Breakthrough

  I got a phone call today from the Hubs.  They are few and far between when he's gone.  He's never been a big talker on the phone so I try not to take it personally.  Anyway, he called and said he'd had his trauma today in group and he'd been worrying about it all week.  I knew without asking what trauma he talked about:  The one that's haunted him the most....the death of his LT.  He has taken the blame for that death since it happened, even though it was in no way his fault.  I've tried telling him that, doctors, therapists, heck even the LT's widow told him it hadn't been his fault, but he never believed us.    Today he told me, he knew it wasn't his fault.

I was so incredibly happy hearing those words come out of his mouth.  I think a big part of his PTSD has rested with that incident and the blame he has been placing upon himself.  He told me that he felt like a weight had been lifted off of him and honestly, I almost started crying.  Finally, he gets it.  Finally, he can be at peace with himself.


I was curious of course to know what magical words of wisdom had finally gotten through to him.  He told me it was when the other veterans in his group began talking to him about it and explaining things that Hubs hadn't thought of before.  How it had been an ambush, how there is nothing he could have done to change what happened.  Hubs probably saved lives that day.

Hallelujah.  I mean that whole-heartedly.  I am not naive enough to think that this epiphany means that his PTSD is gone.  Hardly.  However, I am hopeful that this is a major step in the right direction to improving his self-esteem and self-worth.  I pray that the peace he is experiencing now remains and that he continues to make strides in his treatment.  The poor man has lived his life the last 7 years thinking he was responsible for the death of a beloved LT.  It has impacted him in so many negative ways that I'm biting at the chomp to see how this changes him.  Again, i'm trying really hard to keep myself in line.  Yes, he still has major Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and yes, he still has a lot a ton of issues to work through and address but surely this is great news and a step in the right direction.

One week down

I feel like I should be missing him more than I do. And I DO miss him, but it's also relaxing having him gone. I don't wake up every morning and have to worry about him. It's also not much harder without him here. I take care of the kids and the cleaning, cooking, etc 90% of the time anyway so it's not a big change that way. I don't think the kids are that affected either. Our daughter brings him up and asks if he'll be home before summer. I don't think she quite understands the time concept. And our son? Well, he is unaffected. Should I be missing him more? I think it's probably mutual....he has only called I think 2 times this week and both were extremely short calls. Course, to be fair, I never got phone calls from him when he was deployed either. He had said it was too difficult to call and hear us. Whether this is still the reason, I don't know. This next week is spring break for the munchkin. I'm trying to think of things to do so she doesn't drive me batty being home all week. Of course the weather is looking like crap, highs of mid 40's. Yuck! We are supposed to go to the zoo on Thursday and I'm meeting a few moms there so cross your fingers it's decent. Nothing like schlepping around in the rain at a zoo to make you miserable! So there ya go, we are still here. Week 1 of hubby in residential and we're doing alright

Holding down the fort - Day 1

I'm alone in my house with my two kids, the dog, the cat, and the bunny.  My husband has left for his 6 week adventure in the PTSD unit at a local VA hospital.  It's not his first stint in the joint, rather his 3rd.  He goes about once a year and it does help, for awhile.  Although, he hides his symptoms well and his social worker finally saw how he really can be and how badly affected he is in recent sessions so we're hopeful that he'll get more out of it this time.

  Part of me is happy he's gone because, let's be honest....being with someone who is severely depressed and anxious as well as mad at the world is not a happy place to be.  The last few weeks have been really, really hard.  He's been extra moody and snippy and he hasn't wanted to do anything with anyone.  His life has been sleeping in til noon, watching tv on the couch under a blanket all day, and staying up until the wee hours of the night just to wake up and do it all over again.  I breathed a sigh of relief once he was on his way because I knew he was going somewhere where he'll be safe and taken care of, and there will be way less stress around here.

It's time he go.

I will miss him though.  The kids will miss him too.  I know our daughter especially will miss him.  Last year Hubs told her that he was going to the North Pole to help Santa and the elves.  He did it to protect her so she wouldn't be burdened with the knowledge that her dad had to go to a special place for help.  However, after he left last year, it was really hard to keep up the charade to her.  I realized soon in that it's better to tell her the truth.  She deserves that.  So this year, I started prepping her early on.

"Daddy's going to go see some doctors that will help him feel better".

"Dad's going to miss you a lot, but he's going to be a better dad"

It is still hard.  He's been gone a whopping 10 hours and already she's asked when he's coming home.  He can't come home the first weekend there, so he will miss Easter.  Yes, he'll miss our son's first Easter.  In a way, it's fitting.  He missed our daughter's first Easter because he was deployed so I've done this before.
It sucks, but I'm praying....praying really hard, that maybe this time, he'll get some real help.  Help that just won't carry him through for a few months or a year tops, but help that will really touch him and help him face the demons head on and win.