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Tuesday, December 31, 2013

End of year post

Well, here it is…..6pm on New Year's Eve and I'm lounging at home with my family.  We have no plans to go out.  Are you kidding?  With the crowds and the drunk drivers on the road we hardly ever go out on New Years Eve.  However, Hubby just had his gall bladder out the day after Christmas so even if we were up to going out, he's not up to going out.

2013 hasn't been the worst year nor has it been the best.  We've definitely had our fair share of heartaches in the year as well as some nice moments.  I can only hope that this next year is better than this year.  My little brother is getting married in 2015, Hubby is getting his C&P for Permanent and Total, I'll still in grad school, and who knows what else.

May the new year bring you peace and love.

Monday, December 23, 2013

Understanding

This has definitely been a very trying time of year for us--- for him.  It always is, every year.  However, he finally let down his walls this past week and let me in.  I know, as I have known all along, that his anger is his defense mechanism that flares up when he feels upset.  He very rarely shows sadness or fear to me.  Anger is almost always the predominant emotion and that can, and does, cause a lot of tension and frustration between us. 
This past week he let me in.  He cried on my shoulder, he talked to me about his traumas instead of shutting me out, and he let me help him.  I felt like we were partners again and not strangers or enemies living in a house together.  I wish it could be like that more often.  If he would let me in and allow me to be there for him, I think we'd have a much better relationship.  Instead, he tries to act tough and keep things from me because he doesn't want to hurt me or expose me to his pain.  What he doesn't realize is that yes, the things that he has gone through and what he has to deal with on a daily basis are horrific, but they don't have the same hold on me that they do on him.   He could lean more on me and let me share his stress or take it away.  Ironically, by trying to protect me and keep me from his pain by acting out in anger, he ends up hurting me more with his outbursts and anger.  

I need to hang on to these moments and remember that underneath the mean words and sarcastic, biting comments, is someone who is hurting and in pain.  Let me be clear, it's not okay to be nasty and Lord knows, he needs to work on communicating better and thinking about what he's going to say before he blurts out horrible things.  That being said, I can work on things too and try to be more understanding.  I do vent frustrations and lately I've gotten pretty despondent and bitter about how things have been going.  I need to take time for myself in a healthy way.   

Bottom line, I need to make sure to take time for my own mental health. I can't help him if I'm not in a good spot.  Hubby needs to take time and think before he acts and let me in instead of keeping me away.  I'd love to say that this is going to happen right away but let's be real.  He has had PTSD for 10 years and we're still trying to figure it all out.  I don't have all the answers and neither does he.  

What works for you?  What doesn't?


  

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Tis the season...

I'm so stressed out.  This time of year should be fun, but instead it leaves me tired, depressed and stressed.

In fact, this entire Fall has been awful.  Our daughter has had some really difficult issues to work through these last few months. I think we *finally* are at a place with her in her treatment that is a good place to be.  She's gained weight, seems happier, and overall is doing much better. It definitely took its toll on Hubs and I thought.  When she was at her worst, Hubs couldn't stand t be around her so I did a lot of it solo.

This time of year is also hard because there are lots of anniversaries for my husband.  While he admits he has never been a huge Christmas nut, ever since he got out of the service, he has shown little excitement for the season. He tries, for the kids, to be happy and cheerful. If it were up to him, however, he would stay in our basement from about Halloween until February.  Christmas is my favorite time of year, or it used to be…..I try hard not to let his depression be contagious and zap my holiday spirit.  It's hard though.

To top it all of, Hubs recently put in for his Permanent and Total since he's 100% and it's been over five years since he was discharged. This, however, has added even more stress to him. For instance, today he freaked out because he realized that his paperwork was wrong. He had used a service officer to submit it. When he found out the guy screwed up, he went ballistic.  He had me call but he refused to talk to them so with me being the go-between he wasn't satisfied with the answers. He then went over the guy's head to the top.  His service officer called Hubs back and oh…guess what…..not that big a deal. He'd fix it.

I guess that's the part I'm so frustrated about personally.  Hubby has no patience at all. He takes any bit of information and flies off the handle with it.  It's not just the paperwork, it's everything.  Kids act up, he can't handle it.  Someone says one little thing to make him mad, he yells at them.  His temper is awful lately.

I'm hoping and praying this most recent bout of PTSD anger gets over quickly.  I feel awful for him.  He has panic attacks daily now and he's so miserable.  I pray for peace for him and for us as this Christmas season arrives.