I'm the only one who does anything around here.

Sometimes I feel like I can't win.

I resigned my teaching job in December to stay home with our new baby.  I really did not think that my husband could or would be able to take care of our infant son.  He was pretty F*&%ked up then, waiting to go back into residential.  The first few months of 2012 I was exhausted.  I was a full time housewife, mother, care-giver to a disabled husband, and I received next to zilch in terms of help from him with our new son.

I was the one who got up 2-3 times a night because he was so sacked out on his sleeping drugs that he wouldn't hear him.  I was the one who got up and got our daughter off to school all by myself, while holding a baby and managing a hyper dog at my feet.  All that, while my husband still slept.  If I asked him to get up and help he would either bitch at me or roll over and pretend he didn't hear me.  He never helped with housework either, or cooking.....Pretty much, I was a one woman show.

When he left to go to residential in April, I wasnt really that concerned.  It wouldn't really be much different than it had been.  To put it bluntly, he hadn't been a partner, he'd been like dead weight around my neck and I was happy to send him away for 6 weeks.  For starters, I didn't have to deal with his moodiness and walk on eggshells to make sure I didn't tick him off.  And also, I could get my shit done and take care of the household without worrying about him.

He got done with treatment about a week ago.  When he came home, I was kind of suprised at how helpful he was being.  He seemed to have gotten his sleep meds worked out so he was able to get up and help and not sleep half the day away.  He told me he wanted to be a family man.  I was happy....but cautious.  

Unfortunately, I can tell things are already slipping back to the way they were.  He is already back to drinking nightly outside, in his car.  He says it's because he can talk on the phone out there to his buddies and his dad.  Meanwhile, I'm inside, doing the parenting solo.  The other day, he was out there for about 2 hours during supper time.  I was going crazy getting the kids fed, dog fed, house cleaned up.  I didn't bother going out to ask for help because that's like talking to a door.  No response.  Well, I was back in our daughter's bedroom making her bed because she'd had an accident on it and I needed to get the sheets on before her bedtime.  She was demanding juice and I asked her to go get her dad.  I heard him come in and ask, "where is your mom" in a snippy tone that to me meant  "Where the hell is your mother?  How dare I have to leave my garage to come in and do...ug....fatherly things".    He shut up when she told him mommy was making her bed.

It's just shit like that that makes me mad.  Last night he came home and got into bed with a jug of powerade.  Later, when I finally got to bed late, the sheets were stained pink from where our daughter had had some and spilled.  Why he let her have Powerade when it was her bedtime, and why he didn't make sure the lid was on....I dont know.  I woke him up and asked him to move so I could strip our bed.  He got huffy and said he was going downstairs.  When I told him that he could wash the sheets tomrrow he got bitchy again.

I just want him to help.  He's home all fucking day.  He isnt physically handicapped, he can walk up and down stairs to do laundry.  He knows how to empty a dishwasher.  He can put the salt in the water softener when I ask instead of procrastinating enough that his tiny wife has to lug it down the stairs and empty it on her own.

I just can't win.  I don't want to live like this....eagerly awaiting the 6 weeks that he's in the VA every year.  Why can't he just help out and want to help out?  The kicker is, he acts like I don't do anything around the house.  He complains that it's messy....but he rarely cleans except to vacuum.  He bitches about money to me, but then goes and gets new golf clubs and ipods.  I go and get some flowers for the porch and take the kids to a carnival and he says. "how much was that" in his sneery little tone.    Last night he started up and I told him I'd get a job.  But then later, I was outside taking a break and he was inside and the baby woke up from his nap.  I listened to him cry for 10 minutes before I went in to get him because Hubs was in the room right next to him.  How can I get a job if I can't trust him not to zone out and neglect our baby, not to mention our house?

I can't win.

stressed.

Ok, I am stressed.


I've tried hard to keep up a good front the last few weeks.  I've tried to be optimistic about the treatment Hubs is getting at the VA.  I spun it into a good thing.....How with him being gone for 6 weeks I will have peace and quiet and be able to run the ship my way.  


It's starting to get to me.  It just seems like there's always something.  When he's home I feel like we spend a good majority of the time doing nothing in particular.  No commitments, we just go with the flow.  Well, since he's been gone, I feel like all I've done is run here and run there and put out one fire after another.  It's not that it's been hard....it's just been never-ending.  


The last few days have been especially stressful.  Our daughter started soccer, which I love, but that means taking her to practice and a game 2x a week.  It's been cold and overcast the last two times, and it wouldn't be a big deal, but without Hubs, I have to take the baby and it's freezing out.  Today it's supposed to be rainy and the high is only supposed to be 40 degrees, so I am secretly hoping that her practice gets canceled.


There was also the bunny situation.  Having to coordinate having someone come over and watch the kids so I could take her to the humane society wasn't a big deal, but ever since our daughter has been crying for her rabbit back.  The rabbit she never paid any attention to she now wants back.  That's not happening, but listening to her cry and whine about it is taxing.


She also had another episode of wetting the bed and the baby boy is teething.  Yesterday he had massive diahrea.  I hope it's teething anyway, and not the flu.  And now this morning, the bathtub faucet broke.


It is small stuff, but it's adding up.  Plus, I don't feel like Hubs is supporting me at all.  When he was home this past weekend, I told him I really wanted to talk to him on the phone while he's gone.  He told me he's tired at the end of the day but dammit, so am I!!  I thought after our conversation that the communication would be better.  Instead, I've heard nothing since he left except a text Monday to tell me he didn't want to come home this weekend but he wanted me to schlep the kids down there so we could do something close by down there.


I'm doing the best I can, but damn, this shit's getting old.  All I want to do is crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head and not have to deal with the world.  But, I can't do that.  My kids rely on me and my dog and cat would kill each other without my supervision.


But really, this sucks.

Bitch-fest

I'm pissed.

Our daughter is on winter break today.  It's not long, just a day and a half off, but instead of doing something FUN on her day off.....she and I are stuck at home with baby boy while my husband is a state away at a funeral, and I'm mad.

I'm mad that his buddy succumbed to Alcoholism and PTSD and is dead.  I'm mad that our fun weekend plans are ruined.  We have been promising our daughter a trip to the Wisconsin Dells (think large indoor water parks) for a month now and this would have been the weekend.  Instead, I had to explain to her that daddy's friend died and plans change.  I guess this sounds heartless.  I do feel for his family, but I'm obviously more concerned about my family.

I'm annoyed that my husband invited another buddy from his residential program to stay at our house.  He didn't really ask me.  He told me if I said no, he'd get a hotel room for the two of them.  What the Hell?  The two of them?  First of all, the guy could have got his own hotel room, and even if he did get one, why would he go too?  So, didn't really have a choice there, I didn't want Hubs spending money on a hotel room.  I get that the guy lives in Michigan and had to travel hours to go to the funeral and I respect the camaraderie among them, but it weirds me out having someone here that I don't know at all.  Someone who has PTSD like Hubs.  I want to shake my husband.  I have enough to deal with, I don't need more stress here!  To his credit, his friend has been decent and polite, but it still makes me uncomfortable.

I hate PTSD.  I hate that things have to be so hard.  I hate that my husband feels more comfortable talking to his friends than to me.  I cry because my husband has not slept in our bed in years.  He doesn't want to be near me I guess, I don't know.  I just want normal.  I want my husband to go to work everyday and me be the little woman who stays home and takes care of the babies and the house and welcomes him home every night with a hug and kiss.  I want to joke around and laugh with my husband without him taking everything the wrong way.  I want to laugh at his jokes instead of being paranoid that he's starting a fight.

I want to feel loved.   I dont remember the last time we kissed, I mean really kissed.  I want to sleep in the same bed as my husband.  I want to go on date-nights, I want to be happy, dammit.  Is that so wrong?

Okay, this post started out as something else and spiraled into a pity-party for one.  Ug.  I hate that.  I need to pull on my big-girl panties and deal.  It's just hard sometimes.  He doesn't understand.  In fact, if I do get upset, that's exactly what he tells me, "Quit feeling sorry for yourself".  Well excuse me, but I think I have that right to feel sorry for myself sometimes.

OK, this post is all over the place and the baby is screaming and the daughter is yelling for my attention.  Jumbled thoughts today...