Our daughter is on winter break today. It's not long, just a day and a half off, but instead of doing something FUN on her day off.....she and I are stuck at home with baby boy while my husband is a state away at a funeral, and I'm mad.
I'm mad that his buddy succumbed to Alcoholism and PTSD and is dead. I'm mad that our fun weekend plans are ruined. We have been promising our daughter a trip to the Wisconsin Dells (think large indoor water parks) for a month now and this would have been the weekend. Instead, I had to explain to her that daddy's friend died and plans change. I guess this sounds heartless. I do feel for his family, but I'm obviously more concerned about my family.
I'm annoyed that my husband invited another buddy from his residential program to stay at our house. He didn't really ask me. He told me if I said no, he'd get a hotel room for the two of them. What the Hell? The two of them? First of all, the guy could have got his own hotel room, and even if he did get one, why would he go too? So, didn't really have a choice there, I didn't want Hubs spending money on a hotel room. I get that the guy lives in Michigan and had to travel hours to go to the funeral and I respect the camaraderie among them, but it weirds me out having someone here that I don't know at all. Someone who has PTSD like Hubs. I want to shake my husband. I have enough to deal with, I don't need more stress here! To his credit, his friend has been decent and polite, but it still makes me uncomfortable.
I hate PTSD. I hate that things have to be so hard. I hate that my husband feels more comfortable talking to his friends than to me. I cry because my husband has not slept in our bed in years. He doesn't want to be near me I guess, I don't know. I just want normal. I want my husband to go to work everyday and me be the little woman who stays home and takes care of the babies and the house and welcomes him home every night with a hug and kiss. I want to joke around and laugh with my husband without him taking everything the wrong way. I want to laugh at his jokes instead of being paranoid that he's starting a fight.
I want to feel loved. I dont remember the last time we kissed, I mean really kissed. I want to sleep in the same bed as my husband. I want to go on date-nights, I want to be happy, dammit. Is that so wrong?
Okay, this post started out as something else and spiraled into a pity-party for one. Ug. I hate that. I need to pull on my big-girl panties and deal. It's just hard sometimes. He doesn't understand. In fact, if I do get upset, that's exactly what he tells me, "Quit feeling sorry for yourself". Well excuse me, but I think I have that right to feel sorry for myself sometimes.
OK, this post is all over the place and the baby is screaming and the daughter is yelling for my attention. Jumbled thoughts today...