I love being a mother. That being said, it's damn hard. My oldest, in particular, is exceptionally difficult. When she was born she had some health concerns and I remember praying when she was in the NICU that she would grow up to be strong. Well, she is definitely strong-willed and bull headed that is for sure.
I feel guilty but sometimes she drives me crazy. She has an issue of wetting her pants because she is too caught up in stuff to go. Not cool. We have been to urologists, psychologists, and psychiatrists and nothing has worked. FYI - she also has ADHD which is the reason for the psychiatrist. However, nothing has helped. she wets her pants or will drip and then she smells. Oh God, the smell. My husband and I are at our whits ends. It usually ends up with us yelling at her, and that doesn't help anything.
In addition to the pants wetting, she is also extremely sassy. It's like a 17 year old trapped in a child's body. If this is what she is like now, God help me when she's a teenager.
I heard once that if kids are difficult as babies they will be easier as teenagers and vice versa. I really hope that smoother sailing is ahead for us because right now I want to rip my hair out in frustration.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
A new appreciation
Things have been good around here. In fact, things have been downright pleasant. Even though the whole gall bladder surgery was a real pain in the ass (and stomach and side and back) I think the whole experience has brought Hubs and I closer together. I think it did him good to see me laid up in the hospital and him be in charge of the kids and dog and house all by himself. It made him realize how much I do. In turn, I really started to appreciate everything he was doing while I was in the hospital.
Even after I was discharged, he continued to amaze me. He has been really good about picking up the slack because I'm not supposed to lift anything over 10 pounds. In fact, he yells at me when he sees me carrying our toddler around. I tried to explain that I don't carry him that much and I carry him on my left hip.....opposite side of all my incisions. But still he yells and I like it.
It means he cares.
One of the big things I noticed while I was in the hospital was his comments on facebook. He left numerous posts about how he hated seeing me in pain; How he missed me. He posted about how much he loved me and wished I wasn't in pain.
That was HUGE. This is a guy who does not show emotion very much at all. This is the guy who doesn't like me to even sit by him on the couch or hug him because it makes him uncomfortable. For him to say all that, and then be so sweet and loving when I got home has been amazing.
We haven't argued in 2 weeks, which for us is huge. We have been so used to having little spats and those have pretty much disappeared. I'm not dumb. I know that at some point this honeymoon period will go away and we will argue again. But then again, maybe not. Maybe this hospitalization was just what we needed to realize what we meant to each other. I know I appreciate him more and I think he appreciates me more also.
Whatever it is, I'll take it. And when things get bumpy down the road I'll try to remember this time and everything we've gone through because we definitely love each other and this surgery has brought out the good in both of us.
Thanks crappy gallbladder and stupid pancreas. You faulty organs have helped my marriage more than any therapist has!
Even after I was discharged, he continued to amaze me. He has been really good about picking up the slack because I'm not supposed to lift anything over 10 pounds. In fact, he yells at me when he sees me carrying our toddler around. I tried to explain that I don't carry him that much and I carry him on my left hip.....opposite side of all my incisions. But still he yells and I like it.
It means he cares.
One of the big things I noticed while I was in the hospital was his comments on facebook. He left numerous posts about how he hated seeing me in pain; How he missed me. He posted about how much he loved me and wished I wasn't in pain.
That was HUGE. This is a guy who does not show emotion very much at all. This is the guy who doesn't like me to even sit by him on the couch or hug him because it makes him uncomfortable. For him to say all that, and then be so sweet and loving when I got home has been amazing.
We haven't argued in 2 weeks, which for us is huge. We have been so used to having little spats and those have pretty much disappeared. I'm not dumb. I know that at some point this honeymoon period will go away and we will argue again. But then again, maybe not. Maybe this hospitalization was just what we needed to realize what we meant to each other. I know I appreciate him more and I think he appreciates me more also.
Whatever it is, I'll take it. And when things get bumpy down the road I'll try to remember this time and everything we've gone through because we definitely love each other and this surgery has brought out the good in both of us.
Thanks crappy gallbladder and stupid pancreas. You faulty organs have helped my marriage more than any therapist has!
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Gall bladder
I started getting gall bladder attacks during my second pregnancy. I can remember being in my bedroom and then getting this God-awful stomach ache. It passed relatively quickly and I don't think I even realized at that point what it was I was dealing with. Then, last summer right before work started, I got about 3 days in a row that I go the attacks. The worst happened when my husband was out of town for the day and I was home with my infant and my little girl. The pain was so bad, I laid on my bedroom floor and thought to myself, "so this is what a heart attack feels like".
I did go in and get a both an ultrasound and a CT scan and sure enough, gall stones. Seriously? I had had some kidney stones a few years ago and my heart issues have always been around. One more organ giving me issues, oh come on! I did think about doing surgery, but starting back to work after my baby was quickly approaching and I knew I couldn't get in before work started. So, I put it off.
Months went by and I didn't think much of it. About 2 weeks ago, I got another attack. Again, hubby and this time baby were visiting family hundred miles away and so my mom came and took my munchkin for awhile. That attack lasted about 7 hours and then I was fine. In the back of my mind I planned to make an appointment over the summer to get the darn gall bladder out.
Well, fast forward to last Wednesday night. Hubby is always home late on Wednesdays. He called and said he was bringing supper home and supper turned out to be fried chicken and onion rings. I had one large breast and two onion rings and almost instantly I realized that they just didnt taste that good and I wasn't feeling so hot. We ate late, at around 7pm and I went to bed kind of early because I just didn't feel myself.
By midnight I was en route to the closest ER with my husband driving, my groaning in the front seat, and my two kids bundled up and sleeping in the back of the car. Hubs walked me into the ER and then went back out to stay with the kids. We wanted to let them sleep instead of taking them into the hospital.
I was very quickly diagnosed with gallstones and pancreatitis. WHAT? I had not even thought that was a possibility, that pancreatitis. Evidently one of the stones and gotten stuck in the duct between the pancreas and the gall bladder and my pancreas had "sludge" in it and was inflamed. THe docs told me I was being admitted and I'd have that sucker out pretty quick. I quick called my husband in the car and told him to take the kids home and back to bed. I figured they wouldn't be doing surgery until the morning and by then we could have a relative come and stay with the baby while our daughter was at school.
Turns out, that my cardiologist wanted me to switch to the hospital he was at. Made sense. I have unique cardiac needs. Let's just say, however, that the surgeon who was going to do it at the first hospital got his panties in a twist when he found that out. What a conceited, rude doctor? He came up and grilled me on why I would want to leave. So glad I got out of there!
My husband took me over to the other hospital and I got settled in, only to be told that since it was now Friday morning surgery would not occur until Monday. It was the weekend and they had to wait for my pancreas to heal up a bit. Know what that meant? Not only was I stuck in a hospital for days and days, but it also meant I couldn't eat ANYTHING the entire time. That's right, I had no food or liquid except ice chips for 5 days. That was the worst part, that and my pancreas making me want to kill myself because the pain was so bad. So bad in fact, that not even morphine could make it ease up all the way.
Now, you know my husband has anxiety issues. There he was, with his wife in the hospital and two kids to take care of at home with a puppy. He actually sent the two kids to my inlaws for the weekend. It still stunk because he wasn't there that much. I know he had lots to do but my mom, dad, and sister took over staying with me. I didn't mind for the most part, was just sad Hubs wasn't there.
I had my gall bladder removed yesterday. I remember when I was being wheeled down, that my husband was still not there. He had an appt at the VA to see his psych at 9am and with my surgery starting at 10 he had time to go. Turns out, he was more nervous/anxious than we realized and he didn't make it back before I went into surgery. He made it back before I was wheeled back into the room. In fact, he had been there for 5 minutes when the phone rang to let the family know how I was and when my parents reached for the phone, he got a little p.o about it. I saw both sides. Really, my husband was the one who should have asnwered and gotten all the info, but he wasnt there and even though my parents understood, I think it was weird for them because all my other surgeries as a kid, it was them waiting for the call from the OR. Oh well.....glad I was passed out and missed all that nonsense! It's a blessing really, that so many people were there for me.
The surgery went well. They did it laposcopically instead of cutting me open. It's less invasive that way, but let me tell you, they are still pulling an organ out of you through a hole in your belly button. OW! I woke up in the recovery room in pain. Later I felt much better and went without pain meds for quite a few hours. Last night the pain got pretty bad, but a few oxycodone and it was better.
So that's it. My gall bladder is gone. I'm still sore and my stomach is still swollen from where they pumped gas into me to see the organs better. I'm off work the rest of this week and then next week is spring break and i'm off 2 days after that is over because I can't go back until i see my followup appointment. I have an extended spring break I guess. Not how I wanted that to happen, but I'm hoping i feel better really soon.
My biggest problem is going to be the weight restriction. I can't lift over 10 pounds for 6 weeks because I could very easily give myself a hernia. Not a huge deal with my job, but I have a toddler. He is not going to understand that I can't lift him up in or out of his crib, or have him climb up on me. My poor Hubs is going to have to be the one to do all that and I'm a little nervous. I think he'll do great, but if the kids start acting up, I think my husband could get really snippy really fast. However, maybe I'm wrong. The week I was in the hospital, he did really well being the single parent. So proud of him!
That's my story. My pancreas is tender. I tell you what, if you have gall bladder attacks, run, don't walk to a surgeon and get an appointment to get that sucker taken out. I waited too long and as a result I didn't get to do it on my terms.
I did go in and get a both an ultrasound and a CT scan and sure enough, gall stones. Seriously? I had had some kidney stones a few years ago and my heart issues have always been around. One more organ giving me issues, oh come on! I did think about doing surgery, but starting back to work after my baby was quickly approaching and I knew I couldn't get in before work started. So, I put it off.
Months went by and I didn't think much of it. About 2 weeks ago, I got another attack. Again, hubby and this time baby were visiting family hundred miles away and so my mom came and took my munchkin for awhile. That attack lasted about 7 hours and then I was fine. In the back of my mind I planned to make an appointment over the summer to get the darn gall bladder out.
Well, fast forward to last Wednesday night. Hubby is always home late on Wednesdays. He called and said he was bringing supper home and supper turned out to be fried chicken and onion rings. I had one large breast and two onion rings and almost instantly I realized that they just didnt taste that good and I wasn't feeling so hot. We ate late, at around 7pm and I went to bed kind of early because I just didn't feel myself.
By midnight I was en route to the closest ER with my husband driving, my groaning in the front seat, and my two kids bundled up and sleeping in the back of the car. Hubs walked me into the ER and then went back out to stay with the kids. We wanted to let them sleep instead of taking them into the hospital.
I was very quickly diagnosed with gallstones and pancreatitis. WHAT? I had not even thought that was a possibility, that pancreatitis. Evidently one of the stones and gotten stuck in the duct between the pancreas and the gall bladder and my pancreas had "sludge" in it and was inflamed. THe docs told me I was being admitted and I'd have that sucker out pretty quick. I quick called my husband in the car and told him to take the kids home and back to bed. I figured they wouldn't be doing surgery until the morning and by then we could have a relative come and stay with the baby while our daughter was at school.
Turns out, that my cardiologist wanted me to switch to the hospital he was at. Made sense. I have unique cardiac needs. Let's just say, however, that the surgeon who was going to do it at the first hospital got his panties in a twist when he found that out. What a conceited, rude doctor? He came up and grilled me on why I would want to leave. So glad I got out of there!
My husband took me over to the other hospital and I got settled in, only to be told that since it was now Friday morning surgery would not occur until Monday. It was the weekend and they had to wait for my pancreas to heal up a bit. Know what that meant? Not only was I stuck in a hospital for days and days, but it also meant I couldn't eat ANYTHING the entire time. That's right, I had no food or liquid except ice chips for 5 days. That was the worst part, that and my pancreas making me want to kill myself because the pain was so bad. So bad in fact, that not even morphine could make it ease up all the way.
Now, you know my husband has anxiety issues. There he was, with his wife in the hospital and two kids to take care of at home with a puppy. He actually sent the two kids to my inlaws for the weekend. It still stunk because he wasn't there that much. I know he had lots to do but my mom, dad, and sister took over staying with me. I didn't mind for the most part, was just sad Hubs wasn't there.
I had my gall bladder removed yesterday. I remember when I was being wheeled down, that my husband was still not there. He had an appt at the VA to see his psych at 9am and with my surgery starting at 10 he had time to go. Turns out, he was more nervous/anxious than we realized and he didn't make it back before I went into surgery. He made it back before I was wheeled back into the room. In fact, he had been there for 5 minutes when the phone rang to let the family know how I was and when my parents reached for the phone, he got a little p.o about it. I saw both sides. Really, my husband was the one who should have asnwered and gotten all the info, but he wasnt there and even though my parents understood, I think it was weird for them because all my other surgeries as a kid, it was them waiting for the call from the OR. Oh well.....glad I was passed out and missed all that nonsense! It's a blessing really, that so many people were there for me.
The surgery went well. They did it laposcopically instead of cutting me open. It's less invasive that way, but let me tell you, they are still pulling an organ out of you through a hole in your belly button. OW! I woke up in the recovery room in pain. Later I felt much better and went without pain meds for quite a few hours. Last night the pain got pretty bad, but a few oxycodone and it was better.
So that's it. My gall bladder is gone. I'm still sore and my stomach is still swollen from where they pumped gas into me to see the organs better. I'm off work the rest of this week and then next week is spring break and i'm off 2 days after that is over because I can't go back until i see my followup appointment. I have an extended spring break I guess. Not how I wanted that to happen, but I'm hoping i feel better really soon.
My biggest problem is going to be the weight restriction. I can't lift over 10 pounds for 6 weeks because I could very easily give myself a hernia. Not a huge deal with my job, but I have a toddler. He is not going to understand that I can't lift him up in or out of his crib, or have him climb up on me. My poor Hubs is going to have to be the one to do all that and I'm a little nervous. I think he'll do great, but if the kids start acting up, I think my husband could get really snippy really fast. However, maybe I'm wrong. The week I was in the hospital, he did really well being the single parent. So proud of him!
That's my story. My pancreas is tender. I tell you what, if you have gall bladder attacks, run, don't walk to a surgeon and get an appointment to get that sucker taken out. I waited too long and as a result I didn't get to do it on my terms.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Stupid Groundhog got it WRONG.
I guess I really was sick and tired of being sick and tired.....I hadn't realized that it'd been over a month since I last blogged. I think the winter blues have gotten to me a little. I swear, this winter has been SO. INCREDIBLY. LOOOOOOONG.
The snow is driving me crazy. Here it is the middle of March and tonight the high is 9 degrees. That is insane. Why do I live in the upper Midwest again? Hopefully this is winter's last hurrah since spring arrives officially tomorrow.
Still waiting on grad school. I got an email that I've been recommended for admission to the program, but I still need official admittance from the university. I forgot to send in my final transcripts....oops. I'm hoping now that I've mailed them in, that I'll hear soon. Fingers crossed!
The snow is driving me crazy. Here it is the middle of March and tonight the high is 9 degrees. That is insane. Why do I live in the upper Midwest again? Hopefully this is winter's last hurrah since spring arrives officially tomorrow.
Still waiting on grad school. I got an email that I've been recommended for admission to the program, but I still need official admittance from the university. I forgot to send in my final transcripts....oops. I'm hoping now that I've mailed them in, that I'll hear soon. Fingers crossed!
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
sick and tired of being sick....and tired
The new year has not been kind to me so far in terms of my health. Nothing major, but I have had one thing after another go wrong since mid January.
First, I got an oh-so-lovely sinus infection. It started on a Wednesday and I made it through my work week but holy cow, I have not been that miserable in a long time. The pressure alone was enough to drive me crazy and then adding onto that the congestion and then the drainage.....uck. I went to urgent care but since my snot was clear and not green, they told me it was allergies. I do not think so! They gave me Flonase, which did absolutely jack crap for me. Mucinex is what finally brought me some relief.
Got through that, the whole cold and sinus infection lasted about two weeks. Then, last Wednesday I went to work with my tummy feeling a little queasy. Again, I was a trooper and made it through the day but by the end of it, I was freezing cold and felt like I was going to lose it from either end at any time. Got home, and didn't even make it to the toilet before I puked in the sink. Last week was rough, Thursday morning Hubs got the same thing, and Thursday night baby boy got it. We were a family swimming in germs.
Then, this morning, I woke up with a runny nose and cough. SERIOUSLY? I'm so tired of being sick. I need a vacation to somewhere warm where I can nap in the sun and swim in the clear, warm ocean. However, I don't see that happening anytime soon. So, until then, I will continue to take my multivitamin and disinfect the house with Lysol.
First, I got an oh-so-lovely sinus infection. It started on a Wednesday and I made it through my work week but holy cow, I have not been that miserable in a long time. The pressure alone was enough to drive me crazy and then adding onto that the congestion and then the drainage.....uck. I went to urgent care but since my snot was clear and not green, they told me it was allergies. I do not think so! They gave me Flonase, which did absolutely jack crap for me. Mucinex is what finally brought me some relief.
Got through that, the whole cold and sinus infection lasted about two weeks. Then, last Wednesday I went to work with my tummy feeling a little queasy. Again, I was a trooper and made it through the day but by the end of it, I was freezing cold and felt like I was going to lose it from either end at any time. Got home, and didn't even make it to the toilet before I puked in the sink. Last week was rough, Thursday morning Hubs got the same thing, and Thursday night baby boy got it. We were a family swimming in germs.
Then, this morning, I woke up with a runny nose and cough. SERIOUSLY? I'm so tired of being sick. I need a vacation to somewhere warm where I can nap in the sun and swim in the clear, warm ocean. However, I don't see that happening anytime soon. So, until then, I will continue to take my multivitamin and disinfect the house with Lysol.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Playing the "what if" game
Do you ever stop and ask yourself "Is this really my life"? And then after doing so, get depressed? I don't allow myself to think What If very much, but sometimes I do stop and wonder about how different our lives would be if PTSD had never entered the scene.
I'm pretty sure my husband would have stayed in the military. He was a damn good NCO and I know he would have progressed up the ranks. He had thoughts about becoming a warrant officer and I know that if he had pursued it, he would have excelled. Both hubby and I like to travel, so it would have been interesting to move around every three years in the military. I don't know if we would have lived on post, or maybe bought a house off-post somewhere. Our kids would have been military brats and I would most likely still be teaching. Moving every couple years would mean getting a new job for me, and teaching is portable. Or maybe I would have become a stay-at-home mom.....I would have loved that.
Or, maybe after a couple years, the deployments would have gotten too hard. Maybe Hubs would gotten out, or maybe retired early. I try and imagine Hubs going to work every day in a suit and tie. Part of me giggles out loud, because it has been YEARS since I've seen him in anything dressier than a sports coat and even that is so rare I don't remember the last time he wore one. I close my eyes and imagine him leaving in the morning, kissing me goodbye and then coming home at the end of the day to dinner on the stove, almost ready and the kids playing quietly. OK, maybe the kids playing quietly is a bit of a stretch.
Point is, I feel like i'm in mourning for the life we were supposed to have. Is that bad? If I start to feel bad for myself, even a little, Hubs tells me to stop feeling sorry for myself. I get so mad because I am hurting too. He has PTSD, but it's affected my life also. I sure did not foresee this as my life. The constant bickering, the worrying, the feeling of being inept at being able to help your partner. I so badly want the white picket fence and the happy family life. Why does it have to be so hard for us? Is this some kind of test? I sometimes tell Hubs that I feel like Job from the Bible.
Ok, enough, ENOUGH! See, if I sit here and pine about my life, I'll get depressed. I try to remain upbeat and I KNOW that there are so many people worse off than me, so I shouldn't complain. However, I think sometimes you just have to vent otherwise you'll go crazy. So that's what this was....a blog post about the "what if's". But that's not my life, my life does have PTSD in it and we aren't in the military anymore. My husband is unemployable and I do most of the work around here in child rearing and house keeping and that's just the way it is.
I'm pretty sure my husband would have stayed in the military. He was a damn good NCO and I know he would have progressed up the ranks. He had thoughts about becoming a warrant officer and I know that if he had pursued it, he would have excelled. Both hubby and I like to travel, so it would have been interesting to move around every three years in the military. I don't know if we would have lived on post, or maybe bought a house off-post somewhere. Our kids would have been military brats and I would most likely still be teaching. Moving every couple years would mean getting a new job for me, and teaching is portable. Or maybe I would have become a stay-at-home mom.....I would have loved that.
Or, maybe after a couple years, the deployments would have gotten too hard. Maybe Hubs would gotten out, or maybe retired early. I try and imagine Hubs going to work every day in a suit and tie. Part of me giggles out loud, because it has been YEARS since I've seen him in anything dressier than a sports coat and even that is so rare I don't remember the last time he wore one. I close my eyes and imagine him leaving in the morning, kissing me goodbye and then coming home at the end of the day to dinner on the stove, almost ready and the kids playing quietly. OK, maybe the kids playing quietly is a bit of a stretch.
Point is, I feel like i'm in mourning for the life we were supposed to have. Is that bad? If I start to feel bad for myself, even a little, Hubs tells me to stop feeling sorry for myself. I get so mad because I am hurting too. He has PTSD, but it's affected my life also. I sure did not foresee this as my life. The constant bickering, the worrying, the feeling of being inept at being able to help your partner. I so badly want the white picket fence and the happy family life. Why does it have to be so hard for us? Is this some kind of test? I sometimes tell Hubs that I feel like Job from the Bible.
Ok, enough, ENOUGH! See, if I sit here and pine about my life, I'll get depressed. I try to remain upbeat and I KNOW that there are so many people worse off than me, so I shouldn't complain. However, I think sometimes you just have to vent otherwise you'll go crazy. So that's what this was....a blog post about the "what if's". But that's not my life, my life does have PTSD in it and we aren't in the military anymore. My husband is unemployable and I do most of the work around here in child rearing and house keeping and that's just the way it is.
Friday, January 4, 2013
Applying to Grad School
I'm having a bit of a Peter Pan dilemma. I have really struggled with answering the question "What do I want to be when I grow up?" It took me what feels like forever in college to choose education as a major. After I got my degree, it did not take me long to think about returning to school to get an advanced degree. However, life happened that changed my plans. I got married, got pregnant pretty much right away, and then moved around with the Army. I kept telling myself that once we were settled somewhere long term, then I would start school again.
Well, crud. Here it is 8+ years later and I haven't as much taken ONE class. Let's be real, going to school is really expensive and I didn't want to drop a load of money, or go into debt for a degree I wasn't 100% sure I wanted to get. Plus, I have a lot of interests. Trying to pin one interest down over the others was difficult. However, I finally decided I'm not getting any younger and I know that I don't want to teach again. With that, I have to return to school.
I applied to the University of Wisconsin and I'm anxiously awaiting my letters of recommendation to come in. I'm a little concerned because I've been sending reminder emails and updates and so far none of my 4 people who agreed to write one have submitted a letter yet. Urgh! I will keep reminding. They only have one more week to write it, so COME ON PEOPLE!
I have to admit that I'm really nervous. I know I would be really really good at the program, but if I don't get into the program, well.....I've put all my eggs in one basket. If I don't get in, then I'm going to reevaluate and go from there.
Cross your fingers, please that I get in!!!
Well, crud. Here it is 8+ years later and I haven't as much taken ONE class. Let's be real, going to school is really expensive and I didn't want to drop a load of money, or go into debt for a degree I wasn't 100% sure I wanted to get. Plus, I have a lot of interests. Trying to pin one interest down over the others was difficult. However, I finally decided I'm not getting any younger and I know that I don't want to teach again. With that, I have to return to school.
I applied to the University of Wisconsin and I'm anxiously awaiting my letters of recommendation to come in. I'm a little concerned because I've been sending reminder emails and updates and so far none of my 4 people who agreed to write one have submitted a letter yet. Urgh! I will keep reminding. They only have one more week to write it, so COME ON PEOPLE!
I have to admit that I'm really nervous. I know I would be really really good at the program, but if I don't get into the program, well.....I've put all my eggs in one basket. If I don't get in, then I'm going to reevaluate and go from there.
Cross your fingers, please that I get in!!!
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