My new baby

When I graduated college I bought my first car.  It was a Ford Escape, red, with a moonroof and a 6 change CD player.  Maybe it was the fact that my hard earned money went into the purchase of the car, maybe it was the snazzy red color, the zippiness of it, the cute factor.....Whatever it was....I was in love with that car.  Well, a few years later we PCS'd to Ft Carson, Colorado.  My husband loves to car shop (what man doesn't I guess) and at the time, he was really heavy into Jeeps.  He had a Wrangler and hated Fords.  He took me to a dealer to "browse" and asked if I wanted a new car.

Do I want a new car?????  Well sure, honey bunny.  It was foreign to me to just wake up one day and decide to make a major purchase like that.  My dad is the king of Consumer Reports and in our household growing up, a purchase like that would take weeks, if not months, of researching.  So when my hubby asked me if I wanted one, the answer was yes.  That day I drove home a 2007 Jeep Grand Cherokee.

I never really liked it.  Once the newness wore off, I regretted trading in my beloved Escape.  The Cherokee had no moonroof, a single CD player, and cloth seats.  But, it was a hearty vehicle.  Trust me, that thing was driven cross country, been in accidents, dinged, etc and it just kept going.  However, I worked hard to pay it off early and I just figured I would drive it until it died.  However, it is up in miles.  and it is not fun to drive.....it's practical.

My husband goes through cars like some people go through changes in underwear.  In the 8 years we've been together he's gone through...I think 5-6 cars.  I've gone through 2.    It's kind of annoying how he trades in cars at the drop of a hat.  His latest toy is a Challenger and I told him he is not getting another car for a LONG TIME.  I hate the Challenger.  It's not family friendly.  Case in point, we all drove in it yesterday for the first time and putting the kids in the back seats was a pain.

My car is the designated family car.  Lately I'd been thinking about getting a minivan.  It suited my practicalness with the amount of seats and I'd been looking at Town and Country with the leather seats and the dvd screens in the back.  But there's just something about driving a minivan.  My mom still drives a minivan.  I'm not a soccer mom yet.  Part of me said to get a sedan because they get better gas mileage.

This week we randomly decided to drive through some lots.  We looked at the Town and Country but before we did....we stopped at Volkswagen to look at the Passats.  While there I saw it.  She was beautiful and I loved it.

2012 Volkswagon Tiguan

I love her so much.  I sat in it and said this is it.  I love the sporty feel of it and it's quite zippy.  There's actually a lot of head room in it and man oh man, I love the panoramic moonroof that goes all the way back.  It has (gasp) heated seats.  Man oh man, i'm in heaven.   The only thing lacking is the cargo room in the trunk.  But, with my Jeep Cherokee, the trunk just became a place to put more crap so this is a way to monitor my habit of stashing crap in the trunk instead of taking it into the house. 

So there ya go, my new baby.  I'm not so happy with having a car payment again, but this fits me way better than the Jeep Cherokee ever did.

Approved for Caregiver status!

Last Thursday I had the in home assessment.  I blogged about it, so feel free to read up on my experience.  Anyway, Friday I contacted my coordinator just to ask what the time frame would look like to hear the status on approval.  He told me he was in the middle of writing my approval letter.  Wow, that was fast!  Monday morning I received a packet in the mail that said I was approved and it had information for direct deposit into my checking account.

So, I encourage you to look into the Caregiver program if your spouse is disabled from Post 9/11 combat.

Laundry is not a dirty word

I hate laundry.  For 2 adults, a child and an infant, we have quite the load of dirty clothes.  Every time I have to attack that dreaded chore, I cringe a bit inside.

It seems that laundry is the never-ending chore.  No matter how hard I try, I cannot get caught up.  About the time I get all of the loads washed and folded and put away, a new pile awaits me.  Never.  Ending.

I don't actually mind the washing part.  We have a laundry chute that our clothes go down and ends up in the basement.  The only clothes that don't go down are the kids clothes.  Each child has their own laundry basket in their room and it's not much to lug those down to the basement either.  Sometimes our daughter's clothes end up down the chute also, so it's really just the baby's clothes that are kept separate and the only reason for that is the fact that his clothes get washed in Dreft.

I hate that moment that I open up cabinets to the bottom of the laundry chute.  I open them and there's usually a pile of clothes waiting for me.  A pile, so high, that towers up into the chute above it.  I have to be very careful pulling out the clothes, because one false move and the whole pile will come raining down on me in an avalanche of dirty clothes.   Sigh.

I'm not much for sorting the clothes.  I usually gather as many as i can and shove them in the washer.  We have a high efficiency and I can cram a lot in there.  The only snafu with this method is my husband's nasty habit.   He smokes and for some God-only-knows-reason, he shoves the cigarette butts in his pants pockets.  He says its so he doesn't litter.  I call it flat out laziness.  He is home 80% of the time and we do own trashcans.   I've tried rebelling and telling him I'm not doing his laundry unless he cleans out his pockets, but since he doesn't care if he stays in the same clothes for days at a time, this didn't really work.  So my sorting also consists of digging into his pockets and pulling out butts and tossing them in the trash.  Then my hands smell like nasty cigarettes.  Ew. Ew. Ew.

The part I hate the most about doing laundry?  It's the actual sorting and putting away once they're clean.  I'm the only one who seems to know how to do this job too.  I tell ya, I'm a real one-woman-machine here.  By the time I've sorted, and cleaned pockets and washed and also taken care of the baby and Hubs in between washings, I'm beat.  I end up piling the cleaned clothes onto beds where they stay for days until I get them put away.  Or, I tend to dump them into a clean laundry basket until I get to putting them away.  Problem is, I tend to not do that very quickly and by the time I do, the cycle has started all over again.

Never. Ending.

Maybe someday the Laundry Fairy will come visit me and take over this chore.  Or maybe someday my husband will actually take initiative and start doing the laundry himself.

I think I have a better chance of the Fairy coming.

Caregiver Assessment

Recently I applied to become my husband's official Caregiver through the VA.  Click here to read about the program.  It's a newer program designed to offer support and official recognition of those who care for our wounded warriors.  There are benefits involved, including medical insurance if you don't already have it, counseling, and a monthly stipend.  Since I resigned from my job to stay home to care for my husband, this benefit was especially appealing.

So far, the process has been painless.  We applied and have a coordinator at the local VA who has helped with answering questions about the process and letting me know what to expect.  I've finished up the online training and today was our in-home assessment.  The assessment made me a little nervous, because I wasn't sure what to expect.  Turns out, it was also painless and quick.

A nurse came over this morning to do the assessment.  She sat down with me and asked me a series of questions covering a variety of topics.  Some didn't apply to me (wound care, foley care....my husband has no physical injuries) but some did.  At first, she spoke to me by myself but then I called up Hubs from the basement because it was easier for her to see him herself to answer questions.  For instance, one question was if he had an ambulatory needs.  Watching him walk into the room without any help answered that one, for example.

After she talked to us together, Hubs went back downstairs while I answered some questions alone.  It was a burden scale, to see how big of a burden I felt caring for him.  I hated that part.  The scale went something like "rarely, sometimes, most of the time, always" and I answered most of them with sometimes.  Yes, sometimes I am stressed.  Sometimes I do feel like it's all on me.  She told me I got a 7 and one more point would have put me at being "stressed".  I don't know how I feel about that.  I explained some days are stressful, some days not that bad.  Thus, sometimes.  Had I gotten into the "stressed" range, I don't know what that would have meant.

The visit was short.  She was here about a half hour tops.  I had my house cleaned yesterday just so everything would be fresh and sparkly for her visit, and she didn't even leave the living room.  Oh well, at least my house is clean.  I recommend writing down the things you do for your veteran beforehand.  I did and it was nice to be able to refer to my list.  I actually didn't realize what all I do for my husband until I started writing it down.  The bonus was at the end, she took the paper with her to refer to so I'm glad I did it.  Just a suggestion if you apply.

The nurse said she'd see me in 3 months, so guess that's a good sign.  I asked what was next in the process and she said she'd give all the data to the coordinator and he'd be in touch with me via a phone call.  I dont think it will take that much longer to get it all nailed down.  I think am going to get something.  I already took the caregiver training and I can't see them having me do that unless I qualified for something.

Any other questions let me know.  I'll keep you updated on the conclusion of this process.

I'm the outgoing one now?!?

My husband's PTSD has made me more social in general.  That in itself is crazy because I have always been very shy.  All through school I was really quiet, so much so that some people thought I was stuck up.  No, I wasn't.....just shy and very self-consious.

My husband was the exact opposite.  He was very boisterous and outgoing.   In college he knew everyone and everyone knew him.  When I met him, he still was quick to smile and joke and was still outgoing.

However, the demons have slowly stolen that from him.  He has withdrawn into himself so much that the outgoing person that was my husband is not really there anymore.  He would be perfectly happy to not interact with anyone or go out really at all.  It's strange because I've always been the kind of homebody who has that one person to confide in and that's it.  So, it's quite ironic that I ended up being the more outgoing of the two of us.

I try my best to get him out and about and make some sort of connections with people.  Most of the time he bitches about going out and there are times he just flat out refuses to go. Sometimes his refusal puts me in an awkward spot with our friends.  For example, this morning our neighbors texted me to invite us over for a BBQ tonight.  Both Hubs and I get along really well with them so I said yes.  He wasn't very happy with me for that:

"Why do you make plans without asking me first?"   Because, I thought, if I conferred with him first about stuff like this he would 95% of the time say no.  Anyway, I had said yes and then he was against going.  So then I had to text her back and tell her that the kids and I would be there, but he was actually going to be home watching the NIT tournament.

I know, kinda lame, but true.  Anyway, 5pm came and we walked over to the neighbors bearing my gift of chocolate chip cookies as my contribution to the BBQ.  Hubs was just finishing up the game.  After about 20 minutes the neighbors asked about him.  In fact, they offered to put the game on at their house.  So I tromped back over to ask the Hubs.  He told me he didnt want to go.

It sucks, I gotta say.  I had to go back over there and tell them sorry, my husband just doesnt want to come over.  I could have lied, but I gave up covering for him awhile ago.  I just tell the truth now, in as nice a way as possible.

"He has had a bad day all day.  I'm really sorry, but he isn't going to come over.  He's feeling anti-social"

They understood.  They know he has PTSD from the war, but it still sucks.  What should have been a fun family time with the nice neighbors once again turned into me and the kids.  I'm a little bitter about that.  I know I shouldn't be, but I am.  We're a family, dammit.  And why wouldn't you want to go next door and have some burgers?  That's all it was!  We were back home in an hour.

Argh.  So frustrating.  Can't believe I'm the more outgoing one now.

Migraine

So I woke up with a slight headache this morning that soon turned into a full blown migraine. I hadn't had one that bad in a long time. Unfortunately Hubs went to the VA all day so he was gone. My mom comes over once a week to tidy up (I'm not a slob, but she cleans way better than I) and today was her day. The baby slept for two hours and do did I but even the nap did not touch the headache

Hubs called after his appointment and offered to bring me home some Excedrine Migraine and a Starbucks. The coffee drink is actually in the freezer because I about puked drinking it. I love those things so that's a testament on how sick I was.

Finally I am starting to feel a little better. My earlier blog post was about how Hubs wasn't involved but I tell you when it really matters he steps up. He has been out there handling the kids and he took care of me. He does care in his own way.

Thank you migraine, for reminding me.

Separate beds, separate lives?

I hate that we sleep in separate beds.  It's been this way since we got back together after our separation, so.....almost 2 years now?  2 years of sleeping by myself, on my side of a king size bed.  Sometimes I wonder why I don't spread out.  Why I don't sleep at a diagonal to take up all the space I can since he's not there.

Because that's his spot.  Even after all this time apart, I never take over the whole bed.  I guess maybe subconsciously, I'm hoping every night he'll come to bed.....our bed.  But, in reality, he hardly ever does.  Occasionally if I make him feel bad enough or pout enough he'll come for a night or two.  But really, why should I be practically begging him to sleep next to me?  Shouldn't he WANT to sleep by me.

He has his excuses reasons.  He says he has trouble going to sleep at night so he watches TV in the living room and then falls asleep.  He also says he is afraid that during a nightmare, he'll wake up and somehow hurt me or maybe kill me in my sleep.

Whatever.

First of all, we used to have a TV in our bedroom and he still never came to bed.  Second, he's never hurt me or acted out while I was sleeping.  It's just excuses he uses to push me further away.  In fact, the other night we had an argument and he said something about leading separate lives.  Truth of the matter is, we are pretty much doing that already.  He sleeps by himself, eats by himself 80% of the time, doesn't go out with us to do stuff unless I plead.  He doesn't help with homework with A or help at all with C unless I put the baby in his arms and say "here".

I'm tired of it all.  I'll never divorce him unless he put the kids in danger (which he never has), but I get the feeling he'd be much, much happier if he could just go do his own thing and never deal with us again.  In fact, he's pretty much said that all he wants is to be left alone.

So what do I do?  Keep trying in the hopes that someday he'll reach out and give me some affection?  That maybe one day more than a passing glimmer of the old Hubs will come through?  I miss having a husband, a best friend.  I miss having someone ask me how it's going, or to give me a hug or rub my shoulders when I'm stressed.  I may be married, but I don't have a husband.  I have a roommate.