Tuesday, March 6, 2012

barely holding on

"Dont know if I'll make it, but watch how good I fake it"

Its getting to me --- this way of living.  I've got to be the strong one.  Keep up appearances of a happy life for my kids.  So often im crying on the inside, but smiling on the outside.   If i just keep pretending, then its not real.   But in reality, the truth is hard to ignore.

His depression causes me anxiety.  I walk on tip toes around him to avoid confrontations.  I snap at the kids and at him because my patience is running low.  I give and give and i'm running on fumes.

But at the same time, i try to be perky to friends.  I pretend everything's fine because thats easier than admitting its not fine.

Marriage shouldnt be this hard.  I know he cant help it.  His PTSD is awful.  I keep out the hope he will get better and appreciate what he has.  His brain injury has changed him.   I keep hoping the cloud will lift and the man i fell in love with will be there.   He's in there somewhere, buried deep.

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