Quitting my job

  I've been balancing a lot of things on my plate:  being a mother, wife, caregiver, educator, grad student, and so on and so forth.  I was about to burst from the stress of trying to keep all the plates moving without dropping one.  Eventually, something had to give.

I'm not a quitter, but sometimes, like the quote says, "quit the right stuff at the right time".  That's how I felt about my job.  I initially took the position as a teacher's aide at my daughter's school just to get out of the house and earn a little money.  I also wanted to get my foot in the door since I had a teacher's license and figured someday, when someone retired, maybe I could get a teaching position there.  It's not a hard job in theory:  Working 5.5 hours a day, home by mid afternoon.  However, it was just one more thing to balance in my hectic, stressful life and the reality of the specifics of the job were extremely demanding.

Back in January, Hubby got his Permanent and Total status, finally.  Around the same time, we also requested a re-evaluation for the VA caregiver program to see if he could qualify for the higher tier.  We got an email last week that yes, he has qualified and as a result, the stipend I receive for being his caregiver will increase.  After we received that news, Hubs and I talked and I put in my two week notice at work this past Friday.

I felt extremely guilty about resigning.  I knew that by doing so, it was going to stress out the teachers I work with and the administration would have to scramble to try and find a substitute or replacement for me in time.  But, at the same time, I knew that my priority had to be to my family.  The administration, thankfully, completely understood my situation.  I know that it's the right decision for me, my husband, and our kids.  By quitting, I'll be able to stay at home and take care of my husband's needs and our toddler won't have to be in daycare anymore.  So while I am sad to be leaving the staff I have grown fond of, and the students I worked with who made me laugh when I needed it, I am extremely happy and blessed to be able to stay home at this time with my husband and my baby.

PTSD and school/jobs

My husband has not worked a job since his medical discharge from the Army in summer of 2008.   He receives social security benefits and compensation from the VA so we have income from him, as well as income from my job.   So lack of funds has not been the issue.  However, not having a job has really affected him in terms of esteem and his mood.

It's funny how society judges you on your profession.   You go to a class reunion and you talk about what you do.  Meeting someone new on a date, you talk about your job.  Your kids talk about what their dad or mom does to their friends.  Imagine not having anything to say.....Imagine your children having to tell their friends that daddy doesn't work at all.   Kids may not judge, but their parents sure do.    Thoughts enter their brains.   "Oh, a deadbeat dad."   "What a schmuck".   Negative thoughts before they even know what the situation is.

For a long time my husband would lie about his career plans.  When asked, he would tell his friends that he was in grad school.  I told him that that would only get him so far.  Eventually people would wonder why he was still in school 5 years later for a two year degree.  Why did he lie?  Because he was embarrassed.  A lot of his friends from college are successful professionals.   It's sad that he sacrificed so much for our country, and has done more than a lot of people will ever do in their lifetimes and he feels that that is not enough.  

He did try to go to school a few years ago.  He had gone to residential treatment for 6 weeks and felt like he had his shit together enough to go back to school and get some kind of degree.  He enrolled at a small, private,  christian university close by to our apartment we were living in at the time.  For the first quarter he seemed to be thriving.   He was motivated to do well and was pulling good grades in his classes.   However, the roller coaster that is PTSD eventually set in about October and he withdrew from the university in January.  In the end, going back to school proved to be too stressful for him.  His grades began to plummet, he started skipping classes, and he eventually lost all interest in going.

  I'll admit, I was pretty discouraged when he quit school.  He had such potential.  He still does.  After that semester, the PTSD seemed to rear it's ugly head even more than usual.  He plummeted into a deep depression.  He couldn't be a soldier anymore, something he was excellent at, and now he couldn't seem to go back to school either.

Part of it had to do with fear.   He was consumed for several years with the fear that if he went back to school and eventually got a job, that the VA would declare him miraculously cured from PTSD and he would lose all his benefits.  The fear came from being scared about taking care of his family.  The benefits he receives are how he supports his family.  The thought of that getting taken away from him really scared the crap out of him.  He has finally, FINALLY, through opening up and talking to his psychologist started to realize that he will never lose all of his benefits.  He goes to therapy several times a week, and even though he's getting better at handling his disability, he still has a disability!

My husband has recently started talking about going back for some classes.  He has taken up an interest in gardening and considered a degree in botany.  He talked to his psych about it today, and while his psych was encouraging, he was also careful.  His psych made the comment that he would hate for Hubs to go back to school and somehow it ruin his interest in his hobby.  It's frustrating.  Part of me is like, "what does he know?"   But, on the other hand, I could see that potentially happening.  His doc did suggest that Hubs take a few noncredit classes somewhere for fun.  It's a step!

  It's frustrating because society judges him.  People just don't understand, I guess.  For example, during my recent girls weekend we talked about our husbands and of course the question came up, "what does your husband do?"  I give my standard answer that he is a combat veteran who is retired.  Sometimes, given the people I'm talking to, the conversation goes further on and I explain that he's disabled.  Anyway, this weekend that happened and I got the whole, "he can't do anything?"  

Um, yes he can do something.  He can keep fighting the fight.  He can keep going to treatment and working on being the best father and husband he can be.  We both hope that someday he can go back to school and maybe someday start another career.  However, just because he can't right now, that doesn't make him any less of a man, of a provider.  

I wish people/society would get that concept.  Wounded warriors are wounded for a reason.  Try walking a mile in their shoes.  I guarantee that most of society wouldn't be able to do that.  It's no wonder that they come back different people, unable to go back to how they were before.  If a wounded warrior can't go back to school or a job, it doesn't make them any less of a person.

What do I want to be when I grow up?

Decisions, decisions.  I've been blessed for the last year to be unemployed.  In today's economic pit of despair, that may sound trite or sarcastic.  Nope, I really mean it.  I have been able to stay home for the past year; First when I was very pregnant, and then after Jr. came I was able to remain at home.  For the most part, it's been lovely.  I love staying home with my little man.  I love being able to put Munchkin on the bus in the morning, and then be there when she comes home too.  I will say, that since both Hubs and I are home together, all day, every day....sometimes I do get a little crazy with togetherness.  But, that's a small price to pay.

As I said, I've been blessed to be able to stay home.  However, lately I've been getting the itch to get back out in the workforce.  Have a chance to make a little income, get out of the house for a few hours, and feel like I'm contributing to society.  (I realize I'm contributing in the best way already; raising children to be hardworking, decent humans, and taking care of a wounded warrior).  Then, when Hubs and I got into it a few weeks ago and the "D" word came up, I suddenly realized that if we were to get divorced, I'd be screwed.  I think we're over that issues (again), but I still would like to get back out there.

The question is, what should I do?  I am a teacher, licensed in grades K-12th.  Working full time though, is scary.  Hubs all alone every day, all day with Junior might make him go batty.  And he's not the best at getting up with the kids.  I envision a lot of late mornings, missed buses and frantic calls from him to my cell phone.  Yikes.

No, instead I've tried to look for jobs that are flexible and part time.  I interviewed last week for a position as a paraprofessional.  For those not in the education world, that means teacher's aide.  I did really well, and I'm invited back for a 2nd interview.  The committee asked why I would want to be an aide when I'm a teacher.  I explained that I still have a baby at home, this would let me work a few hours, and honestly, I wouldn't have the weekend lesson planning, the parents nights, the IEP meetings, etc.   I do wonder though, how I'll feel if I do get it.  Having someone else tell me what to do, how to teach it, etc.....might be nice at first but wondering if it'll drive me crazy.

Another opportunity I have looked into is that of a Family Engagement Coordinator.  It's VERY part time, as in 320 hours for the entire school year.  I like it because I can do it all from home and it could lead to bigger and better down the road.  I did a phone screening for that this past Thursday and waiting to hear back if I actually get to go in and interview.  

Eventually I would like to get a different career altogether.  The problem is, I have a lot of different interests.  I'm interested in Occupational Therapy, but that's a lot of school because it's a masters and I have none of the prereqs.  I also have an interest in school psychology or clinical psych.  Another area of interest is social work.  I would like to work with parents whose kids are in the Children's hospital.  See, lots of different areas and I don't want to commit to anything until I know 100% that I want to do it and stay with it.  Makes it a problem because I like aspects of all of them.

So for now, I'll continue to apply and interview.  If/when I do get hired on I think it will be bitter sweet.