Words

Words can hurt.  More than a punch, a slap in the face.  Words, once they are said cannot be taken back.  They are out there forever, ringing in the ears of those who heard the words.

Some words are meant to be cruel.  Others blast out unintentionally causing damage.  The pentup frustration, sadness, anger, and bitterness of a situation comes out in the words.  Other words come out, and they are heard wrong.  Wounding when it was not the intention and no explaining will soften the blow.

Be careful what you say.  Once they are out there, you cannot take them back.

Asshole

Why can't he be happy?   We've had a good run over the last few months.  I almost forgot how awful he can make me feel and how quickly he can make me cry.

He's definitely starting up one of his long cycles.  It seems an ugly twist of fate that he always gets this way in the fall.  Autumn is my absolute, hand's down, favorite time of year.  I love the pumpkins, the weather, football, corn mazes, haunted houses, candy apples....everything!   It's especially cruel then that during my favorite time of the year is when his PTSD is the absolute worst.  We miss out on so many family memories because he doesn't want to go, or doesn't feel good.   In the past I've stayed home not wanting to make memories without him.  I cling tight to the American family ideal.

It's crap.

I've got to just go out and do it myself.  He isn't going to be much use of anything for awhile.  All the freaking drugs he's on and none of them work to pep him up.   Nope.   The only drug that works at all for him is weed.  Seriously?   I'm like the biggest opponent to legalizing marijuana but unfortunately it's the only thing that makes my husband likeable.  And....he's out.   He doesn't have any and he doesn't have ready access to any.   So really, for the next unseen many weeks, he's just going to be a total ass.  It's totally unacceptable to me.  Having PTSD doesn't give you an excuse to be an asshole.   I get that he is stressed and worked up, but that doesn't give you the right to yell at me or the kids.

Earlier today I told him I was going to my mom's.  I was heading downstairs to get my laundry together when I stopped myself.  I'm always the one leaving.  Many years ago, we got into a huge fight and I kicked him out of the house.  He ended up going to his mother's and we remained separated for a year. Now, whenever we have a big enough argument that one of us should leave, it's always me.   He says it's because his mom told him never to leave the house again.

Thanks a fucking lot, mother in law.    How bout you think of your grandkids who have to be hauled across town to my mother's house and ripped from their beds?   Did you ever think of that?  NO!

I go, because it's easier.  It's easier than trying to make him leave.  He's such an ass when he gets that way, that he won't go willingly.  Instead of making an even bigger ruckus in front of my babies, I've always just packed a bag and talked about the "fun times" we'll have at grandma's.

Tonight I just decided not to do that again.  He's not physical, he won't hurt me or the kids physically.  Emotionally......well, he's hurt me so much in the past that I'm starting to get a pretty thick skin.  As far as the kids go, he's not too bad with them.  He knows when he's getting pretty bad and he'll leave and go into the basement.  That's where he is now, in the basement.

So, for now, we are not talking and we'll just go about our business as separately as possible.    I don't think the kids will be too affected.  They are used to their dad disappearing downstairs to play video games or needing time alone.

Am I fucking up my kids?  When I stop and think about it, I'm appalled that this is "normal" for my kids.  My only hope is to get through school, safe up money and put us in a better place.  One way or the other

Done.

It's amazing to me how quickly things can turn ugly and how effortlessly he can point the blame at me.

Earlier I blogged about new siding and the new roof and windows.   Hubs and I decided TOGETHER that this needed to be done and we discussed PRIOR to signing a contract how we would pay for it.  Today the window dudes came and installed three new windows and a new sliding glass door.  I was at work for most of it, but came home as they were finishing up.  Hubs was laying in the bedroom uninvolved in the process.  I heard the foreman come and so I went and told Hubs to come out and he said he had already talked to him.   Okie dokie.

Well, I went out to say bye and the foreman told me that the guys hadn't rehung our blinds because they had been installed incorrectly before.  I wasn't suprised, the people who owned the home before us must have been on something when they did some of the stuff to this house.   He left and Hubs wandered out.  I told him about the blinds and he started swearing and telling me it was my fault because I didn't tell them to hang them up.  Never mind the fact that I told him to come out and he didn't.  It's amazing how I turn into the verbal whipping boy.

Hubs got pissy and quit talking.  I went to my Bible Study (my one sliver of peace in my evening) and came home around 9pm.  I walked in and saw that nothing had been put away and so I cleaned up the kitchen and went to take a bath.  Right before I'm getting in the tub he comes to the doorway and asks "what's your problem".

I hate that.  What's my problem?  Whats YOUR problem?  A few minutes ago he came in and told me i was being bitchy.  I got that he is now stressed about paying for all this.  He then got mad because I"m not stressed.  I just don't get it.  We talked about it, he assured me all was good, all will be good, all is good.  I didn't have much to say.  I knew whatever I would say he'd twist it around in his head so I didn't even bother.

Then he told me not to talk to him tomorrow.  So, as he was walking out of the bedroom I told him happy birthday because tomorrow is his birthday.  He must have thought i was being smart because he told me Fuck you.

If I'm honest with myself.....the love is gone.  I know it, he knows it.  It sucks so badly to be in a marriage where you feel degraded all the time.  Why don't I leave?  Scared I guess.  98% of the time our marriage is miserable.  Maybe I hold out for that 2%.  I don't know.  I guess I'm also scared about how I would provide for my kids as a single mom.  I'd figure it out, but we wouldn't be able to keep the house, and I'd be financially ruined.  My daughter does not adjust to change well at all, so moving her again would be devestating for her.  She needs consistency.

So what do I do?  I guess.....I need to just focus on me and the kids.  I can't change him.  I can't make him happy, he can't make me happy so I'll focus on making myself happy and finding peace within myself.  

I'm going to go cry now.

what to do, what to do?

Hubs and I had a really bad argument the other day.  It was on the 4th of July and if you read the post from that day, it alluded to the fact that we'd had a nasty fight.  I was ready to just be done with it.  It started off a small thing, nothing really, but everything gets turned into a mountain of stress with the Hubs.  He got stressed and then he asked if I wanted a freaking separation.  WTF, no I do not.  I did that before, we were separated for a little over a year.  No, if we ever separated again, it would be permanently.

I figured he would calm down once he left, but he continued to send me nasty emails about how I was to leave him alone when he got home and how I wasn't "allowed" to talk to him.  What the hell?  I just let it go.  But, he was still pissy when he got home.  I remember he walked in the door, walked over to me, literally dropped our 9 month old on my lap and went out in the pool.  Nice.  Then later, he was even nastier.  I couldn't figure out what was his deal.  Then he started in on one of my family members and how he was a loser and an idiot because this particular family member is in the military and got a DUI and that is not how soldiers do things.  Anyway, he kept going on and on and the thing is....he was smiling while he was doing it.  He was enjoying that I was crying and so upset.  

That did it.  I told him I want a divorce.  "You're gonna get a divorce over that?"  Yes I am.   It wasn't the comments he made, it was the attitude, I saw the joy on his face while he made me cry.  He loved every second of it.  It made me sick, that this guy I married, who had once been so sweet, had turned into someone who enjoyed causing misery to others. 

The next day I went to my parents for dinner and I didn't mention a word to them.  I had been sick the day before so that was my excuse for Hubs not coming.  My dad took a family picture that day, and I remember he said something to me about photo editing my husband into the picture, since mom and dad are using that as christmas cards.  Whatever, is what I thought.  I managed to make it through the day without crying.

I got home and he came to me and got teary eyed and asked me not to leave him.  In a way, I think of it as abuse.  I don't think me means for it to be that way, but this is always how it is.  We fight, he's nasty, then he is sweet and calm and asks me to stay and he'll try harder.....until the next time it happens.  The crap thing is....I always fall for it.  I always have that little bit of hope that this time there really will be a change.

My husband sometimes reads my blog so when he reads this I am sure he won't be happy, but oh well. Here's the Gods honest truth.....I'm still not sure that divorce isn't the best option for me and the children.  I am not sure if I love my husband.  I love him but I don't know if I'm in love with him.  If we were single, I sure wouldn't be attracted to his personality now.....and I know he wouldn't be to mine.  We have nothing in common anymore except we created two little miracles that we both love.  

The other night, as we lay on the floor in our son's bedroom talking about things, we pledged to try and have more fun in our lives and be more easy-going.  That's one of the things I miss.....When we first got together everyone commented on how well we fit together.  We were both so easy-going and chill with everything.  We also both loved a lot of the same stuff:  live music, sports, traveling.   Now, he doesn't want to do anything and on the rare occasions he does want to go out, his good mood never lasts the entire day.  

PTSD has destroyed my happy little family.  My husband is a shell of what he once was.  He is so depressed, irritable, irrational and moody that it drives me bat-shit crazy.  I've become this hypervigilent, extra sensitive bitch woman who jumps on any little thing because if I don't stay on him and hound him, it won't get done.  Our daughter wets her pants and she's almost 7 and doesn't seem to care, and our son.....well.....he's good but I do worry about him too, growing up in this environment.

So why don't I go?  Why don't I pack up my babies and high tail it out of here?  Where would I go?  What would I do?  He's not a bad person.  he does love us in his own way and he does try.  He isn't physical, just intimidates when he gets mad with his words and actions.   I don't know what to do.  I am going to get my daughter and myself into counseling.  She needs it and I think I do too.  I need someone outside of the situation, NOT FAMILY, to talk to about this crap.  

I hate PTSD.

Not again

It's been a horrible past two days.  I have gone through so many emotions within the last 48 hours: anger, disbelief, frustration, sadness, bitterness.  I've had to be supermom and take care of the household on my own because Hubs has been out of commission over this.  Today I went down to the man cave and harped at him (again) until he finally got up.  I felt awful being so witchy, but life does go on even after something like this happens.  It's just so damn frustrating.  I guess I should explain...

Hubs goes to a VA about an hour away for a lot of his care.   He has done residential treatment at that VA and is getting ready to go back.   Every other Friday, I go with him to see his therapist there.  This is new, but I don't mind.  It gives me a chance to listen and put in my own two cents about how he copes with things, how things have been.  Anyway, we drove down there just to find out that the therapist (along with most of the doctors) had called in sick.  We had driven an hour for nothing.  Looking back, maybe it was an omen of some sort of things ahead.

Driving back home, he got the call.  I thank God that He was looking out for us because Hubs wasn't driving when he got that call.  We had pulled over and I had ran inside a Culver's to get some food.  Had Hubs been driving, I'm pretty sure he would have crashed so I firmly believe God was looking out for us. As it is, I came back out to the car and saw my Hubby hunched over in the passenger seat crying.  Shit. This cannot be good.  He told me to drive and then he told me:  One of his friends from residential treatment programs had died this week.  Suicide by Cop.  

My first thought was not of this man's family, but of my own.  I knew this was seriously going to fuck with my husband, and I was right.  

I'm so angry.  And I feel guilty for feeling angry.  A family out there is grieving their son, their brother.  But I am selfish and thinking of my family.  This isn't the first time someone he's been close to has died.  First in combat, then in suicide, now this.  How much more can this guy take?  Come on already!!  Those thoughts have gone through me.  Hubby is pretty closed off to the world, he doesn't like to get close to people and I'm usually trying to get him to open up and meet new non-military friends because I worry about him only having friends from the service or from the VA.  I want to keep him in an bubble where I only let in certain people, people who aren't going to call him late at night with meltdowns, people who aren't going to end up homeless, aren't going to kill themselves or someone else.  Is this so wrong??  I just want to protect him, and I can't.  I can't protect him from these people, because these are the people he connects to, and don't think that doesn't scare the crap out of me also!

So, once again, I must help him get through this.  Hubs does not grieve well.  He shuts himself off from society and his family.  He doesn't care about interacting with his children, his wife, his interests.  This will carry on for days, if not weeks.  I'm so mad, so Fucking mad.    These soldiers, sailors and marines are hurting, but their actions affect so many people and their families.  Their buddies, who they say know them best and would do anything for them, end up hurting them and leaving more scars.  My husband will lay around for days and I'll struggle to get him up and going, to help him remember he's still in the land of the living.  It sounds so harsh, but left to his own devices, I'm sure that would not end well either.  

The kicker is I know this will happen again.  Somewhere along the way, someone else he knows is going to lose their battle with PTSD.  I hate to be so pessimistic, but it's happened so many times.  All I can do is pray he keeps getting the help he needs, and that he finds some better, healthier ways of grieving, because this sucks ass.