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Monday, April 30, 2012

Ow, my bum!

Since I've become a full-time SAHM almost 7 months ago, I've noticed that my physique is not quite as *ahem* firm as it used to be.  I've still got the rolls on the stomach from the c-section, and my legs are permanently stuck together, no space between there!  I've been tired, and just plain blah.  Plus, it's just so easy to graze all day on food being at home.

Well, an acquaintance of mine from high school posted on Facebook (Don't ya love Facebook!!) about her business program through BeachBody.  If you don't know what Beach Body is, you're not alone.  I'd heard a little in passing about the craze that revolves around P90x, but had no idea the scope of the entire network.  Anyway, thanks to her, I've started one of the 30 day challenges.  I'm still waiting on my kid to arrive (I ordered it last Tuesday....the start date is tomorrow....damn!) but in the meantime, I went On Demand and DVR'd a fitness workout.

This morning I did it while my Lil Peanut was playing happily on his tummy mat.  It was 45 minutes long and I hate to say it, but I fast forwarded through quite a bit of it.  However, I did do the first 20 minutes which was the leg work.  I had to grip the back of the couch, lean back and stick one leg up behind me and lift, pause, lift, pause....you get the idea.  When I first started, I thought to myself "this is dumb, this isn't doing anything".  Ha!  I soon felt the burn.

Well, I got done, and went on my way with the rest of my day.  Tonight though, my butt is kind of sore.  Ok, really sore.  Am I that out of shape?  Or was that routine really that decent that it worked those muscles?  Probably a little of both.  Either way, I have to say that the pain feels good.  It reminds me that I did something today, pushed myself today.....if even just a little bit.

I'm really looking forward to this 30 Day Challenge.  I'm sure I'll be mentioning it again in the days to come.  As for now, i'm taking my sore ass off to bed, g'night!


This could be it?

The weekend had started off nicely.  Hubs came home Friday and he had even got us presents from the PX.  I asked him what was the occasion and it was a "just because".  He got some scented lotion for our daughter (she loves smelly lotiony stuff) and for me a gift set of Philosophy's Amazing Grace.

He got our daughter to play soccer that night in her game and it was a nice night in all.  In fact, it was a nice weekend.....Until Saturday night when he started in again on how he feels trapped here in Wisconsin.  How he might not come home right away after he gets done with his treatment.  What the hell am I supposed to think when he says that crap?  He's told me this so many times, finally I just told him look, if you're not happy then this isn't the life for you.

Sunday morning he refused to get up to go watch our daughter sing in church.  That was the final straw.  Seriously?  She doesn't do it very often.  Church starts at 10:45.....it's not like you have to get up early or anything.  I told him when I got back he better be gone.  And, he was.

He sent me texts about how he didnt know what he'd done but he was sorry and he was going to quit smoking, and be a family man.  I loved that he was trying, but I knew that he was just telling me what I wanted to hear.  In the end, that wasn't going to help us.  I'm tired of him feeling "trapped".  I asked him what he meant by that, and he said it was mainly the house ownership.  I get that, that owning a house can be scary.  And we bought a "vintage" house, so it's got some updating to do.  Looking back, we rushed into buying this house because i was super pregnant and we wanted to get settled.  I love my neighborhood, but maybe this house wasnt the right one.  Regardless, we're here now and we've got to make it work!

Anyway, I just kept telling him to think long and hard about what he wants.  I'm not moving anytime soon.  I want my kids to get some roots and feel settled, I want to be settled.  If he can't handle the American Dream of house ownership and raising a family, then I don't want him to do it.    I genuinely want him to be happy, and more so....I want me to be happy and our kids to be happy and well-adjusted.  We can't be happy if he's always bellowing and griping about how he hates it here with us.  I tried to make that point to Hubs, but instead he told me "I know where this is going, I'll leave"

Sigh.  I don't know what to say that I haven't said already.  I just don't know anymore.  I love him and always will but I want all of us to be happy.  I'm happy here, why can't he be?


Wednesday, April 25, 2012

stressed.

Ok, I am stressed.


I've tried hard to keep up a good front the last few weeks.  I've tried to be optimistic about the treatment Hubs is getting at the VA.  I spun it into a good thing.....How with him being gone for 6 weeks I will have peace and quiet and be able to run the ship my way.  


It's starting to get to me.  It just seems like there's always something.  When he's home I feel like we spend a good majority of the time doing nothing in particular.  No commitments, we just go with the flow.  Well, since he's been gone, I feel like all I've done is run here and run there and put out one fire after another.  It's not that it's been hard....it's just been never-ending.  


The last few days have been especially stressful.  Our daughter started soccer, which I love, but that means taking her to practice and a game 2x a week.  It's been cold and overcast the last two times, and it wouldn't be a big deal, but without Hubs, I have to take the baby and it's freezing out.  Today it's supposed to be rainy and the high is only supposed to be 40 degrees, so I am secretly hoping that her practice gets canceled.


There was also the bunny situation.  Having to coordinate having someone come over and watch the kids so I could take her to the humane society wasn't a big deal, but ever since our daughter has been crying for her rabbit back.  The rabbit she never paid any attention to she now wants back.  That's not happening, but listening to her cry and whine about it is taxing.


She also had another episode of wetting the bed and the baby boy is teething.  Yesterday he had massive diahrea.  I hope it's teething anyway, and not the flu.  And now this morning, the bathtub faucet broke.


It is small stuff, but it's adding up.  Plus, I don't feel like Hubs is supporting me at all.  When he was home this past weekend, I told him I really wanted to talk to him on the phone while he's gone.  He told me he's tired at the end of the day but dammit, so am I!!  I thought after our conversation that the communication would be better.  Instead, I've heard nothing since he left except a text Monday to tell me he didn't want to come home this weekend but he wanted me to schlep the kids down there so we could do something close by down there.


I'm doing the best I can, but damn, this shit's getting old.  All I want to do is crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head and not have to deal with the world.  But, I can't do that.  My kids rely on me and my dog and cat would kill each other without my supervision.


But really, this sucks.



This week is kinda sucking, gotta say

I'm so over this week and it's only halfway through.  


It started off okay until yesterday.  I got the daughter up 15 minutes early and guess what?  She missed the freaking bus.  I was so mad, livid is a good word to use to describe how pissed off I was.  I think it was the fact that I got her up EARLY and she still piddled around.  I kept telling her to hurry up and counting down til the bus came.  We were so close.  All she had to do was slide on her shoes and run out the front door and she would have made it.  Unfortunately, she did not put her shoes away the night before and I hadn't been home at the time to look where she had thrown them.  So, as a result, an extra minute was spent hunting up shoes.  I found a pair of black mary janes in the kitchen and tossed them at her telling her to hurry.  Just then, I heard the distinctive roar of the engine coming up the hill.  Too late.


To say she got an earful is an understatement.  




Then, this morning I again got her up 15 minutes early.  She takes a shower in the am because otherwise her hair is crazy and she wants to be Ms. Independent and brush it herself.  If she does that she often goes to school looking like a lost child with bushy hair.  Anyway, got her up, went in to start the shower.  Realized then that the little screw that makes it go from coming out the spout to coming out the shower head had broken.  This wasted precious minutes.  Finally after trying with no luck for about 5 minutes she went and took a shower in the other bathroom.


She still barely made it on the bus.  I got her out there at 7:47 and the bus comes at 7:50.  I shut the door behind her and breathed a sigh of relief until I heard her at the door.  "Mom, where's my gloves?  My hands are cold"


Shit.  she usually has a pair in her backpack but she must have chucked those somewhere too.  I opened the door and threw her thicker coat at her with pockets (she was wearing a rain coat because it's supposed to rain all day).  


"RUUUUUNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!"  I bellowed at her, and just then the bus made the corner.  She took off and BARELY made it.  


I need a drink, and i'm not even a drinker.



Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Missed it

It's happened.  She missed the bus.  Missed it on the day I got her up 15 minutes EARLY!




AAARRRRGHHH!!



Monday, April 23, 2012

Just call me Beluga



I am now almost 7 months postpartum.  Last night I was down in the basement doing laundry and saw the scale down there in the corner.  I made the mistake of getting on the darn thing.

WHAT?  Still 10 pounds heavier than I was before I got pregnant.  I know that this is not a huge deal, but I was annoyed.  I've kept 10 pounds from each pregnancy I've had so I'm 20 pounds heavier than I used to be.  I know, boo hoo to you.  I'm not saying I'm fat, but I had thought I was looking okay.  I definitely thought my weight was gone, just redistributed.

Then this morning I grabbed a pair of jeans that I've worn several times since having my baby.  The ugly truth set in.....I could hardly get the snap done.  I did manage to lock it into place and when I stood looking in my full length mirror I shuddered.  I had muffin top.

Muffin Top: taken from Urban dictionary.com:



When a woman wears a pair of tight jeans that makes her flab spill out over the waistband, just like the top of a muffin sits over the edge of the paper case.


Crap, crap, crap.  It really upset me.

I can't complain to my family.  I'm what you'd call "petite" or "small framed".  Okay, so I'm delicate.  That does not mean I can't have some fat on me.  My sister struggles with her weight and if I even so much mention that I'd like to firm up or tone up, she gets defensive and yells at me because "you're so small".  Look, clothes can hide a lot.  That's all I'm saying.

Even now, I'm sitting here at the desk with my button undone on the jeans because it was digging into my post c-section pooch.

Enough is enough.  I went to Walmart with el nino to get some stuff.  We all know I'm a die-hard Pepsi drinker.  I got lemonade mix instead to drink.  Okay, i did end up getting Pepsi too.  I figured I'd wean myself off.  I only have 2 a day, but now i'm going for one a day.  Baby steps, baby steps.

My friend from high school also is a coach on Team Beachbody.  She's been looking for a new fitness group and I think I'm going to take the plunge and try it.  Maybe with someone checking in on me, I'll be more faithful to exercise routines.

Crap, I just realized that the lemonade mix calls for sugar to be added.  That's not going to be helpful is it?  Maybe I should just stick with Pepsi.  Wow.....Something tells me this new dedication to fitness may not last long!



Paging Jimmy Buffett

I came to the realization the other night that I'm a bit of a fuddy-duddy.

When the hell did this happen?  I've always been a bit reserved and shy....it's just my personality.  However, I did like to have a good time and I think I was fun to be around.

The other night I was driving home in my new car and realized my husband had left it on Sirius radio.  The station was Margaritaville.  I started singing along with the song and soon the moonroof came up and I was flat out jamming.  All too soon, I was home and I hurried and got inside the house to take over the parenting duties before Hubs got stressed.

I started thinking.....I need more Jimmy Buffett -Margaritaville moments in my life.  Life is serious too often and Lord knows, I've got a lot on my plate.  But I need to remember to embrace my inner Jimmy and learn to kick back, put my feet up and remember to smell the coconut rum.


I'm not sure how I'm going to do this because I tend to be very serious.  I am the one that's in charge of the kids, making sure everyone gets to where they need to be at the right time.  I'm the driver, the cook, the maid, the executive, the therapist, the repairman, the doctor, all rolled into one.  It's overwhelming sometimes.  However, this is going to be my new goal.  

If anyone has any ideas or anything that helps them rewind and de-stress, please leave a comment!

Saturday, April 21, 2012

soccer mom

I am now a soccer mom.

Growing up, in my tiny little town, soccer was not one of the choices of rec sports.  Pretty much, when I was her age, the choice was T-ball or nothing.  I did try T-ball.  My dad loves baseball and played it all the way through school so it was in my genes.

Not.

I stunk at it.  I did manage to make it through T-ball to Coach pitch softball.  Yes, the coach is the one that throws the softball to the players. Anyway, I remember standing behind the coach so I couldn't see the ball.  Yes, stupid on my part.  Well, the girl at bat nailed that ball, the coach jumped out of the way and I got bashed in the chin by the softball.  I remember my dad coming and carrying me off the field.  That was the end of sports for me.

Our daughter tried T-ball too.  I felt it was kind of a right of passage in youth.  After all, baseball is America's pastime.  Well, she liked it about as well as I did.  After last season I told her she didn't have to play it anymore, she had tried.  Which brought the question of what now?  Even though I was not sporty at all, I value what sports can do for a kid.  Boost the confidence, great exercise, team socializing, etc.  So, i was happy that she kept going back to wanting to try soccer.

This was her first week.  Practice on Wednesday was brutal.  Some of these kids have been playing since the womb, I think.  You could tell there were some very serious players out there.  Out daughter has no experience with soccer except for what she has done in PE class.  She was so excited though!  She chased that ball and did all the warmups and stuff.  The last half of practice they had a little mini scrimmage.  She did pretty good.  Afterwards she fell down, exhausted, onto the grass.  "I am so exhausted and hot, but that was so. much. fun!"

Last night was her first game.  Her dad was in a snit about something and I told him if he was going to be a turd, don't even bother coming home for the weekend.  I didn't want to sour her first experience.  But, he came and was decent.  It was frickin freezing out.  The in-laws drove up to watch and my mother-in-law ended up staying in the car with the baby because she was cold.  Our kid got nailed in the face with a soccer ball before the game even started.  I blame the coach.  He had them doing drills to kick the ball into the net, and she was getting her ball after kicking it and some kid kicked it and she got it right in the face.  I was afraid her nose had broke.  It didn't help that with the cold, things hurt more.  But, no blood, no broken teeth and her nose wasn't broke so back in she went!  She was a little skittish the game and didnt want to get too close to the ball after getting hit like that.  But, I think she is a natural!

So there ya go, I'm a soccer mom.  I just need the minivan to go with it.  Oh wait, no minivan.  Not quite ready for that!

Monday, April 16, 2012

Clogged - a tale of poo

I knew today might bea tad rough. It's the first day back for our daughter after Spring break and Hubs is back in his unit so I knew this morning might be a little....challenging. Well, it was. On top of the usual Monday morning craziness, the toilet got clogged. No big deal, right? Wrong. That incident ended up taking an entire morning to fix.

 Once I got her on the bus I grabbed our plunger and tried again to break it up. Honestly, I don't know how it got clogged. Maybe TMI, but it wasn't a bad bowel movement and minimal TP was used. I feel the need to put that tidbit of info in because maybe some of you are wondering the same thing my husband was when I called him to complain: "what did you do to clog it so bad". The answer is nothing. I did nothing to clog it so it shouldn't have been an issue. Our plunger was worthless. After about 20 minutes of trying to use it, I gave up. I took a shower and headed off to Walmart. I wanted a heavy duty plunger. All they had were the crappy plungers I already had and this:



I didn't think it looked like much but it was all they had so I took it.  After hauling the baby back into the car (in the rain, no less!) and driving home, I was more than ready to get this thing cleaned out and get on with my day.  I took that brand new plunger and.....no luck.  It went down a little but not much.  

I was getting pissy.  I had had plans today and running around town getting devices to unclog my toilet was not on the list.  But, leaving it grossed me out so I ran back out, this time to Ace Hardware, and got another, different plunger.  This one was top of the line, but it still looked eerily familiar to my original plunger.  Only this one was black and bigger.  On a whim, I also grabbed some drainer that was "guaranteed" to unclog toilets in 15 minutes.  Plus, it was made in America.  How could I go wrong??

By this time my baby was getting cranky, I was hungry myself, and I desperately needed a Pepsi.  I stuck a Nuk in his mouth to satisfy him for a few minutes and tried the new plunger.  Still nothing!  What the hell???  So i decided to try the drainer.  It was labeled caustic and had a warning to use gloves.  Did I have gloves?  Nope.   I had images of having butterfingers and dropping the stupid bottle and giving myself 3rd degree burns.  I carefully poured some in and let it sit the 15 minutes.  While it was doing it's magic, I fed the baby and got him back to bed for his nap. (yes, that much time had passed already).

The directions told me to flush after the 15 minutes but when I did what little the water had lowered filled right back up to the brim again.  I tried one more time, same results.

By this time I was starting to panic.  I really did not have it in the budget to get a plumber.  My neighbor happens to be a plumber, but he wasn't home.  So, I called my daddy.  He said he had a snake and would come over after work.  "You sure it's not a toy or something?"

Oooh, i sure hope not.  

While waiting I kept trying with the plunger.  I plunged for literally, hours.  My hands got red and hurt. Finally I tried again with that one from Walmart and....

IT WORKED!!!


Hallelujah, praise God.  I have never been that happy to hear a toilet whoosh.  I even flushed 3 more times after that just to make sure it wasn't some fluke.  I hurried and texted my dad who congratulated me on doing it by myself and being independent.  Yeah, that's right, who needs a man?  Not me! (Although, if i'd had one, this could have ended a lot sooner, what with their brute strength and all).

So there ya have it.  Ace eat your heart out.  My little plastic, cheap looking plunger from Walmart worked.  I unclogged the toilet and it only took......5 hours.

Yikes.


Sunday, April 15, 2012

Highs and lows - week in review

I've thought a lot about what exactly to blog about tonight. This week has had some incredible news, both good and bad. There's been highs and lows and I was thinking about which to focus on. Then, I decided I could write a blog on it all because isn't that what life is? A mish-mash of highs and lows? So, here ya go: The highs of course, dealt with Hubs. He had a great week in his residential PTSD unit. After discussing a particularly nasty trauma in group, the feedback from other veterans helped him to realize some things and he reached some peace with that trauma. I was ecstatic. He came home Friday night for the weekend. I was a bit nervous because I wasn't sure how he'd be. Turns out, we had a nice weekend together. Friday night we went to a surprise birthday party for my soon-to-be brother-in-law. Hubs generally hates parties and I wasn't too sure that he'd go. He did end up going, however, and *gasp* had a decent time! He was actually pleasant all weekend. The lows of the week were tragic. Monday morning the sister of one of Hubs friends was killed by a drunk driver. Then Tuesday night the brother of a high school classmate passed away from cancer. Both of them left a spouse and young children. My heart breaks for all of them and I can't stop thinking about the families and how while my family has experienced triumphs this week, others have experienced tragedy. Just a reminder to myself and anyone reading this, that you never know what someone is going through at a particular moment and we all just need to be kind to one another.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Breakthrough

  I got a phone call today from the Hubs.  They are few and far between when he's gone.  He's never been a big talker on the phone so I try not to take it personally.  Anyway, he called and said he'd had his trauma today in group and he'd been worrying about it all week.  I knew without asking what trauma he talked about:  The one that's haunted him the most....the death of his LT.  He has taken the blame for that death since it happened, even though it was in no way his fault.  I've tried telling him that, doctors, therapists, heck even the LT's widow told him it hadn't been his fault, but he never believed us.    Today he told me, he knew it wasn't his fault.

I was so incredibly happy hearing those words come out of his mouth.  I think a big part of his PTSD has rested with that incident and the blame he has been placing upon himself.  He told me that he felt like a weight had been lifted off of him and honestly, I almost started crying.  Finally, he gets it.  Finally, he can be at peace with himself.


I was curious of course to know what magical words of wisdom had finally gotten through to him.  He told me it was when the other veterans in his group began talking to him about it and explaining things that Hubs hadn't thought of before.  How it had been an ambush, how there is nothing he could have done to change what happened.  Hubs probably saved lives that day.

Hallelujah.  I mean that whole-heartedly.  I am not naive enough to think that this epiphany means that his PTSD is gone.  Hardly.  However, I am hopeful that this is a major step in the right direction to improving his self-esteem and self-worth.  I pray that the peace he is experiencing now remains and that he continues to make strides in his treatment.  The poor man has lived his life the last 7 years thinking he was responsible for the death of a beloved LT.  It has impacted him in so many negative ways that I'm biting at the chomp to see how this changes him.  Again, i'm trying really hard to keep myself in line.  Yes, he still has major Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and yes, he still has a lot a ton of issues to work through and address but surely this is great news and a step in the right direction.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

My addiction

I've run into my first dilemma with having Hubs gone on his 6 week stay.  It happened last night after we got home from taking daughter to the doctor for a med check.  I walked over to the fridge, opened it up and.....

An empty box of Pepsi greeted me.

If you know me, you know I have this slight addiction with soda pop.  Specifically,  Pepsi although Coke will do if Pepsi is not a choice.  I love the stuff.  I specifically love it in a glass with a lot of ice or, even better, from the fountain machine at the local BP.  Mmmmm, yum.  Anyway, I thought I had one more can in there, but I didn't and all of a sudden i NEEDED a Pepsi.

Usually if Hubs were home I could convince him to run to the corner store and get a fountain pop for me. But, he isn't here and I was stuck considering what to do.  Back when we just had our daughter and Hubs was deployed at the time or stuck in Germany, it wasn't unusual for me to bundle up my infant and make a dash to the nearest Steak-N-Shake for a vanilla Pepsi.    She was up anyway, and she'd usually fall asleep in the carseat in the car on the way there and back.  It was a win-win for both of us.  Sleepy baby and a pop for mommy.

Nowadays, it's a little more effort to do that.  Now I have a six year old and a baby to haul off in the night.  Even if the baby's awake, the girl is not and there's no way I'd wake her up to haul her off to get myself a drink.  Even if I think about it before she's asleep I usually try not to take them out at night.  Plus, even if I do, she somehow thinks that if mommy gets a pop she gets something too.  Then of course there's the screaming and crying and the demands of "no fair" if she doesn't get one.

Anyway, I'm without pop this morning.  I woke up with a headache and I know it's from the lack of caffeine in my system.  I know I should be concerned, that I'm addicted and I should wean myself away from it but really.....I don't want to.  I have two Pepsi's a day.  One in the morning to get me going and another after the kiddos are asleep in bed while I'm sitting there watching TV.  I'm already planning my trip to go get one.  I really want to go run to the grocery store and get a case of it, but today it's freaking cold outside and I really don't want to have to haul the kids out in the cold.  So that leaves driving through somewhere, which will solve my immediate problem but leave me with another come tonight or tomorrow morning when I'm without again.

Sad, I know.....but we all have our vices and Pepsi is mine!

Saturday, April 7, 2012

One week down

I feel like I should be missing him more than I do. And I DO miss him, but it's also relaxing having him gone. I don't wake up every morning and have to worry about him. It's also not much harder without him here. I take care of the kids and the cleaning, cooking, etc 90% of the time anyway so it's not a big change that way. I don't think the kids are that affected either. Our daughter brings him up and asks if he'll be home before summer. I don't think she quite understands the time concept. And our son? Well, he is unaffected. Should I be missing him more? I think it's probably mutual....he has only called I think 2 times this week and both were extremely short calls. Course, to be fair, I never got phone calls from him when he was deployed either. He had said it was too difficult to call and hear us. Whether this is still the reason, I don't know. This next week is spring break for the munchkin. I'm trying to think of things to do so she doesn't drive me batty being home all week. Of course the weather is looking like crap, highs of mid 40's. Yuck! We are supposed to go to the zoo on Thursday and I'm meeting a few moms there so cross your fingers it's decent. Nothing like schlepping around in the rain at a zoo to make you miserable! So there ya go, we are still here. Week 1 of hubby in residential and we're doing alright

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Cable Company can kiss my ass

I hate my cable company.  Their stupid cable box goes out every whip-stitch leaving me staring at a dark screen.  There's other things I don't like about them, but that is the major issue that caused us to look elsewhere.  We recently decided to go with Uverse, which is ironic considering my husband couldn't wait to get away from AT&T's wireless service.

We got Uverse hooked up, and the next day took back all our equipment to the cable company.  It was easy easy, and the lady even said we'd get a refund of about 100 bucks.  Whoo hoo!  Well today we got a bill from the cable company in the mail saying that a credit of 99.00 had been applied to our account and that our total now is 31 dollars for the remainder.

What. The. Hell.

Hubby paid it online but he said he thought that they had got it wrong.  I ended up calling them and explaining the situation.  We ended services on the 20th but we were charged for service until the 11 of April.  We didn't have service from that time frame so how could we owe for it?  Evidently they charge for the entire billing cycle which is the 12th of the month through the 11th and if you cancel in the middle you still pay the entire amount in the cycle.

What crappy service is that?  We pay cable for almost 3 weeks when we didnt even have it hooked up anymore?  I told the guy this was another reason I'm glad we've kicked them to the cub and that their company is garbage.

"have a nice day, ma'am"

Nice day my ass.  UG!!!

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Missing mail

My husband has an annoying habit of losing things. Case in point, the mail.

I try to beat him to the mailbox every day to secure it before he gets there because if he gets to it first, I may never see it. Once in his grasp, the mail tends to disappear to places such as:

- the car.
He has a habit of putting it in his car and then never bringing it in. Eventually it gets banished to the back seat, ne'er to see the light of day again.

- the garage.
An extension of his car. I've found mail 6 months old laying on the counters out there or in piles on the fridge in the garage.

- the bathroom
What is it with men needing to read on the toilet?


I've asked him not to leave it places, begged him to let me get the mail but it all falls in deaf ears. So, instead I end up on a scavenger hunt to find mail. The worst part is when I'm missing mail I don't even know I'm missing.

I was accepted into the caregiver program but hadn't received any info about the pay schedule. I had tried to email and call my coordinator but he seems to be MIA at the moment. My hubby has been pestering me to get this info

Then today when I talked to him on the phone and told him still nothing came about it he nonchalantly says, "something came to us a few days ago about it. I forget where I put it"

Aaaarrrrrrgggghhhhh!!!

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Holding down the fort - Day 1

I'm alone in my house with my two kids, the dog, the cat, and the bunny.  My husband has left for his 6 week adventure in the PTSD unit at a local VA hospital.  It's not his first stint in the joint, rather his 3rd.  He goes about once a year and it does help, for awhile.  Although, he hides his symptoms well and his social worker finally saw how he really can be and how badly affected he is in recent sessions so we're hopeful that he'll get more out of it this time.

  Part of me is happy he's gone because, let's be honest....being with someone who is severely depressed and anxious as well as mad at the world is not a happy place to be.  The last few weeks have been really, really hard.  He's been extra moody and snippy and he hasn't wanted to do anything with anyone.  His life has been sleeping in til noon, watching tv on the couch under a blanket all day, and staying up until the wee hours of the night just to wake up and do it all over again.  I breathed a sigh of relief once he was on his way because I knew he was going somewhere where he'll be safe and taken care of, and there will be way less stress around here.

It's time he go.

I will miss him though.  The kids will miss him too.  I know our daughter especially will miss him.  Last year Hubs told her that he was going to the North Pole to help Santa and the elves.  He did it to protect her so she wouldn't be burdened with the knowledge that her dad had to go to a special place for help.  However, after he left last year, it was really hard to keep up the charade to her.  I realized soon in that it's better to tell her the truth.  She deserves that.  So this year, I started prepping her early on.

"Daddy's going to go see some doctors that will help him feel better".

"Dad's going to miss you a lot, but he's going to be a better dad"

It is still hard.  He's been gone a whopping 10 hours and already she's asked when he's coming home.  He can't come home the first weekend there, so he will miss Easter.  Yes, he'll miss our son's first Easter.  In a way, it's fitting.  He missed our daughter's first Easter because he was deployed so I've done this before.
It sucks, but I'm praying....praying really hard, that maybe this time, he'll get some real help.  Help that just won't carry him through for a few months or a year tops, but help that will really touch him and help him face the demons head on and win.