Late night/Early morning

Here it is.....4:15 in the morning and I'm wide awake.  It's becoming a nasty habit, this staying up til all hours of the morning.  It started the night before last with a really bad migraine.  I had taken our daughter to see Frozen and after we came home I noticed a bit of a headache creeping in.  I figured it was the usual holiday headache.  I don't know about you, but holidays usually bring about a headache at one point or another.  I think it's because I want the holidays to be perfect and I try too hard.  Eventually the stress gets to me.

Anyway, I laid down with a slight headache and when I woke up about an hour later, it was a full blown migraine.  I ended up sleeping on the cold floor in our very small bathroom next to the toilet.  I felt like my head was going to explode out of my eye socket.  If you are unlucky enough to experience bad headaches, you know what I mean by that.  Anyway, I was in there on the floor for hours.  Hubs came in after I'd been in there for awhile bringing me two excedrine migraine pills and some pepsi to take it with.  I was so thankful!  I was able to lay back down and sleep well and when I woke up at about 1am the migraine was much better.  Only problem was, then I was wide awake and I stayed awake until about 5am.

The next day, Thanksgiving,  Hubs and the kids left to go to my inlaws and they left EARLY so he could be there in time to watch the Packers on tv.  I was going to go, I really was.  Hubs took one look at me and told me to stay.  I got some much needed sleep and tackled a massive paper that is due on Monday for class.  However, I missed out on all the yummy food and family times which was a bummer.  My Thanksgiving meal consisted of Snickers ice cream, some taco dip and Pepsi.

So here it is, late at night or early in the morning, depending on how you look at it.  I cannot sleep.  I fell asleep earlier on the couch and woke up around 2am and now I'm up.   This is not a good cycle I want to get into.....Monday morning that alarm clock is going to be going off and it's going to be tough for me, I can tell already.

So why can't I sleep?  Maybe too much going through my head these days.  My mind is filled with all the things on my to-do list.  Things like:  getting out all the Christmas decorations, finding a tree, finishing up my paper, making sure Hubby gets to his appointments this week, making sure my daughter gets to her OT appointments.  Then I'm worried about how she's doing.   Is she adjusting well, will this OT help with her issues?  What about my son?  He still isn't talking much and the speech path will be here this coming week to help him.  Is he making progress?  I just want my 2 year old to talk!  I can't wait to hear him say "i love you"

I need to remember to breathe.  I can't do everything at once and I need to remember that.  It's hard though.  Maybe I'm up this late because it's the only time I can really process things without being interrupted.  I don't know. 

Sleep......come to me

Small Groups

  Sometimes you're in the right place, at the right time and you hear exactly what you need to hear. That happened today for me.

  My family and I have somewhat of a September-May relationship with church.  As in, we start going in September when Sunday School starts and ends in May when Sunday school is over.  We don't go much, if at all, in the summer months.  Well, today was Rally Sunday and the start of Sunday School again and so I was in church again today.

I had several "ah-ha" moments.  First, a friend of mine spoke about Small Groups starting up.  She explained how she had gone through a lot of things in her life without small groups, but two years ago she joined one and shortly after her infant son passed away.  She knew the Holy Spirit was there, gently guiding her to that Small Group because it was those women that she turned to first in her time of need.  Had she not gone, she never would have met them, and wouldn't have had the support of them during that most difficult time.

Then, the sermon talked about opening yourself up to God.  At the very end, the pastor talked about not missing the gifts God shows us every day.  Then, "if most of your interactions are online or on Facebook instead of in person you're missing something".  That hit home.  Most of my interactions ARE on Facebook.  I don't have many friends at all.  My husband's PTSD issues have sucked a lot out of me and for years I've been cocooned up, just trying to focus on my family and keep us going.   As a result, many friendships have suffered and died.  I really, REALLY want and need friends.  I need girlfriends to call up and talk to.  I looked in my phone the other day at my contacts.  It was sad.....I have like 2 friends in there, the rest are family and I don't remember the last time I phoned those friends.

I need to make myself more available and be a friend to get a friend.  I need to open myself up to the gifts out there and look at things in a more positive light.  I'm not kidding myself.....My husband still has major issues, my marriage is still sucky, and my life is chaotic and not so happy.  However, I can choose to look at things in a different light.  I can choose to make myself more available to friends, to give more to the world.  

For starters, I'm going to join a Small Group at church.  I'll figure out child care, but I'm committing.  Also, I'm going to get out of my comfort zone and reach out to others.  I'm not the only one who has worries and stress and troubles.    I need to remember that, and see how I can help others.  I think by doing so, others will help me.

The Dirty Girl Run

Today I was a Dirty Girl.

Last May I heard about the Dirty Girl Mud Run.  It's a 5K non-timed run that involves obstacles, fun and lots and LOTS of mud.  I had just started my whole "I'm-going-to-be-healthier" kick, I signed up hoping and thinking that by the time August rolled around, I'd be svelte and in tip-top shape.  Well, I'm definitely not svelte and while I'm in better shape than I was, I'm still not what I would call, athletic.  However, I was really excited for today to get here.

The Dirty Girl Mud Run benefits the National Breast Cancer Foundation.  A small portion of each registration fee goes to that Foundation.  It's also a fun obstacle course where women can dress up in costumes, there's music, food afterwards, and lots of fun.  I found out about it through the mom's group at my church.  They wanted to put together a team and I was all in.  However, I ended up texting a friend about it, because I knew that she did a lot of marathons and 5K's.  She was all in, and asked me to be on her team with some of her coworkers.  Sooooo, I ended up going with them and not my fellow moms.  MISTAKE.

This morning I saw on Facebook that this friend had posted that she wasn't going to do the run because she had the "beginnings of a summer cold".  Are you freaking for real?  It annoyed me further because she evidently let the other girls on the team know, but not me or my sister (who is also her friend and on the team).  Oh well, wasn't going to let it get to me.  If she didn't want to participate, it's her loss not mine.    At the end of the race, we showered and we couldn't find her afterwards.  I texted her and she texted back that she was already on the freeway.  Argh.....she left with the two other girls and worse, she had our freaking tickets for our FREE BEER in her pockets.  Next year, I'm not messing with that....going back to my moms group!

Ok, the actual race was fun.  I am not a runner by any stretch of the imagination.  I started out by jogging to the first obstacle, but even that made me tired.  I did the obstacle though, it was this blow up mountain thing that I had to climb up and then bounce down the other side.  After that, my back started hurting.  Afterwards, I told my dad and he told me it was because I am out of shape.  Whatever!  It felt like when I had gallbladder attacks, so I was not going to take any chances on having a gall bladder attack in the middle of this race.  Therefore, I walked the 5K.

The great thing is that this run was for all ability levels so it was untimed and I didn't feel bad walking.  The rest of my so-called team took off and I saw them occasionally way ahead of me.  Other than that, my sister would run to the next obstacle, go through it, and then wait for me.  I appreciated that.  Another reason I'm ditching teams next year.  Who leaves your teammate behind?

I liked most of the obstacles.  There was a few that sucked.  One in particular was a large wall you had to scale.  I admit, I went around....the back and all.   There were quite a few areas where you had to army crawl through mud under ropes.  My sis and I had fun with those!  At one point we were slapping mud on each other's ass and laughing so hard as we got up from it.  Another I really liked had like 5 tubes you had to crawl through, again in the mud.

The second to last obstacle sucked.  It was a really long army crawl underneath a really low net.  The problem was that there were rocks and pebbles underneath the mud.  Crawling on your knees hurt like a bitch.  Army crawling more on your belly was fine, but took forever.  That was by far the most painful.

I would definitely do it again.  I'd switch teams to one that was more focused on team-comradory and I'd want to make sure I am in a little better shape.  Other than that, I loved it.  I recommend doing it.  I think of all the crap I've been through with the PTSD in my husband, the marital issues, the kid issues, financial stress.....and to be able to leave all that behind, even if only for an afternoon, and run and do this stuff for me.....to say I did it.....that was an awesome feeling.

I did it!!!