Monday, July 9, 2012

what to do, what to do?

Hubs and I had a really bad argument the other day.  It was on the 4th of July and if you read the post from that day, it alluded to the fact that we'd had a nasty fight.  I was ready to just be done with it.  It started off a small thing, nothing really, but everything gets turned into a mountain of stress with the Hubs.  He got stressed and then he asked if I wanted a freaking separation.  WTF, no I do not.  I did that before, we were separated for a little over a year.  No, if we ever separated again, it would be permanently.

I figured he would calm down once he left, but he continued to send me nasty emails about how I was to leave him alone when he got home and how I wasn't "allowed" to talk to him.  What the hell?  I just let it go.  But, he was still pissy when he got home.  I remember he walked in the door, walked over to me, literally dropped our 9 month old on my lap and went out in the pool.  Nice.  Then later, he was even nastier.  I couldn't figure out what was his deal.  Then he started in on one of my family members and how he was a loser and an idiot because this particular family member is in the military and got a DUI and that is not how soldiers do things.  Anyway, he kept going on and on and the thing is....he was smiling while he was doing it.  He was enjoying that I was crying and so upset.  

That did it.  I told him I want a divorce.  "You're gonna get a divorce over that?"  Yes I am.   It wasn't the comments he made, it was the attitude, I saw the joy on his face while he made me cry.  He loved every second of it.  It made me sick, that this guy I married, who had once been so sweet, had turned into someone who enjoyed causing misery to others. 

The next day I went to my parents for dinner and I didn't mention a word to them.  I had been sick the day before so that was my excuse for Hubs not coming.  My dad took a family picture that day, and I remember he said something to me about photo editing my husband into the picture, since mom and dad are using that as christmas cards.  Whatever, is what I thought.  I managed to make it through the day without crying.

I got home and he came to me and got teary eyed and asked me not to leave him.  In a way, I think of it as abuse.  I don't think me means for it to be that way, but this is always how it is.  We fight, he's nasty, then he is sweet and calm and asks me to stay and he'll try harder.....until the next time it happens.  The crap thing is....I always fall for it.  I always have that little bit of hope that this time there really will be a change.

My husband sometimes reads my blog so when he reads this I am sure he won't be happy, but oh well. Here's the Gods honest truth.....I'm still not sure that divorce isn't the best option for me and the children.  I am not sure if I love my husband.  I love him but I don't know if I'm in love with him.  If we were single, I sure wouldn't be attracted to his personality now.....and I know he wouldn't be to mine.  We have nothing in common anymore except we created two little miracles that we both love.  

The other night, as we lay on the floor in our son's bedroom talking about things, we pledged to try and have more fun in our lives and be more easy-going.  That's one of the things I miss.....When we first got together everyone commented on how well we fit together.  We were both so easy-going and chill with everything.  We also both loved a lot of the same stuff:  live music, sports, traveling.   Now, he doesn't want to do anything and on the rare occasions he does want to go out, his good mood never lasts the entire day.  

PTSD has destroyed my happy little family.  My husband is a shell of what he once was.  He is so depressed, irritable, irrational and moody that it drives me bat-shit crazy.  I've become this hypervigilent, extra sensitive bitch woman who jumps on any little thing because if I don't stay on him and hound him, it won't get done.  Our daughter wets her pants and she's almost 7 and doesn't seem to care, and our son.....well.....he's good but I do worry about him too, growing up in this environment.

So why don't I go?  Why don't I pack up my babies and high tail it out of here?  Where would I go?  What would I do?  He's not a bad person.  he does love us in his own way and he does try.  He isn't physical, just intimidates when he gets mad with his words and actions.   I don't know what to do.  I am going to get my daughter and myself into counseling.  She needs it and I think I do too.  I need someone outside of the situation, NOT FAMILY, to talk to about this crap.  

I hate PTSD.

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