that during a nightmare, he'll wake up and somehow hurt me or maybe kill me in my sleep.


First of all, we used to have a TV in our bedroom and he still never came to bed.  Second, he's never hurt me or acted out while I was sleeping.  It's just excuses he uses to push me further away.  In fact, the other night we had an argument and he said something about leading separate lives.  Truth of the matter is, we are pretty much doing that already.  He sleeps by himself, eats by himself 80% of the time, doesn't go out with us to do stuff unless I plead.  He doesn't help with homework with A or help at all with C unless I put the baby in his arms and say "here".

I'm tired of it all.  I'll never divorce him unless he put the kids in danger (which he never has), but I get the feeling he'd be much, much happier if he could just go do his own thing and never deal with us again.  In fact, he's pretty much said that all he wants is to be left alone.

So what do I do?  Keep trying in the hopes that someday he'll reach out and give me some affection?  That maybe one day more than a passing glimmer of the old Hubs will come through?  I miss having a husband, a best friend.  I miss having someone ask me how it's going, or to give me a hug or rub my shoulders when I'm stressed.  I may be married, but I don't have a husband.  I have a roommate.

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