I started back to work this week. I'm not going to lie....I didn't want to go. I've been on an extended maternity leave, in essence, and when it came time to leave I didn't want to go.
I'm not exactly sure how it's going to work out. It's really different being a para and not the teacher. I keep gravitating towards the sped teachers and there have been times that they start talking teacher talk and I'm listening in and nodding my head....and then I realize what I'm doing and realize I have no say in it and it's not really my business. That's a little weird to me and will take some getting used to.
Things have been a little chaotic at work. I don't feel like people have had their shit together. The only info I got was a short, one paragraph letter stating the hours I was to work this week and then my regular hours starting next week when the kids come. No info on where to go, how to get ID's, computer access, procedures, etc etc. I just feel out of the loop and I hate it. I'm very schedule oriented and I need to know what to do, when to do it, and what to expect. These people seem a little too easy breezy whatever attitude.
Tomorrow is my last day before the students come on Tuesday. I still have to get computer access and a key to the room where I'm to store my stuff. Not holding my breathe that that will happen before Tuesday.
Fingers crossed all will go well.
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Someone's missing their funny bone
PTSD is such a nasty thing. It is anxiety. All the time. When you're anxious you don't find humor in things. You instantly turn to worst case scenarios and make mountains out of mole hills, sometimes out of ant hills! It has caused so much heartache and tears and bouts of anger in my household and it's taken away the humor in my husband.
Case in point:
Tonight I let my 8 month old bulldog out back to do her business. The hubby was gone so I left her out there while I got the kids ready for bed. Afterwards, I opened up the sliding glass door, opened the screen door and stepped out into the night, shutting the screen door behind me. Well, I unhooked her collar from the lead and she took off like a bullet out of a gun.
Straight through the screen door.
I couldn't believe it. The dumb-ass dog must have not seen the screen. I couldn't believe she went through it like that, like there was nothing there. I was annoyed, already thinking ahead to when I was going to find time to fix it, but after a minute or two I smiled. It was kind of funny!
I called up the Hubs to let him know. He found it less than humorous. In fact, he was downright pissed off about it. He started swearing into the phone about how he hated the dog, how she was no good, yadda yadda, etc etc. I ended up hanging up on him because he was so grouchy and I think he was enjoying hearing himself yell, to be honest.
He was still a ways off in the car so he didn't make it home for another 40 minutes or so. He walked in, yelled at the dog, grouched at everyone, and sat down on the couch, bitching about random crap. Then when I told him it was kind of funny, that the dog did that, he said, "yeah, it's funny to you. You don't have to pay for it". I don't really get that....it's his old stand by veiled insult to me. Because I've stayed home to raise our kids and take care of him, we have lived off of his income alone. Somehow, when he says that, I think I'm supposed to be offended. I used to be, but now I mentally roll my eyes and tell him to take a pill.
Anyway, I wish he found humor in the small stuff. Life would be a little easier if he would. Come on, a big fat bulldog puppy just burst through a screen door like a knife through butter. Yes, it's going to be a pain to fix but only because we'll have to take the time to either take the screen in, or fix it ourselves.
In the grand scheme of things, it isn't a big deal and it was funny!
At least, I thought so...
Case in point:
Tonight I let my 8 month old bulldog out back to do her business. The hubby was gone so I left her out there while I got the kids ready for bed. Afterwards, I opened up the sliding glass door, opened the screen door and stepped out into the night, shutting the screen door behind me. Well, I unhooked her collar from the lead and she took off like a bullet out of a gun.
Straight through the screen door.
I couldn't believe it. The dumb-ass dog must have not seen the screen. I couldn't believe she went through it like that, like there was nothing there. I was annoyed, already thinking ahead to when I was going to find time to fix it, but after a minute or two I smiled. It was kind of funny!
I called up the Hubs to let him know. He found it less than humorous. In fact, he was downright pissed off about it. He started swearing into the phone about how he hated the dog, how she was no good, yadda yadda, etc etc. I ended up hanging up on him because he was so grouchy and I think he was enjoying hearing himself yell, to be honest.
He was still a ways off in the car so he didn't make it home for another 40 minutes or so. He walked in, yelled at the dog, grouched at everyone, and sat down on the couch, bitching about random crap. Then when I told him it was kind of funny, that the dog did that, he said, "yeah, it's funny to you. You don't have to pay for it". I don't really get that....it's his old stand by veiled insult to me. Because I've stayed home to raise our kids and take care of him, we have lived off of his income alone. Somehow, when he says that, I think I'm supposed to be offended. I used to be, but now I mentally roll my eyes and tell him to take a pill.
Anyway, I wish he found humor in the small stuff. Life would be a little easier if he would. Come on, a big fat bulldog puppy just burst through a screen door like a knife through butter. Yes, it's going to be a pain to fix but only because we'll have to take the time to either take the screen in, or fix it ourselves.
In the grand scheme of things, it isn't a big deal and it was funny!
At least, I thought so...
Sunday, August 19, 2012
The Dirty Girl Run
Today I was a Dirty Girl.
Last May I heard about the Dirty Girl Mud Run. It's a 5K non-timed run that involves obstacles, fun and lots and LOTS of mud. I had just started my whole "I'm-going-to-be-healthier" kick, I signed up hoping and thinking that by the time August rolled around, I'd be svelte and in tip-top shape. Well, I'm definitely not svelte and while I'm in better shape than I was, I'm still not what I would call, athletic. However, I was really excited for today to get here.
The Dirty Girl Mud Run benefits the National Breast Cancer Foundation. A small portion of each registration fee goes to that Foundation. It's also a fun obstacle course where women can dress up in costumes, there's music, food afterwards, and lots of fun. I found out about it through the mom's group at my church. They wanted to put together a team and I was all in. However, I ended up texting a friend about it, because I knew that she did a lot of marathons and 5K's. She was all in, and asked me to be on her team with some of her coworkers. Sooooo, I ended up going with them and not my fellow moms. MISTAKE.
This morning I saw on Facebook that this friend had posted that she wasn't going to do the run because she had the "beginnings of a summer cold". Are you freaking for real? It annoyed me further because she evidently let the other girls on the team know, but not me or my sister (who is also her friend and on the team). Oh well, wasn't going to let it get to me. If she didn't want to participate, it's her loss not mine. At the end of the race, we showered and we couldn't find her afterwards. I texted her and she texted back that she was already on the freeway. Argh.....she left with the two other girls and worse, she had our freaking tickets for our FREE BEER in her pockets. Next year, I'm not messing with that....going back to my moms group!
The great thing is that this run was for all ability levels so it was untimed and I didn't feel bad walking. The rest of my so-called team took off and I saw them occasionally way ahead of me. Other than that, my sister would run to the next obstacle, go through it, and then wait for me. I appreciated that. Another reason I'm ditching teams next year. Who leaves your teammate behind?
I liked most of the obstacles. There was a few that sucked. One in particular was a large wall you had to scale. I admit, I went around....the back and all. There were quite a few areas where you had to army crawl through mud under ropes. My sis and I had fun with those! At one point we were slapping mud on each other's ass and laughing so hard as we got up from it. Another I really liked had like 5 tubes you had to crawl through, again in the mud.
The second to last obstacle sucked. It was a really long army crawl underneath a really low net. The problem was that there were rocks and pebbles underneath the mud. Crawling on your knees hurt like a bitch. Army crawling more on your belly was fine, but took forever. That was by far the most painful.
I would definitely do it again. I'd switch teams to one that was more focused on team-comradory and I'd want to make sure I am in a little better shape. Other than that, I loved it. I recommend doing it. I think of all the crap I've been through with the PTSD in my husband, the marital issues, the kid issues, financial stress.....and to be able to leave all that behind, even if only for an afternoon, and run and do this stuff for me.....to say I did it.....that was an awesome feeling.
I did it!!!
Sunday, August 12, 2012
the picnic in the park
Today was a good day.
Hubs got up before 10. He actually went outside and emptied our pool, hosed it out, and then went around and sprayed the hornets nests that have been accumulating around her house. He told me he wanted to do something as a family today. I was surprised but I went with it.
He wanted to go grocery shopping (on a Saturday? with both kids???), and our daughter wanted to buy a pet snake. Yuck, yuck, YUCKY! We did go to the petstore to look at them. She held a little snake and I was shocked that my little girly-girl liked snakes. I couldn't get past the whole live mice as food thing. We left without anything, thank goodness.
We were about to go home and I said it would be nice to go to the park. Hubs hates the park. However, he said he'd take us. On the way, he actually had a nice suggestion. How about we drive through the sub shop drive-thru and get some subs and drinks and have a picnic at the park? I was flabbergasted. I couldn't believe that those words came out of his mouth. I went with it though!
Something so simple: Eating subs at the park on a picnic bench and then pushing my baby boy on the swing and helping my little girl with the monkey bars. Hubs did spend a little time isolating on the bench messing with his phone, but he took a turn pushing the boy and then he also got on the merry go round and had our daughter push him around.
Sometimes I'm just so grateful for life's little pleasures!
Hubs got up before 10. He actually went outside and emptied our pool, hosed it out, and then went around and sprayed the hornets nests that have been accumulating around her house. He told me he wanted to do something as a family today. I was surprised but I went with it.
He wanted to go grocery shopping (on a Saturday? with both kids???), and our daughter wanted to buy a pet snake. Yuck, yuck, YUCKY! We did go to the petstore to look at them. She held a little snake and I was shocked that my little girly-girl liked snakes. I couldn't get past the whole live mice as food thing. We left without anything, thank goodness.
We were about to go home and I said it would be nice to go to the park. Hubs hates the park. However, he said he'd take us. On the way, he actually had a nice suggestion. How about we drive through the sub shop drive-thru and get some subs and drinks and have a picnic at the park? I was flabbergasted. I couldn't believe that those words came out of his mouth. I went with it though!
Something so simple: Eating subs at the park on a picnic bench and then pushing my baby boy on the swing and helping my little girl with the monkey bars. Hubs did spend a little time isolating on the bench messing with his phone, but he took a turn pushing the boy and then he also got on the merry go round and had our daughter push him around.
Sometimes I'm just so grateful for life's little pleasures!
Friday, August 10, 2012
Gallbladder
I think I may have gallstones.
I have not really given one thought to my gallbladder. It worked, chugging along like it should and so, it did what it did without any thank you from me. Then, it crapped out on me.
Wednesday the Hubs was gone at the VA all day and I was home with my two babies. My sweet tooth was acting up so I took the kids through Sonic's drive through and we ordered a large butterfingers blast and a large tater tot....each. It was a special treat and I was starving. Well, shortly after finishing that meal (and I DID finish it all), I laid down on my bed on my stomach ready to browse around online for a few minutes.
All of a sudden, and I do mean all of a sudden, I got a pain in my chest and then it wrapped around to my back. Right between the shoulder blades. It was awful. I tried switching positions to alleviate the back pain but at the same time, I felt like my heart was going to explode right out of my chest. I thought for a second that I may be having a heart attack. I managed to get down on all fours on the floor to try any position I could think of to help the pain. At one point, I remember thinking that the paramedics were going to come in and find me dead in my disaster of a bedroom and dang, I should have put those clean clothes away.
I breathed through the pain trying to figure out what I was going to do. My neighbor was gone, my husband was gone and he wouldn't have his phone on in group. I didn't know who would watch my kids if I went to the hospital. Finally I decided to tough it out and see if it started to feel better. At one point I told myself only 2 more minutes and then I'm going to have to call 911.
Well, the pain finally started to subside. I was sore the rest of the day. Then, Thursday night I had two more attacks after eating some pizza. Stupid, I wasn't even thinking of the dairy.
I ended up having a CT today of my heart to make sure everything is hunky-dory there, and the prelim reports are that it is okay. The nurse told me the preliminary report on my ultrasound I had today stated I have some gallstones in my gallbladder. The full report will be available Monday. So, I guess that means I'm going to have to hurry up and get my gallbladder removed because this chick is not dealing with this pain! It was HORRIBLE. It ranks right up there with childbirth and the kidney stone I had a few years ago.
This weekend I'm playing it safe and not eating any dairy if I can help it. I read dairy makes it worse. So does fatty food, red meat, and foods high in cholesterol. Seriously, this had made me realize that my diet is crap. I'm sitting here wondering what the heck I'm going to be eating!
I have not really given one thought to my gallbladder. It worked, chugging along like it should and so, it did what it did without any thank you from me. Then, it crapped out on me.
Wednesday the Hubs was gone at the VA all day and I was home with my two babies. My sweet tooth was acting up so I took the kids through Sonic's drive through and we ordered a large butterfingers blast and a large tater tot....each. It was a special treat and I was starving. Well, shortly after finishing that meal (and I DID finish it all), I laid down on my bed on my stomach ready to browse around online for a few minutes.
All of a sudden, and I do mean all of a sudden, I got a pain in my chest and then it wrapped around to my back. Right between the shoulder blades. It was awful. I tried switching positions to alleviate the back pain but at the same time, I felt like my heart was going to explode right out of my chest. I thought for a second that I may be having a heart attack. I managed to get down on all fours on the floor to try any position I could think of to help the pain. At one point, I remember thinking that the paramedics were going to come in and find me dead in my disaster of a bedroom and dang, I should have put those clean clothes away.
I breathed through the pain trying to figure out what I was going to do. My neighbor was gone, my husband was gone and he wouldn't have his phone on in group. I didn't know who would watch my kids if I went to the hospital. Finally I decided to tough it out and see if it started to feel better. At one point I told myself only 2 more minutes and then I'm going to have to call 911.
Well, the pain finally started to subside. I was sore the rest of the day. Then, Thursday night I had two more attacks after eating some pizza. Stupid, I wasn't even thinking of the dairy.
I ended up having a CT today of my heart to make sure everything is hunky-dory there, and the prelim reports are that it is okay. The nurse told me the preliminary report on my ultrasound I had today stated I have some gallstones in my gallbladder. The full report will be available Monday. So, I guess that means I'm going to have to hurry up and get my gallbladder removed because this chick is not dealing with this pain! It was HORRIBLE. It ranks right up there with childbirth and the kidney stone I had a few years ago.
This weekend I'm playing it safe and not eating any dairy if I can help it. I read dairy makes it worse. So does fatty food, red meat, and foods high in cholesterol. Seriously, this had made me realize that my diet is crap. I'm sitting here wondering what the heck I'm going to be eating!
Thursday, August 9, 2012
rain
It's a rainy day today. I woke up this morning at 6:45 when my baby boy decided to let me know he was hungry by screaming in his crib. This kind of weather just makes me want to curl up with a good book. Problem is, I can't!
It's tiring be a stay at home mom. I got up this morning and took care of the kiddos, took out the trash for the garbage guys, fed the dog, the cat, and did some dishes.....all while my husband slept downstairs on the couch. It is annoying, I won't lie. I'd love to be able to sleep half the day away. I went down there at 10 and tried to get him up and going....didn't work. At 11am I went down and told him to get his ass up. He told me to leave him alone. I can't. If I did he would still be down there now.
I know he's depressed, I know it's PTSD and not laziness. It's still hard though. I worry constantly about something happening to me. If I died or was incapacitated, my kids would be screwed. I told Hubs that today, and he told me he'd be able to take care of the kids. Not sure how he would do that. I don't know if, because I'm here, he lets all the work slide to me because he knows I'll take care of it. Beats me, but it's scary. He's a great dad, don't get me wrong....but it worries me. Stuff like that.
Anyway, he's up now. And maybe on that note, I will go take a nap. haven't been feeling good lately and the baby is sleeping and my daughter is playing quietly in her room.
Off I go....to sleep in my bed, with the window open and the breeze coming in with the rain coming down gently.
It's tiring be a stay at home mom. I got up this morning and took care of the kiddos, took out the trash for the garbage guys, fed the dog, the cat, and did some dishes.....all while my husband slept downstairs on the couch. It is annoying, I won't lie. I'd love to be able to sleep half the day away. I went down there at 10 and tried to get him up and going....didn't work. At 11am I went down and told him to get his ass up. He told me to leave him alone. I can't. If I did he would still be down there now.
I know he's depressed, I know it's PTSD and not laziness. It's still hard though. I worry constantly about something happening to me. If I died or was incapacitated, my kids would be screwed. I told Hubs that today, and he told me he'd be able to take care of the kids. Not sure how he would do that. I don't know if, because I'm here, he lets all the work slide to me because he knows I'll take care of it. Beats me, but it's scary. He's a great dad, don't get me wrong....but it worries me. Stuff like that.
Anyway, he's up now. And maybe on that note, I will go take a nap. haven't been feeling good lately and the baby is sleeping and my daughter is playing quietly in her room.
Off I go....to sleep in my bed, with the window open and the breeze coming in with the rain coming down gently.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Back to School
I'm rejoining the work force and I'm not quite sure how I feel about it. My background is education but I haven't worked since June of 2011. I was on Family Medical Leave until December due to my high risk pregnancy and then the birth of my son and recovery after the c-section. When it was about November, I started panicking. I couldn't imagine leaving my baby boy home all day with his father.
Don't get me wrong, Hubs is a great dad, but at the time our son was colicky and the PTSD combined with the colic made it a horrible situation. I ended up resigning in December and have been home ever since.
One of the many stressors Hubs has is money. Yeah, I know...who doesn't have that stressor? But Hubs obsesses about it. I think I've said before, even if we had a million dollars, I still think he'd be worried about us going broke. He can't work right now, and I can. I started thinking a few months ago about the possibility of me returning to work. We are together 24-7 and there are days I just want to get away! LOL, even without the PTSD issues, if you're stuck in a house with your spouse all the time, you're bound to go a little cuckoo.
I applied to a few teaching positions but none of them were the right fit. Either I didn't have quite the right credentials, or the job location was a bit of a drive. I was really looking for a part time position, but the only one I found didn't call me. Poo on them! I started to give up on the idea of going back to work, but I would randomly apply if a position struck my fancy.
One of those jobs was for a teacher's aide position in my daughter's school. I applied on a whim and 3 (yes THREE) interviews later, I got it. It's perfect really. It pays exceptionally well for an aide position and its only 4 hours a day. I'll be able to get our daughter up and on the bus in the morning, spend time with my son, and then go to work. Then I'll be able to be home to get her off the bus too. Plus, as an aide, there's really no stress. Yes, i'll be working with students who I'm sure will be stressful at times, but as an aide, I don't have to stay late to do lesson plans, or run IEP's (blech), or do teacher nights or anything. It's really a great position.
So why do I feel kind of sad? I have loved being home. I'll miss the freedom of being able to run out and do errands whenever I want during the school day. But, i'll make a little money and have a break from home and Hubs and baby boy will have a chance to bond, which I'm thrilled about. They already have bonded, but this will help Hubs step up I think.
So my summer is going to end in about a month. EEEK! Back to school, back to school! Ive spent most of the summer just relaxing and chilling and now that it's going to end I have a need to pack as much as possible into these last few weeks!
Friday, August 3, 2012
Get OUTSIDE!
I don't know about you, but when I was a child my mom kicked my butt outside as often as she could. Actually, I don't think she really had to boot me outside....I lived in a small town and I was always riding my bike around town, visiting friends, playing in our yard, and making frequent trips down the highway to the Dairy Bar.
Well, fast forward many years later. Now I'm the mom with a young daughter. My kid is a freaking genius. I know, I know...moms say that about their offspring, but in my case, I swear it's the truth. My daughter has a natural gift in the arts. She's always drawing something, glueing pieces of paper together to make awesome creations, and forever cutting up paper and string to fashion together something unique. She's also really, really good at electronics. Maybe it's the age, but she can work an iPad like nobody's business. In fact, the child is ALWAYS on something electronic. The other day I walked into the kitchen and saw her playing on the iPad wile simultaneously working the desktop with her DSI laying next to her.
Oye.
It's not like I don't try to get her outside. She will whine and complain if I tell her to go play outside. I don't remember fussing like that to my mom. She's almost 7 years old and still doesn't ride her bike without training wheels because it's like a punishment worse than death if I "make" her ride. Today her dad and I were both out there trying to get her going on it, and she got close but after about 5 minutes she declared she was done.
What can I do? I think of that old expression, You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. She just doesn't want to play outside. Well, enough is enough. She has one month left of summer and I'm forcing her outside everyday for at least a half hour. She's going to whine and drive me crazy with her complaints, but oh well.
A part of me blames myself. Last summer I was very pregnant and not in any way could I go outside and play with her. I tried and I was miserable. Her dad was in a bad spot with his PTSD that year and so he wouldn't help her. The year before we were separated and we did spend more time outside, but not a tremendous time. To be honest, I'm not very outdoorsy. I should be....I live in Wisconsin where there's so much outdoorsy stuff to do.
Okay, new rule to myself too....get outside every day, even if for 10 minutes and enjoy the sun! (or light rain, or fog....and a little snow when that comes around)
Well, fast forward many years later. Now I'm the mom with a young daughter. My kid is a freaking genius. I know, I know...moms say that about their offspring, but in my case, I swear it's the truth. My daughter has a natural gift in the arts. She's always drawing something, glueing pieces of paper together to make awesome creations, and forever cutting up paper and string to fashion together something unique. She's also really, really good at electronics. Maybe it's the age, but she can work an iPad like nobody's business. In fact, the child is ALWAYS on something electronic. The other day I walked into the kitchen and saw her playing on the iPad wile simultaneously working the desktop with her DSI laying next to her.
Oye.
It's not like I don't try to get her outside. She will whine and complain if I tell her to go play outside. I don't remember fussing like that to my mom. She's almost 7 years old and still doesn't ride her bike without training wheels because it's like a punishment worse than death if I "make" her ride. Today her dad and I were both out there trying to get her going on it, and she got close but after about 5 minutes she declared she was done.
What can I do? I think of that old expression, You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. She just doesn't want to play outside. Well, enough is enough. She has one month left of summer and I'm forcing her outside everyday for at least a half hour. She's going to whine and drive me crazy with her complaints, but oh well.
A part of me blames myself. Last summer I was very pregnant and not in any way could I go outside and play with her. I tried and I was miserable. Her dad was in a bad spot with his PTSD that year and so he wouldn't help her. The year before we were separated and we did spend more time outside, but not a tremendous time. To be honest, I'm not very outdoorsy. I should be....I live in Wisconsin where there's so much outdoorsy stuff to do.
Okay, new rule to myself too....get outside every day, even if for 10 minutes and enjoy the sun! (or light rain, or fog....and a little snow when that comes around)
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Insanity Workout Day 1
There's nothing like a killer workout program to fully tell you how un-inshape you really are. I've been working out regularly since May using such programs as Hip Hop Abs and TurboJam. Well, Hubs told me the other day he was feeling inspired by my dedication and wanted to tackle Insanity.
Insanity is advertised as "the hardest workout on DVD". I didn't really want to do it, to be honest. I sometimes have difficulty with TurboJam and I wasn't so sure about doing the hardest workout on DVD. However, I was super pumped that Hubs was expressing an interest in it. Soooo, I ordered it and we decided to do the program together. It came the other night and we waited until last night to open it.
The very first thing to do is the fitness test. It's about 8 moves that you do to see how many you can pump out in 1 minute increments. The idea is to improve your score every time you do the fitness test, which is supposed to be every 2 weeks. Let me tell ya....just the fitness test wore me out! I actually thought Hubs was going to pass out. I think it's safe to say that I'm in better overall physical health than he is. We got done with the test and he was drenched in sweat. He then went upstairs and threw up in the bathroom.
Today I got up and went downstairs to do the first workout of the actual program: Plyometrics. Before Insanity, I had no idea what Plyo was. Now I know it's a nasty way of torturing you. The workout alone about killed me. The crap thing is, the warmup (and the subsequent workout) repeats itself. You get done with the warmup and you think to yourself Thank God, moving on to something else when really, you repeat the warmup 3 more times increasing in intensity each time. Same goes for the workout. You do a set, you think you're going to die....you get a 30 second water break and then you go and do the set all over again increasing your intensity.
Holy shit.
To be honest, I spent more time taking a break than actually working out this morning. At one point I sat down on the couch and just stared in awe at the tv screen. The people working out with Shawn T. started getting red in the face, the men's shirts came off....by the end of the workout a few of them looked like they were about to puke.
Hubs hasn't done it yet. He says he will tonight and I'm going to hold him to it because he made me buy the damn workout program. I tell you what, they say "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger". Well, I should be She-ra by the end of this 60 days.....as long as I don't die!
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