Here it is.....4:15 in the morning and I'm wide awake. It's becoming a nasty habit, this staying up til all hours of the morning. It started the night before last with a really bad migraine. I had taken our daughter to see Frozen and after we came home I noticed a bit of a headache creeping in. I figured it was the usual holiday headache. I don't know about you, but holidays usually bring about a headache at one point or another. I think it's because I want the holidays to be perfect and I try too hard. Eventually the stress gets to me.
Anyway, I laid down with a slight headache and when I woke up about an hour later, it was a full blown migraine. I ended up sleeping on the cold floor in our very small bathroom next to the toilet. I felt like my head was going to explode out of my eye socket. If you are unlucky enough to experience bad headaches, you know what I mean by that. Anyway, I was in there on the floor for hours. Hubs came in after I'd been in there for awhile bringing me two excedrine migraine pills and some pepsi to take it with. I was so thankful! I was able to lay back down and sleep well and when I woke up at about 1am the migraine was much better. Only problem was, then I was wide awake and I stayed awake until about 5am.
The next day, Thanksgiving, Hubs and the kids left to go to my inlaws and they left EARLY so he could be there in time to watch the Packers on tv. I was going to go, I really was. Hubs took one look at me and told me to stay. I got some much needed sleep and tackled a massive paper that is due on Monday for class. However, I missed out on all the yummy food and family times which was a bummer. My Thanksgiving meal consisted of Snickers ice cream, some taco dip and Pepsi.
So here it is, late at night or early in the morning, depending on how you look at it. I cannot sleep. I fell asleep earlier on the couch and woke up around 2am and now I'm up. This is not a good cycle I want to get into.....Monday morning that alarm clock is going to be going off and it's going to be tough for me, I can tell already.
So why can't I sleep? Maybe too much going through my head these days. My mind is filled with all the things on my to-do list. Things like: getting out all the Christmas decorations, finding a tree, finishing up my paper, making sure Hubby gets to his appointments this week, making sure my daughter gets to her OT appointments. Then I'm worried about how she's doing. Is she adjusting well, will this OT help with her issues? What about my son? He still isn't talking much and the speech path will be here this coming week to help him. Is he making progress? I just want my 2 year old to talk! I can't wait to hear him say "i love you"
I need to remember to breathe. I can't do everything at once and I need to remember that. It's hard though. Maybe I'm up this late because it's the only time I can really process things without being interrupted. I don't know.
Sleep......come to me
Just found your blog after reading your article PTSD: A View into Our House on Brainline Military. Its like you were writing about my husband and our household. I read almost your entire blog in one sitting and I don't ever read blogs. The similiarites are just too unbelievable. I knew my husband had a TBI but I think PTSD must be a part of his ongoing issues and anger cyclical anger episodes. Im so sorry you are experiencing what I am but am so glad to see I am not the only one experiencing the grief for what once was and what was supposed to be for our family, the humiliation of the angry episodes, and the fear for my 2 girls and what this is doing to them. Thanks for putting it all out there.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you found me and so sorry to hear of your husband's troubles. I am glad that by reading my blog, you realize you're not alone. There are definitely many other caregivers that feel like you and me. Take care.
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