Snowed In = Cabin Fever!

Like the majority of the Continental United States, my state has been slammed with sub arctic temperatures thanks to that whole Polar Vortex thing going on.  We found out late Friday afternoon that school was canceled for Monday and let me tell you, I was THRILLED!  A 3 day weekend?  Yes, please!

Of course, the temps outside made it impossible to play in the snow.  Friday night Hubby actually volunteered the idea of us all going to a fish fry.  I was stunned since he hardly ever wants to go out in public.  However, by the time dinner time rolled around, the temperature was already pretty brisk so we decided to stay in.  Sunday we trekked the 20 feet across the backyard to our neighbors house to watch the Packers/49ers game.  Let's just say, as a Bears fan, I was quite happy with the result.  Hubs took the loss pretty well too, considering he bleeds green and gold.  After the game we ended up playing Apple to Apples with the neighbors and just enjoying the company.  We don't socialize much, so it was really nice to just be with other adults!

Yesterday it sure was COLD.  Cold doesn't even seem to adequately describe the weather outside.  I mean, seriously, waking up to -50 degrees with the windchill is crazy.  I ran out once and grabbed up some snow and made the kids ice cream with it.  I've never done that, but it was pretty good.  I think I was more into it than the kids but oh well.  It was still fun and I kept the kids pretty active all day.

Today is another story.  Cabin fever seems to be setting in here.  The roads are clear so I could go run errands but it's still wicked cold out and I really have no desire to go out in it.  Hubs has been out a few times to run and get things but he even says its cold and that man wears flip flops in winter and doesn't believe in coats.  He went and got the new Xbox.  We aren't gamers really, but I've been really happy to have it the last few days.  The kids are into Just Dance and Hubs and I are bonding over racing games and Battlefield. 

Our daughter and I go back to school/work tomorrow.  I'll be glad to get out!  I've really enjoyed being home for my husband though.  This time off reiterates how much I want to be able to stay home with him, but momma got bills! 

End of year post

Well, here it is…..6pm on New Year's Eve and I'm lounging at home with my family.  We have no plans to go out.  Are you kidding?  With the crowds and the drunk drivers on the road we hardly ever go out on New Years Eve.  However, Hubby just had his gall bladder out the day after Christmas so even if we were up to going out, he's not up to going out.

2013 hasn't been the worst year nor has it been the best.  We've definitely had our fair share of heartaches in the year as well as some nice moments.  I can only hope that this next year is better than this year.  My little brother is getting married in 2015, Hubby is getting his C&P for Permanent and Total, I'll still in grad school, and who knows what else.

May the new year bring you peace and love.

Understanding

This has definitely been a very trying time of year for us--- for him.  It always is, every year.  However, he finally let down his walls this past week and let me in.  I know, as I have known all along, that his anger is his defense mechanism that flares up when he feels upset.  He very rarely shows sadness or fear to me.  Anger is almost always the predominant emotion and that can, and does, cause a lot of tension and frustration between us. 
This past week he let me in.  He cried on my shoulder, he talked to me about his traumas instead of shutting me out, and he let me help him.  I felt like we were partners again and not strangers or enemies living in a house together.  I wish it could be like that more often.  If he would let me in and allow me to be there for him, I think we'd have a much better relationship.  Instead, he tries to act tough and keep things from me because he doesn't want to hurt me or expose me to his pain.  What he doesn't realize is that yes, the things that he has gone through and what he has to deal with on a daily basis are horrific, but they don't have the same hold on me that they do on him.   He could lean more on me and let me share his stress or take it away.  Ironically, by trying to protect me and keep me from his pain by acting out in anger, he ends up hurting me more with his outbursts and anger.  

I need to hang on to these moments and remember that underneath the mean words and sarcastic, biting comments, is someone who is hurting and in pain.  Let me be clear, it's not okay to be nasty and Lord knows, he needs to work on communicating better and thinking about what he's going to say before he blurts out horrible things.  That being said, I can work on things too and try to be more understanding.  I do vent frustrations and lately I've gotten pretty despondent and bitter about how things have been going.  I need to take time for myself in a healthy way.   

Bottom line, I need to make sure to take time for my own mental health. I can't help him if I'm not in a good spot.  Hubby needs to take time and think before he acts and let me in instead of keeping me away.  I'd love to say that this is going to happen right away but let's be real.  He has had PTSD for 10 years and we're still trying to figure it all out.  I don't have all the answers and neither does he.  

What works for you?  What doesn't?


  

Tis the season...

I'm so stressed out.  This time of year should be fun, but instead it leaves me tired, depressed and stressed.

In fact, this entire Fall has been awful.  Our daughter has had some really difficult issues to work through these last few months. I think we *finally* are at a place with her in her treatment that is a good place to be.  She's gained weight, seems happier, and overall is doing much better. It definitely took its toll on Hubs and I thought.  When she was at her worst, Hubs couldn't stand t be around her so I did a lot of it solo.

This time of year is also hard because there are lots of anniversaries for my husband.  While he admits he has never been a huge Christmas nut, ever since he got out of the service, he has shown little excitement for the season. He tries, for the kids, to be happy and cheerful. If it were up to him, however, he would stay in our basement from about Halloween until February.  Christmas is my favorite time of year, or it used to be…..I try hard not to let his depression be contagious and zap my holiday spirit.  It's hard though.

To top it all of, Hubs recently put in for his Permanent and Total since he's 100% and it's been over five years since he was discharged. This, however, has added even more stress to him. For instance, today he freaked out because he realized that his paperwork was wrong. He had used a service officer to submit it. When he found out the guy screwed up, he went ballistic.  He had me call but he refused to talk to them so with me being the go-between he wasn't satisfied with the answers. He then went over the guy's head to the top.  His service officer called Hubs back and oh…guess what…..not that big a deal. He'd fix it.

I guess that's the part I'm so frustrated about personally.  Hubby has no patience at all. He takes any bit of information and flies off the handle with it.  It's not just the paperwork, it's everything.  Kids act up, he can't handle it.  Someone says one little thing to make him mad, he yells at them.  His temper is awful lately.

I'm hoping and praying this most recent bout of PTSD anger gets over quickly.  I feel awful for him.  He has panic attacks daily now and he's so miserable.  I pray for peace for him and for us as this Christmas season arrives.

Late night/Early morning

Here it is.....4:15 in the morning and I'm wide awake.  It's becoming a nasty habit, this staying up til all hours of the morning.  It started the night before last with a really bad migraine.  I had taken our daughter to see Frozen and after we came home I noticed a bit of a headache creeping in.  I figured it was the usual holiday headache.  I don't know about you, but holidays usually bring about a headache at one point or another.  I think it's because I want the holidays to be perfect and I try too hard.  Eventually the stress gets to me.

Anyway, I laid down with a slight headache and when I woke up about an hour later, it was a full blown migraine.  I ended up sleeping on the cold floor in our very small bathroom next to the toilet.  I felt like my head was going to explode out of my eye socket.  If you are unlucky enough to experience bad headaches, you know what I mean by that.  Anyway, I was in there on the floor for hours.  Hubs came in after I'd been in there for awhile bringing me two excedrine migraine pills and some pepsi to take it with.  I was so thankful!  I was able to lay back down and sleep well and when I woke up at about 1am the migraine was much better.  Only problem was, then I was wide awake and I stayed awake until about 5am.

The next day, Thanksgiving,  Hubs and the kids left to go to my inlaws and they left EARLY so he could be there in time to watch the Packers on tv.  I was going to go, I really was.  Hubs took one look at me and told me to stay.  I got some much needed sleep and tackled a massive paper that is due on Monday for class.  However, I missed out on all the yummy food and family times which was a bummer.  My Thanksgiving meal consisted of Snickers ice cream, some taco dip and Pepsi.

So here it is, late at night or early in the morning, depending on how you look at it.  I cannot sleep.  I fell asleep earlier on the couch and woke up around 2am and now I'm up.   This is not a good cycle I want to get into.....Monday morning that alarm clock is going to be going off and it's going to be tough for me, I can tell already.

So why can't I sleep?  Maybe too much going through my head these days.  My mind is filled with all the things on my to-do list.  Things like:  getting out all the Christmas decorations, finding a tree, finishing up my paper, making sure Hubby gets to his appointments this week, making sure my daughter gets to her OT appointments.  Then I'm worried about how she's doing.   Is she adjusting well, will this OT help with her issues?  What about my son?  He still isn't talking much and the speech path will be here this coming week to help him.  Is he making progress?  I just want my 2 year old to talk!  I can't wait to hear him say "i love you"

I need to remember to breathe.  I can't do everything at once and I need to remember that.  It's hard though.  Maybe I'm up this late because it's the only time I can really process things without being interrupted.  I don't know. 

Sleep......come to me

We'll always have Paris

Things are tough around here.  The household has been under a lot of stress this fall with our daughter's         issues going on and with stress building up from PTSD.  I honestly don't know what the future holds these days.  The other night hubs and I had a fight.  It started out small, but don't most start out that way?  I was in the laundry room which is in a part of the basement that isn't finished.  Hubs opened the door and threw a huge handful of clothes at me.  I was already having a bad day, and that just irritated me.  I knew he had no intention of doing any of that laundry.  I told him so, and he smarted off and started throwing toys in the room too.

To make a long story short, I open handed slapped him across his chest when he picked up a tray of toys to chuck in there.  I lost it.  He has been going into rages lately and been throwing things.  For example,   he recently got mad and threw a wooden spoon across the kitchen breaking it in half.  When he picked up that tray I thought, "oh no you don't!".  I told him to stop but my words mean nothing and instead of walking away I slapped him.

I hate that I did that.  I don't want to be that person.  He hurts me with words so I hurt him with my hand.  I don't think so.  That's NOT RIGHT and it CANNOT happen again.

Who have I become?  What has become of our marriage?  I am so sad all the time, and I have no patience anymore.  I cannot remember the last time we kissed or hugged or the last time he said "I love you" without me saying it first.  When we first got together, we laughed a lot and had so much fun together.  I honestly cannot remember when we last laughed together.

It's coming up on Thanksgiving.  Almost a decade ago I became engaged in Paris on Thanksgiving Day.  That was the best time I can remember having with my husband.  I felt like the center of his universe.  We laughed together, seeing the sights of Paris and exploring together.....Without any inkling of the struggles that lay ahead of us.  I still remember riding the bus and seeing Napoleon's tomb with him and viewing Notre Dame.  We only had a weekend and the highlight was him proposing under the Eiffel Tower after dinner.  When we left Paris we said someday we'd be back.  Maybe for our 20 year anniversary.

Now, I am not even sure we will make it to our 20 year. Heck, I'm not sure I'll make it to my 10 year anniversary.  That makes me heartbroken.  When you get married you get married for life.   You promise for better or worse, sickness and health.  But what happens when that person you married seems to have become a completely different person.  I feel like I'm in mourning for what could have....what SHOULD have been.

I don't know what the future holds, but at least we'll always have Paris.  That is a memory I will treasure forever.

my daughter has an anxiety disorder

 Have you ever seen those depression medication ads on TV?  The ones where they discuss how living with depression affects everyone around you?  Living with someone who has PTSD definitely affects everyone in the household and while I'm an adult and can deal with the roller coaster of emotions (most of the time!), my babies are not adults. They're just that......my babies.  A recurring nightmare/worry I have is that living with someone who is often mad, agitated, or withdrawn will have lasting negative affects on my children.

Parenting is hard enough without having to throw that in the mix. For the most part, I think my kids are dealing with it okay.  My youngest is just a toddler and I don't think it's really affected him much at all yet.  Hubs is around our son more than I am, since I work outside the home and go to school and he stays home with him.  Hubs does well with him.

He wasn't always so involved.  When our daughter was our son's age she was living with her dad when he was at one of his lowest points.  She was there when we went through the medical discharge of the Army and the subsequent "Hell Year" when Hubs wasn't receiving any assistance from the VA and was self medicating with alcohol and herbs.  She was in the home when he kicked in doors to yell at me, and she witnessed him punching walls in frustration.  My worry about her well being and psyche living with that turmoil is the largest reason I decided to split from my husband.  For over a year I lived in my parents basement and he lived with his parents and our little baby girl was shuffled back and forth on weekends. It worked out in the end.....the separation forced him to take a good look at himself and decide if he wanted a family or not. It was due to that separation that he decided to seek residential help at the VA. 

However, I worry that all that frustration and stress has had it's affect on my oldest child.  My baby girl suffers from anxiety and has developed really poor social skills.  It's been such a struggle with her lately.  At our whit's end, we enrolled her in a day treatment program to help her focus on her anxiety.  You see, my little baby girl has become a picker.  She picks her skin, leaving open wounds on her arms, legs, and thighs.  In addition to that, she also has some anger problems to address and it's been a real challenge living with her these last few months.

I think back.....when she was two, and Hubs was deployed, I had her evaluated for early speech.  She didn't qualify.  In addition to not qualifying (she was close), the evaluators also said she had great social skills and was advanced.  So here it is, half a decade later, and she's gone from having advanced social skills to having very poor social skills.  Is it my fault?  Is it because she saw her dad suffer in those early years after he returned from war?  Did she witness all the yelling, anger, and sadness and somehow internalize it into this?

I know I can't beat myself up over this.  There's no way to reverse time and do things differently.  I did what I did because I thought it was the best at the time for all involved.  But it still hurts.  And it still sucks...