Sunday, May 20, 2012

I'm the only one who does anything around here.

Sometimes I feel like I can't win.

I resigned my teaching job in December to stay home with our new baby.  I really did not think that my husband could or would be able to take care of our infant son.  He was pretty F*&%ked up then, waiting to go back into residential.  The first few months of 2012 I was exhausted.  I was a full time housewife, mother, care-giver to a disabled husband, and I received next to zilch in terms of help from him with our new son.

I was the one who got up 2-3 times a night because he was so sacked out on his sleeping drugs that he wouldn't hear him.  I was the one who got up and got our daughter off to school all by myself, while holding a baby and managing a hyper dog at my feet.  All that, while my husband still slept.  If I asked him to get up and help he would either bitch at me or roll over and pretend he didn't hear me.  He never helped with housework either, or cooking.....Pretty much, I was a one woman show.

When he left to go to residential in April, I wasnt really that concerned.  It wouldn't really be much different than it had been.  To put it bluntly, he hadn't been a partner, he'd been like dead weight around my neck and I was happy to send him away for 6 weeks.  For starters, I didn't have to deal with his moodiness and walk on eggshells to make sure I didn't tick him off.  And also, I could get my shit done and take care of the household without worrying about him.

He got done with treatment about a week ago.  When he came home, I was kind of suprised at how helpful he was being.  He seemed to have gotten his sleep meds worked out so he was able to get up and help and not sleep half the day away.  He told me he wanted to be a family man.  I was happy....but cautious.  

Unfortunately, I can tell things are already slipping back to the way they were.  He is already back to drinking nightly outside, in his car.  He says it's because he can talk on the phone out there to his buddies and his dad.  Meanwhile, I'm inside, doing the parenting solo.  The other day, he was out there for about 2 hours during supper time.  I was going crazy getting the kids fed, dog fed, house cleaned up.  I didn't bother going out to ask for help because that's like talking to a door.  No response.  Well, I was back in our daughter's bedroom making her bed because she'd had an accident on it and I needed to get the sheets on before her bedtime.  She was demanding juice and I asked her to go get her dad.  I heard him come in and ask, "where is your mom" in a snippy tone that to me meant  "Where the hell is your mother?  How dare I have to leave my garage to come in and things".    He shut up when she told him mommy was making her bed.

It's just shit like that that makes me mad.  Last night he came home and got into bed with a jug of powerade.  Later, when I finally got to bed late, the sheets were stained pink from where our daughter had had some and spilled.  Why he let her have Powerade when it was her bedtime, and why he didn't make sure the lid was on....I dont know.  I woke him up and asked him to move so I could strip our bed.  He got huffy and said he was going downstairs.  When I told him that he could wash the sheets tomrrow he got bitchy again.

I just want him to help.  He's home all fucking day.  He isnt physically handicapped, he can walk up and down stairs to do laundry.  He knows how to empty a dishwasher.  He can put the salt in the water softener when I ask instead of procrastinating enough that his tiny wife has to lug it down the stairs and empty it on her own.

I just can't win.  I don't want to live like this....eagerly awaiting the 6 weeks that he's in the VA every year.  Why can't he just help out and want to help out?  The kicker is, he acts like I don't do anything around the house.  He complains that it's messy....but he rarely cleans except to vacuum.  He bitches about money to me, but then goes and gets new golf clubs and ipods.  I go and get some flowers for the porch and take the kids to a carnival and he says. "how much was that" in his sneery little tone.    Last night he started up and I told him I'd get a job.  But then later, I was outside taking a break and he was inside and the baby woke up from his nap.  I listened to him cry for 10 minutes before I went in to get him because Hubs was in the room right next to him.  How can I get a job if I can't trust him not to zone out and neglect our baby, not to mention our house?

I can't win.

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