Hot days cool nights

This summer has been busy, busy, busy.   After I decided to ixnay the whole Social Work degree thing, I started teaching a self-contained life skills class this summer.  I was approached to do it by an administrator in the district to do it since she knew I had a teaching license in that area.  It sounded okay to me, half days for four weeks and there were four aides and another teacher in there with me.

Holy cow, it's not easy!  Even with two teachers, it's so time consuming.   It makes me wonder if I'd ever want to teach a self contained class again.  I love the kids, but being together that long, whew!  Today I went with one student to an outside class because his aide that goes was sick.  It was a sports class where all they do is play field games.  I couldn't help but think to myself that this was grossly unfair.   This teacher gets paid the same amount I do, and she plays kickball everyday while I'm running around making copies, planning full blown lessons.....jeez.

But I still like it a lot.  I'm still committed to making teaching my career and not treating it like a passing job.  There were two open positions that opened up for a special education teacher so I applied.   I don't technically have my cross-cat license here, even though I've taught it in the state.  I was just so happy to get an interview!   I thought it went really, really well and I still think that even though I got an email today saying that they're going with other candidates.

I am not too upset.  I emailed back asking for feedback because I figure I can use their advise in the future for interviews.   I'm thinking it's because of the license snafu, but I'm happy to continue to work for the district as a para, especially while I'm back in school.   No worries!

I feel like this blog doesn't really fit me anymore.   I started it as a way to vent about my problems and struggles with my husband's PTSD.  I'm happy to report that we're finally in a good place and that the good place has lasted now for awhile.  I still think my hospitalization back in March really helped our marriage by making us realize how much we rely and appreciate each other.  However, i'm thinking I'm going to change this blog soon, or maybe move to another blog altogether.

Changes coming soon!

What I want to be when I grow up

If you follow my blog at all you have noticed a recurring theme.  The theme is that I don't know what I want to be when I grow up.  I have my bachelor's degree and have worked in the school systems for years.  While I liked my jobs, I always thought about that next step in my career.  I just wasn't sure what that next step was.

This past winter I thought I had figured it all out.  I applied and was accepted into the University of Wisconsin's School of Social Work for my masters degree.   When I got the acceptance letter, I was giddy with excitement.  Since that day, I have gone through a lot of emotions with the whole process.  For starters, even getting anything done at the university seemed to take quite a long time.  I soon began             to realize that I really was a very small fish in a large pond.  Combined with that, as the school year ended, I started to feel nostalgic and sad.  On the very last day of school, one of my students ran back and gave me a hug goodbye.  That was significant because all year this kid had yelled and complained that I was pushing him too far.  I almost cried when he did that gesture.

Before beginning my masters, I had to complete a statistics class.  It was supposed to start today.  Again, as time came, I started to think more and more about going back to school.  I realized that I'd be gone all day and when I got home I'd be studying.    The university is about an hour from me, so that's a lot of travel time.  I knew it'd only be for two years, but lately the Hubs and I have really got along and as a family we've enjoyed spending time together.  I realized that as much as I wanted to be a social worker (and I do!) I wanted to be around my family more.  I didnt want to miss special events in my children's lives and I wanted to be able to be there for them and Hubs.

So tonight I went online and canceled my class and withdrew from this semester.  That means no social work program in the fall since I needed the stats class.   A large part of me is sad, I'm not going to lie.  I know that at some point in the future I may wonder "what if" and regret not going to school.  However, a bigger part of me is relieved.  I'm also excited.  I have always treated my teaching jobs as just that....jobs.  Now I'm going to start treating it as a career.

Still going and it's June

For whatever reason, the school district I work at and my kids attend is going one whole week longer than everyone else in the counties around us.

What. The. Hell.

I'm okay with the fact that by being in Wisconsin we go longer than other states.  I have friends in Colorado who were done with school 3 weeks ago.  The weather up here in the Upper Midwest sucks in the spring and this year has been especially wet and nasty, so it's not like I've missed out on a ton of beach days by working.  But knowing that we are one of the last schools to get out for summer.....torture.

It doesn't help that I have colleagues who happily changed their facebook statuses on Friday at 3:00 o'clock on the dot.  Statuses such as "School's out for the summer", "FREEDOM" and "Closed for business" filled up my newsfeed all afternoon.  One ex co-worker even commented to me how she would be thinking of me all this next week as she laid on the beach and sipped a beverage.  Darn her!  Meanwhile I will be stuck working the final week and I'm sure that this week is going to crawl by.

So for all you people whose kids have been out of school for weeks already, I hope you are enjoying yourselves and your kids because some of us are still working!

Kids will do the darndest things

My son has some sort of fascination with deodorant.   He's not even two yet.

The other day I caught him rifling around in my purse that I had stupidly left on the floor in a prime location to be burglarized.  He tossed my wallet, and found my Secret.  Hey, a girl always needs to be prepared to layer on a little extra freshness, right?  Anyway, he grabbed the blue container, ripped the lid off and before I could blink, he had rubbed some all over his sweet little head.

I didn't have time right then to give him a bath, so my child ran around for two hours with a white head and smelling like springtime.


About 20 minutes ago my daughter came to me with my husband's deodorant.   "Throw it away", I told her.  I figured if it was just laying around, then it must be empty.  Well, instead of tossing it in the garbage, she decided to give it to her brother who immediately rolled some onto his head.

Sigh......


At least it isn't Desitin.   When I was little my mom found me in my room covered in it.  Small prayer of thanks that I didn't come across THAT!

People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime

There's a quote I've heard before and while looking it up I realized that it's actually a poem.  I couldn't find the author's name but here it is below.  I think most people have heard the beginning line before:

Reason Season Lifetime

People always come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.
When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
It is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty,
Or to provide you with guidance and support,
To aid you physically, emotionally, or even spiritually.

They may seem like a godsend to you, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
This person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they just walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON,
It is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.
They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.

They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.
And like Spring turns to Summer and Summer to Fall,
The season eventually ends.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
Those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person anyway;
And put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas in your life.

It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.
Thank you for being part of my life,
Whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

Author – Unknown

**********************

It seems that a lot of friends have come and gone in my life.  Some have been my own choice, and others have been fate.  I'm sad to say that it seems another friend's season with me has come to an end.  This one was based on my own choice, but it still hurts.  I'm not perfect, I am human.  I'd like to not hold a grudge, be able to move past the pain and the feeling of being deserted in my time of need but I can't.  

You see, a friend of mine, someone I had become closer to throughout the last few months, and had hoped to continue to strengthen a bond with, hurt me.  It was during last month during my whole surgery ordeal when I was laid up in a hospital room and my kids and husband were left at home.  Offers of help and assistance came once....and I took her up on her offer of meals and support, only to have her never carry through.  

I got it.  She was going through some hard times in her personal life and although I was disappointed with her, I decided to let it go.  Until about a week after I was out of the hospital when a mutual friend ended up with surgery for her tonsils.  This friend of mine organized meals delivered to her house for a week, and other supports.  I am not begrudging someone help.  But I felt so......alone.  So abandoned. Why were my needs not as important as this other mutual friends? 

That whole situation put a bad taste in my mouth.  I have since distanced myself from her.  She hasn't called, hasn't texted, hasn't facebooked.  Perhaps this friend was not quite the friend I thought she was.  However, I am grateful for her.  She came along when I didn't really have any other supports around me.  She listened, made me laugh, and gave hugs.  And for all that, I thank her.  

parenting is so hard

I love being a mother.  That being said, it's damn hard.  My oldest, in particular, is exceptionally difficult.  When she was born she had some health concerns and I remember praying when she was in the NICU that she would grow up to be strong.  Well, she is definitely strong-willed and bull headed that is for sure.

I feel guilty but sometimes she drives me crazy.  She has an issue of wetting her pants because she is too caught up in stuff to go.  Not cool.  We have been to urologists, psychologists, and psychiatrists and  nothing has worked.  FYI - she also has ADHD which is the reason for the psychiatrist.  However, nothing has helped.  she wets her pants or will drip and then she smells.  Oh God, the smell.   My husband and I are at our whits ends.  It usually ends up with us yelling at her, and that doesn't help anything.

In addition to the pants wetting, she is also extremely sassy.  It's like a 17 year old trapped in a child's body.  If this is what she is like now, God help me when she's a teenager.

I heard once that if kids are difficult as babies they will be easier as teenagers and vice versa.  I really hope that smoother sailing is ahead for us because right now I want to rip my hair out in frustration.

A new appreciation

Things have been good around here.  In fact, things have been downright pleasant.  Even though the whole gall bladder surgery was a real pain in the ass (and stomach and side and back) I think the whole experience has brought Hubs and I closer together.  I think it did him good to see me laid up in the hospital and him be in charge of the kids and dog and house all by himself.  It made him realize how much I do.  In turn, I really started to appreciate everything he was doing while I was in the hospital.

Even after I was discharged, he continued to amaze me.  He has been really good about picking up the slack because I'm not supposed to lift anything over 10 pounds.  In fact, he yells at me when he sees me carrying our toddler around.  I tried to explain that I don't carry him that much and I carry him on my left hip.....opposite side of all my incisions.  But still he yells and I like it.

It means he cares.

One of the big things I noticed while I was in the hospital was his comments on facebook.  He left numerous posts about how he hated seeing me in pain; How he missed me.  He posted about how much he loved me and wished I wasn't in pain.  

That was HUGE. This is a guy who does not show emotion very much at all.  This is the guy who doesn't like me to even sit by him on the couch or hug him because it makes him uncomfortable.  For him to say all that, and then be so sweet and loving when I got home has been amazing.

We haven't argued in 2 weeks, which for us is huge.  We have been so used to having little spats and those have pretty much disappeared.  I'm not dumb.   I know that at some point this honeymoon period will go away and we will argue again.  But then again, maybe not.  Maybe this hospitalization was just what we needed to realize what we meant to each other.  I know I appreciate him more and I think he appreciates me more also.

Whatever it is, I'll take it.  And when things get bumpy down the road I'll try to remember this time and everything we've gone through because we definitely love each other and this surgery has brought out the good in both of us.

Thanks crappy gallbladder and stupid pancreas.  You faulty organs have helped my marriage more than any therapist has!