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Monday, May 28, 2012

I hate

I hate this.

 I hate that holidays are no longer fun, that you can't stand to be around people having fun and so
 --- we don't go.
 I hate that our social circles mainly consist of family and therapists. 


 I hate waking up each day and wondering if today you'll have a good day or a bad day. 
 I hate that you lose your temper and yell. 
I hate that I've started to yell more too, not at you, because you'll call me a bitch for raising my voice, But at our daughter. I know I take my frustrations out on her.
 I hate that. 


 I hate that you never laugh anymore and the occasional times you do, it's at the discomfort of someone else.
 I hate that you don't sleep in our bed. Ever.
 I hate that I've gotten used to sleeping alone. 


 I hate how you constantly worry about money. I think we could win the lottery and it would still not be enough to keep you from worrying. 
I hate how I do 98% of the parenting. Don't deny it, I do. Especially with the baby. 


I hate that Our lives are not normal. 
 I hate not being able to hug you, because you don't like people close to you, even me. 
I hate how you spend most of the evenings in the garage alone 
I hate your smoking, I hate your drinking.


 Mainly, I hate how I don't have a partner in my marriage. I hate how you're not who I married, yet I can't leave because I love you and you need me. I hate how I can't remember the last time you told me you loved me. 

 I hate PTSD

Sunday, May 20, 2012

I'm the only one who does anything around here.

Sometimes I feel like I can't win.

I resigned my teaching job in December to stay home with our new baby.  I really did not think that my husband could or would be able to take care of our infant son.  He was pretty F*&%ked up then, waiting to go back into residential.  The first few months of 2012 I was exhausted.  I was a full time housewife, mother, care-giver to a disabled husband, and I received next to zilch in terms of help from him with our new son.

I was the one who got up 2-3 times a night because he was so sacked out on his sleeping drugs that he wouldn't hear him.  I was the one who got up and got our daughter off to school all by myself, while holding a baby and managing a hyper dog at my feet.  All that, while my husband still slept.  If I asked him to get up and help he would either bitch at me or roll over and pretend he didn't hear me.  He never helped with housework either, or cooking.....Pretty much, I was a one woman show.

When he left to go to residential in April, I wasnt really that concerned.  It wouldn't really be much different than it had been.  To put it bluntly, he hadn't been a partner, he'd been like dead weight around my neck and I was happy to send him away for 6 weeks.  For starters, I didn't have to deal with his moodiness and walk on eggshells to make sure I didn't tick him off.  And also, I could get my shit done and take care of the household without worrying about him.

He got done with treatment about a week ago.  When he came home, I was kind of suprised at how helpful he was being.  He seemed to have gotten his sleep meds worked out so he was able to get up and help and not sleep half the day away.  He told me he wanted to be a family man.  I was happy....but cautious.  

Unfortunately, I can tell things are already slipping back to the way they were.  He is already back to drinking nightly outside, in his car.  He says it's because he can talk on the phone out there to his buddies and his dad.  Meanwhile, I'm inside, doing the parenting solo.  The other day, he was out there for about 2 hours during supper time.  I was going crazy getting the kids fed, dog fed, house cleaned up.  I didn't bother going out to ask for help because that's like talking to a door.  No response.  Well, I was back in our daughter's bedroom making her bed because she'd had an accident on it and I needed to get the sheets on before her bedtime.  She was demanding juice and I asked her to go get her dad.  I heard him come in and ask, "where is your mom" in a snippy tone that to me meant  "Where the hell is your mother?  How dare I have to leave my garage to come in and do...ug....fatherly things".    He shut up when she told him mommy was making her bed.

It's just shit like that that makes me mad.  Last night he came home and got into bed with a jug of powerade.  Later, when I finally got to bed late, the sheets were stained pink from where our daughter had had some and spilled.  Why he let her have Powerade when it was her bedtime, and why he didn't make sure the lid was on....I dont know.  I woke him up and asked him to move so I could strip our bed.  He got huffy and said he was going downstairs.  When I told him that he could wash the sheets tomrrow he got bitchy again.

I just want him to help.  He's home all fucking day.  He isnt physically handicapped, he can walk up and down stairs to do laundry.  He knows how to empty a dishwasher.  He can put the salt in the water softener when I ask instead of procrastinating enough that his tiny wife has to lug it down the stairs and empty it on her own.

I just can't win.  I don't want to live like this....eagerly awaiting the 6 weeks that he's in the VA every year.  Why can't he just help out and want to help out?  The kicker is, he acts like I don't do anything around the house.  He complains that it's messy....but he rarely cleans except to vacuum.  He bitches about money to me, but then goes and gets new golf clubs and ipods.  I go and get some flowers for the porch and take the kids to a carnival and he says. "how much was that" in his sneery little tone.    Last night he started up and I told him I'd get a job.  But then later, I was outside taking a break and he was inside and the baby woke up from his nap.  I listened to him cry for 10 minutes before I went in to get him because Hubs was in the room right next to him.  How can I get a job if I can't trust him not to zone out and neglect our baby, not to mention our house?

I can't win.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Back to the grindstone

With the drama of my sister's issues going on the last now, two weeks, I feel like my life has taken a back seat to hers.  It's how it should be, I think.  Family is there for family, but I have to admit that it's been tiring to be there for her both emotionally and physically.  Now that she's settled in at my parents and has started the healing process, I am trying to get back in the groove of daily life in my household.

For one thing, I have been neglecting my housework.  I've never been a clean freak, but I was up to keeping up with it pretty good.  Now, however, the laundry is sky high, the dishes need washed, there are crumbs on the floor from morning breakfast that for some reason my dog has not found....in general, I've fallen off the cleaning wagon.  I need to get back on it.  Problem is, I have no motivation.

Perhaps it's because of my new fitness business.  I became a coach for Beachbody and I'm obsessed with spreading the news.  I'm also obsessed with working out (ok, maybe not obsessed....I don't do it 24/7 but I do like exercising now.....Shocker!) and since the weather is finally getting warm and staying warm, I've been spending more time outside weeding my yard.  I mean really....outside in the nice weather in my yard or stuck in the basement doing laundry? I choose yardwork.

However, with that being said, I am going to sign off and go do a load of laundry.  Then i'll actually make my bed and do some dishes.  Back in the saddle again!

**What chore do you hate doing?

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Moving on out, -- helping the sis

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there!

My mother's day weekend has been busy so far.  Yesterday was the official "move out" day for my sister.  She waited until the last minute to call, but she did manage to get a moving company to come get her stuff.  But, they didn't do any packing so bright and early Mom, Dad, and I went with her to his house to pack up all her stuff.  Wow, she has a lot.  In fact, his house is looking pretty bare without all her things in it.  He had told her once that her and her stuff had made his house a home.  Well, now it's back to being a house.  A very blah, sterile house.  

I refrained from "accidentally" bashing in his wall while moving objects.  I didn't abscond with any of his things (who would want them, really?).  I just wanted to get her packed, loaded up, and out of there.  My parents were champs.  They are definitely NOT spring chickens and there they were, knee-deep in boxes and bubble tape, wrapping up all her things.

She's all settled in now, at my parents house.  Their basement is full of her things.  Things that, I hope, will be out of there fairly soon.  I think her plan is to live with my parents for a little while and save up.  I hope she buys a condo or a townhouse when she does end up moving back out.  No more moving in with boys!  UG!  When she finds her true someone, he can move in with her!

All she has left to do is return his keys and his garage door opener.  I hope she just drops them off in his mailbox or something, or mails them to him.  She doesn't need to see him again.  I believe my dad suggested that HE might just have to drop by and return them.  I'd love to be a fly on the wall for that conversation!!

Thursday, May 10, 2012

take a chill pill

Do you know how many times I say to my husband, "just chillax." or "would you just relax, it's not that big of a deal".  I think I need to take my own advice.

I think this solo parenting is starting to get to me.  I've done so good, and I still do good, but with the added stress of my sister's issues and my daughter having some problems with attitude, I'm about ready to scream.  Seriously, she has morphed from an adorable 6 year old into a 6 year old with a 14 year old's attitude.  I'm not ready for that.....I mean, I need to build up to that.  Give me the Tween issues first, so I can prepare.  Ug.  The last few days have definitely not been shining examples of parenting.  It's left me yelling, swearing (Not at her, well....I did tell her Damn, but mostly to myself under my breathe), and this morning she mouthed off and I smacked her backside.  I felt awful and she carried on like I had broke a limb.  She is dramatic, but I felt horrible.

I am a good mom.  I love my kids.  Is it bad that I desperately want a vacation from them?  From this house?  From all the stress around me?  I remember back in December, my husband wanted to go to Aruba for a trip, just the two of us.  I said no.  I had a three month old and I was not leaving him, plus our 6 year old needed to be in school and a week's vacation to grandma's was out of the question.  I don't regret that decision to stay back, but man....I could sure go for that trip now.



Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Fiance no more

The douchebag that was to be my brother-in-law finally called my sister Monday night to tell her.  Yes, you read that right....2 1/2 years together, engaged and living together and he broke up with her over the phone.

It has been really hard on all of us, especially mom, dad, and myself.  Probably because we're here to see her go through this in person.  I know Dad wants to go kill him and my Hubs would love to hurt him really bad for hurting his sister in law.  All I can think of is "coward".  What a coward he is.  Evidently when he told her, he told her that he'd thought that he had loved her, but he never really did, that he was just comfortable.  Seriously?  Can you stick the knife in a little more.  Ending an engagement/relationship is so hard, why add more unnecessary suffering to it?

She hasn't been at work all week.  Yesterday she went and got her paycheck changed so it wouldn't go into their joint account and she told her coworkers.  Then her and mom went to their house to get her cats and some of her toiletries.  Mom said it was awful, that she just froze in the doorway and then started bawling.  Mom had to pretty much pack up everything they took because she couldn't.

People know now.  Like I said, she told her coworkers and now all the bridesmaids know.  She had one of them go ahead and tell the rest of their friends from high school...I'm sure the word will continue to spread.

I'm so unbelievably pissed right now.  I get that sometimes people change their minds....that happens I guess.  That would have been hard enough, but the manner in which he did this is just unbelievable.  How he came home that Saturday and told her he might not want to get married, how he then did not contact her for two days while she was staying with my parents, not even to ask how she was doing.  Then, to freaking break it off without giving her the courtesy of doing it in person?  Wow.  My sister said not once did he even say he was sorry.

I think I know that she will come out on top, that she dodged a bullet with this one and someday she will be thanking the Heavens that she did not end up with this sack of spineless shit.  However, in the short term and for awhile to go, she is going to be hurting badly.

UG!

Monday, May 7, 2012

Dumb ass fiance

There's been family drama over here.  Two days ago I got an hysterical phone call from my baby sister and before she even told me the words, my heart sunk and I knew, without her saying, what would cause that kind of hysterical sobbing.  You see, my sister is due to get married in.....5 months.  Her fiance came home that day and told her he didn't know if he loved her enough to get married.

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

He then left to go to church to "pray".  This, coming from the boy who has been to church like 3 times in the 2 years they've been together.  Anyway, she went to mom and dad's and I drove over to comfort her.  I won't get into all of the supposed reasons, but they've been happy, no signs and out of the blue he throws this at her?  He didn't contact her the rest of that day and then yesterday he hadn't either.  Finally, at around 4pm mom drove her over to their house so she could get some clothes.  He was actually there and they chatted for a few minutes.  My sister said he was very cold to her and she asked him if he even cared, if this was bothering him and he said "no".    He then left to go to his mommy's house for his sunday dinner he goes to every sunday.

I am so unbelievably pissed off right now.  My entire family is so mad.  My husband was home when I got the call from her and he wanted to go over and get her so she wouldn't drive, but she did anyway.  Now he wants to go over with my dad and have a discussion with him.  I advised probably not the best idea there, although I'd love to see him get put in his place.  No one messes with my sister.

I don't know how they're going to resolve this.  He doesn't seem that bothered by it, and yet, he still doesn't know if he loves her.  Why the hell did he not think about this before they got engaged?  He is very analytical and we're not sure if he's talking himself out of this or what.

My sister is a freaking mess.  Although, last night she was talking about getting an apartment and moving on.  I don't think she'll be the one to call it off....she'll wait for him to say the words.  I don't really know if they can repair their relationship now.  It doesn't seem like he's even interested in trying.  This is crazy.  He was the one that my parents loved, that treated her so good, that made a perfect pair with her.  Now...I think he's a jackass.  Even if by some reason they manage to patch things up, I will never think of him the same way again.  None of us will.

Ug, I want to kick him in the ass.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Avery Lynn Canahuati

  Just the other day I heard of the little girl whose parents started a blog for their daughter after discovering that she had a fatal genetic disease.  Her dad started a Bucket List for his daughter and the blog was a way to raise awareness of the disease and to cross off things on her bucket list.

Avery Canahuati was born with Spinal Muscular Atrophy or SMA.  It is incurable.  She was 6 months old and the doctors gave her about 18 months to live.  Sadly, she passed away April 30th from complications due to SMA.  One of her lungs collapsed and she went into cardiac arrest.  Her dad was able to start CPR and revive her, but she passed away later at the hospital.

Her parents sound like wonderful people.  Her dad started the blog just a few weeks ago, and at the end of each post would cross off things they had done on her Bucket List.  One of the things left on the list is to raise awareness of this horrible disease.  If you go to Avery's website, there's a link to research to help babies with this disease.


I cried last night when I read the blog.  I cried for the beautiful baby girl who was always smiling in the pictures.  In fact, her dad was afraid that eventually SMA would take away her ability to smile.  The last picture they have of her was taken only 15-20 minutes before her lung collapsed, and in that picture, she is smiling.

Please take a minute and go to Avery's blog.  Please...

www.averycan.blogspot.com