Monday, May 28, 2012

I hate

I hate this.

 I hate that holidays are no longer fun, that you can't stand to be around people having fun and so
 --- we don't go.
 I hate that our social circles mainly consist of family and therapists. 

 I hate waking up each day and wondering if today you'll have a good day or a bad day. 
 I hate that you lose your temper and yell. 
I hate that I've started to yell more too, not at you, because you'll call me a bitch for raising my voice, But at our daughter. I know I take my frustrations out on her.
 I hate that. 

 I hate that you never laugh anymore and the occasional times you do, it's at the discomfort of someone else.
 I hate that you don't sleep in our bed. Ever.
 I hate that I've gotten used to sleeping alone. 

 I hate how you constantly worry about money. I think we could win the lottery and it would still not be enough to keep you from worrying. 
I hate how I do 98% of the parenting. Don't deny it, I do. Especially with the baby. 

I hate that Our lives are not normal. 
 I hate not being able to hug you, because you don't like people close to you, even me. 
I hate how you spend most of the evenings in the garage alone 
I hate your smoking, I hate your drinking.

 Mainly, I hate how I don't have a partner in my marriage. I hate how you're not who I married, yet I can't leave because I love you and you need me. I hate how I can't remember the last time you told me you loved me. 

 I hate PTSD

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