Friday, September 21, 2012

The Aftermath

I'd love to report that since my last post, things have made a rapid turnaround and life was wonderful.  

It didn't and it's not.

Yesterday was no better.  Hubs was gone all day at the VA so we didn't see much of each other but in the.....maybe 2 hours we did spend in each other's company, we got into another argument.  He has this habit of leaving and not telling me where he's going.  Last night I told him I wanted to go buy a Bible for my study group because I had no idea where mine had gone.  He mentioned he had one downstairs somewhere.    But he never said he'd go get it and the downstairs storage area is a scary part of our basement where the lightbulb is burnt out and there are piles of crap everywhere.  

So, after the kids were in bed I just left.  Got in my car and went to Barnes and Noble and picked out a Bible.  I was gone maybe an hour tops.  I got home and he asked me where his Coke was.  He evidently texted me asking me to get him one, but I'd left my phone at home.    He told me since we were just doing what we want to do, he wouldn't worry anymore about just leaving.  I tried to tell him I was making a point, but it went right over his head and once again, bad me. bad me.


We did talk a little more.  He's doing some kind of deep therapy at the VA and it's bringing up a lot of stuff from a specific trauma he went through in Iraq.  Last night I told him he was mean and he said he knew he was.  I told him he enjoys being mean and he said he didnt' and then he gave me a notebook that he has where he wrote about the trauma.  

First off, I am all in favor of switching therapists there.  I'm not quite sure WHY they would have him do this deep shit and then drive home an hour.  I think if he does this kind of stuff he needs to be there to process it all.  I'm hoping he really does switch doctors and this isn't just talk.

Second of all, I'm sorry he went through that.  Believe me, just reading his journal entry made me feel like throwing up.  I can't imagine what it was like to have to be there.  

However:  We aren't the enemies.  I didn't do anything to him and I can't stand how he delights in being mean and cynical.  He honestly enjoys it.  He says he doesn't but I've seen the smile when he's being mean.  He enjoys hurting others.  That is what disgusts me.   


So yeah, life not so peachy right now.  I think we're just going to try and co-habitate together for the kids.  Maybe things will get better, but I can't wait around to see if they do.  I need to focus on what I can do, to help myself and my kids.  In the meantime, I'll try and stay out of Hurricane Hubs way!

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