Another round of PTSD starts up

     I should have seen this coming.  Things had been going so well, however, between the Hubs and I, that I got lulled into a false sense of security.  Ever since March, when I was hospitalized for that darn gall bladder, things had been pretty good between him and I.  We have had minimal fights, and for the most part, I was finally starting to enjoy marital life.

    That's the funny thing about PTSD.  You never really know when it's going to hit.  Here we were, swimming along happily when BAM......PTSD strikes again.   It started a little less than a week ago:  I started noticing the shorter fuse for his temper, the more frequent outbursts of swearing, and the change in his physical appearance.  Hubby has a habit of wearing the same clothes for days.  He will sleep in them and wear them for at least two days in a row.  It's disgusting.  It's bad enough when he does that when it's winter out, but here in the dog days of summer......Gross.   

Along with the lack of changing clothes, I noticed his facial hair going to crap.  He tries hard to grow a beard and mustache.   Some people look great in a beard and a 'stache.   He does not.  The crappy thing is, that he KNOWS he looks bad in one.   It'd be different if it was the sexy 5'oclock shadow thing going on, or a few days of scruff.  Nope.  Instead, he grows it out so its scraggly and his mustache has that nasty part down the middle that some men get that looks creepy.  To compound the look, his beard grows in gray.  Not all the way around, either.  It has hairs growing in gray just on his chin.   

Like I said, he knows he looks like crap with a beard and mustache.  He's said it to me before.  I have come to determine that the facial hair starts growing when he is feeling depressed.  I try, in a nice way, to motivate him to shave.  I tell him how much younger he looks without it (he does!) and how it's not his best look and how often by having a better outwards appearance, you can make yourself feel better internally.  

Last night he said he was going to trim it up and I thought "Hallelujah!"   This afternoon we were outside and I commented about how I thought he was going to trim it up.  "I did" was the reply.  What????   His idea of trimming is to get some of the neck hair off.  That's it.  He still has wild long hairs growing in every which way, still has the creepy mustache line, and still has the gray hairs coming in.  I told him I didnt like it and he told me something along the lines of "when I start caring, I'll let you know".

That hurt.  I don't know why......He's told me before that he doesn't care what I think.  When he's like this, in the middle of a PTSD cycle, it's true.  I know that when he's feeling better, he does care.  But right now, he doesn't.  It hurt because I had been in a state of denial that another cycle of PTSD was upon us.  Life had been so nice for the last 4 months or so.  I forgot how much it can suck.  

I have to start putting on my thick skin again.  I've let myself go soft the last few months.  Being soft lets the hurt in......I have cried more in the last week than I have in months.  Stupid stuff really.  Comments that shouldn't cut me, do.  The rude, sarcastic comments are back and I have to get used to them again.....I have to remember that although his words and actions hurt, he doesn't really want to hurt me.    I have to remember that his crappy, mean attitude is just an outward reflection of his shit mood internally.

It doesn't help though.  It still hurts.  But, I have to buck up.......I can't spend my days crying or tip toeing around him.  I'm too busy for that.     Here's hoping that this latest flare up doesn't last long.

Prayers for Corbin

If you are on Facebook, you may notice a lot of people who have children or loved ones who are seriously ill often put up community pages that allow people to check in and keep up with how the sick loved one is doing.

My sister in law followed a page like that.  I don't think she knew the family at all, but the facebook page is called Prayers for Corbin.   Corbin was born in April of this year and is a beautiful baby boy who happened to be born 7 weeks early AND was born with Trisomy 13.   If you aren't familiar with Trisomy 13, I encourage you to Google it.  Basically, it's a chromosome abnormality and most babies with it die within a year.   I had a colleague whose son was born with Trisomy 13 and he died within four hours of birth.  So, it was amazing that Corbin lived as long as he did.

I'm heartbroken to say that baby Corbin passed away this morning at a hospital in North Carolina.  I almost cried reading about it online, even though I've never met and most likely will never meet the family.  

But, this post isn't about heart ache.   You see, what amazed me most about reading Corbin's page was how strong his parents remained and how optimistic they were.  Even at the end, hours before he died, they remained hopeful but realistic.  In fact, today his mom posted and it was about how happy they were the last 24 hours.  Yes, they were obviously heartbroken that he was dying, but they were celebrating the amazing life he had.   He touched so many lives in his short 135 days and taught so many, many people about the power of love.   It's an amazing story, and I think the waves of peace and love that Corbin created will continue to ripple on, long after he's been off this planet.

I guess, in closing, my thought from this entire post is that you must remain positive about life.   I've had people tell me they can't believe how positive I remain about everything that I've been through in my life in terms of my health, my marriage, etc.   My answer is always, "someone else always has it worse than I do, and I'm thankful and grateful for what I have".     It's true.  Look at Corbin's parents.  Here they are, preparing for their only child to die, and she is choosing to celebrate, and not mourn.  I'm not saying they won't grieve.  How could they not.  I'm sure the tears would come.  I would be devastated by the loss of a child.  However, I am amazed by how strong they are and how they choose to honor Corbin's spirit.

Back to School

Well, I'm in.   10 years after graduating with my bachelor's degree, and many, MANY possible career changes later, I have finally.....FINALLY started my post baccalaureate degree.

I started this latest process only weeks ago.  I guess that's how I roll.   I mean, I got married pretty quick after meeting my man, I got preggo right after getting married....Once I make up my mind about something, things tend to go pretty quickly.  Anyway, I had decided to stick with special education.  I had applied, was about to be accepted, and had already met with the program advisor.  It would be hard work, but I could and would get done in two years, in time to keep my license I already had without it expiring in June 2014.

Then, just days later, I found THE program.  I was browsing around on the college's website and came across Higher Ed Admin.  Intrigued, I clicked on the link and that forever changed everything.   Higher Ed is a program for people who want to work in higher education administration, aka - colleges and/or universities.  As I read about the program, I realized that this degree was right up my alley.   I mean, come on!  I have had so many issues trying to figure out what I truly want to do in my life.  What better than to work in a college or university environment, advising students on what to do with THEIR lives???

In a spur of a moment, I contacted the accelerated admissions advisor and met with her days later.  I actually met with her a week to the day after I had met with the special ed advisor.   I switched my intended degree over  and waited to see if I got admitted.  I was!  Quickly, I registered for classes and this past Tuesday was my very first class!

I LOVED IT!!!   I knew, from that very first class, that I had finally found my program.  It's going to be hard work, but I know it's what I want to do.

I guess the moral of this story is that don't settle for a job that you don't like.   Do what you need to do to make ends meet, but never give up the dream of doing something bigger and better.  It may take awhile.....It's taken my 10 years to get my crap together and figure it all out, but I'm so glad it happened this way.  If i had gone with nursing, or teaching, or something else....I would have missed out on this opportunity.   Everything happens in due course, at least that's what I'm finding.

Now, off to study!  I have loads of reading to do before next week!

PTSD and school/jobs

My husband has not worked a job since his medical discharge from the Army in summer of 2008.   He receives social security benefits and compensation from the VA so we have income from him, as well as income from my job.   So lack of funds has not been the issue.  However, not having a job has really affected him in terms of esteem and his mood.

It's funny how society judges you on your profession.   You go to a class reunion and you talk about what you do.  Meeting someone new on a date, you talk about your job.  Your kids talk about what their dad or mom does to their friends.  Imagine not having anything to say.....Imagine your children having to tell their friends that daddy doesn't work at all.   Kids may not judge, but their parents sure do.    Thoughts enter their brains.   "Oh, a deadbeat dad."   "What a schmuck".   Negative thoughts before they even know what the situation is.

For a long time my husband would lie about his career plans.  When asked, he would tell his friends that he was in grad school.  I told him that that would only get him so far.  Eventually people would wonder why he was still in school 5 years later for a two year degree.  Why did he lie?  Because he was embarrassed.  A lot of his friends from college are successful professionals.   It's sad that he sacrificed so much for our country, and has done more than a lot of people will ever do in their lifetimes and he feels that that is not enough.  

He did try to go to school a few years ago.  He had gone to residential treatment for 6 weeks and felt like he had his shit together enough to go back to school and get some kind of degree.  He enrolled at a small, private,  christian university close by to our apartment we were living in at the time.  For the first quarter he seemed to be thriving.   He was motivated to do well and was pulling good grades in his classes.   However, the roller coaster that is PTSD eventually set in about October and he withdrew from the university in January.  In the end, going back to school proved to be too stressful for him.  His grades began to plummet, he started skipping classes, and he eventually lost all interest in going.

  I'll admit, I was pretty discouraged when he quit school.  He had such potential.  He still does.  After that semester, the PTSD seemed to rear it's ugly head even more than usual.  He plummeted into a deep depression.  He couldn't be a soldier anymore, something he was excellent at, and now he couldn't seem to go back to school either.

Part of it had to do with fear.   He was consumed for several years with the fear that if he went back to school and eventually got a job, that the VA would declare him miraculously cured from PTSD and he would lose all his benefits.  The fear came from being scared about taking care of his family.  The benefits he receives are how he supports his family.  The thought of that getting taken away from him really scared the crap out of him.  He has finally, FINALLY, through opening up and talking to his psychologist started to realize that he will never lose all of his benefits.  He goes to therapy several times a week, and even though he's getting better at handling his disability, he still has a disability!

My husband has recently started talking about going back for some classes.  He has taken up an interest in gardening and considered a degree in botany.  He talked to his psych about it today, and while his psych was encouraging, he was also careful.  His psych made the comment that he would hate for Hubs to go back to school and somehow it ruin his interest in his hobby.  It's frustrating.  Part of me is like, "what does he know?"   But, on the other hand, I could see that potentially happening.  His doc did suggest that Hubs take a few noncredit classes somewhere for fun.  It's a step!

  It's frustrating because society judges him.  People just don't understand, I guess.  For example, during my recent girls weekend we talked about our husbands and of course the question came up, "what does your husband do?"  I give my standard answer that he is a combat veteran who is retired.  Sometimes, given the people I'm talking to, the conversation goes further on and I explain that he's disabled.  Anyway, this weekend that happened and I got the whole, "he can't do anything?"  

Um, yes he can do something.  He can keep fighting the fight.  He can keep going to treatment and working on being the best father and husband he can be.  We both hope that someday he can go back to school and maybe someday start another career.  However, just because he can't right now, that doesn't make him any less of a man, of a provider.  

I wish people/society would get that concept.  Wounded warriors are wounded for a reason.  Try walking a mile in their shoes.  I guarantee that most of society wouldn't be able to do that.  It's no wonder that they come back different people, unable to go back to how they were before.  If a wounded warrior can't go back to school or a job, it doesn't make them any less of a person.

R&R - Girls Weekend!!!

I had an absolutely awesome weekend.  Back in February a friend of mine sent out one of those facebook- event thingies inviting a ton of her friends to a Girls Only Weekend at her boyfriend's cabin in northern Wisconsin.  I think I was one of the very first to respond with a big, fat YES.   Oh my gosh, I was so excited to be invited and I looked forward to the weekend away.

We left Friday after Amy got off of work.  The hours before being picked up seemed to drag by.  I was like a little kid again, impatient with anticipation and giddy with excitement to be on our way.  When she got to my house a little after five on Friday night, I quick kissed the kids, waved by to the Hubs and practically ran out the front door to the waiting car.

I was FREE!!!!   For close to 48 hours I had no responsibilities.  No diapers to change, no dishes to do, zero loads of laundry to run; pure freedom was in my grasp.   Don't get me wrong.  Of course I love my children and my husband, but this was my chance to relax and unwind and recharge my batteries.  I don't remember the last time I had a weekend all to myself, with no worries.  Even on weekends when Hubs had taken the kids to see his parents, I was still running around doing laundry and cleaning.   This was much needed and much deserved.

 My friend's boyfriend has a small cabin up north close to a lake.  We went boating on Saturday, renting a pontoon boat and spending all day on the water.  It was a little cool at first, but it turned out to be a beautiful day.   The water was pretty damn frigid, even being the first of August so we stayed on the boat and got some sun.   Some of us got more sun than others.   I come from Irish and German heritage and I tend to burn.   Saturday was no different.   I am now a lovely shade of tomato red and I can't wear a bra because it hurts too much.  

Oh well, totally worth it!

The weekend was such a needed mini vacation.   I think it's important to get away occasionally and spend time with friends.   That's needed in regular marriages, but especially for the spouses of wounded warriors.  It's so important to take care of yourself and by doing so, you can take better care of the veteran.  I will admit, I didn't really worry much about the Hubs and the kids this past weekend.  Yes, my husband has PTSD but he has come such a long way and besides, he is their father!!  He should be able to handle his own offspring.  That being said, I got asked at least twice by some of the girls who went with me how Hubs would do being by himself.  Happy to report, he did fine.

 The weekend was perfect and I feel refreshed.  I've noticed today that I have much more patience for my daughter.  I think being away has helped with my parenting too.  

I can't wait for next year.  We're already planning it!

University visit with built in therapy

Today I took a little field trip to a university in the area to meet with a professor regarding what courses I need to take to get my certification up to date for the state.   The university butts up right next to the shore of Lake Michigan.  I had never been on campus before, and as I drove up I was amazed at the view.

The picture doesn't really do it justice.  I got there a few minutes early and parked my car and walked over to the bluffs. I think I stared out at the water for a good 10 minutes or so, just watching the waves and an occasional sailboat come by.  

There's something therapeutic about water.  I'm not a water baby.....I couldn't care less if I never went in it, but I LOVE to watch it.  I would just love to have a house on a lake with a balcony where I could sit out there in the morning with my coffee and watch the waves or just stare at the water.  Today when I got to the college, I was a little nervous about meeting with the professor, but looking at the water just soothed me.

  If you recall, I had been accepted into the University of Wisconsin's School of Social Work for the fall semester.  I declined acceptance after I had a chance to be on campus and interact with the departments.  Nothing, NOTHING against the U of W....it's a fantastic school.  But, it's more than an hour from me, and it's such a large institution.  I very much felt like a very small fish in a very large pond.  It turned out to be much too intimidating and overwhelming for me.

This university I visited today is very small.  Turns out, I didn't need to be stressed about meeting the professor because she was AWESOME!   She spent about 40 minutes with me discussing all my options and answering any questions I had.  I'm still not quite sure which route to take, but I now have much more information and I know that I can email or call her with any additional questions I have.    There's something to be said for small colleges and universities and the individual attention you receive there.  

The journey to figure out what I want to be "when I grow up" continues, but I feel like I am a million steps closer now than I was yesterday.  I also have a great place to visit now to get my great water views! :)

yard work

What happened to Summer???   Here in the upper Midwest the weather has taken a very cool turn.  I am actually loving the 60's and cloudy weather because just a week ago it was close to 100 here and very muggy.   Gotta love weather in the Midwest!  Anyway, Hubs and I are taking advantage of the cooler temps and getting some yard work done.

Ok, actually......Hubby is the one doing the brunt of it.  He took it upon himself to go and buy a chainsaw and trim up our two very large, very overgrown pine trees that are in our front yard.  He got both of them trimmed up pretty good and started burning some of the branches last night and again this morning.  He seems to be enjoying himself.  I'm not sure what it is about it that appeals to him.  It might be that it's outside and he can use a chainsaw (boys with toys), or maybe it's the fact that he got to see progress pretty quickly.   Whatever the reason, he's been on top of the chore and he's even talking about doing more yard work.

I'm loving it.  Not only does my yard look better, but it's good for Hubs.  He's active, doing productive things for our home, and he's involving our oldest child to help by bribing her to haul branches and sticks in return for money or time on a video game.   It's really a win-win for everyone.  

Now------How can I get him to finish up the projects INSIDE the house????   :)